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anonymous
writes: I dont know what to do. I have a 14 month old with my partner but I am seeing someone else who I love. I can't leave my partner though because I need his support financially and to be a dad to his son. What shall I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): First how old are you? and how long have you loved another? seems to me the affair started before you got pregnant otherwise I dont see how you could meet someone else so soon. Obviously you have to do what is right for you regardless of the consequences relating to your child. Your partner has a right to be set free and the sooner the better for all three of you. Your child will adapt, better now when they do not understand. Be gentle when telling your partner and word it so he is not to blame eg, "this relationship is not working for me", I am not happy I need to move on with my life etc etc. Financially you can get help and manage on your own if that is what you want to do. Dont move in with the man you love bad mistake, have precious time to yourself and your child. you can make it work.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): you sound like you could be living for the moment here, what if you love this guy then 3 months down the line realise you made the worst choice possible. how well and for how long have u known this guy?? your not just playing with your future here, your playing with your baby's future too. be sensible, personally i'd leave this guy well alone for now, tell him your cooling it off then in a few months when youve had time to analize things choose which you will be happiest with!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2005): I am in a similar situation as we speak. I have been with my husband for 16 years, we don;t fight and we get along great. I'm not sure that i love him like i used to. I started having an affair (was supposed to be JUST SEX) with the divorced father of my ten year olds friend. We as a group would do alot of things together, movies, dinner, swimming, playground, ect. I couldn;t leave my husband for this guy. Things started getting really complicated, i started to fall in love, but this guy didn;t. He knew my feelings and ended the relationship. It has made me a stronger person and i have fallen in love with my husband all over again. Although he never found out, it could have destroyed alot of lives. I didn;t want to change my "lifestyle" but i wanted to be with the other man also.You have to really put some thought into whether or not, the grass is greener on the other side. I don;t recommend you stay with your boyfriend for the sake of your son, but i do believe that you should reassess your situation. When my affair ended, i was very hurt, i was depressed, i felt used and cried alot. I had to put on the fake happy face for all of the people around me. Its the hardest thing i ever had to do. But we remain friends for the sake of our childrens friendships and are reminded to remember the good times we shared, instead of ending it in a way that our children would never be able to play together as a group. I love this guy with all my heart and i wish him the best in his life, but i love my husband and my family more. I couldn;t imagine starting life all over again. Remember, the grass may not be greener on the other side.
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reader, kiwi +, writes (31 May 2005):
First off YOU NEED TO GET A JOB!!!! How you just gone do that to him?. Second,you should be embarrassed for writing and asking that question. And you say you want him to be a father to his child yeah he can but you don't have to live there and constantly use him like that. THIRD,GIRL YOU NEED TO GROW UP!!!!!!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (30 May 2005):
 Morally, what you are doing is wrong. You are cheating on your partner, the father to your son and this isn't fair on him. Is he at all aware of what you are doing? Essentially, you are using him for money and suppport.What about the other chap? Is he aware of what you are doing? What does he say? Does he want you to leave him? Does he want you to be with him permanently? You need the answers to all these questions. However, I feel you should leave your present partner anyway because he will find out eventually and this will be so unpleasent for all of you including your little boy.He will have to pay towards the upbringing of your son as well as have visiting rights to him.If you want to set a good example to your son and have him in a stable environment, then either stop what you are doing with this other guy and try to make it work with your partner or leave and perhaps set up on your own. Unfortunately, you can't have your cake and eat it.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (30 May 2005):
 I would cool your heels a bit. What kind of person do you want to be, what kind of mom? You will harm your son if you so quickly jump from one man to another. You clearly don't know what you want and seem to be searching for something no new guy can give you. You should not use the dad while sleeping around. That is hurtful and could backfire. Bev is right; in most areas financial suport is not linked to you prostituting yourself! But in Calif. where I live he would get automatic equal custody and you would have to pay half too- that is if you kept your extra relational activities secret. So talk to a lawyer, but keep in mind that the father could become hurt enough to go for the injury by trying to make you out to be unstable and unfit. Many believe that other men run much higher risks of being bad/abusive for your son. The theory goes that a non father cannot understand the love for a son unless it is his son. That doesn't make him bad- just human- and not dad. Tell the other guy that you need a bit of time to get your affairs together and that you are into him. But also tell him you must act respectfully to your current partner. If he is the "one", he will wait. And if you then do get together later, he will be able to trust you to be respectful of him and his feelings. Believe me if you overlap the two guys, you could doom the relationship before it even begins.Finally, if there is anything missing in your current relationship, can it be fixed? Long term and passionate loves ALL(!!!) do get boring and even very tedious at times, but the real love that most dream of comes when these periods are seen as warnings that more effort is needed or that our childhood wounds are deeper than we thought.No one can meet all your needs and no one can fulfill you completely. If it is not too late, try couples counceling. If it is too late, try it for you so that next time forever is just that- forever. Remember, there is no perfect man, there are good men and there are choices. This new guy will let you down too someday. One day you will look at him, feel slightly sick and think "what was I thinking!?!"- then you have a choice. Do you want real intimacy and love or do you want to scratch the surface and never have anything special. "Special" builds over time and definately builds strongest after the bad times. It starts with keeping your eyes in the current relationship just as you would want your man's eyes to stay on you. I've been in both places and trust me, you are in for some serious hell and guilt if you leave or if you stay. But men will not ever fix the hurts inside, jumping from one to the next will only make it hurt worse... Be kind to yourself.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 May 2005):
 You need to talk to a law advisor. Look in the phone book, because almost every town and certainly every city will have a free or low-cost legal advisor for people like yourself, so that you know what your rights and responsibilities are in this situation.Generally though, the father of your child is legally required to pay maintenance for the child until he reaches 18. No matter what. No matter whether he lives with you or not. So, think the matter over carefully and decide what your best options are. Please put your son first in every consideration, because he's the innocent party here and can't protect himself. You don't have to live with either man, OK? Only choose one or the other if that's what you really want and if it's in all of your best interests.When you know what you want to do, go and talk to a legal advisor so that you know what to tell your son's father, should you decide to go with the other man. Do remember that your son has a moral right to visit with his father and the dad probably has legal visitation and/or custody rights, too. You need to know all these things before you talk to your son's dad. Good luck and take care.
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