| A ,
anonymous
writes: Im 32 years old, been married, but now divorced. I go clubbing every weekend, I live for the moment, and enjoy life to the full. I met last year, through another friend, this lad. we got on realy well, had the same thoughts on life, he loved music and got into Djing, which is a big passion in my life. He's been in a 3 year relationship with his girl friend but have now split. We have always got on so well, that our friendship has become stronger than any other friendship I've had. Then we started getting these feelings for each other, we started to cuddle when were loved up in a club, this started lasting longer and longer. After a few months of this I had to say something as I felt I was getting all the wrong signals from him. It was a shock, but he told me he had liked me from the first day we met. One year later he is now 18 and we have never had sex. I want to, but as I was abused at 14. I can totally repect him when he says he's still unsure about the sex part. He has told me time and time when I have been in doubt that he loves me, and hates it when we're not together. My closest frends now know as they picked up on this a while ago. I feel like a pervert because of his age but we just click. He has recently been chatted up by a girl, where I told him to go for it. It has hurt me so much seeing this but knew I could not be the one to make him decide. He wanted the sex part from her, for sure but he says he is still not ready to experiment with me. I havent totally seen him naked either. He always covers him self. We sleep together, and he loves me cuddling up with him at night.He's not as affectionate as I am, but when I back off because I feel he doesn't want it, he notices straight away and asks what's wrong. He says he loves the affection I give but he's just not as affectionate as I am.what should I do? Am I just kidding myself thinking he wants me? Or am I being paranoid of the whole situation? One thing is, we're still such good frends and get on so well. I feel closer to him in every way than I did with my wife or any girlfrend for that matter.
View related questions:
am I being paranoid, clubbing, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, becky05 +, writes (5 July 2005):
Sounds like neither of you are sure at the moment what you want. Stay friends for now and see where things lead ad if you feel comfortable talking about the subject, have a chat about your feelings. Hes probably wondering what you feel too.
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (19 June 2005):
 I feel so sorry for your problem since I see that you have been a victim of abuse before. In fact, I venture to say that because of the past abuse, you cannot trust your instincts right now. It is not uncommon for victims of abuse to become infatuated and fixated on someone who is the similar age and same gender of themselves when they were abused. This is not your fault. But is also is not healthy and is in a way, victimizing you again. Please try to think what you could be after here. What on earth could you have in common with him. He is just out of school, is just a boy still as you should know, not at the stage where he can be of any real support to you when you need it. It is not equal.That does not mean that he can never be the one for you but he has alot to work out and if you are part of the picture he will have a tough time. If you care about him you will have to pull away. If his family or if he begins to freak out about it, you will be seen as a pervert. Do you need that right now. He may have already been a victim of abuse since he is conflicted and seems to waffle between sexualities. I see a pattern here. Keep in mind, if you feel a bit perverted when you think about it, what do you think he might feel? Is that what you want him to think about when he thinks of you?Here is what you should do in my opinion. First, get support by seeking a therapist that specializes in sex abuse survival. They will not judge you and can help you find ways to divert your time and attention until it is easier. Seek out a SLA (sex/Love addiction) 12- step type group. Move away if possible or at least ensure you don't run into him for now. In a few years, you never know what can happen. But for right now, he seems to be more harmed by your love than not. His being with a female is proof that he is confused. Tell him honestly that you need some time to get yourself together and will be gone for awhile. Tell him you want only the best for him and that if he is unsure about what he feels sexually he should seek therapy too. Repeat to yourself he cannot yet decide to want me. And...I have good instincts... I can survive because I can read what is best to do for myself and those I love even when I really don't want to see it and when I even shouldn't be able to see it due to my past. And... The cycle stops with me... Not now, not- not ever....Then if you can make a visit to my neck of the woods (SF Calif.!) This is a place where a straight gal like myself must deal with the fact that millions of beautiful men every where you look are usually gay. Oh the shame!! :0Set him free so that when he is ready he can come back and he will never be able then to say you did anything wrong- only right. Real love is being able to sacrifice what you want if it MIGHT harm the one you love. If you try the above, and you see him in a few years and he is sure of himself then go for it...Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, Dear Kelly +, writes (19 June 2005):
Hmmm now this is confusing, at first reading this I thought you was a women writing in your question, It was only when i got to the end you mentioned about your wife, which i now realise you are actually a man.so, okay... Well from reading your post, you do not say what your sexuality is, and nor the 18 yr old lads sexuality either, from the looks of things his been in relationship with girls,as you have said, and never ever have experimented with a man,I take it? Which tells me, he's got confused feelings, confused as his young, and confused cos you have come such a close freind,and maybe giving out wrong signals,by being the main one that deals out all the effection, and if you say your sleeping in the same bed with him and just cudderling up, well i'm sure that would confuse anyone.I think perhaps you should back off a little, put a stop to all the affection and night time cuddles, cos it does actually sound like you would like more from him, and it does actually sound like all the time you are around him, is making him confused,...so perhpas backing off abit and let him find his own sexuality out for himself without a helping hand from you.If you love him and care for him, even as just a friend, then i dont think you should encourage him into making a mistake which he may regret.I am not saying your are a 'pervert' or doing anything wrong, but all i'm trying to say is, I do not think it's right either, and you did say you was abused as a child,(sorry to hear of that) and I think deep down inside you being abused in your past has got a effect on your current situation, which is also making you question yourself on the 'pervert' subject.I also do think the lad doesnt actually want you, maybe he has issues with parents, or didnt get much affection in his childhood? I do not know, but I think perhaps he is just needy of you cos perhaps you have been the only one thats ever showed him affection, and his lacking and 'needy' of that.Goodluck in future.
...............................
A
reader, pops +, writes (18 June 2005):
An 18 year old Boy is still a Boy. Move on. He's not ready for a relationship, and you are way too old for him. Find someone closer to your own age. pops
...............................
A
reader, D_Missy +, writes (18 June 2005):
From what it seems to be..he likes you. He's just a little unsure of it all right now. He's still seeing girls and just from that I can tell he's confused about his sexual orientation. Just move slowly but don't give up if you're really serious about him. Age is a big thing and if I wasn't so sure about your feelings towards him, I'd probably just sit here and shout at you. But you seem genuine. As long as you are being true, there is nothing wrong with it. You aren't taking advantage of him and care about him alot. The thing about sex that might scare him the most is the pain it brings to have the penis pushed up..that..shaft. I won't lie. I've tried it before to experiment and GOOOOD did it burn. If you want to have sex with him, you're going to have to make sure you DO NOT HURT HIM. Talk to him throughout the whole thing, don't let him think he's alone. I don't know if that makes sense. Good luck, though. I really hope the best for you and your..potential...lover!
...............................
|
