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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi I'm desperately unhappy. My partner is five months pregnant .. we do not get on ... no love, no care, no kindness... and we are about to move into a house togther. Should I go through with it for the sake or our baby or end it now please ? L Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mamma +, writes (6 July 2005):
BREAK IT OFF because you will only end up hating your partner and through time you may take this out on the child not intentionally but you may look at the child and think "if it wasnt for you i could be elsewhere".Don't forget your commitment to the child and always be there for him/her and maybe through time you and your partner will see its been for the best.A child would much rather have happy parents than have parents who barely speak.My mum and dad split when i was three and my mum made sure i saw my dad every week and i grew to understand that my dad had just stopped loving my mum in that special way but dont ever fall into a pattern of saying nasty things to the child about his/her mum because it will only go against YOU.My mum blamed my dad but over the years i found out it wasnt all his fault but he never ever said a word out of place about her and i greatly respected him for that.Be there during the pregnancy for support and for your child afterwards but for your own sanity i would break it off now.
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (3 July 2005):
I can honestly say that i have two happy divorced parents that were deeply unhappy together. If you are sure there is nothing left to salvage then break it off, but don't forget your responsibilities to your child.
If you moved in for the sake of your child you may end up resenting both of them. Be a happy dad that just dosen't live with mum.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 July 2005):
 Don't move in together. If you do, the absence of feeling that you have for this woman will turn to resentment, or worse. The watching world will expect that the two of you, expecting a child together, to act like a happy couple, and you'll learn to hate the fact that you aren't.
You will always, ALWAYS have contact with this woman who is having your child. You should always be available to her, so that you can help to care and raise your son or daughter. That doesn't mean that you have to live together in the same household, and, in fact, if you have no feelings for each other, it would be counterproductive.
Cancel the moving in - find a place near enough that you can get to know your child and leave it at that.
If the two of you develop feelings for each other at some point in the future, you can always find a place together then, right?
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A
female
reader, hopeless +, writes (2 July 2005):
I was in your shoes before I was pregnant and there were no real feelings towards my son's father. I decided it would be in the best interest of the child to part ways. There's always time for parent time. A child deserves to be in a house where there's lots of love.Love your child but make the decision you think would be best for him/her. But don't try to build a bridge if it's only going to fall.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (2 July 2005):
 Love that returns after periods of problems is real love. I agree with the post before mine. I have survived over a year of no feeling and sometimes disgust while never leaving.
After I bit the bullet and figured anything was better than the hate that was growing, I practiced the principle of fake it till you make it.
The idea is that you act as if. As if you loved her deeply, you had your every wish in her, as if you expected this glitch as she grows and gets craggy. In almost no time the feelings returned stronger than ever.
Now my relationship is the one I always wanted. Because of the years of difficulty and sticking with it, trust has been built. There is no sex quite like the sex that is between people that have been through it all and built more from it.
When you think of marriage or at least committment, don't you want someone who loves you through thick and thin? Be that and you'll get it. Do you hope to be loved if you are fat, sick or in a bad spot in general? Do that!
The human condition is one that we want so much from the relationship but rarely do we consider that that is what your partner wants too. Everyone wants to bask in the attention and not worry about what we come off looking or feeling like.
Finally, If the ideal woman was secretely watching your actions to decided if you were the one for her, how would you treat the woman who was pregnant with your child. Would a quality woman hear that you dumped her and think that is sexy? Your reputation is built at times like this.
If she trapped you (so called since you have a brain and then clearly did not think of the consequences), then you still have to be her best friend at the very minimum.
Now for the advice you did want to hear. Don't move in with her. That will cause the biggest problems in the long run. If you don't marry her and just move in, you will have the same issues of deperating property with none of the benefits that real committment bring.
Let me clarify. Living together is not a lasting committment. You keep in mind that you can always leave, even though it would be just as hard to do so emotionally. The more you own in common the harder the emeshment would be. Living together often dooms relationships because you live like your married but fool the mind so that you practice non-committment. That sets you up to treat the other with less respect. You can always leave afterall.
Something tells me you only were asking because you know you made a mistake sleeping with her and now you are in over your head. I wish you would have thought of that before her condition.
Think of the poor child. I want to cry when I do. That baby will come to the world wanting a mommy and daddy who dote on him/her. They want your love and your time. You plan to give them neither at this time cause she is acting mean? I suspect you are scared. You should be, but not for the reasons you are.
My friend, it is no longer about you. If you have a girl, you will be the most important thing in her development. With out you another insucure slut is born. With you though the most amazing woman. If you have a boy, I, as a woman, should be scared. He can turn selfish dangerous and criminal. She might be able to curb these tendancies all by herself, but if you stick around, you give structure (women can't seem to do as the softies we tend to be.)
Please make the choice to participate no matter what. Show them (and the world) what a real man is made of. The child needs that more now than ever.
Please go to counceling!
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A
female
reader, cr_jb14 +, writes (2 July 2005):
I understand that you would want to work out your relationship becuase of the sake of the baby but as a mother of 2 that was in your situation when I was 16 I have to tell you if you feel there isn't any love there it's best to leave it alone but of course always be there for your baby if you've already tried talking and have tried to work it out and still feel its not going to happen then remain friends because its better to raise a baby when you can get along and you're not fighting 24-7 belive me! I doubt you want you child to grow up hearing you fight all the time right? good luck!
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reader, pops +, writes (2 July 2005):
Get to a professional counselor, if only for the sake of the child you are about to bring into the world. You may have nothing in common with your gf, but something was clicking between the two of you for her to get pregnant. Find out what it was, and see if it can be rekindled and built upon. Don't judge pregnant women by their behavior until at least a year after the birth of a baby. Their hormones are running rampant, and are all screwed up. They do and say things they will regret later. Give the two of you a break, by giving her a break, and taking a breather yourself. Talk to a counselor about your feelings. Women can say very hurtful things when they are pregnant, and not married. They are under a great strain. She may be one of these immature women who wanted to get pregnant to prove her status to other women ( as a mother.) I know that sounds nuts, but I have seen it often over 33 years of practicing law. Pops
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
If you are really unhappy and dont feel that you could live with your partner then break it off now. Make arrangements to see the baby regularly and support her throughout her pregnancy but its better to break it off now than breaking up a family a few years down the line.
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