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male
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anonymous
writes: Very Confused. I have been married for 5 1/2 years and have also been seeing another woman whom I fell in love with. I have sex with her, but not with my wife. My wife is a wonderful caring person. She gained weight and I no longer find her attractive. She is native american and I am not. Her culture is very different. She is bright, honest and a Christian. I have only had sex with my wife once in the past year. The other woman lives 400 miles away and I only have had sex with her twice in the past year. We have a beautiful home, our finances are great, but I just do not feel happy. When you're in love you hold each other, kiss, snuggle in bed etc. I do not do any of that. Looking to move out to an apartment, then not knowing what to do. The woman I have been seeing had a baby last October from another man, I knew about the relationship as she told me about it, due to me not been able to make a decision about leaving my wife. Now the other woman still wants me. What should I do!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): The handwriting is on the wall, Sex does not make the world go round. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, Your lover already had a child by another man, you must like sharing? What do you think your wife would do if you gained weight and didn't look attractive to her anymore? Remember your marriage vows? For richer, for poorer, in sickness and health? so if it wasn't your wifes weight, it would be some other excuse for you to have an affair. What is true love? True love is loving someone, no matter what their faults are. You just want what you want! That is being selfish! And by the way, anything but human, could not be typing this! Im a 77 old woman and I know what I'm talking about!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): I read your email and feeling your confusion. I am the wife who was just told that I am not attractive to my husband any more. I do not really know what that means yet.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): MY GOODNESS... everyone is so quick to point fingers. Forget about your opinions of whether what he is doing is right or wrong. Let's answer the REAL question...
"How do you become attracted to your wife again?"
The real problem is that your wife hasn't and doesn't do the things for you that make you feel loved. Therefore, you are unfulfilled and look elsewhere. These things are different for everyone, but with men it is usually physical touch/attraction. That is a big part of it, sorry if some of the women on here don't want to admit that. I'm a Christian as well, but that's just the truth.
Guys are sexual, physical beings... and this MUST BE ADDRESSED to make a marriage fulfilled. Women tend to like to be romanced and will give up sex to be romanced, guys will tend to romance to get to the sex.
How do you get attracted again? Tell your wife. It will hurt her, but if it's going to get better it HAS to be addressed. Tell her that you aren't attracted anymore to her because of the reasons you have and be 100% honest and to the point.
THEN, HOWEVER, turn it around and ask HER what you can do for her to make her 110% happier with you... and do those. You both must commit to making the changes.
Everyday when you come home from work and see each other, spend 20-30 minutes alone time just taking care of these important matters... that could mean a quickie in bed, talking to her about her problems that day, etc, but give 100% of your undivided attention during this time, and she needs to do the same.
If she's overweight and it bothers you, she must commit immediately to changing this, and the same with you if you are overweight.
Attraction and sexuality is possibly one of the most important things for a long fulfilled marriage.
hope that helps!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): I am so damn tired of women bagging on the guy for not being attracted to his wife. If one of these same women married a hard working guy that made pretty good money, and then a few years he let himself become a lazy slob that couldn't hold a job or make house/car payments, then these same women would be looking for a way out. Take a step from your moral high ground down into the realm of human reality, and in that reality you'll find men AND women who cheat for basically the same reason; they no longer feel deeply in love with the person they are with. Cheating is not the end of the world. We have a promise that we will deny our biology and remain monogamous, but when we fall out of love, our needs to love and be love are no longer met. We are social animals, and we need sex like we need food, water, exercise, friends, etc. Expecting a human to go without sex for too long is unreasonable. It's a part of human nature, and it's the reason that prostitution has been around for so many thousands of years.Look guy, I have been in this spot. I'm 29 and my wife and I have been together for 12 years. There is only one reason why I stay married, and it's so I will stay with my wife. I know it sounds obvious, but that is what marriage is about. You fall in and out of love many times throughout your marriage, but it is the marriage (or your word) that keeps you by her side. You made a mistake, and mistakes happen. Talk to your wife about everything. EVERYTHING! If your marriage can't handle the truth, then it's not worth nursing back to some kind of pseudo health. Tell her about your cheating, tell her about your loss of attraction, tell her that you still love her (if you do), tell her that you want to work on both of your problems, and that includes her fat ass and your dishonesty. Either that, or get a divorce, because in reality, it comes down to stay or go.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2007): first off - you should not be cheating on your wife. that is very poor form and demonstrate a lack of self control.
second - all you women who are on here blasting the poor guy for not being attracted to his wife because she is fat need to wake up and smell the coffee! whether you like it or not, physical attraction is a big part of any sexual relationship. if a man marrys you and you proceed to gain 40 pounds that is just as dishonest as his infidelity. it is one thing to marry a fat woman, but entirely another to marry a trim woman and have her fatten up after the fact.
i don't know how to deal with this situation either dude. has anyone here ever tried to talk to a woman about her weight? they just get mad and start screaming and it makes the whole situation worse. this seems like a big problem with a lot of marriages. someone should write a book.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): My what a mess you have made. You have betrayed your wife, and show her no love or affection, so she's likely miserable and has likely gained weight because of it. You are not there for her. The other woman is in love with you, yet, you are not there for her either - so now she has turned to another man, had a child with him, and yet you still stand in the way of this family because her heart lies with you. You are unhappy, living a lie, staying where you are comfortable because you are too cowardly to make a choice or be "the bad guy". You are not there for yourself.
What you should do is grow a spine, be a man and get out of both of these women's lives. Let your wife find someone who truly loves her, let your lover forget you so that she can find love and happiness with the father of her child. Get your own apartment, learn how to be honest with yourself and others, grow up and then maybe - maybe - you will be ready to deserve a woman's true love again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007): Dearest confused soul,
I'm absolutely stunned with the lightness with which you talk about your situation. Are you a walking living joke or something. Please realise that your wife is a real live person. She is not a doll or the object onto which you can pour out your rejection.
Find a kind and loving way to speak to your wife about her weight telling her that it would please you if she lost some weight. Help her,because she is going through hell. No wife is completely blind to her husbands roving eye. Love your wife and stick to her come hell or high water. Never forget that a beautiful woman is a REAL GEM, a good woman is a WHOLE TREASURE. These words are not mine they were spoken by Napoleon Bonaparte who as emperor had more money, more women and upon his death more wisdom than most other men.
This other woman - already with somebody elses baby - come on, wake up!!!! Hope you wake up and make amends with your wife, otherwise I think you're in for a long life of suffering. Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I am the other woman who really did fall in love with a married man. We met when I was his call girl and met him for an appointment. I got out of the biz, became a Christian and completely changed my life because of his positive influence. Now, he is having a hard time leaving his wife when he said over a year ago that was what he was doing.
Everyone want to blame the other woman all the time it seems. I opened up to this man because I thought he was safe in that he was married and therefore unavailable. That opening up of myself and him doing the same resulted in a deep love that now is threatened by his commitment to his marriage because of a myriad of really superficial reasons. This is his third marriage he is in right now.
Love is a mysterious thing and God's ways are not our ways. Pray that you are granted wisdom and seek to do God's will and He will nudge you in the right direction. Listen for that still small voice and follow it. Ignore the one screaming!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): If you are totally honest with yourself you realize that we as humans behave quite differently from what society deems "normal." For instance, contrary to laws we love to take drugs, (including plenty of "legal" drugs alchohol, caffine nicotine, tylenol, prescriptions, spplements, etc...). We help sex businesses thrive throughout the world. We sit bored in churches with the growing suspicion that God is imaginary (or else we'd be too terrified of Hell to sin). And we know, deep down, that Love has a mind of its own. Here is my advice my friend: Where love goes should you go. If you are totally honest with yourself and no longer wish to be with your wife, go ahead and leave. There will be no great Karma rising to greet you, just the rest of your life as you choose to live it. Have the courage to be true to yourself and your life, and those people you influence, will be fuller.
I have been fascinated by this discuission for awhile, discovering it upon doing my own search on this very topic. Yes, I too find myself infatuated with another woman after 12 years of marriage. Though we haven't slept together we are "in love." But I choose to stay with my wife, becuase I love her, very much, and I love our three kids and our life together. I am working on adding more sexual spice to our marriage. But I remain open to love in this world, because without love--the love of your spouse, your friends, your family, even an outside romantic interest, it's all the same: strong feelings of affection. Don't be afraid of your own nature. Don't be afraid to love. And whatever you do, don't tell your spouse about your feelings of love for others. It's just none of their business. It's yours.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): I feel much of the same way about my husband, great guy but just not "doing" it for me. This life is all we are given, it's you're job to make the most out of it and make yourself happy for the short time we are here for. Not to make others comfortable. Do what motivates your heart. And just know that even if you stay someone is still getting hurt. It's not the easy way out. There is no easy way out. But there should be a little light at the end of your tunnel. You should give yourself that light wahtever you choose.
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female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (14 June 2007):
You absolutely repel me...you don't find your wife attractive because she is 'First Nation/Aborginal' and has gained weight and is very Christian? So what? What is wrong with being perhaps a bit overweight, respecting your culture and believing in a religion? You judge her on her choices and yet hers are way more respectful and of value than your egotistical, self-centered rant...
What sort of person are you? Take a long hard look in the mirror buddy. You absolutely disgust me.
By the way I am white, not of aborginal descent and people like you make me feel sick. Grow up you jerk and give this lady (and she is a lady, your wife) something she deserves, and it isn't you!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): Poor guy, I feel the same but have no other woman yet; I guess this happens to all married people, some times you wake up and find you were living all life with another person, in my case, I am no longer atracted to my wife, I do not longer feel love for her because of her temper, some days she is happy, other days she will be sad but most of the time she is grumpy; It seems like nothing I do is right for her; she is not jealeous and I have not cheated on her for a long, (I am not planning to do it, even if there is a chance); somebody told me once: Marriage is not love, marriage is compromise made in God´s presence; I have 7 kids! Can you believe!! They are the real glue in this home.!
May God help you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): I dont think you should really be with either woman... From the sounds of things you do sound like you should not be in a realationship at the moment since you are so uncertain about what you want... and stringing on both these women who deserve better is not doing any favours to them... If you really not happy with the relationship with your wife stop being a coward by cheating on her and avioding the issue and actually talk to ther about it... If you dont want to be in the relationship it is best for you both that it ends so that she can find someone that really wants to be with her and so that you can find whatever it is that you want... It may not be easy but I think its the best thinkg to do...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2006): I agree that if you really feel that you can never love her again the way a wonderful woman should be loved, then you need to leave so that she may find someone who can. But don't be too hasty. If weight is the issue, that is something that can be changed, and maybe she only needs your encouragement to get going. I think I really know how you feel. Both my spouse and I have had many weight fluctuations throughout our relationship. It is difficult to be attracted to the person in that situation, but we have gone through them to feeling attracted to each other again and glad to have stayed in the relationship. Things can get better, people can become more attractive, but you have to really evaluate whether you want to make this decision. What is your philosophy of life? What do you want to accomplish? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want people to remember you? This other woman seems attractive to you now, and yet, if you lived with her for five years, you may be ready to leave. Then what, leave her for another woman, and so on and so on, accumulating divorces? You need to get yourself a journal and write out your thoughts, what you really feel, be honest with yourself, even make lists of the pros and cons of leaving, whatever you need to do to get some clarity on the matter. Just think this through, this is your life and your wifes. Whatever you do, treat her with respect.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2006): the man is not attracted to his wife,does anyone listen, how do you get the physical attraction back? Let readers answer that!has anybody helped him I think not.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2006): Same story here, man, except no other woman. My wife stopped being attractive not long after we started dating. We've been together now for about 18 years, and I haven't been physically attracted to her for about 17 of that, but she's a great person other than that. I love her, tho, and we have two children (15 & 13). I just try to keep making time so we can both work out and be attractive again. I also work a VERY stressful job; the money is really good, but it's kind of a trap, because it doesn't allow for either of us to work out. It gets very depressing. I live for the day I can get end our crazy schedules and work out and be attractive again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2005): It is very common for men no longer attracted to their partners to begin to have sexual difficulties when then do attempt to have sex with that partner. You didn't mention whether you were having and sexual dysfunction with her but I suspect that's the case. Men are visual creatures when it comes to sex and if the women in their lives don't keep thmselves sexually attractive then it is natural for men to turn to other sources. However few make such a drastic move
as sleeping with another woman, especially if children are in the mix. If there is anyway to hang on try to do it. Do what most men in this situation do, Download some orn videos and masturbate. It will be less stressful both for you and your partner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2005): You are a loser, divorce your wife she deserves much better!
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reader, Matt,20 +, writes (7 July 2005):
Hi, I might be a bit too young to answer you Mr, but surely have an Idea that can make you see a bt more wide here,First of all, you have been sleeping with another person ? Defenetely that's wrong, and I will tell you that you don't have any, ANY excuse for sleeping with other woman except you wife. I would like you to know that is my point of you regarding sleeping with other woman.Now, What I can see is that you need SEX, a sexy wife to have a happy marrige ? ... if that so, then defentely I reccomend you Mr some proffesional help, but on the other hand, regarding the fact that you need a kiss, hug etc... I totally agree with you, even when married, things shouldn't change at all regarding this like that. I believe that You have childrens, if so, How do you feel about everything on how it will affect you children/s ?If you don't have, please ignore this paragraph.I beleive that your wife defenetely does not know how you feel about her and the marrige ? right.. if not, what are you waiting for to discuss all this with her.Another question that I have for you is, If this woman that you have ( the one 400 miles away ) is so " perfect " to your needs, don't you think that if you get married she will also gain weight ? , change moods ? everything can be the same, just because everything may be so " fresh " it all seems perfect, but there is five years in between this other woman and you wife ! take that into consideration.The religion was there all the time since marrige I believe, why worrying now about it ? If you love someone, religion is the last one to check on your list. Please do not use that as an excuse. You seem very confused, on the one hand you see everything beautiful, caring wife, but on the other you seem like " I need that bit to be happy ". Keep your wife, no matter where is from, how she looks, what she does ... all those things can be gained... just talk with her and you will get through, you will see, but I would like to warn you, if your wife finds out that you had/have a lover or other woman in your life, and let's suppoe she doesn't know ( your wife ) things can be pretty hectic, and that can be your door for exit the relationship.Be careful, one last question...Are you willing to throw away 5 years of you life for a woman that seems to be the right size for you and gives you what makes you happy for the lady that married you and is willing to spend the rest of your life in no matter which way ? Matt,20.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (6 July 2005):
 Never give women outside your marriage a second glance. They always appear better than even they are. You only get an idealized version. The version you wish for first and the one she wishes she were second. Talk about impossible odds!
You vowed to remainfaithful in good times and in bad. So much for your word.
What have you done for your wife lately? Even IF she did not deserve it. Even if she has lost her shine. A shine by the way that goes away due most often to stresses, like your husband being a racist cad, and unfaithful, liar.
Now before I give you an excuse to leave, realize that between her weight or your unfaithfulness, which is worse?
How do you survive without attraction? Rebuild your love and the rest will follow. You seem to think love is a rush feeling not a verb. Here is an awesome formula that will always work (eventually), and will work even if only one of you changes.
Here is the Outline:
1- remember your love in the beginning
what did you do where did you go. Fanticize back to then
2- return to your wife closing all exits
For at least 6 weeks determine to shove all thoughts of leaving away. Determine to not entertain any thought of anyone else but your wife.
3- act as if
You love her, she is the hotted chick alive, you are lucky, all men want her, you can't get enough of her. I don't care if you have to take a drama class to be believable.
4- Idealize your future-
Think of what you want as an ideal future. Where will you and your wife live, what will you do?...
5- plan that Ideal
short term- this next week or month, med- this year, & long term before you die. They shoudld be easily attained and at the same time forcing your to stretch a little bit. They all short and med term should be done to work towards the long term goals and they need to be attainable goals.
Do not look at what others might be like. You can never ever know that. It is the concept of opportunity costs in economics.
If you go to buy a car and have a choice between a truck and a sedan. You must choose one. Eventually, you'll need to hall something and eventually you'll need to drive somewhere far. Gas prices rising....
Eventually, no matter what you choose, you will have lost the value of what the other choices had to offer. Mourn that and know your wife does too.
Real love is beyond the problem. When you come back from something like this, that is when you get a glimse of real love. It cannot be found by constantly starting over. It is only found by sticking to your word and if you have to, fake it till you make it. Eventually, the feelings will follow. You will be amazed at how quickly all the old feelings come rushing back. That is when commitment is worth it!
Get into therapy, even if it is self help. You are missing the best love has to offer. But your attraction to the distance the other relationship has to offer is very troubling to your future sucess in finding happiness. Recovery from a fear of commitment and emotional unavailability should be your goal until then. But, blaming every one else, you won't realize it till a lot of people have been destroyed.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
Forget this other woman and start paying more attention to your wife. Does your wife know about your 'other woman'? I suspect not.If you feel that you really arent compatible and cant make a go of things with your wife, then do the decent thing and end it but dont go running into the arms of this other woman as it doesnt sound like you are capable of being in a commited relationship at the moment.
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (6 July 2005):
You must have been dealing with these cultural differences the whole time you were married and dating, so why are they a problem now? I suspect that you are looking for ways to justify your affair. Respect your wife and lose the mistress. Tell her how you feel. She may be feeling unnatractive at the moment and needs some reassurance just as much as you do.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 July 2005):
 You haven't been entirely fair on either woman. You have been dishonest with your wife who you should have respected enough to be truthful about what has been going on and how you feel. Additionally, the other woman simply became the other woman while you tried to make up your mind what to do.
Why have you stayed with your wife when you feel it won't work and that you don't love her? Because of the stable life? Because you are financially secure?
Did you ever consider couples counselling? Have you and your wife ever discussed your problems?
Only you can decide what to do. What do you want to do? Do you wish to be with the other woman? It seems to me that if you really loved her you would have gone to her before and stayed with her.
I think you need to be honest with your wife and tell her how unhappy you are and consider moving out, not necessarily to be with the other woman but to spend some time on your own figuring out what you really want. Do this for yourself and the two women that you are involved with.
Good luck.
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female
reader, liligray +, writes (6 July 2005):
You have treated this bright, honest woman with no respect. How do you think she will feel when she discovers you have betrayed her? Not only are you mucking about your wife but also this other woman, she now has a child with a different man, is there really much of a future? Stop complaining that there is no love or affection in your marriage and do something about it. It is in your hands as you are the one who has cheated. Show this woman affection, take her on dates again and just maybe you will see that spark you once had. By the sounds of it she deserves none of this. If you dont think it will ever work, move out and leave her, it will break her heart but she will recover and will be able to find a man worth her love.
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