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anonymous
writes: I really like this guy and he likes me. We dont live that far away but he has a 3 year old daughter. I cant decide if I get this this guy that I will be accepted. I have always wanted a baby but this wont be mine and she may find it hard for a new women in her daddy's life. Reply to this Question
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reader, becky05 +, writes (29 June 2005):
At 3 years old, she probably wont fully understand. If you introduce yourself gradually, perhaps on day trips rather than in the house she should come round rather quickly, also its a good idea for her to just call you by your first name (not auntie ... etc)
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (29 June 2005):
 Don't get to far ahead of yourself with worry. If you start to date the guy he should wait until you both know that you will be around for the long term. I am afraid more that she will love you and then you break up. That teaches a girl not to trust.
If you have met already, suggest that your relationship in front of her be friends only. This will mean she thinks of you as one of Daddy's friends and will take the pressure off the relationship.
If she sees you as encouraging his commitment to her first then to others, she will be more likely to see you as an ally and not competition for Daddy's love.
Just take it real slow and remember that if you encourage their relationship both of them will be more at ease and thankful for you being in their lives. The other thing that really works is to only speak positively of her mom. If she is abusive, still never criticize her. In that case you can ask her about her feelings and realize that only Dad can help. If she is irritating, put yourself in her shoes. The dream is over and most women are irritating at the end of relationships (I say this as a woman!)
If you be friends first and only until she believes it and is ready for more, you will have spun gold!
My child is encouraging of his dad and I moving on and was actually wanting me to help set him up so he could have love too! Now that his dad is exclusive with someone, I do what ever I can to see her as doing her best. Now, with 4 parents, my son complains about one of us but never gets far. He complains less knowing that over the past 5 years we worked out the problems and will back each other up.
That should be the goal of any step mate too. The bonus mom has a unique opportunity to be the most objective and not let the problems bog down the relationship.
So in short be an advocate for the daughter and the mom, even if they are upset you are around and eventually you will be happy you did. You don't have a child yet, but if you were a single mom with an involved ex, that is the type of woman you could only hope for. If you were the daughter you know that if her mom is upset about you, she will not feel like she is allowed to trust you- even if she wanted to.
If you face bad attitudes then, patience must be your priority. She could be testing to see if Mommy was right about you, or testing to see if Daddy will leave you too. Just keep in mind you are the adult.
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