A
female
age
51-59,
*ustme1999
writes:This guy is complicated! Do I spend the weekend with him and have sex with no emotions or strings attached? Here's the short story....We met a couple months ago, went out a few times, he works out of town and we text everyday. I was told in the beginning that he's a player but can't always go by what you hear. He was being possessive, asking me what I was wearing to work, if someone was hitting on me, etc. He has trust issues, been married/divorced a few times and won't get close to anyone and to top it off, the last time he was back, he found out he has some serious health issues and backed off from me, saying if wouldn't be right to get close to someone. We still went out that weekend, even stayed in a hotel, but didn't sleep together. We still text back and forth, with some of his texts being misleading and finally I said, "not fair, what gives you the right to decide...to please quit messing with my head and if he's not wanting to try because of his health, I feel sorry for him and if it has nothing to do with his health, he played it well. He said he didn't play me and thought it was a good thing he didn't sleep with me. Here's my conclusion, he's getting old (almost 50), lonely, serious health issues, has been deeply hurt and carrying that with him. He's been burned so bad, he's to scared to express his emotions and wear his heart on his sleeve. Yes, I told him this and he said I nailed it on the head. He met someone who's true, can read him and he probably doesn't know what to do? The next weekend he comes in, he wants us to spend a night together, sex but no emotions or strings attached I'm not like that but I'm so confused and don't know what to do. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Who needs this kind of game playing? You deserve better. If I were you I would give him a very wide berth and find someone who is prepared to treat you with the respect you deserve.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): Any time I hear a woman say a guy is complicated I have to say ...no he isn't. There are guys that give the illusion of complication, but it is a smokescreen to fly in under the radar for a quick hit it and quit it.
Will he hit it and quit it?
Right now I can tell you that is his intension's. If you get more from him it is because there is something about you he finds intriguing. But you won't know until he hits it and decides not to quit it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 May 2011):
 He's not complicated. He wants sex with no strings attached. He's very creative on how he gets there but basically, he's told you that he wants sex with no strings.
He's really good at manipulating you, from what you've written, he's allowed you to psychoanalyze him but the ultimate message from him was still 'you wanna get it on? I'm not down for anything other than that. Yeah, I'm an emotional mess and yadda yadda yadda. I still just want to get laid. You in?' If you cut though all the other B.S. he's been married/divorced a couple of times and ultimately is just looking for sex.
Run.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 hi
listen to your own wisdom, common sense, inner voice, whatever you want to call it rather than what he is saying. if you don't want sex with him or even to see him again don't do it. i agree with the poster who says he is playing the sympathy card. never take anything someone says on face value until you know them well are enough and are as sure as you can be that you trust them. it would be VERY interesting to hear his exes version of events wouldn't it?
i don't like the jealousy thing either regarding asking you what you are wearing to work. i hope you are not flattered by his possessiveness? it doesn't have anything to do with him needing you or your commitment. its all about control and his own lack of self esteem, that's if he genuinely means it and is not just trying to seem 'romantic' and can't stand the thought of losing you to another man.
xx
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 "He met someone who's true, can read him and he probably doesn't know what to do?"
I think it's the other way around, he not only reads you but can look right through you, actually right past you.
He's not writing posts online, with confusion and weariness. You are, that means you've been played. He knows how to push your buttons, he's got you now he's just trying to close the deal.
Turn a new leaf and turn the tables on this guy.
And don't give yourself kudos for showing him the door, but question your motives, desires and self esteem as to how this man got past the word Hello.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Hello,
Oh come on! He is not a good catch at all for you! He just wants sex. He pretends he needs to be rescued but wants no strings sex. Dump him and run lady!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Wow there really is a sucker born every minute and I've just read a post from one (no offence OP).
No strings attached? OP there's more strings attached to this man than a hangman's noose and this situation is even more fatal.
Are you really that desperate, lonely and gullible?
When you're told someone is a player OP, they're a player, always. People don't get that reputation without deserving it and he's playing you well too. I mean his history speaks for itself but you completely choose to ignore it.
"Oh I'm sick, I'm lonely, all I want is one night of sex and no one is nice enough to sleep with me, my health is so bad I might never get another chance, the world might end tomorrow, only you understand me, It's such a relief that I finally met you, it's good that we didn't sleep together that time, but hey since I'm lonely and you're desperate for male company how about we sleep together next time I'm in town, no strings I swear." God OP those that are the oldest tricks in the book.
I mean come on, he's jealous, possessive has history of horrible relationships, brings them up and says he has trust issues. The he uses pity to try to get you to sleep with him, when that doesn't work he tries the classic players turn around "it's a good thing we didn't sleep together". "I've been so hurt in the past, I'm just scared to open up to people, maybe if we have sex and that will fix me and I'll be able to love you forever" hahaha.
I'm sorry about all this OP I just think it's funny that a woman your age is falling for all this. I mean a teenage girl with no experience of men or of life might fall for it, but you should know better.
Now I might be very mocking in this post, my intention is not to offend you, but if I was your friend sitting there with you telling me this I'd slap you in the face and tell you to snap the hell out of it. But seeing as I can't, I just wrote that instead.
I'm serious OP, you sound like a woman that is very desperate and lonely, there is just no way in hell you'd put up with a guy like this or fall for his shit otherwise. I mean really, when I read your post I was prepared to hand out some advice but I really didn't believe what I was reading. I mean have you read what you wrote? read it again OP, pretend that's another woman who wrote it and you'll laugh your ass off too.
This is what is going to happen OP, you are going to sleep with him because you've already come this far, you've already played all these games with him and you have a reason for that. You actually really like this guy, otherwise you would have been gone a long time ago. Given that OP, I just know you're going to go ahead and do it, perhaps you came here looking for people to support you in that but you won't OP because it will be a very bad thing to do and you're going to get very hurt once you realize he's using you and he played you.
You know that phrase "the greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince the world he doesn't exist"? Put the word player in for devil and you'll understand your situation.
I wish you luck OP, don't feel too bad when you sleep with him, you're intentions are good, even if you don't truly understand what he's doing yet, you will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): He sounds like he needs some serious counseling. I say that respectfully. Ill highly advise you break contact with this guy for good as he could easily be an emotional roller coaster... sex without emotions still maintains a relationship or friendship, both of which you should be very cautious about given your post stated. Regards.
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A
female
reader, justme1999 +, writes (5 May 2011):
justme1999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your reply. i can see the goodness in him, he did open up prior to my email on his trust issues, with him, getting older, having congestive heart failure, being hospitalized for it & his monthly follow up, dr. said he was a "walking ticking time bomb", and i guess what you call, him not finishing the play, by not sleeping with me & him thinking that was a good thing. guess i was hoping for a change rather than a play. was just confused if it would be worth the risk or not. you're probably right, would be headed for heartbreak with him. again, thank you for your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 May 2011):
 My advice would be to run...RUN...and run some more right away from him and to find someone else less ambiguous, less manipulative and someone who doesn't play games.
Stack it up:
He's a player (self admitted)
He has trust issues
He's controlling
He's emotionally unavailable...hence the not getting close to anyone...
and he has a string of failed relationships behind him.
You have done what any love seeking and caring woman does...you have taken all the disturbing things you know about him (and they are disturbing and throw up massive red flags) and you have over analysed him and rolled him round into a package that you can accept by assuming he's some poor hurt creature who needs love. He probably does but with so many issues it looks like this guy will only do things on his terms and is keeping you at armslength by suggesting sex but with no strings...ask yourself how you will feel if he uses you for sex and then walks away or starts to ignore you?
I myself know how hard it is to be single in your 40's. Most women know what they want and it's hard to find someone suitable and available so a lot of women tend to go with whats available and those are men who have a lot of issues that other women won't put up with. I also know that intrinsically people never change...if he has these faults and strange ways and controlling aloof behaviours now...he will always have them...however close you get to him.
If, after you have analysed him as a hurt forlorn man and he has acknowledged that, you would think it would draw him a little closer to you...but he has suggested no strings sex?? If he thinks you are true and understand him, why suggest something that is in effect using someone?
Don't be fooled by the health issue...a lot of people have health issues and have no problem falling in love.
When a man wants to love and be with a woman, he will be attentive, open, kind, loving and make lots of effort to make her feel secure and wanted...not play games, be ambiguous and suggest no strings sex...
If you wish to keep him as a friend then thats ok, but raise the bar a little and allow yourself the luxury of finding someone who is more genuine, has less problems and can fall in love with you unconditionally.
My heart goes out to you xxx
Em
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I can understand why you are confused, so am I. I don't understand why someone like yourself - someone who is not interested in having sex with no emotion or strings, consent to having sex with no emotions or strings attached? If you are not that type, why would you do it? The answer should be a simple, "No thanks" for you, or am I not grasping the dilemma?
What are you getting out of this relationship with a man that is emotionally unavailable? Is it that you are enjoying the game? Is it that you are proud of yourself for having seen through his bravado, nailed his true personality, and called him on it?
The bottom line is that he is going to behave as he has always behaved (as a player), and he is going to get what he has always gotten (sex with no strings attached). All the other issues - trust, health, past hurt, are kind of beside the point here.
All you have to ask yourself is if you can handle/want meaningless sex with a player. The fact that you understand him, will not change him. In truth, I wonder if you really "nailed it" at all. Coming from a player, he might have told you just what you wanted to hear.
Honestly, I think you are headed for heartbreak with this man. Don't mean to be harsh, but my advice is not to have sex with him. I think you will regret it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2011):
 do not do it.
NSA/FWB won't work unless you really don't care about him and clearly you do.
do you think sleeping with him will make him change his mind or his behavior? it probably will not.
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