A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone.I have been married since June of 2007 and my husband has been out of work this entire time. Originally it was that he couldn't find work no matter where we looked (believe me, I was helping !!), but then our daughter was born and we decided that he would be an at-home-Dad for a few years. It was been hard on us both. Well, we went through a very difficult time last summer and we nearly split up. We were able to work things out for the most part and were like newlyweds for a while. Well now, he gives tons of affection to our 3-yr old (which I am ecstatic about since I didn't get much of that from my own father), but I am starving from lack of affection from him. I read "What Husband's Can't Resist" which helped a great deal, but doesn't seem to be helping now. We do most everything according to his rules.....he gets sex from me every day; I don't even get to orgasm that much myself, but do it for him at least so that we have that daily connection; I have given up being controling about everything and put him in that "Captain's Seat" so to speak, but have still maintained a small degree of control where he lacks in knowledge; and so much more that I can't even remember at this point. All I asked from him this morning was for affection.......come over and kiss me; say "I love you" first without me having to say it first; cuddle with me in bed before we go to sleep like we used to without it seeming like I am asking him to slam his manhood in a door or something. Why is this so hard? Why is this such a problem? I don't want everyone to think that I am whining here.......not trying to. I just have a few needs myself and he doesn't seem to care. His remark was "Everything is fine, why do you want to cause trouble where there isn't any?". Everything is not fine or I would feel like he loves me. Every birthday, Mother's day, Christmas, whatever.........he never thinks of me. He always makes the excuse that "he is not working." I am sorry.....I know this post is all over the place. I just have so much information to put down that I really don't know where to start or stop or what to fill the inbetween. My apologies.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): Hello Poster. (A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011)
I wanted to thank you also for your advice. What I meant by control is bibically.......he is head of household, makes most of the decisions, etc. He is an immigrant and comes from the Middle East. He is not at all used to the way things are here in America. I do believe that he feels horrible about his work situation and I do my best to be understanding and "pump him up" so to speak. Every time he calls home, someone gives him a hard time about the current situation. After all.....women don't support men financially where he is from. I don't belittle him in any way......he wouldn't stand for it. The more and more I think about it and read these wonderful and helpful posts, the more I am convinced that he (subconsiously) wants to make me feel just as badly as he does about himself. He knows I am hyper sensitive, which I have been making many steps to try not to be as such. He wasn't always like this which is why it hurts so much. I have put up with it for a very long time and am willing to stick it out, but most definitely needed the advice of others on how I can change this situation for the better. What I learned in "What Husband's Can't Resist" is that men don't change. They simply react to changes that the wife makes. It worked well for awhile........but I don't know if I changed again or he stopped reacting to my changes..........I honestly don't know. I think and think and think about it, and I always try to see what I did wrong in this situation and I really do have a question mark. I have also been unable to lose weight. He won't admit it to me.....but I know it has some sort of effect. His lack of knowledge is in how the credit system is here, how we pay the bills, how do we go about even getting drivers license, etc. I have had to lead him in all things with regard to simple things like that and he does thank me in his weaker moments. He'll say something like "I know how much you do and I am grateful." But is where it ends. He was very attentive for a long time, but I feel that staying home being a "house husband" or whatever you want to call it is breaking his spirit. We just filed for citizenship which will open up his possibilities with his particular trade, so hopefully only a few more months like this and we can truly be on the mend. I am just tired though......emotionally drained and needed some advice from those of you out there with the knowledge. He truly is a great man.....kind, smart, considerate......but not himself in his current state. Thank you all and I look forward to any additional posts that anyone may have.
Anonymous
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011): It's amazing this reversal of roles....My first instinct when I read this is 'this is how men usually feel after women have had kids and are all busy at home' but in this situation it is not he sex that is lacking it is the affection ie the equivalent or near equivalent of affection for a man.He is probably unhappy about his wor situation and being a man his natural instinct is to want to provide for the family....Encourage him not to give up looking for work, maybe he can think of starting a business from home...When you say your husband 'lacks knowledge' , what does that me...You may be unwittingly be putting him down directly on indirectly ...Plus what is the control thing you talk about???...Relationships are not about who controls who...So I do believe your bearing on these may not be right and not at all helping your husband feel better about the current situation...If yu are putting him down(and pls do be honest with yourself)...you need to stop this@ Poster whatever you do, donot go all guns blazing into an ultimatum....This could blow up in your face in a way you would never expect it to...Talk to him ie dont accuse him and dont judge him(it will only make him build defensive walls)....Let him know how much you love him and tell him what you want from him(not in a demanding/pressured way) but in a loving manner.....and this is not abut taking sides..its abut resolving issues
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Hi ladies,
Thank you both for your responses. It really helps to have someone on my side that is at least trying to understand.
Yes I agree.....not working has really hurt his self esteem a great deal......it almost feels like he is trying to make me feel as badly as he feels about himself.
I look forward to hearing more.
-- Anonymous
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2011):
 I'm sorry. He's not listening to you or your needs.
I am sure his lack of work contributes to his feeling bad about himself....
if he sees no problems that's a bigger problem than the lack of affection. IF he wont' go for help/therapy/counseling then I fear there is little hope for your marriage.
You should get counseling yourself at the minimum so you can learn coping techniques.
Also just to be annoying make him wait while you bring yourself to climax (alone in the bedroom with the door shut so he can't watch) before you service him. cause hon that's all you are doing is srvicing him.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (4 May 2011):
 Actually, your post is not all over the place. It's quite clear. You do not feel you get the same consideration you have been giving. He thinks you do. There is an inequity here and you are wondering how to solve this problem. His denial that there is a problem must be maddening.
It seems you've tried very hard, all to no avail. There is something here that runs deeper than either of you are able to see. If I had to speculate, based on your post and what I know about men, I would say there is a role reversal (you are the bread winner. He is Mr. Mom) and that is a tad emasculating for him.
I can feel how much this is upsetting you through your words. I don't think this is lost on him either. It is somewhat passive-aggressive of him to say there is no problem in the face of such anguish on your part. Showering your daughter with affection is wonderful, but it also highlights how little he is willing to give you, and that must hurt.
If he will not admit to the problem, and therefore will not talk, you will not be able to resolve the issue. I'd suggest marriage counseling. Marriage counselors have methods for getting people like your husband to recognize problems. If he will not go, I think an ultimatum may be in order. It sounds like you are not willing to live your life this way, and I don't blame you.
Best of luck.
TEM
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