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... Send *chlottjl a private message | | | *chlottjl's profile:I am a mom from the San Francisco Bay Area. I have a degree in Economics and a minor in philosophy and almost in Psychology. I wont take sides in arguments because no matter what it seems like, no one knows enough about what is really going on to judge. (Sometimes, least of all, those closely involved!)
I tend to empathize with both sides in arguments and try not to see things as simple. Human nature means there will be misunderstandings. It is only when we are honest with ourselves about who we are and what we want and need, are honest and sincere about communicating that to others, and choose quality people to share our time, that we have a chance at turning problems into opportunities for growth and happiness.
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No longer attracted to my wife. Not sure about moving in with the other woman. Help!
Q. Very Confused. I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have also been seeing another woman whom I fell in love with. I have sex with her, but not with my wife. My wife is a wonderful caring person. She gained weight and I no longer find her ...
A. 6 July 2005: Never give women outside your marriage a second glance. They always appear better than even they are. You only get an idealized version. The version you wish for first and the one she wishes she were second. Talk about impossible odds!
You v... (read in full...)
I never developed breasts and I don't feel like I could ever really satisfy a man's needs.
Q. I'm a twenty four year old female with sex issues. I find it hard to enjoy sex because of my physical shortcomings - I have never developed breasts. I don't mean that I have small breasts, I have literally NO breasts at all, just nipples. My sto...
A. 6 July 2005: While I am a woman, I would like to chime in only because I want to cry right now...
Granted I have the opposite problem than yours, (34ee Smaller than it sounds as it is 7inches larger than 34 at my largest area. (Notice my expanation- (yelling... (read in full...)
My husband leave me unsatisfied and I don't want to let him know!
Q. I am 37 and have a very high sex drive that I am afraid to let my husband see because he takes advantage of me when it comes down to sex. Many time I'm left unsatisfied while he rolls over and falls asleep. I'm faced with a dilemma, don't get me ...
A. 4 July 2005: He takes advantage of you and you still want sex from him? Or is it possible that he assumes you are as happy as he is? It could be that he is a cad and selfish, you would know better, but if you never have said anything about it how could he ... (read in full...)
Our sex drives are mismatched. She thinks we have sex often enough, but I'm frustrated...
Q. I am married to a beautiful 30 year old woman who I love dearly, but she has always had a very low sex drive and I am finding myself looking at other women and generally getting frustrated and depressed. We have sex less than once every two mont...
A. 4 July 2005: First, unless you want to betray your vows, you must change YOUR way of thinking before it is too late. Let's just say, stay away from the fence so you can't see how green the neighbors lawn is!
This is step one, and is the most important before a... (read in full...)
There's nothing between us any more. Should I carry on for the sake of our child?
Q. Hi I'm desperately unhappy. My partner is five months pregnant .. we do not get on ... no love, no care, no kindness... and we are about to move into a house togther. Should I go through with it for the sake or our baby or end it now please ? ...
A. 2 July 2005: Love that returns after periods of problems is real love. I agree with the post before mine. I have survived over a year of no feeling and sometimes disgust while never leaving.
After I bit the bullet and figured anything was better than the hate... (read in full...)
I'm reluctant to have sex with my girlfriend because I think my penis doesn't measure up!
Q. I am 17, am dating a girl, I haven’t yet had sex, but the time is getting closer where it will happen, and I want it to, but I am very self conscious about the size of my manhood. I hear of the average size being 6.5 inches, but after measuring mine ...
A. 2 July 2005: You are incorrect on the average length. You are slightly larger than average. Average is 4.5inches.
As a woman, I promise you that even if you are 3 inches we do not laugh. That is what guys do. WOmen need to rememger that guys don't think li... (read in full...)
Both of us are disappointed that I can't seem to orgasm during sex!
Q. I've been with my bf for over 2 years now and I have never orgasmed during sex. He has given me orgasms in other ways and he knows what I like. I do enjoy the sex, well especially at the beginning, but sometimes after a while I just think "just ...
A. 30 June 2005: Some women cannot orgasm during sex at all. So long as you can at all though maybe this can help. Try this:
After much (slow) foreplay, position yourself either doggystyle or you on to but facing up too. The idea is to make your clitoris easily a... (read in full...)
We have a real chemistry, but he also has issues with alcohol... Do I try to help him?
Q. I met a man over the internet and we had an instant chemistry from the start. We decided to meet and the meeting was incredible! True chemistry. Soulmates for sure. Problem is this. There is quite a distance of states between us and he has a ...
A. 30 June 2005: Don't walk- run! I say this from experience. Listen carefully- RUN- you CAN NOT help an alcoholic. If he admits he is one, please believe him. Keep in mind that it only goes down hill from there.
What he seems to be doing is stirring up drama an... (read in full...)
My boyfriend says he "loves" me, but he's not "in love with" me!
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 10 months. Two and half of these months has been long distance. Were about 5 hours apart. It has been hard but I believe in him so much and love him so much that I'm willing to do this long distance ...
A. 30 June 2005: This may hurt a bit but I would be very cautious if I were you. First, major problem is that he does not think you should move up to be with him. Just like human girls, human boys feel an excitement and an urgency to be together when they are in ... (read in full...)
I was sexually inexperienced when we met, but it seems he's had more than his share of women...
Q. After a heart to heart with my boyfriend the other day he has confessed to me that he has slept with between 20-50 women, some while he has been in a relationship with other people. I was quite inexperienced when I met him, and am very insecure. ...
A. 30 June 2005: Only that you have to watch to see if he is a user of women for his own fun. This information is of no other use to you and means nothing about you.
Did he offer this info up? If yes, beware as he is manipulating you for sick reasons. If you aske... (read in full...)
Things are great when we're together, but I'm always the one that initiates everything!
Q. Dear Cupid, ****Should I stay or should I go?**** I have had so much trouble with boys, they're just better off being my friends. I finally met a guy that made me feel differently about having a boyfriend. Now that we are a couple, I feel awkward...
A. 30 June 2005: Neither. Just don't call first and see if he calls you. In the mean time fill your social calundar so that you are not waiting by the phone. When out try not to discuss him. If someone else asks you out, you are not married or engaged, so accept if ... (read in full...)
My husband masturbates and he thinks it's perfectly normal...
Q. Is it normal for a happily married man to masturbate? My husband recently admitted that he still masturbates and thinks this is perfectly normal behaviour we have a good sex life, is it normal for happily married men to masturbate? ...
A. 30 June 2005: It is not only normal but good for your relationship so long as you don't spoil it. If he were to do it so much that he did not have anything left for you then that is not okay.
If you get from him what you need sexually, then his hobby could he... (read in full...)
My new wife constantly needs validation of her appearance, and somehow that's my fault!
Q. I can’t win, ever! My new wife (age 27) of three weeks… yippee!!! …. and I (age 36) am struggling through an old issue that I thought might be partially resolved through our committing our lives to each other. She has admitted that she has alw...
A. 29 June 2005: Sit her down at your prompting and say this. You know that I think you are beautiful or I would not have married you. However, I am a bit upset at your obsession with your looks and the pressure you are already putting on me and the marriage. I want ... (read in full...)
Will my new guy's little daughter accept me if I date her daddy?
Q. I really like this guy and he likes me. We dont live that far away but he has a 3 year old daughter. I cant decide if I get this this guy that I will be accepted. I have always wanted a baby but this wont be mine and she may find it hard for a new ...
A. 29 June 2005: Don't get to far ahead of yourself with worry. If you start to date the guy he should wait until you both know that you will be around for the long term. I am afraid more that she will love you and then you break up. That teaches a girl not to ... (read in full...)
My bf's plans only include a vague promise to "get married... one day", but I want to know where we stand...
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years and live together. For almost a year now he has been discussing getting married on and off but this just seems to be all talk as he has made no further plans, ie: engagement. He has also ...
A. 29 June 2005: First calm yourself. If you build resentment and then discuss this you will be arguing for him not to commit. Who wants to be forever with someone so resentful. (I realize that you cannot help that yet but try yoga or meditation on thankfulness ... (read in full...)
I left my husband for a woman who I love. But do I have to sacrifice my relationship with my daughters?
Q. I am 47 and have 2 children one 18 and one 14. Three years ago I fell in love with another woman. I left my husband and two children for her. I saw my daughters at least 4 times a week but obviously my ex hates me. 3 years on, my eldest will not...
A. 20 June 2005: Get yourself therapy for why you were willing to put anyone above your children. After time, invite your daughters to join you so that you can get that relationship right first.
There is no need to allow older children decide your life but plea... (read in full...)
He didn't want a relationship, which is OK. But he said he'd call me and he hasn't!
Q. I was talking to this guy who I liked very much. We were not dating yet, even though it felt like it. I thought everything was going fine until he stopped talking to me. Finally I got him to tell me what was wrong, and he said he didnt want a ...
A. 20 June 2005: Do not contact him and fill your time doing as much as possible until the pain subsides. He only told you he might want to be friends because he was looking for the easy way out.
You seem totally smitten and that must scare him. You said that you... (read in full...)
I'm ready for marriage and a family, but when I mention it to him, he gets mad...
Q. How can get him to seriously grow up and move on to the next part? We have been together for 8 years, I bought a house and sold it. Now back at our parents', apart. He says he wants to wait to buy another house and that I am so impatient, because ...
A. 20 June 2005: I understand how you must feel. He seems to want it his way which is the easiest way for him. He doesn't seem to care about your needs or feelings. And he doesn't seem to care about how this all feels to you. What a guy!
You seem to be financia... (read in full...)
He and I just click together and we love to cuddle up... but I feel like such a pervert.
Q. Im 32 years old, been married, but now divorced. I go clubbing every weekend, I live for the moment, and enjoy life to the full. I met last year, through another friend, this lad. we got on realy well, had the same thoughts on life, he loved mu...
A. 19 June 2005: I feel so sorry for your problem since I see that you have been a victim of abuse before. In fact, I venture to say that because of the past abuse, you cannot trust your instincts right now. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to become ... (read in full...)
I shouted a name during sex, but it wasn't HIS name!
Q. Tonight I was at my ex-boyfriend's house. Even though we're technically no longer together, we still feel strongly about each other. We were having the best time together. We never have as much fun as we did tonight. We just really hit it off. ...
A. 19 June 2005: This happens all the time and means absolutely nothing. Our brains work by habit. I have been with the man I am wiht for 10 years and still call him my brother, my x or my sons name (not just one time I even used my dogs name). If depends on my tone ... (read in full...)
I asked him to stop online chatting and porn, but he did it behind my back!
Q. My b/f 35 and I'm 33. At one time he was talking with girls on line and he was even calling them up and he also looked at porn all the time. He told me would stop and I thought he did but I found out he has been chatting with them again,and still lo...
A. 19 June 2005: I agree with communicatrix- In fact, men almost universally look at porn. But I am not sure if I gathered your meaning correctly when you say that he chats. Porn pictures and movies are one thing, if he is chatting or having phone sex, that ... (read in full...)
Her online chat log suggests that more was going on than she admits... What do I believe?
Q. Is her story a lie? Hello, i need some advice about my relationship. I have been seeing a girl for four years now and we are serious. For the last two years we have been in a long distance relationship and we are hoping that in the next 6-9 months ...
A. 19 June 2005: She is lying- but ask yourself this: Why do the two of you remain exclusive when you really cannot be together for real yet? Dating someone is really just trying them out for the "real commitment or marriage. She in particular should be worrie... (read in full...)
I thought he was trying to take advantage when I was drunk, but now I worry that I've turned him off permanently!
Q. I have a friend who I imagined likes me. Two weeks ago I went out with my friends, including him and I got drunk. He took me home that night and while he was driving me home he confessed he likes me. Later on, we starting talking about a sensitiv...
A. 17 June 2005: Call, ask to meet and tell him that you were out of your mind and would never have acted that way if sober. Then say that you were startled, but since then have thought about it and are horrified that you would hit a guy that was so good to you. ... (read in full...)
He won't give me up and he sleeps with someone else., too. Neither of us can say NO.
Q. Long love triangle. Was with ex for 18 yrs on/off. Split 3 yes ago drinking & cheating. Can't get over him. He now lives with g/f, not the one he cheated with. She's with one of his mates now as we (him & I) couldn't stay away from each other & ...
A. 17 June 2005: His life is as he planned it and you must equate pain and loss with love. For the next week or two don't worry about the yes or no part of the problem. Just start the distancing. None of the gals he is sleeping with has his respect. He probably ... (read in full...)
How can a mere girlfriend compete with my boyfriend's Mommy?
Q. My problem is boyfriend is 31 and lives at home with mommy. She makes things so easy for him and has him doing things for her, which is okay to a point. We have had an on/off relationship for 10 yrs. His mother is my competition. How can I ever w...
A. 17 June 2005: Oh how I feel you! I too have been seeing someone for 10 years and since his dad died, was a definate number two. This is what I did and it helped greatly. Determine to pull yourself out of the running. If you complain at all about the situat... (read in full...)
My friends bought me a vibrator... but I'm too tight to use it.
Q. I am still a virgin, but my friends bought me a vibrator for my birthday.I want to use it but when I tried for the first time it really hurt. I think my vagina is too tight. Is there any way I a "stretch" my vagina muscles?...
A. 7 June 2005: How fun. I though you meant prudish not physically small. My bad. The easy answer is if is wiggles use it on the outside, if not it goes in. (Vibrators vibrate and dildos dip) But first, as woment we are spiritual and emotional by nature (unlesss ... (read in full...)
I think he smokes too much dope, but he doesn't care and says he'll do it anyway!
Q. Hello, I need advice on my relationship with my boyfriend.We have been going out with each other for a while now, but there is this one thing that he does that makes me mad. He smokes and gets high mostly every day. I try to confront him and...
A. 7 June 2005: I totally agree with Bev. He is an adult and just because you think something and believe your evidence is valid means absolutely nothing. I sooooo wish that my judgements were law and that I could save all from themselves or their addictions... But ... (read in full...)
I make him happy in ways his wife can't... Now what do I do?
Q. I have somehow gotten myself into a relationship with a married man. He set boundaries at the beginning stating what he was comfortable with happening between the two of us, but he has slowly broken all of his own rules. He is definitely starting to ...
A. 6 June 2005: He is trying to not look as sleazy as he is. DO NOT pursue him. Any woman will be able to do things his wife cannot do. That is because he has intimacy issues and wants an easy way out. Women are only fertile a short while. If you ever dreamt ... (read in full...)
How can I get the spark back into our boring relationship?
Q. Dear cupid, my boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year now and I'm starting to get bored with our relationship and I've stopped wanting to have any physical contact with him. He's always working and I can only see him at night for like an ...
A. 6 June 2005: First, have you had any health changes? New meds (including birth control or anti depressants?) If yes, (particularly the two I mentioned) they could be the reason. If there are no new med concerns I suggest checking out the post I just made to t... (read in full...)
I don't know whether to believe him when he says he's just not a sexual person...
Q. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and we are for the most part happy with our relationship. We get along great and look forward to seeing each other, but we don't really have sex that much. I would say once a week, maybe twice.. ...
A. 6 June 2005: I would always believe that when a person says they are not very sexual, it is at least somewhat true 95% of the time even if it means totally embarrassed about talking about it out loud. In your case, once to twice a week is not far from healthy ... (read in full...)
I told her she was beautiful... but since, then we haven't talked at all!
Q. I'm in of need help.A month ago i asked out a girl who i liked for ages. I have known her for about 5 years and we are both in 1 class together. We are both 15 and I haven't liked her for all the 5 years but when i told her why i liked her ( i said ...
A. 30 May 2005: I agree with kt. Girls are attracted to guys who are not too needy. Makes us feel you are not strong and that no one else will have you so you are desperate. I hate to say this, but a little game is in order. Let it be known that you were interes... (read in full...)
Don't want to leave my son's dad, but I love someone else! What do I do?
Q. I dont know what to do. I have a 14 month old with my partner but I am seeing someone else who I love. I can't leave my partner though because I need his support financially and to be a dad to his son. What shall I do?...
A. 30 May 2005: I would cool your heels a bit. What kind of person do you want to be, what kind of mom? You will harm your son if you so quickly jump from one man to another. You clearly don't know what you want and seem to be searching for something no new guy can ... (read in full...)
Can someone give me some pointers on understanding flirting?
Q. How do you know when a bloke is flirting with you with intent or just being friendly? Is it hard to read the signs between general flirting (friendly) or I-fancy-you flirting (if you catch my drift on any of this). Is trying to wind you up/take ...
A. 30 May 2005: In general any sexual innuendo is a fancy flirt and any sweet talk but no accidental touch and no physical talk is just a maybe. To know the difference let him guide you and keep it at his level. Then every once in a while tap his arm gently w... (read in full...)
I'm so shy around him that I can hardly speak. So how do I tell him I want him for all time?
Q. I have liked this guy for 15 years. In fact I think I am falling in love with him. I don't get to spend much time with him and when we do see each other we hardly speak because I am too shy. He recently ivited me to his flat so that I could see ...
A. 30 May 2005: Try to work out a solution in the middle. That means do not tell him you want to bear his children since that will scare any teen guy, that is worthy of your devotion away. But don't give up and miss out on all the fun either. Flirt by fixin... (read in full...)
My boyfriend cheated and lives with the other girl, but he tells me to "wait" for him. Say what?
Q. I'm so confused about my son father. He's 20 years old. He cheated on me and is now living with the girl but he still says he loves and wants to have sex with me and tells me to wait for that. He wants to be with me, but not right now....
A. 30 May 2005: I agree with Bev. Put it this way, would you dare to ask someone to do that for you? Why should you not have a line up of people to play with? Ah, that would be wrong and not very considerate to the playthings now would it. Don't let him make you... (read in full...)
My b/f says "stress" is the reason we don't have sex, but he still has cybersex...
Q. I meet this guy since 10 month. Our relationship is great except we are not having sex anymore, rarely . We used to have it every day. When I ask him he says 'stress from work' but he masturbates on the net every night and don't have a problem with ...
A. 30 May 2005: I cannot tell if you are gay or straight from your question but regardless, the reason he is not having sex with you is because he has "spent" his "Lovin" for the day outside the relationship. Very few men can regularly go for more than one or... (read in full...)
Maybe we should have a break. He says I'm stressing him out...
Q. I'll try to keep this brief. I've been dating this guy on/off for 10 yrs, since I was a teen. A few years ago we started getting serious. However, while we were dating he married someone else. I found out the hard way (catching them together...
A. 28 May 2005: He should be stressing you out! How does he make you feel? Special? Do you have any question that you are the most important relationship he has? (Not of the women he has, but more important than his parents, friends ect.) Marriage is a ... (read in full...)
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