A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm struggling to forget my boyfriend's infidelity two years ago.Sure, it sounds reasonable enough, only that at the time we were referring to each other as "more like friends" and he never actually SLEPT with this girl. Since we met, we'd been the love of each other's lives. Our relationship had drifted over the time THIS happened, because we were both living separate lives, busy with our careers, but our love never faded. It was always just the two of us, or so I thought.That particular year this happened, I was incredibly busy, working two jobs. When I found out he'd been spending time with another girl, I felt like my heart split in two, because he'd never been open about it.. and honesty has always been a huge thing for me.What, in actual fact, had happened, was he'd been lonely without me around, spent time with this girl as a friend, didn't tell me about it because he knew I thought this girl was rather more fond of him than a friend. This girl had made a pass at him and became severely upset when she didn't get what she wanted, proceeding to turn up at his house on many occasions, trying to change his mind.When I found out he'd lied to me about seeing her and keeping ALL of this from me, I suddenly felt the same emotions a wife would feel when she finds out her husband has had an affair. The same amount of LOVE was still there and so was the dishonesty and betrayal. I launched into an overemotional self defense and told him I never wanted to see him again, without giving him time to explain his side and then he disappeared from town for three days.Three months later, after I'd seen him many times on the street, alone, looking sad... and I'd heard he'd been asking my friends how I was.. and his relatives had commented how melancholy he'd been, I realised it didn't measure up with my version of what his life was like now aka happier than ever with his new girlfriend. I decided to contact him to find out what happened in his own words. He cried for hours and hours as he explained everything to me. I'd never seen him cry before.Now, present day, we've worked through everything and discussed EVERY detail. Yet, some nights, like tonight, all these, "but what if's" are racing through my head. Where did he go over those three days? Do I believe him when he says he went to clear his head? If he didn't, then he doesn't really owe me an explanation since we clearly weren't together at the time. Why is my mind reverting back to all this when we're moving onto a happy and positive future together? This experience made us realise we need to make a further commitment to each other and salvage our relationship, yet I seem content on living in the past.How do you get past a broken heart and that feeling of betrayal? This isn't a classic "love affair" scenario, as you can see, so I just feel like I'm being irrational, mellow-dramatic and bordering on lunacy!The mind is a powerful thing.It seems, unless the interactions between him and this girl were included on some reality show, where I could witness every moment, I seem to feel out of control.. because I wasn't THERE when it happened and so I can only take someone else's word for what REALLY took place. No matter how many times he runs me through what happened (as painful as it is for him each time he has to repeat it) I still never feel I have closure.I just want to go back to how I USED to be. He is not hindering our relationship's progress, when he realised this girl wanted more than friends, he tried to calm her down when she got upset but in the end, when that didn't work, stopped ALL contact with her. He has clearly played his part. Yet, I'm wrecking my own life. It's all my own doing.Any advice is appreciated. How can I get past this stupid drama and move on like a mature adult? Alternatively, if you can suggest a good psychologist, maybe I should call them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011): TEM,
Thanks for having the patience to read through my long-winded post.
I did book myself in for counselling when it happened, but I think I needed an outside opinion, so yes, I'll go back. I obviously need help dealing with the anxious thoughts.
I appreciate your complement that I'm insightful. I didn't consider myself to be, but I suppose at least I'm happy to go to counselling and admit I have a problem and many people would be afraid to acknowledge that.
Appreciate your time!
A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 For some reason this incident triggered obsessive thinking on your part. You are doing what is called ruminating. You are running something over and over in your mind, obsessing on every detail. However, you know it is irrational, and that's a good sign. Now you want to know how to stop obsessing over this incident.
I could argue every point with you. I could tell you it's all in the past, that it happened before you were a real couple, that you should believe what he told you, that he seems like a sincere guy, etc., etc., and it wouldn't change a thing.
How do I know this? I know because you have tortured your boyfriend with it. You have made him go over and over it, but it hasn't helped to stop your obsessive thoughts. It hasn't brought you the closure you believe you need. It hasn't helped you move past your feelings of betrayal.
I am going to agree with your own suggestion. I think you should seek professional help. I am not saying this because I think you are sick. I am advising this because you have great insight into your behavior. You know it is irrational and it is ruining what might be a great relationship. I think you will find peace in talk therapy with a good counselor. That is how you will get back to the person you use to be.
I wish you the best.
TEM
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