A
male
age
36-40,
*onfused7787
writes:I am confused on the whole situation and am just looking for some advice. Basically, my gf wants to take a break for a little bit, mainly to figure out what she wants, and if the opportunity arises, she might date.We've been together for 5+ years, we are both 23. She is the one for me, and she tells me I am the one for her. She wants to be with me forever, and I do the same. We talk about getting married and everything and it makes her so happy. But lately, she has had other things on her mind and she is confused...A lot of stuff has been changing in the past month. She is done with college, starting her career (which she isn't happy with). I have one more year of school left (grad school). Like most people, she doesn't like change at all.My school takes up a lot of my time, and before when she was in school, it took up a lot of hers. Now that she is out of school, she has free time. I am trying to manage my time better so I am not working on school as much, but it is difficult.She has her girlfriends friends from work that don't have any responsibilities besides work. She also has guys wanting to date her (one guy in particular from her work, but she meets a lot of people in her line of work), and this has got her wondering/curious. These guys have more free time than me and she sees that she can go out and have fun, when I might be stuck working. Also, she sees the attention she can get from these guys and like most girls, she likes attention. With my school, I feel like I am not giving her the attention she deserves...We took a short break a few weeks ago. She went out with this guy from her work (a date I guess), I was fine with it. She had an okay time, but she told me she didn't like it much. She kissed him, it didn't bother me because she didn't like it.So I thought everything was going good. I know there are stuff we have to work on with our relationship, mainly with my school crap taking up so much time. I am working on it. When she is with me everything seems great! She is happy and I am happy. But when we are apart she starts thinking about all this other stuff going on.Yesterday, she really just put it out there and wants to go on a long term break. She wants to figure out what she wants, and she wants to make herself happy. Even though she wants to be together and she wants to marry me, she feels she can't be in a relationship until she is happy with herself. This could be work, homelife, etc., but right now she isn't happy.She wants to live the single life for a little bit, be more independent and think about herself more. And she said this could involve dating. She has had boyfriends in the past, but nothing as serious as me, and she is wondering/curious about other guys. She says SHE WILL come back to me, because she wants us to work out. She truly does love me and I know that.She says she feels like crap for doing this to me. She says she is worried that if she makes a mistake with another guy, that I won't take her back. By mistake, she means has sex.I have accepted the fact that she wants to be on her own for a while. I am fine with her going out and having fun with her friends (guys and girls). I am almost fine with her dating, but when she said she might have sex, that is where I got freaked out. For the longest time, only her and I have shared that, and I want to keep it that way. I am confused. She says she wants to be with me, she says she wants to marry me, but then she wants to take a break. And possibly have sex with someone else.I don't believe that dating and sex is on the top of her list of reasons why she wants to go on a break, but I know that this guy from her work kind of triggered her thought of confusion.I am going to end this now since it is getting long, but does anyone have any advice for me? Has anyone been in this situation? I have told her how I feel, but I don't want to come off as being selfish. I don't really want to give her an ultimatum or anything (if you have sex, we are done), even though I don't know what I would do if she ended up having sex with someone else.Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2011): She wants marriage. It's that simple. Ask her.
A
male
reader, confused7787 +, writes (24 April 2011):
confused7787 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the replies...I knew this was going to be hard, but it is the best thing for both of us at this point.It hasn't even been a week yet, and even though I said we have to separate and go our different directions (ie no contact), I am still getting some texts here and there from her. She misses me and tells me how she doesn't like this and how its hard. I don't want to be mean, so I reply back. I miss her too, but I guess I don't want her to know that. I can't let her know I am waiting for her, even though I guess part of me is. I haven't told her I am waiting for her, but I feel like texting her will give her that impression. Should I ignore her? Should I tell her not to contact me anymore? Or I bet if I just give it some time she will text me less and less...?Thanks
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female
reader, Thornbirds  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 Breaking up is very hard, but facing the truth is the only way to liberate yourself from further misery and pain. That is what love is, setting someone free to be happy. Being confined to each other exclusively for five years is really devastating to just simply end up into separation, but not letting go and holding on to sentiment will only make things worse. You can only be happy with her if she is happy with you, but since she isn't anymore, setting her free to do what she wants is the best thing you ever did to her and to yourself. Any change from the normal routine whether it be for good or bad, may cause discomfort for a while, but I assure you, everyone who has undergone this situation has survived. Each time we fall in love and fail, the feelings will always be the same. The heart never gets immunity from pain. It will only be the same each time, but the only consolation we have is that, we know it's going to pass. Like a wound, every hurt and pain we get from unrequited love creates some kind of scar in us, but it makes us stronger the next time.. I wish you find someone who deserves your love and who, in return, love you as much as you do. Good luck!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Don't worry about the future.What a brave and hard thing you did. Letting someone you love be free is hard but it's the right thing in my opinion. If she comes back in a few weeks, you may actually want her to take more time... you may want her back... you can't make the decision until the time is upon you.best of luck to you and to her.
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male
reader, confused7787 +, writes (21 April 2011):
confused7787 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, its done. We are officially broken up. Boy that was hard. Everyone gave me some great advice, and it helped me a lot in figuring out what would be best for us. Thank you.
I wanted to clarify some things. Ever since she started having these feelings she has wanted to go on a break, but in her mind a break is considered breaking up. It is my fault because I am the one that was trying to keep us together through all of this, but I realize now that was a mistake. Like all of you have said it wouldn't turn out good. So, even though my original post made it sound like she wanted a "break", it wasn't like that. She has been wanting to break up.
She told me that she knows what she wants (me), but she has to do this. There is one guy from her work she likes, but she doesn't even know if she wants to date him. The whole thing boils down to her wanting to go out and do things, without feeling guilty about leaving me behind. She would really like for me and her to be able to go out and experience new things together, but because I am always so busy she feels she can't do that. I agree that a lot of my time is taken up because of school, but I told her I want to change that.
I told her I am letting her go and she needs to be on her own to figure out what she wants. Even though she says she knows what she wants, I told her she needs to be certain, without doubt. I told her I can't be with her unless she knows for sure she wants to be with me. I need to reevaluate things too and figure out what I want.
I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but I know where she is coming from (the whole not being able to spend as much time with me as she wants)...but there is still some confusion. She says she knows what she wants, but I think it is more of she 'thinks' she knows what she wants. Otherwise, we wouldn't be in this situation.
I told her she may find out that she doesn't want me, and that is a risk I am going to have to take. But breaking up is the only option right now for us to even have a chance.
My question now is, what happens when/if she comes back and wants to get back together? What if it is only a few weeks from now? I'm wondering if I should say no, just because she needs more time...but the problem is I don't know how much time it will take.
Thanks again, I don't think I could have gotten through this without all your advice.
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male
reader, confused7787 +, writes (19 April 2011):
confused7787 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone! This all has been very helpful! And you all are right.Thornbirds, you are right. She has gotten bored by the routine over 5 years. I am not bored with the routine, but I am comfortable with it. So I know exactly where she is coming from. If I was done with school right now and started my career, I know everything would be fine. But because one of my top priorities is school right now, her patience is running out I think. I would have regretted not continuing with my schooling. She knows school is important to me."For one thing, to spend her time with friends being apart from you while you are busy in school is acceptable"Exactly, and I have told her this. This is why part of me was confused. She wants to experience new things, but why can't she do that when she is with me? I am fine with anything she does while we are together, except when it involves other men.She is very loyal and I know she would never do anything to ruin our relationship...she just doesn't get that this "break" will ruin our relationship. I know she will be devastated when I tell her we have to break up for good. I will to...I am finding myself holding back the tears just thinking about it.I am going to make a list of all the points you all have made. That way I can present them to her so she knows what is happening. I want this to work out...I really do. But she needs to know what she is doing by going on this "break".Thank you all
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male
reader, confused7787 +, writes (19 April 2011):
confused7787 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for responding TEM! This is the advice I was looking for. I agree with everything you said, and I have been thinking the same exact things.
I think you realized how confused I am (how all these things don't go together). I have thought over and over how this is not fair to ME, but I feel like I am coming off as selfish.
She feels like she has missed out on a lot of things in the past few years (college years). It's not because of our relationship, but its because of her personality. She has never been the partying type, or the type to go out to clubs with her friends...mainly because of school and she works all the time. I guess the social experience. Now that she doesn't have school she has been able to experience new things with her friends, and she is realizing that she has missed out. I am not making excuses for her...I understand where she is coming from. I want her to go out and have fun, but the dating and stuff is where I stop being comfortable.
Here's the thing about the "break". We have been calling it a "break", but I guess it is more a break up. She tells me I need to experience new things too. She is the only girl I have ever been with, and that is probably part of the reason why she thinks I should experience new things. But the thing is, I don't want to go date anyone else. I am (well, was) happy with our relationship.
I do not think this is fair to me. It is exactly like the "have your cake and eat it too". And I keep thinking about how it will be in the future. Will this happen again? I keep thinking that it will. I asked her and she said no it won't happen again...its like she just needs to get it out of her system (she says). I keep imagining this happening again and again in the future...if it did I wouldn't stand for it.
Your suggestion is probably right: break up. Even though it kills me to even think about it, it will probably be best.
I really want to explain everything to her that you said. It is all true. It will be hard to, because I know she will tell me I am being selfish, but she is the one being selfish. I have a lot to think about. You have given me some great advice.
Thank you.
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female
reader, Thornbirds +, writes (19 April 2011):
Take this situation as an opportunity to test her seriousness and faithfulness to your relationship. Maybe she got bored by the routine of five years of being together and she wasn't able to explore the other areas of her life outside your relationship. For one thing, to spend her time with friends being apart from you while you are busy in school is acceptable, but to date with other guys and indulge in any sexual advances,and to return back to you later when things don't work well on her advantage is sheer selfishness and unfair on your part.
If you consider into marrying her later,with this kind of behavior, I don't think she is a wife material for you. What if after marriage she decides to try and venture into another tryout relationship with another guy, as she enters into another trance of confusion just like now?
If until now,after five years of your relationship with her she can't settle her mind as to whether to go faithful to you or not, better give her the freedom she needs for the time being. This is her opportunity to reevaluate her feelings for you. Sometimes,love,like anything, changes for a reason we cannot understand. Don't you think her confusion is born out of some unexplainable changes in the way she feels for you after seeing the outside world apart from you?
I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm just giving you the insight to prepare yourself for what you fear most.
Better prepare yourself ahead for the inevitable so you won't be caught offhanded. In that case, better take her actions as an early indicator to warn you off of what she is capable of doing once you get into a serious decision of marrying her one day,so you won't regret your decision. Take heart because one step of mistake is a lifetime of regret once you make the wrong decision of choosing the right woman to be your faithful wife someday. Good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Yeah, break = break up, particularly on the part of the person who wants the break, even if they don't admit it.She wants to be "free" from your relationship expectations.Honestly, I think when someone wants a break, and this is "the wisdom" of looking back 35 years since I was a young teen, is that you set down with them and tell them that you don't want to be with someone who isn't "sure, without question" and you end it on good terms. Did I? No, but I paid for that, and once was enough, I realized years later what a mistake it was to have done what I did (I won't detail that), and how much nicer life could have been when I was 25 to have someone to hold, confide in, and wake up next to instead of hoping that one would come back.The "break" means, "I want you to wait for me, but I don't want to necessarily wait for you." which leads to a lot of misunderstandings, and it isolates the one who is waiting, emotionally, sexually, and physically in many cases.Worst case scenario, you agree to a break for her to figure out what she wants, then she dates and has sex with other guys, while you are patient and think only of her and her coming back to you and you don't date and get out there. Then she figures out she wants you instead, comes back, settles down, and you guys go on your merry way...not quite. But, you find out later she was shagging other guys for all the wrong reasons, only to "get it out of her system", and it fucks up your sex life WITH HER after she is back to you, because she has a lot of remorse over it, abortions she hasn't told you about, etc, etc, etc. You go on for years trying to figure out all this.This particular scenario didn't happen to me, but it does happen to people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): I agree with TEM 100%. Don't agree to a break, insist on a real break up instead. I think it's inconsiderate to date other men when she knows your feelings for her and then tell you all about it. Keeping you on the shelf as a plan B is selfish and disrespectful.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (19 April 2011):
 These two things don't go together: a) she tells me I am the one for her and b) if the opportunity arises, she might date.
These two things don't go together a)she wants to be together and she wants to marry me and b)she really just put it out there and wants to go on a long term break.
You know this is the classic, "have your cake and eat it too" scenario. She wants to go off and live the single life for a while and then come back to you. What are you supposed to do while she is off doing her thing? Where are you in all of this? You do a lot of thinking about her needs, but very little about yours. Why are you being such a martyr?
Okay, that aside, this is the kiss of death for your relationship. I think you two will grow apart. If you are the one, she should not be considering "taking a break" from you, no matter how much school work you have or how busy you are. You have been together five years. What you have is very close to a marriage. I don't care how she rationalizes this break, what she is really asking for is a license to have an extra marital affair.
I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't tell what will happen after her "break," but I am sorry to say, the I feel the prognosis is not good. You know she will have sex, don't you? Part of the reason she wants a break is to see what it would be like to be with other men. If, and when, she does come back to you there will be resentment on your end.
Here is what I suggest. Break up for real. Say goodbye, cry, mourn, do all of that. Cut off communication. Tell her she is free to go, BUT SO ARE YOU. She can't have it both ways. She can't have the security of knowing you will be there if she doesn't find something better. It's not right and again, you will grow to resent her because you will feel she settled for you. You also will not be able to trust her because if something better comes along, she just might jump ship again.
I think you are a real nice, understanding guy - too nice and understanding. If you let her do this she will not have much respect for you in the future. She will continue to walk all over you. Stand up for yourself here. If, after all is said and done (a true breakup) she comes back to you and you are still available, and if you still love each other then you will know it was meant to be.
Sorry to be so harsh, but I've seen this before. Don't settle for this agreement.
Best of luck,
TEM
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (19 April 2011):
Yes, I've been in that situation before. My first boyfriend and I were together for 3.5 years. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but we thought we would be together forever. We talked about marriage, and even got engaged. But my mind wandered, and I wanted to know what it would be like to be single again, and to date other guys, sleep with other guys, etc. So I wanted a break to be able to do it. We never ended up getting back together. We're still friends and all, but we both moved on to other people.The point is, I thought that by taking that break and dating other people, I could satisfy the itch and the wondering. It didn't. In every long term relationship, I still wondered what it would be like to be single again, and missed it a bit. I am now engaged again, and getting married next year, but I know that by making the choice to be with my fiance, I am missing out on the single life, more dating, etc. I will never know what would have happened if I wasn't with him. But I choose to settle down and commit and be happy anyways. You really are in a bad position. You can't force her to stay with you, but by letting her go out and date other people and letting her know that you are waiting for her, sends the wrong impression. It shows that you love her so much that you will let her do anything, just to be with her. When I was with my first boyfriend, and he let me go date others, I lost a bit of respect for him. In my opinion, I feel that the only real choices you have are to talk to her and tell her that either the 2 of you stay together, or you really break up. Don't let her go on a break to date and sleep with other guys while you wait for her to come back and marry you. She doesn't get to have you as a back up. That doesn't mean that you wouldn't necessarily get back together, but that it is uncertain. She has to make the choice, and she has to have something to lose. Good luck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 April 2011):
my advice is not going to make you happy.you gotta let her go... she'll do it anyway and then feel bad...5 years at 18 is a long long time... and what you want at 18 is not what you want at 28.... it's a time for growth and change.It's my bet that she will go out with other men, that she may have sex with them... or not.. .but she may or may not come back to you.sadly I don't see a lot of options for you to make her stay and an ultimatum is not going to work well..Best bet, tell her that you are "letting her go" and experiment and figure out what she wants... and LET HER DO it... she may figure out that you are HER ONE... but it's a risk ya gotta take
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