A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my situation is... I was married for four years. not all of them happy but the person I married I was basically in love with since i was 16 years old. Now that I am 24 things in our lives are obviously different than they use to be. We have a son who is four. Basically we have had our ups and our downs. He was the type of man who was head over heels for me and I was too. We had our son young and got married young ( no criticism please). In our first year of marriage after I had my son, yes I gained weight, and went through post postpartum depression, to make it short he went and saw his ex girlfriend. He claims nothing happened but kissing ( which he finally admitted to years later). It broke my trust and my heart and I have never really gotten over it. Years went by and there were a few times he said to me he did not know what he wanted and that he wasn't in love with me anymore, only to later say he truly loved me and that I was what he wanted. It even got to a point where we decided to "see other people " and after I had met someone he told me he wanted me and all that jazz and tried it at our marriage again. this last summer we were actually doing really well and i was doing a lot of focusing on myself. at the end of that summer i had told him that I wanted a divorce. Not sure if I truly wanted one but I did want to see if he would even care. After a big old speech that I said his response was "well you make good points". Well at that point I had felt that our relationship had been over for awhile and I had met someone that I did not expect. I had moved out and moved in with my parents for the time being. I had continued to see this guy not expecting to fall for him. well 8 months later i am in love with this man. It is a very different feeling than I have had for anyone else. I could go on and on about how great he is but my problem is this....My husband who I had continued to see since I moved out ( he gave me the speech of I didn't know what I had till it was gone) and yes the guy I have been dating knows all about it any everything and has been very understanding. Well the husband joined the army and is leaving in a couple weeks and now my mind is going crazy. Do I let go of him? Do i work on our marriage? The new guy treats me more amazing than anyone, do I stay with him? Give that a true shot? What in the world do i do?? any advice is helpful... thanks for reading!
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (19 April 2011):
 This is so hard to answer (I can see why you wrote in). I am going to have to go against conventional wisdom here. I'm not going to tell you to try and work it out with your husband. You've tried that several times, and the result was that, after a period of time, you were broken up again. And now he leaves for the Army? No chance of working on your marriage with that going on. Also, the distraction of your other relationship would make it impossible to attempt any real, lasting, resolution. When you try to reconcile a marriage, a) both parties have to be committed to it (and present) and b) you can't be involved with someone else. I don't know why your husband gave you the "you never know what you have till it's gone" speech. I suspect he did it because he is scared that there will be no one waiting for him at home while he is in the Army (did he even consult you of that decision?).I think the marriage is over. I think it has been for a long time. It's been difficult to let it go because of the little one, and the fact that you were pretty young, but sometimes things just don't work out. I think that is the case here. It looks like divorce might be best, particularly in light of the fact that you are involved with someone else.My advice is to become independent of any man. That way you don't have a dependency coloring your decision. It seems you went from your parent's home, to your husband's home, and now back to your parents. I would advice you to strike out on your own. You are have a lifetime ahead of you. I think it's nice that you've found a new boyfriend and that he treats you well. However, I would advise you not to move in with him. It is time for you to grow. Start a career, become independent. The best advice I can give young women is that you have to make your own way in this world. Having a great life partner is icing on the cake.Good luck!TEM
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