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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am 37 and have a very high sex drive that I am afraid to let my husband see because he takes advantage of me when it comes down to sex. Many time I'm left unsatisfied while he rolls over and falls asleep. I'm faced with a dilemma, don't get me wrong, I love my husband but right now I just don't like him and how he leaves me wanting more........please help me.I find myself looking on line for anything of a sexual nature ,movies, pictures anything that will get me off. I feel like i'm living a double life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2006): Hello i dont have a solution for you but i am in the same situation , it is sad and very physically draining. I hope someone does reply with a real answer.:( I am considering leaving my marriage if it keeps up much longer. I love my husband more than anything but it is consuming my life and the more i love him the more he takes advantage of me and my sexual needs.!
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female
reader, Kristen B +, writes (10 July 2006):
 my husbend and I have been married for just under 2 years my mother in law lives with us. I had moved out of the house befor i was married becouse of his mom. He asked me to move back and that his mom was going to stop fighting with me and after a little bit she would be moving out. well she still lives 2 years later and now she has no intent on leaving. we dont own the house it is my husbends sisters house so we cant leave(he is commited to her for the house). We dont have sex thats my foult im not attracted to him sexualy any more. He wonts to have a baby and i dont I have a infertility problem and to defeat that I allways told my self I didnt wont to have one, I guess I told my self that so much that I rilly downt wont them. MY husbend helped me out once before we even started dating. He fell in love with me he was 26 never had a girl friend or had sex(VIRGIN) big mistake So for him helping me I stade with him and his mother to help hime out I felt obligated to him so after a bout a year he asked me to marry him I sed yes BIGER MISTAKE I do love him just in a diferent way I tought that I could lern to love him My parents love him every body dose exept me. and then came the baby thing well im married now so that is my responsibility as a grown women and a wife. I dont wont to have kids i dont wont the pain and suffering of fertility drugs thay make me feel sick and I loos out on work and $$$$ I dont wont to be married . When I come home from work and i see the house in shambles from all his moms crap every ware I look at him and look at her i just won to scream tell them to go F**K them selfes pack my stuff and leave. I feal like I am always walking on egg shells around the house and god forbid that you asy somthing or his mom might start a fight, I cant live like this any more i cry all the time im now 100 pounds over whegh when we met i was 160 5'10" so thats thin for me now i whegh 265 OMG i hate my self and befor I go crazy I have to get out these people are craxy just so you no there are 4 big guns in the house and there always saying how they could kill people without getting cought. there is a lot more that i could tell you but it would be 10 pages just the basics. can you help me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): you need to talk to your husband no matter how hard you find it as he can't fix what he doesn't know is broken
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2005): this seems very important. Maybe you need to tell him straight and then lead him to the bedroom and do a little role play and just have a good old romp
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
By not being HONEST with your husband, you are not being true to yourself and are allowing him to become a selfish lover.You must let him KNOW that you want MORE and that he is not "stepping up to the plate"He needs to "hit a home run", not just steal the bases.If he is upset...then tell him to put himself in your place and consider how YOU FEEL.Sexual intimacy is 2 sided...not just one.He gets his rocks off & rolls over to sleep, but you lay there frustrated and unsatisfied.How would he feel if it was the other way around?You had a great orgasm & then ignored him & fell alseep?You can bet your bottom dollar he'd speak up in a hurry !My advice...speak up...be gentle but upfront & honest.If he truly loves you, he will work hard to please you.If he does not reciprocate...you will spend ALOT of time cruising the internet for porn & sexual satisfaction.OR....I think you are intelligent enough to figure out the rest.
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reader, Wendyg  +, writes (4 July 2005):
 I really think the best thing to do is talk to him about it subtly. If you dont hes not to know there is a problem.. if this is the way it always been and you havent said anything then why would he suddenly change ? Let him know that you love him and that you would like to make your sex life more interesting for the both of you.. take the iniative... initiate sex first and see where that leads.. make him think its his idea... dont let him think hes doing wrong, give him a guiding hand in the right direction my subtly mentioning things that you could do together of a sexual nature... make at as though you are doing it for him.. many men like woman to tell them what they want, fantasies etc... try turning it around to make it seem like its for him when its actually for you... dress up maybe and start to be more adventurous in the bedroom.. suggest to him that you would like to try new things and ask if there is something he would like to do.. tell him the things you like and see what happens... if you just sit in silence it wont change... tell him how you feel, maybe not in words to begin, but my actions and then gradually things will hopefully fall into place...
take care
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reader, becky05 +, writes (4 July 2005):
Dont start going behind his back online. You must tell him how you feel and if he doesnt accept your wishes you must tell him that you feel you can no longer continue in a marriage where you are used as a sex object and feel like you get no affection in return.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (4 July 2005):
 He takes advantage of you and you still want sex from him? Or is it possible that he assumes you are as happy as he is? It could be that he is a cad and selfish, you would know better, but if you never have said anything about it how could he possibly know?
Did you know that 10,000 men were surveyed (5,000 couples) and more than 95% said that when women do one of the following: give the silent treatment, cry, act distant or mad, what ever it is but do not specifically say the exact nature of the problem, the men believe that they are manipulative and trying to control them or they are hormonal? Why wouldn't they. You can't seem to explain so it must not be them. Sounds logical really.
Think about it. What if every one expected to just be known with out ever saying what you need or want, where do you think we would be? Nowhere good I'M SURE. If we that was possible we all would be able to read minds!
Now try to imagine what ejaculation feels like. The sensation of being a man, right down to the fact of nature that a mans brain actually begins a quick slide to sleepiness as soon as they finish. (All against their will.) Did you know that? I didn't but an actual SPECT brain scan (like a cat scan but shows activity and blood flow,) shows that it is natural for men. So in a way you are putting motives where biology is at play. That is not fair to him. He is sleeping because sex for him is very much like heroin. Could anyone blame you if you woke up when a marching band marched through your bedroom when you were asleep? Same idea.
I think what you might be feeling is shame. I am so sorry for that. It is horrible what society can put on women. It sucks that for men to want sex, they are studs, for women, the same species, they are dirty and bad. How could that be? You are not bad you are real.
Does your husband do anything overt that makes you think that if you asked for more forplay or initiated sex, that he would even hint that you were crazy, dirty, or out of line? Is there a general feeling of imbalance in other areas of your marriage? Does he get his way more often? Is there any compromise? If not, then that is likely the real problem.
Sex is a release for both men and women. You might be more needy sexually because of this powerful illusion of completion you feel after the big O. That can keep you from facing the real issue. I is like a drug, instant gratification little effort. The problem is not solved and festers but you feel happy for now.
The solution that will be best for your marriage is either easy or difficult. Most likely it is easy in hind site but difficult to do at first.
The same study I quoted above had 90+% of men wishing their wives would initiate sex more often and not just by flirting but by overt statements and actions. Something like " my God you are so sexy I am feeling weak. I must have you in me very soon or it is going to get bad very around here soon!"
Most men want you to want it. If we don't or can't tell them, perhaps that is the mans version of not getting what they need from us! Imagine all these couples living in self imposed isolation. The men think the women are just giving it up to shut them up. So they do their thing quickly and retreat. Meanwhile the women are fuming that there is nothing in it for them! What a waste.
First, you need to begin a conversation with him if you feel safe that he will not harm you. Tell him that you love him so much and need to talk about something that you find very, very hard to talk about with him (anyone for that matter, but that you want to be close and to trust him. Men sometimes need to be shown how intimacy works.)
If you can get him to honestly promise that he will not belittle you for being normal then, tell your husband this:
"I sometimes really need to be validated sexually. I have a bit of a hang up about telling you because in the past when I have, you (or others) did _(name a behavior not a motive)_____ which led me to believe that I'm _____ (fill in the blank. Is it you felt like a bad person? Dirty? sick? Disgusting? Shameful? continuing...) I'm afraid to say this because I'm afraid you would not love me anymore and would leave me if I did."
Then ask that he forgive you for fighting a battle he never knew was raging and making him the bad guy. Tell him you could not face the truth of it before but you feel close enough to be a better friend now.
If he laughs or dishonours you in any way retreat and get help with therapy. He is cruel if he is anything but supportive.
(Even if these words are stretching it a bit, I urge you to say them if your husband is not abusive. They are probably the truth and he will feel loved and respected and therefore much more likely to get creative and help you solve the problem.)
If you thought about it, the only real reason you would not be able to ask for something and maybe get it/ maybe not, would be that something deeply painful is keeping you from effectively communicating. When people suffer instead of risk, there is always something larger than the problem that keeps you busy. That something is the real problem not his after sex behavior.
If you can't do this then it is time to explore why you need the suffering in the first place. Yes need suffering. You would have done this before if you had been treated with respect before in your life. You are used to sufferin right? Being treated as if you were unimportant did this to you. Have you ever felt that your needs mattered to your parents, family, friends? If you can't think of a time then you were taught to accept this as your lot in life. To rebel would mean abandonment and ridicule since you must deserve it. That would teach you that your needs are not important... even though they are.
A therapist can help you by asking the right questions and enabling you to explore what keeps you stuck. The aim in therapy should be for you to answer these types of questions not the therapist telling you, but for you to discover you. That way your best options will be opened and your self esteem can grow. There is no need to feel ashamed about this; you did what you had to to survive.
I hope you are safe and can try to get a promise to protect you while you become vulnerable to your husband. If he is a good man, he will ensure your safety.
Make sure to tell him this is your issue and not about him. If he is open to this discussion, he could easily feel like he is a bad lover and that could cause more problems than you already have. Give him the option of being clueless and a typical man instead of making him selfish or cruel and no man at all. That will increase your liklihood for a happy resolution.
Good luck to you
(PS- if he does harm you physically or emotionally abuses you, please seek help. You will need the support as you decide how to gain back your personal power and learn to expect more in love and in life.
Many women have gone before you and have found the answers
- you can too. If he is safe, I'm willing to bet you have been hurt by some one else. That is a prison that you will still have to break away from, only then it is in your mind, as well as your past.)
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