A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm Doing a bit of introspection and have a very strange hypothetical question to ask:Which is worse;A) A guy who's a great provider, not very affectionate or caring, never helps out around the house, spends hardly any time with his kids but is loyal.B) A guy who's a great provider, very affectionate and caring, is very active in the homelife, a great partner and listener but loses the plot every 2-3 years by cheating and then feels guilty and wants to come back and reconcile. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): Thanks for the kind words TEM.
I truly am sorry and not only for her sake but also mine.
I've not only let down my girlfriend but also her family, my family and not in the least myself.
I have been doing a lot of introspection, interviews with a therapist and going to CoDA meetings since this happened and I've come to realize that I have very deep seated co-dependency issues. I am unable to fully express and resolve my negative feelings which then get bottled up until they come bursting out of me in the worst possible way.
Looking back this has been a repeated pattern in all my adult life.
I am continuing to see a therapist. I find CoDA meetings to be helping a lot and am hoping to find a good sponsor soon to help me through the 12 steps.
Currently I am very optimistic that I will be able to resolve my issues and with continued practice and awareness enjoy happiness and my life without tearing it apart like this ever again. This is my sincere hope for myself but as for my girlfriend forgiving me only she can make that decision and time will tell.
I pray to god that we can be together again but ultimately it is not in my hands anymore. I have caused a lot of hurt for which I am deeply sorry but all I can honestly hope to get from this is a lesson and an understanding that will give me peace in my life and keep from repeating this behavior and causing this kind of pain to anyone ever again.
A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 I had a feeling you were guy B wanting to know if your good qualities would absolve you of your indiscretions. I wouldn't take that tact in trying to win your girlfriend back, however. That's like saying, "Hey, I'm a great guy and I love you. That should outweigh the stupid things I've done when I was drunk."
Instead ask for forgiveness. You seem very repentant. Why not send the essence of what you have written here to your ex-girlfriend? People can be forgiven if they are truly sorry. You do seem sorry. Also, stay away from the drink.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (9 May 2011):
 cheaters often get caught out in the end but its a good thing that you have learned from it and its given you the wake up call you needed to fix your self. good luck with the therapy. hopefully you will come out of this at the end as neither A or B but a new man who has none of the bad traits you have listed in your question. its nice to see someone stop and take a look at theirself and behaviour instead of carrying on making the same mistakes for the rest of their lives and making other peoples lives a misery in the process
best wishes
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): OUCH! Damn that's harsh.I have to come clean and tell you that I'm the original poster and that I'm sorry to admit that I'm guy B.Guy B is just a guy I know from another relationship I know of where the wife has been considering leaving him for months.While reading these replies, it feels really bad, but I have to appreciate the honesty.I also feel like I now have to explain myself a bit better. When I first met my girlfriend 3 and a half years ago I was in a pretty messed up dark place in my life. 3-4 months into the relationship I was still not totally committed, got very drunk and hooked up with I had been flirting with for months prior to meeting my girlfriend.I never had any intentions of doing anything with this girl before because I didn't like her like that but the flirting had seemed to me up until that point like harmless fun.The day after, I felt horrible, tried to cover it up which didn't work out and really hurt my girlfriend.I worked on my stuff, she worked on her stuff and we worked together on our stuff although I have to admit now that neither one of us probably did it well enough. In any case things got a lot better, I was totally committed, loved her dearly, still do and we became, according to everyone else, the perfect couple. We helped each other out, we supported each other. All in all, a very loving relationship.However, at some point, around the point were the sex life came to a grinding halt, I started feeling frustrated, trapped and unsatisfied.This went on for a year and a half before I was losing it, going out drinking more often, drinking more every time I did and eventually, the Saturday prior ended up flirting with some random chick at a bar all the way through to kissing her and giving her my phone number.I have to admit that I hardly remember any of it but know this is what happened because my girlfriend called the other girl up and asked.The reason she called was because the girl added and poked me on facebook. My girlfriend became curious and looked at my phone. From there she learned the truth.I am not trying to excuse anything by having been frustrated or unsatisfied, my actions are unjustifiable.What I have come to realize is that I have serious codependency issues and associated difficulties expressing my feelings in a non-destructive fashion.Instead I bottle them up in an effort not to rock the boat until they just break their way out in anyway they can. It's like they become a beast inside of me that demands to be heard.I have also come to realize that our relationship just had serious communication problems from the start and we weren't being completely open and honest with our feelings most of the time rather opting to maintain the illusion of peace and happiness.I am now totally committed to working on my issues. Both personal issues to do with my self-image and issues in dealing with my feelings, expression, communication and how I connect with people I want to be and stay intimate with.I would also very much like to work with my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend) on the issues that troubled our relationship, hopefully with time and the grace of god, reconnecting, getting to know each other again and eventually building a much stronger relationship as a result of this mess I made.I imagine all this work will take a lot of time and realize that no matter what the outcome we will remain separated for a good many months to come. I wouldn't like to have it any other way as I truly won't the both of us to be able to start again and make a conscious effort to build something better.I am seeing a therapist now and imagine that if she'll be willing that we would seek the help of a therapist to help guide us through the rebuilding process however long it might be.I'm not sure that she agrees with my idea at this moment but it's only been a week since "the incident" so it's probably too early to even bring it up.In any case I think having a few sessions together would at the very least allow us to part ways in more peace and give us a lot more closure rather than just walking away with out saying a word.In any case, it was a hypothetical I just threw out there because at the time I wanted to know how "bad" or "unlovable" of a person I really was.I still like to think that I'm not really a bad person or that I am unlovable. Nothing I've done has ever been done with malice and it hurt me more than I can say to have caused this suffering to someone I love.It's very unfortunate that my issues and circumstances have put me in this position and I wish to god that it wasn't so but wishing isn't going to change anything. All I can do is continue and try and become a better person as I really don't want to go through this again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2011):
 Both are very bad, but definitely B.
A may be not such a joy to live with- but B is simply laughing in your face and taking you for a ride, if all his love and caring are affection aren't enough to make him keep it in his pants !
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (6 May 2011):
 I would say B would be worse because in A, the woman never feels loved. In B, he's affectionate and so the woman loves him and loves to be around him, but when she finds out he's been cheating on her, it would rip her heart out. I'd rather live in an unloved household than be cheated on.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 May 2011):
hi
both are bad coz they both make the woman feel unloved. A makes her feel this way over a long time, like a long drawn-out torture but B makes her feel loved but then suddenly subjects her to the cruelty of his infidelity. both men are equally as damaging and disrespectful and; in the end; unlovable
both of these men would have to change aspects of them self in order to make certain wives feel happy so maybe the wife would be better scrapping the relationship and moving on in the hope of finding someone better for her. after all there are more men in the world than these two hypothetical characters aren't there?
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (4 May 2011):
 The first option is worse.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2011):
 if you know guy b is going to cheat... and you KNOW you will forgive him... give him permission to OPENLY have his affair. letting him know that you too have this right is fair as well.
personally I don't believe humans are naturally monogomous I think it's something invented by the morality police.
to me the problem is not the infidelity (as it needs to be called) but the LIES that go with it. IF you do away with the lying, then for me personally the problem is a no brainer.
I would rather my man have a fling with someone and I know about it than have him LIE to me.
to me sex is just a bodily function much like eating or sleeping. and sometimes we like to eat out or go on vacation.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (4 May 2011):
This is like choosing how you would like to be executed. Firing Squad? Guillotine? Electric Chair? Seriously, neither choice is very appealing, but I'll play along.
They are both great providers, so the first points cancel each other out. What you are really asking is, whether or not having a great companion in every way is worth it, even if they cheat on you once in a while.
Which is more soul crushing? Living with a man that is cold and irresponsible day-in and-day out, or living with the love of your life who betrays your trust.
If I had to choose, I'd have to choose the former, my friend. At least with the cold guy, you know what you've got. He's loyal, so you are secure in the knowledge that he cares. With the charming guy that cheats, well who can measure the pain betrayal brings? Everyone's barometer might be a little different. For me, that's a deal breaker. The pain of living with heartache far outweighs the pain of living with someone who is a bit boring. Also, you can work on the relationship with the man that isn't real affectionate. The cheater, I don't know. And it's the not knowing, the uncertainty that comes along with betrayal that is soul crushing.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 May 2011):
 I would say they are both as bad as each other and I cant pick one which is 'worse' - they are both unforgiveable and would end a marriage/relationship in my opinion.
However the only thing that may swing it, to make the cheater the worse of the two - is if the un-affectionate man was willing to get marriage/relationship counselling and work to make things better. That would show that deep down he does care and still has feelings for his partner.
Whereas the cheater, repeats this behaviour every 2-3 years and expects the woman to be sat around waiting for him to come crawling back! Cheating one time is forgiveable, but doing it repeatedly is just awful and is a huge sign that he has no respect for his partner if he can keep on doing it time and time again. It also shows that he has no remorse and knows he can get away with it so he keeps on doing what he wants, he is incredibly selfish and does not care for his partner at all.
So, if we are looking at them both in the purest form, they are both as bad as each other and if I was with a man who fell into either category, I would leave.
However if the first man was willing to talk and work on the relationship with a counsellor, and look at his emotional problems....then I would say the second scenario is far worse. Even if the second guy wanted to get help for his repeated betrayals, I think the trust would have been so broken and badly damaged that there is no going back. Cheating repeatedly is pretty low, I would never be able to forgive the repeated lack of regard for me.
You are basically saying what is worse, a relationship with no love, or a relationship with no trust? The answer is they are both as bad as each other, both deal-breakers and both should end in a break-up.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): B.
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