A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:The past few weeks, I have been getting a sinking feeling that my wife of 14 years is going to leave our relationship. The first 13 and a half years were amazing, hardly any arguing and a closeness that other couples would admire, and sometimes envy. Late last year we had a very difficult week or two, where we argued a lot. I think this was a bit of a turning point in the way she felt about us. The past couple of months she seems to have changed into a completely different person, staying up many nights on her computer, talking about living in the moment, saying she wants to be a free spirit, saying extremely damaging things to me when she's angry (which she never used to be), telling me she doesn't need me etc. The nasty talking has caused more than one argument, and it seems that although admitting she has a terrible temper, inside she has either blamed me for our problems, and/or has given up on a future with me. It's such a shame because our relationship seemed so perfect for so long. When I have tried discussing my feelins and thoughts with her, she gets very defensive, and the nasty talking (on her part)turns what could be a constructive discussion into a very destructive one. It seems I have to tread very lightly around her anymore, or not say anything at all. Not going to bed at the same time because she's staying up so much has affected our love life as well, which seems to bring us farther apart. Sometimes I think maybe the irrational and unusual behaviour is menopause (she's 44), but I don't know much about it. Sometimes I think she is guided by her mom,who would love it if her daughter split up, as they would spend more time together, (her mom had a long term affair on her dad,is alone now after a split up of her own, and is no role model for a healthy relationship. As much as I would love to calmly discuss the issues that affect us before they get worse, I know bringing it up will just brin the "evil genie" out of the bottle, and I am trying my best to keep the peace right now. I really appreciate your opinions or possible solutions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Thank you so much, Lovegirl, TEM, anon, and Kitcathottie for the thoughtful responses anf
perspectives. Your take on things is helping to give me insight as to what I am, or may be dealing with (in the future). I so appreciate your honest desire to help people, including me. It is a great human experience to know that you are helping something,(my wife and I are involved in wildlife rehab ourselves), or someone when they could use a little inspiration. Knowing that there are people like you, willing to take the time to help a complete stranger, is inspiring to me. Don't know if you'll find it here, but I'll post an update.
Thank you
Special thanks to TEM whose words of wisdom have helped me before. If you ever decide to do this for a living, I'd be your first client...lol)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): I cannot blame menopause for her late night computer antics or her blatant disrespect for you.
Have u thought that perhaps she is doing online dating or even affair with a colleague/friend?
If you relationship has always been loving and now she is just plain ugly to you, start monitoring her email/online activity.
I think a third party is involved.
You need to be more assertive and you need to tell her u will not be her doormat.
Good luck
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (18 April 2011):
 She's too young for menopause. There would be other symptoms like hot flashes, etc. No, the average age for menopause is 52, (+ or - 5 years) making the range 47 - 57, so I think you can rule that one out.
Mid-life crisis, however, that's a possibility. Also, some mild form of bi-polar disorder. As you probably know, people with bi-polar disorder have period of high energy/excitement, followed by periods of low energy/depression. It's a little late for something like that to come on, but if there is a family history (her mom) it'd be worth looking into. She'd need to be evaluated for that.
Her change in behavior is key, however. Let me list the ones I would be concerned about:
1. Staying up late, on the computer.
2. Being defensive about her own behavior.
3. Finding fault with you - blaming you.
4. Irritability.
My honest opinion is that she may be having an emotional affair. I do hope, for your sake, that turns out to be wrong. The only way to check for that is to put a key logger on her computer. If I were truly suspicious about my mate, I'd do it. It's best to know what you are dealing with. It may be that she is a little bored and is flirting online, nothing more. Sometimes people in mid-life crisis engage in such behavior. It needs to be checked now, however, before it escalates into something far more damaging.
I think you have every right to talk to her about the change in your relationship. Things don't go downhill so quickly for no reason. Her defensiveness/irritability is just so you won't talk about it. It seems to be working, as you are tip-toeing around her. This problem will never be resolved if you continue to do that.
I wouldn't jump in and blame the mother. I don't think you'll get anywhere using that tactic (even if you believe it to be true). It's too easy to blame someone else. It absolves your wife of her hurtful behavior. She is a grown woman and responsible to you and herself for the things he does.
Calmly approach her and ask her to talk about the distance that is growing between you. Tell her you want to save the marriage. In order to do so, you must act now. Ask her to attend marriage counseling with you. If she is not open to that, ask her what she wants to do about the state of your marriage, because it cannot continue this way.
Don't wait. Don't let this get past the point of no return. Best of luck.
TEM
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): she could be cheating. if shes on a computer all night every night or most nights, what do you think she could be doing? dating sites etc. she should be in bed with you so you can hold her close. thats what a real couple should be doing. sometimes when people cheat on their spouse they take out their anger/guilt on them. i dont know why. maybe its because they are trying to hide the truth. or justifying how its your fault she cheated. im not saying she is defo cheating, and dont confront her unless you have solid evidence.
youve probably tried this before, but sit her down. tell her much you love her and how heartbreaking it is. how youre there for her if somethings troubling her.
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A
female
reader, KITcAThottie  +, writes (17 April 2011):
It could be both she seems to be acting very defensive so it most likely could be menopause many women become defensive during this time. But there definitely is something wrong like something has changed over that time because she is acting different. Well just try to be patient with her and when she feels like talking just listen and try to understand what she is going through. I don't really think she has fallen out of love, but there I'd a possibility.
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