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anonymous
writes: My b/f 35 and I'm 33. At one time he was talking with girls on line and he was even calling them up and he also looked at porn all the time.He told me would stop and I thought he did but I found out he has been chatting with them again,and still looking at porn. He tells me it is nothing that it's just that I don't trust him, making it like I'm the bad person.I love him. He's a good man. We've been together for 5 years but he can't stop looking at other women. He is very callous and insensitive. I just want him to respect me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Who cares people come oand go and wanking is what men do more than anything else,and women well they are just irrelevant because they all want what the other has and they dont care how they get it. Then when they have it they screw the guys head up ,so stick with porn and the affirs guys and whatever,have a great life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): Like many men I am addicted to pornography - specifically online porn. It was only when I confronted this that I realized that I had been sexually abused by a family member. I am not saying that everyone who does this has the same history as me but there is an underlying problem if someone can not control their online viewing of porn.
For me it has taken two years of weekly counseling, studying, reading and personal reflection and I am just now beginning to get a handle on it. Some of the additction can be a physical reaction to the chemicals/hormones produced when the body is sexually aroused. But there is so much more to it than just that.
Everyone in my family had some type of addiction - drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and I always felt like I was the lucky one that had none of these until I realized I was addicted to porn.
I am not saying that people should be excused or let off the hook - but there is probably an underlying reason that they behave this way and I can say from experience that they are powerless to stop without TONS of help and understanding.
My wife had caught me a number of times and told me to stop - and I thought I was the lowest person on earth for telling her that I would and then not stopping. It wasnt until she told me to get help that I started to realize that it was a much bigger problem than I could handle - til that momment I thought I could make myself stop.
Just my two cents.
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female
reader, joodblu  +, writes (4 October 2007):
Let me know what has developed since you've posted this. I'm having a likely story case here, 26 he 33 I am pregnant , almost ready to have the baby and my boyfriend has pretty much been doing this since day 1, I found his "stash" just recently , and this has been the worst time of my life , along with just moving to another state , I found some stuff on his external hard drive, some pics were of another girl, and some were of him masturbating, some home video clips of this act as well.And the rest ( wich had been in his cd holder case the whole time) out here just a few days ago, my heart is heavy , I don't know what to do , I can't talk to him either, he likes to turn it around on me too.Before getting pregnant we got in a fight because of his temper, and how he disrespects me , and I was talking to an old friend, my old friend wanted to talk dirty , i stopped him because i love my boyfriend , and even though we were broken up, it was acouple of days and we lived in the same house, it would'nt of been easy to move on so quickly. Any way he brings that up, and amplifies it to his defense, and I mean I come home from work and the web cam was obviously being used and he blows up if I lightly mention the change of it's position, the pictures I found showed OUR bed and OUR shower It hurts so bad but I'm this far along and I'm not sure what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): I agree with you totally. My husband does the same thing. I have actually found phone numbers and called these ladies. I have only had 2 that wont stop talking to him. I dont understand why he does it. He tells me that its just talking. Well its not just talking when these ladies think that he is actually gonna go meet them. Thats my next worry. I dont know what he does during the day. Im at work. I just wish that he would stop and look at our kids and realize what he has. But i dont think he will. My husband is 31 and im 30. I dont know what to do. I heard that there is some kind of spyware that you can put on your computer. Well im really thinking about doing that. Just to see what he says when i have everything right in his face. Im about ready to leave because i cant handle it. I do love him very much but im not gonna keep putting up with it either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): I would also go along with the first response. I have been getting to know someone in my state from online whose intentions I thought I knew. However, I also feel that this person has divided his interest for me by also "playing the field" online with others. If that was the intention of the relationship then he either misrepresented himself and is not really serious about a stable relationship or he isn't willing enough to give me the respect and honesty that goes along with building something of value.
If your boyfriend's intentions were caring, he would consider your hurt and examine himself to see where his goals lie, and be forthcoming enough to tell you that he is not interested in anything serious. Also, if he values you and what you both have built thus far, he would be honest with you about his behavior and what causes him to continue it -- whether he is the type who needs affirmations or an ego boost from many different types of women, whether he is looking for intimate gratification that is not committal on his part or whatever other satisfaction he seeks. You may not be in a commitment to eachother but, regardless, from the standpoint of relationship value, a person who is willingly hurtful and easily enticed by other women is less than what you deserve.
I gave an honest decree of my feelings in my situation and let this person be aware that if he felt the need to seek out others or whatever the case may be, that he should continue to seek what would suit him. That was quite a painful statement in view of the emotional interest that was building, since I also thought he was someone with much potential and I valued our friendship. To my surprise, it has given a different slant to our dealings. He seems to respect me more now in knowing I have analyzed his behavior accurately and seems to give invest less interest in other temptations.
Although the infraction has changed my feelings about him somewhat, I also understand that people may not consider the feelings of others in their behaviors, since we are all fallible. I still respect his achievements and his ideas and enjoy knowing about his life. That is the foundation of emotional intimacy that is at the core of a good prospect -- to be able to relate to eachother honestly.
I do not envy your situation. I hope that you will come to an amiable resolution and that your understanding will guide you to do what is right for yourself. Best wishes to you. May you always be guided by truth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): I think if you have asked him to stop this in the past and he doesn't do anything about it and continues to chat with other women and look at porn, he is not respecting you at all. I think you need to dump this guy and move on and find you someone that will love you and respect you and will not degrade you like he does.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (1 July 2005):
Tell him firmly that this must STOP! If he ignores your wishes, you will have to make him decide between you and chatting with these strangers on the internet. here may have been no harm in his chatting but he should NOT be calling girls up when hes with you. Alternatively, cancel the internet subscription.
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reader, schlottjl +, writes (19 June 2005):
 I agree with communicatrix- In fact, men almost universally look at porn. But I am not sure if I gathered your meaning correctly when you say that he chats. Porn pictures and movies are one thing, if he is chatting or having phone sex, that is cheating. I personally could not abide my man spending any time sexually with another person even if they had not met. If that is the case, be very careful. This is how sexual addictions begin.Normal- looking at naked mags, movies, strip clubs...Not- actual contact with another person for the purpose of sexual fulfillment.One clear warning, that if he does it again the trust is gone and it is over, along with couples counceling and possibly SLA (sex and love AA or any other similar group) should be the only way back into your heart. If he refuses, I am sorry to say he is not the guy you need to be around. People who step up the porn to the one on one level have entered a new world where they will have to increase the kinky in order to get off. that is where the downward spiral for the addict and anyone who loves him begins. The only thing then that you could do is ensure he hits bottom asap. Make sure you follow through with the consequences if he should slip. If you already laid them out, it is time to go. Only if he wants the help and show a pattern of sticking with it, will he be worthy of you.I'm so sorry, good luck.
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reader, Dr. Mephisto  +, writes (19 June 2005):
 At the end of the day - this is a problem. Your boyfriend won't admit to himself that he has a problem yet alone admit it to you. The best thing you can do is confront him about his perverse curiousity and ask for an explanation. If he continues to raise barriers then insist to inspect the history records and cookie files of the computer. Every time you surf the internet the internet leaves traces of itself on your system so that you can be better served by the website - apparently. If he has nothing to hide he should have no problem with this. Check what he's been visiting and try to gauge for yourself what it is he appears to want from the site (this can be judged by assessing layout, graphics and content). By looking at the kind of sites visited you can begin to paint a picture of what it is he's looking for so earnestly that you can't offer him - as what he's doing is ultimately caused by him wanting something that he thinks you probably won't be cool with; ergo: threesomes, bondage, etcAs concerns the calls to online girlfriends - this is totally unacceptable - if you're in a monogomous relationship then that means that you can't go around phoning members of the opposite sex whenever you feel like it to flirt.Bottom line - even if he isn't cheating on you physically he's doing it mentally. You need to find out what it is he needs to stop this; maybe a frank and open discussion of your lusts and secret desires would be in order? However it must be made clear that if he continues to lie to himself and you then you two must go your separate ways.Best wishes and peace with the world.Dr. M
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (18 June 2005):
 Look, I've got nothing against porn. I don't have anything against people who like porn any more than I do people who don't like porn. I think people can be in healthy relationships where everyone, one person or no one looks at porn.
What I don't think is that you can have a healthy relationship where one person really doesn't like porn to the extent that she's asked her partner not to look at it because it really upsets her and this partner agrees to this and then breaks a promise and lies by looking at it behind her back. And I really really really don't like it if this person, when caught in a lie, then turns around and puts the blame on his girlfriend by telling her she's wrong for feeling what she feels.
From where I sit, I don't think you have yourself a good man, but that almost doesn't matter. You have yourself the wrong man: the right man for you will not look at porn, not call or chat online with other women and above all, will respect you enough not to lie to your face and then call you crazy.
I don't have a crystal ball, but if past behavior is any indication (and it usually is, without extraordinary measures taken to overcome it) I don't think your man is going to stop looking at other women. I don't think you're ever going to feel respected in this relationship. There is certainly nothing you can say or do to get him to change. An ultimatum might get him to change for a bit, but I'm guessing (again, based on past behavior) that he'll slide back into his old habits when the coast is clear.
The only thing that's in your control is your behavior, and I think it's time you started examining that. Why are you five years into a relationship with someone who's not giving you the fundamental things you want? What about you needs "love" so badly that you're willing to tolerate humiliation and disrespect in exchange for it? And are you really so sure (because I'm not) that what you feel is love? Could it be something more like attachment? Could it be fear of being alone, or of finding out that what you're asking for in a partner is too much and it doesn't exist anywhere?
If, upon honest and lengthy and deep reflection, you still believe that fundamentally, this is the person for you and this love is worth fighting for, you might try one last heartfelt conversation with your partner. Explain your feelings simply and without blame. Tell him you love him but you don't love this behavior and you can't be in a relationship with someone who behaves this way (and explain ALL of the behavior: the porn-watching, the secret emailing AND the lying and being talked down to).
Then tell him if he wants to stay in the relationship with you, he will have to go to couples counseling and talk about this with an impartial third party. Tell him it's a dealbreaker—the whole ball of wax.
Then you stay and everyone starts working on this relationship...or you go, and you work on getting yourself ready for the right kind of relationship to find you.
Good luck.
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