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anonymous
writes: Hello, I need advice on my relationship with my boyfriend.We have been going out with each other for a while now, but there is this one thing that he does that makes me mad. He smokes and gets high mostly every day. I try to confront him and tell him that he needs to stop but he won't listen he tells me that he is going to keep doing it no matter what I say. I mean our relationship is great and our sex life is great but the only thing that isn't great is that I am worried about and I love him so much.What should I tell him that might want him to stop smoking and getting high?
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reader, kiwi +, writes (12 June 2005):
Man lil mama I know how you feel. I'm in the situation right now I've been with my man for 3 years and all he do is smoke weed every day all day. But I just had to deal with it becuz if you think about there is nothing wrong with smoking weed. It's not like it's gonn kill you or nothing. Now if he was sucking on them cancer sticks that's a totally diffrent story. so just deal with it, if you love like he say then you would. I did!!
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (7 June 2005):
 Tell him it's me or the weed. Most likely he will choose the weed so be prepared to leave. Are you so serious about this relationship with this guy that you are willing to marry and bear his children? I hope not, because the only thing this guy is serious about is getting high. I think it's better for you to end it now instead of waiting it out down the road when you are very involved (ie: children). And what kind of father do you think he'd make? Just a thought...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2005): I know what you're going through, I have that same problem with my g/f, she says she is trying to quit, but she has some weed on her today. The decision that you have to make is how bad does this bother you, if it is making you miserable than I think you should give him an ultimatim, say look, it's either quit smoking dope, or I'm leaving you. And if he still won't, then dump him, he's not worth the trouble. He will start sneaking it behind your back, and the trust will be gone. And tell him to get some help, it sounds like he has a problem.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (7 June 2005):
 I totally agree with Bev. He is an adult and just because you think something and believe your evidence is valid means absolutely nothing. I sooooo wish that my judgements were law and that I could save all from themselves or their addictions... But then again, what do I know and what if they did what I wanted and it backfired. Would it be my fault? My bro was gorgeous but began to gain weight very quickly after a bad break up. I worried after 100+ lbs that he would die young of heart disease, have a hard time being accepted and have trouble finding love again. I desperately wanted to help him. I was obsessed. He used to be at least as cute as Jonny Depp! But now he's more well hard to find under 300lbs!Then after a heartfelt talk and me helping for hours, off he went to find new and join the fitness club I had begged him to join (supposedly) ;)) He died enrout in a freak and horrible car accident. Not of a heart attack. but following my advice (maybe).He did not get acceptance from me and I wasted his whole last day in a not so loving lecture. I would do anything to change that. I now really hope he ignored me that day and was off to have fun and live life fully and with out stress from me or any feeling of failure. God I love him and my control that day did nothing but haunt me forever. Now- To all I love, take my advice with a grain of salt. Do what you do and I'll love you either way. When that was done for me, I was freed up and able to stop defending my self and had pleanty of time to deal with my own issues- particularly since no one else was taking responsibility for them. Go find a AlAnon or Narcanon group so you will be happy and free no matter what every other fool does! Or don't if you don't want to. I just think It is great to be free of the burden of impossible control or to feel responsible for that which you have no control. I could be wrong!!Take that or leave it, but please- just do what makes you happy! :pWho knows what happens next. You can only love and do your own thing.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 June 2005):
 The reason that he won't do what you say is that you don't control him. He knows that. And I daresay you know that too, at some level, though your approach toward him is more like that of someone who wants him to hop when you snap your fingers.Think back. Did he smoke when you first started going out? I bet he did. You accepted that about him at the time, so what's changed?Now, I'm just playing devil's advocate with you. I personally despise smoking of anything, but you need to look at this situation from his angle.He used to be able to smoke *and* have your affection. Now you want him to choose *between* the smoke and your affection. You can't change the rules like that and expect him to play along. Suddenly, you're "confronting" him about something that you've always known about, and he doesn't want to make a choice. In fact, if you give him an ultimatum -- continue to do what he likes or cave in to a girlfriend's demands that he stop doing something he likes -- I think you'll be disappointed by his choice.Your options are few: A. Issue an ultimatum. "Me or the weed!" If you do, be prepared for at least the possibility that you might run second in the race.B. Ignore it. He might grow out of it in a few years, or when he gets a "serious" job somewhere and needs all his faculties working all the time. Of course, he might not grow out of it, either. Still, think about what you know about his use. Does it affect him a lot? Does it make him a person you don't want to be around? Are his good qualities worth the trade off?C. Give him reasons why it would be great if he gave it up. Tell him the truth: he'd have more money to spend on cars/computer games/electronics/holidays/whatever. He'd have more energy and interest in doing things with friends and with you. His sexual style would improve (he may not realise what a bore sex with someone who's stoned can be), and you'd be more attracted to him, with the tantalising possibility of more frequent sex.You can think of a dozen reasons why his life would be better without dope, so instead of "confronting" him (why do you have to be confrontational anyway?) make gentle suggestions that his life will be more attractive without it. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, etc.In the end, it's up to him to give it up or not. You then choose, based on his decision, what you can tolerate. Just try to make the alternative more appealing than the present arrangement.Good luck.
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