| A ,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years and live together. For almost a year now he has been discussing getting married on and off but this just seems to be all talk as he has made no further plans, ie: engagement. He has also stated that there is no point in people getting engaged (although he himself has been engaged in the past) and we will just get married 'one day'.I am not happy about this and would like to do it in the traditional way with a long engagement, I have never told him this as there has never been a 'right time'. I'm finding myself thinking about it all the time and becomeing resentful of his past girlfriend having the commitment I crave, what do I do?
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, missy1218 +, writes (12 July 2005):
This is also my problem exactly! My boyfriend has been talking about getting married for what seems like forever (about a year now). We have been together going on a year and a half. I know it hasnt been THAT long, but every day I get more and more resentful that were not engaged yet. What is taking him so long? Everything else is great except that we've started arguing more because ive become so insecure in our relationship because were not engaged yet. (i dont tell him that) That is really THE ONLY problem with us right now. He continues to talk about us moving in together the middle of next year but we're not living together until we get married. Also, he was engaged before...it was awful and it ended after two years. I am so resentful that he was engaged before very fast but with me it is taking a while. I know this wouldnt be an issue if he hadnt been building me up for a year always talking about proposing. Now im getting a really bad taste in my mouth about getting engaged. I think i just have a really bad attitude and its not healthy for our relationship!!
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (29 June 2005):
 First calm yourself. If you build resentment and then discuss this you will be arguing for him not to commit. Who wants to be forever with someone so resentful. (I realize that you cannot help that yet but try yoga or meditation on thankfulness before talking.)
Know also that research shows that the average couple who report longterm sucessful marriages wait on average for at least 2.5 years before thinking of marriage and that is thought to be because they concentrate on building a good foundation. Do not sabatage your relationship until he has not moved forward after 3.5-4 years. That is when you are really in danger.
Unfortunately, you already moved in together. That usually means trouble. You are now living like you are married and for men, that is all they really need. You have withheld nothing and you still want something.
If I were you, I would begin looking for another location to live and tell him that since marriage is your goal, you want this relationship to be as great as possible. If he has to pursue you, he will be on the ball and want to lock you down before someone else gets a chance to instead. Do not try this while resentful. It will backfire!
Do it so you will not get into bad habits where you habitually live with rule designed for those who are testing each other and where forever is a maybe. People act differently when they expect to have to live with their choices forever. If you know that you can always leave easily, then you will begin to use communication methods that bring your thinking to the edge of breakup each time your way is not taken. That spells disaster.
Also, remember that since you are now living together, your mind tells you it is easy to break up, but since you are now emeshed, your mind is lying to you. You will feel much higher levels of dissatisfaction and never realize that it is the living arrangements that are a large chunk of the problem.
Has he brought up the subject or has he only been willing to talk about it when you do? If he does the initiating then relax and don't ruin it. If you have, then he might be telling you what you want to hear so you won't leave him.
Realize that he does want you. He seems willing to talk about it and that is not nothing. Also, you say that his ex gf (not wife) got the commitment you want. Is that really true? You want him to give you a ring and say he promises to marry you someday but never do it?
Ask yourself why they never went through with it. Something tells me that that is the reason he is against engagement. In his mind engagement is nothing as it does not necessarily lead to marriage. You don't want empty promises you want to spend your life with him -every day- even when he does irritating things- even when your ideas are not the same and you really want things done differently- you want to compromise one the important things when you disagree- forever giving up getting your way all the time- Right?
If the goal is to have a special day, then be upset. If you want to experience oneness, then start now, because if there is anything I know, it is that oneness is alot of self sacrifice, compromise, communication when the issue is hot and it is the guts to put all on to the table knowing you will never get all of what you want.
Finally, if I were you, set a date to talk and really be willing to hear his ideas. Make it your goal to try to even get excited about them in any small way. (show him what real listen feels like!) Then it is time to get the guts to say what you feel. Do not blame and do not make the problem anyone but yours.
Try this:
I might have been moody lately and I think I finally realize why. I feel a little scared and I am afraid that you don't love me as much as I do you. I feel very vulnerable and I am not very good at that kind of intimacy becuase you could crush me easily. I want us to feel safe and I am not sure but maybe I have pressed marriage because of this fear. What do you think I could do to resolve this? Or have you been feeling this from me?
If he has felt frustrated and afraid to really talk, tell him that you are really sorry since you want him to be happy! If you will work out and eventually get married start opening up communication and working on that uncomfortable level of intimacy. That is the real road to the love you really need. Marriage is just a lock not an actual state of happiness.
...............................
|
