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anonymous
writes: How can get him to seriously grow up and move on to the next part? We have been together for 8 years, I bought a house and sold it. Now back at our parents', apart. He says he wants to wait to buy another house and that I am so impatient, because really I want to get married and havea family...most of the time. I'm confused and wonder sometimes I'm just wasting my time and holding onto broken promises. He has no responsibilites and relies on me to make all plans and such.Every time I try to talk to him he gets mad and avoids it all and says, well if you're not happy, leave. How can he say that after 8 years? Please somebody help me.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (20 June 2005):
 I understand how you must feel. He seems to want it his way which is the easiest way for him. He doesn't seem to care about your needs or feelings. And he doesn't seem to care about how this all feels to you. What a guy!
You seem to be financially independent. If that is true, begin to live your life as if you were broken up. You don't have to actually break up (at least yet,) but be there when he calls a little bit less. If that means you know when he will be stopping by, go for a drive or if he calls at a certain time, don't make yourself available.
If you can afford a home on your own, buy one if you want to. From now until he proposes, he gets no say in your life.
In fact, if there is a singles event in your area or a vacation you wanted to take, go for it. He needs to see that you really are serious.
He may be trying to break up with you and is too much a wimp to do it. That would be really a low blow. Or he may think that you are a push over and that he has all the power. No matter what it is, it is unhealthy!
YOu are not fertile forever and he is. Some believe that we will continue to find the partners that cause the same emotional problems. Has your past included any issues of abandonment or have you always had a problem getting your needs met? If yes, get to the bottom of that putting off any idea of family for a few months. Theoretically, if you get to the root of that problem, you will get to the root of what this guy is doing to you.
He is not necessarily evil, but so long as you allow him to control your future he will happily steal your hopes and dreams and likely move on to fulfill yours with someone else.
Research commitment phobia or emotional unavailability and do not- I repeat- do not move back in with him. If you already do live with him at your or his parents, try to move. Give yourself a date in the next month or so to silently take the relationship down a notch. During this time decide how much longer you can live like this and prepare to set a definate date that you know you could leave him for good. If you need get help with going through with it- do so.
He might get the fact that you mean too much to him to let go, or he might not care. Either way you win since if he gets it your validated and if he doesn't care you will be set free to start over with someone who does care.
If that happens- don't live with him. I think we sometimes learn the hard way that grandma was smart to not give the milk for free. Make him work for it and he will respect you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2005): I listened to a guest on the Oprah show talk about relationships & siutations similar to yours.He stated that if a guy REALLY loves you & wants to be with you, he will do anything & everything to make it work.When you express your hearts desire of marriage & children, TRUE LOVE would respond with care & tenderness.But your man responds with anger & threatens you with an ultimatum "if you don't like it...Leave."His answer speaks loud & clear..."he's NOT into you."Move on...8 years is WAY too long to hang around & wait for him to change his mind.If he TRULY wanted to marry you & have children, he would have done it by now.You are precious & deserve to be loved & cherished.There is someone out there who will ADORE you forever !I repeat...He's not into you.Life is too short to waste another 8 years...move on !
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2005): Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you want to get married and take your relationship to the next level. Ask him what he thinks. If he gets mad then I really think you need to think about your relationship. If he wants different things to you then it just isn't worth it. You're unhappy and you've got to let him know this.
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