A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, Please can you advise. Thank you.I have recently managed to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Well, the relationship itself did not last long, but I was weak, and let him come back into my life for months, and he has been heartless and cruel. eg: sending messages, then I respond, then he ignores for weeks at a time, he used to shout at me, play mind games, manipulate me, and use me for sex. I was too weak to get out and lost all of my self confidence and ended up on anti depressants, and had to take time off work. He was also a bit sexually abusive, and was controlling, had no empathy, and was playing me for months and months. I finally lost it around a week ago after 11 long nasty months and sent him a really vile message, and he still came back on to messenger the same day after he had read it after blocking me on it for weeks. Anyway. I did not do anything, as I had said what I had to say. My issue and concern now is this. I am so angry with him now I have finally woken up that I am worried. I want to hit him, set fire to his house, make him lose his job, and i literally wish him dead, and I cannot contain my anger. It's is stifling me and I want to send him more horrible things, and do anything to now ruin his life as he ruined mine for a year. I will not act on any of these things, but I am so beside myself with rage that I want to smash up my house, and scream and shout and I have horrible thoughts of something bad happening to him, and I wish him bad, and all sorts. I wish I had got angry early on, but I got caught out as he was so nice at the start, and then he began breaking me down until I was a quivering wreck. I am so full of rage towards him now, it is untrue. I go to the gym, I work, I go out, and I meditate, but even when doing those things or not doing anything, these most hateful feelings well up in me for him, and I get tense and cannot enjoy myself. I really feel a hatred towards him, and I am trying my best to control it, but it's getting to me, and is overwhelming. I know the best thing I can do to get revenge is to never ever speak to him again, but I still have this great urge to say more and shout and show him how bad he made me feel, and how he should be ashamed of himself for treating me like an animal, and taking complete advantage of me emotionally, and manipulating me, He knew how much I loved him, saw it, then once he had got my trust, he trampled all over me. I got so depressed, I wanted to commit suicide a few times. That's how low I got, but now it has completely turned round and i hate him for what he did. I hate him with a vengeance i cannot describe, and I am trying to redirect that anger into exercising etc, but it;s not going away. What can I do? I feel like smashing everything up around me.. should I seek more revenge on him and say more to get it out of my system? the thing is.. he does not deserve any more attention from me. Good or bad, so I guess that's not the best option. I have tried writing it down, and then burning it, but it's not going away, and it's starting to affect other areas of my life right now, as I am now feeling impatient, irritable, and generally full of rage. I know too that this anger is a good thing, as it is healthy to get angry when people treat you terribly over a long period of time , which is what he did, and i only wish I could have got away sooner, but I coulnd't. I was as weak as a kitten, and now I am turning into the incredible hulk!! please advise. Thanks for taking the time to answer. Nx
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confidence, depressed, emotionally abusive, period, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mgian  +, writes (29 May 2015):
Oh, my God... when I read this, if I wouldn't have read the date, I would have thought I had typed it myself. Identical to a situation I got out of. I have a ton of anger and most of it is at myself for being so stupid. However, there is one difference, because I don't want revenge on the borderline personality freak who did this to me, he is miserable enough already in his bleak, pitiful existence. So is your ex! Amen.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Omg you actually sound a little bit crazy! A certain amount of anger is normal after a bad split, but your thoughts seem a bit extreme!
Have you thought about seeking professional help, talking to your doctor?
Anger is a very destructive emotion to have. You are no longer with him, yet he is still controlling you and your emotions because you are letting him. Unfortunately there will always be using/manipulative people who will take advantage of people who let them. (I don't mean to be nasty, but if you let people treat you like a doormat, there will always be nasty people willing to do so).
Just completely cut contact with the guy as this will help you move on quicker. Maybe think aboout some anger management too, and the next time you date someone, and they show any of these traits (manipulative/abusive) end it straight away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): I am getting divorced and leaving an abusive situation, big difference is it took 10 years and I am leaving 2 kids behind.
Anger is a normal response and I am going through it now. Problem is I have to see him because of the kids and our roles are reversed. I am the one who works outside the house, he works from home. Hence, he has more time with kids. He is a dotting father but has harsh discipline at times. He will not restrict my access to the kids, fortunately. The counseling we sought before getting divorced is helping him some, but I cannot take this crap anymore. Need to restrict contact with him when I see the kids and not allow me to EVER lure me in again.
Glad to find that turning into the incredible Hulk is normal after leaving abuse. Thought I was going nuts.
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female
reader, Jany +, writes (19 June 2011):
You described EXACTLY the same situation I was in. However, my case continued for several years, he cheated, lied behind my back and did things I was not aware of. He lead a different life when he was not with me. At the end, I was so tired and so disgusted by his attitude that I just thought that he did not deserve even a second of me thinking about him. I had more feelings of disgust that rage in me left. He definitely has problems, and you should not suffer because of that. You are worth a lot more. Believe me. I realized the damage he had done to me after I exposed myself to a new environment and new people, and they actually appreciated my work (on the other hand, he made me worthless). The first thing you should do is begin working out. Stop any type of communication with the guy. If he wants to talk - IGNORE him completely. He will keep coming back. Do not go back. Do not talk with him. Do not go to the places you used to visit together. Do something for yourself - something you have always wanted to do. Change your environment completely and the people you communicate with. Everyone and anything that reminds you of him will not help. Eliminate those sources of memories at least for now. Later on when you start the healing process you could go back and relive them when it is not so painful, and that will actually help you heal. You will probably still miss him (the good image you created of him) when the rage subsides. When that happens, think of his abusive behavior and the way he treated you. That will help you go on further with no contact and realize that the image you have of him is the image you created and not who he is in reality. Remember, the man you knew in the beginning is not the real man. You do not need a man who abuses you, who makes you feel worthless, who disrespects you. He is NEVER going to change. This is who he is, and you have to just except that this is not the man you want him to be. He will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. So you are actually lucky you got out of thismiserable relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer me. It has certainly helped. Iam going for the complete indifference approach now, and will never speak to him again. I have blocked all forms of contact from him, and wil not seek my revenge and give him the satisfaction. Yes, he does wnat me to go nuts.. but I wont. I'm sure this anger will subside soon. I won;t give in to it. Thank you all/ :o) xx
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 May 2011):
 He manipulated you and abused you, tortured you because he wants to see you like this. Why do abusive people do what they do? To see their victims break down. If you act out of vengeance, he wins. Even when he isn't there, he's left one last manipulative effect, what you have to do is try to move on.
Anger is a natural emotion and you have all the right in the world to feel that way but if you act on those impulses, he gets what he wants. He wants to see you turn from that gentle, loving lady into a frenzied beast. For an abuser, there's nothing more exhilarating than seeing their victim go mad with sorrow and rage, to stop them from feeling any joy at all. Don't play his game, just try to forget about him, it's over now.
Talk to your doctor about this, its something that he might need to take into consideration. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (8 May 2011):
 You were used and abused. Anger is the correct response, and it's a good thing you are feeling it. It's a good thing you are expressing your rage rather than turning it inward. Anger turned inward usually turns to depression. Now you are on anti-depressants and the anger is coming out. I know from experience, anger feels a whole lot better than hurt.
However, I am concerned about your desire for revenge. Your medication might not be the best fit for you, if you are consumed with thoughts of violence. You're doing all the right things to channel your anger - exercise, meditation, etc., but you are still very angry. If I were you I would talk to my doctor about the way you are feeling. There are a lot of anti-depressants on the market. Some work better than others for certain people.
If you want true revenge, hold your head up high and act as happy as a clam at high tide. Seeking true revenge will only communicate to your ex that you still care. That's the last thing you want him to think, isn't it? He will be far more disturbed if you are out and about having a great time. Indifference is the best way to get to someone like your ex. Don't feed into his ego by letting him think you still care enough to be angry. It was all about him, and now it's not. That's the message you want to send.
Good luck.
TEM
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A
female
reader, Jung  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 hey :)I think it's better for you to forget about him , and i know it's not easy at all ! , but if you have something that remind you of him throw it away .. go out .. date some new guys .. ignore him .revenge only will show your weakness , but .. somehow i would like to revenge too .. but i know at the end i will regret it to . for giving him more attention in my life than what he deserve .just relax .. forget about him .. every time you think about how bad he was .. let it go , that doesn't mean you forgive him ! , it just means that you don't have the time to think of someone like him in your life :) .just throw his thoughts away . try to date again you will find much nicer guy who respects you and cares about you :).I hope you will find someone who will makes you forget him soon :) .Best wishes ! 3
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