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female
,
anonymous
writes: I met a man over the internet and we had an instant chemistry from the start. We decided to meet and the meeting was incredible! True chemistry. Soulmates for sure. Problem is this. There is quite a distance of states between us and he has a child. I have also learned that he cannot handle sadness or extreme happines without getting drunk. Possibly an alcohlic, he has addmitted to me. He has since asked me to walk out of his life. I know deep down this is not what he wants. What should I do? Do I try to help him, or respect his wishes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2005): Dear Rebecca and schlottl Thank you for your responses. Before I approached him with the question of what he wanted from me, (to remain in his life or walk) he did admit that he had intimacy issues resulting from something in his past. The closer (in deep talks) we would get sometimes he would pull away. Especially after we met. He called the other night to say that he missed me, but he was drunk then and admitted to me then he was an alcoholic. The next day he contacted me and said this wasn't fair to me and that I should walk. I know that his feelings run deep. I would like to help him, but feel that maybe his feelings are too much for him and that is leading to more of his drinking. In a way though I feel as though he was trying to reach out to me. Any additional advice from you or anyone would be helpful. I'm really torn. Should I be the friend that he may need, or just respect his wishes?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (30 June 2005):
 Don't walk- run! I say this from experience. Listen carefully- RUN- you CAN NOT help an alcoholic. If he admits he is one, please believe him. Keep in mind that it only goes down hill from there.
What he seems to be doing is stirring up drama and chaos in an effort to get you to feel sorry for him. That means he is looking for someone else to be the blame or to be the responsible enabler.
He plans to drag someone to the gutter with him. While in the gutter, he needs someone to make it possible for him to enjoy the muck and the insanity. That means someone to keep him looking good to the world while he destroys himself.
Not just anyone will do. Many will open to gutter door to let the world see how pathetic he has become. No, he needs someone willing to help. The more they "help" the longer they can be responsible. If he finds just the right woman, he can push her buttons so that she will become the ball and chain that makes him drink!
Not nice I realize, but there has never been a good result when the relationship is based on helping and fixing.
Please value your future and dump him. In fact, doing this is the only way you could help. So long as he free falls to his own personal bottom, nothing will help him but he, himself.
I'm so sorry but he is taken already- he is married to the booze and the manipulation.
Look into codependancy before you do anything with this guy!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (30 June 2005):
 Why does he want you to walk out of his life? Has he told you? This is what you need to find out first. Is it entirely because he may be an alcoholic? There are obviously other things in his life or things that have happened in the past that have made him that way.
You could suggest to him to seek help for his problems and you could be in the background, supporting him.
He should want to do this for himself. If, however, he isn't prepared to seek help, then you may find yourself having to walk out of his life. Being with someone who is an alcoholic is extremely difficult and heartbreaking.
If he doesn't want you to walk out of his life, then he should seek help to live a better life and you could encourage him to do this.
Good luck.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (30 June 2005):
Leave him, you wont be able to change his drinking habits and there is no evidence to suggest what he is like when he is intoxicated, he may be violent or nasty. Remain friends but dont enter into a relationship with this man.
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