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anonymous
writes: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years, and we are for the most part happy with our relationship. We get along great and look forward to seeing each other, but we don't really have sex that much. I would say once a week, maybe twice.. but I am over his house just about every night. Since I believe that sex is on a guy's mind alot, it confuses me a little. He still finds time to spend with his pornos, which makes me a little jealous. I understand that it is normal for a guy to have porn, but I feel as if I'm not getting as much attention as I should. I have talked to him about it several times, and he doesn't understand why I make a big deal about it, he just says that it shouldn't be planned, it should just happen. He says that he doesn't use porn to replace me, that he loves me, and that he is still very much attracted to me. He also gets annoyed if i bring it up. I'm actually uncomfortable to pursue him sometimes because I don't want to be rejected. He says he has less of a sex drive than other guys b/c he used to take ecstasy pills with his ex girlfriend in his teens and they would have sex for hours each day. He is also 28 and I am 22. I love this man to death and would definitely consider marrying him. My hormones are also at a different level I guess and that makes me even more tense... its amazing how happy i am from something as 'stupid' as having sex. I know that he doesn't cheat, but sometimes I question it anyway. He was taking steroids which lessens the sex drive, but has been off of them for awhile... Sex is important to me but I only think about being exclusive to him. He has never really been a sexual person, whereas I am very passionate. This is an issue that is causing unnecessary stress! I'm not sure what to do.. i really need some insight especially from a guys point of view, thanks!
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ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2005): Well to be honest with you I don't think you have a thing to worry about with him cheating. When I found your question I thought a lot aobut my own problem. We are in the same boat only reversed. I'm the one who lost my sex drive and my husband is like you. I would never ever cheat on my husband and I love him more then anything but something just happened some time and I lost the sex drive, I use to want it a lot before I started dating my husband again but I cant figure out what happened. I have tried to fix it but I don't know what to do. I have asked this question before and no one would help me and I so badly need help but maybe that is what happened to your boyfriend, some how he lost his sex drive. I wish I could help you if only I knew the answer to my problem I could help you. But don't jump the gun and think he is cheating unless you catch him doing something. See other people don't know this problem is so common in people and jump to other solutions but maybe what he needs is to talk to someone who can help him, it just may be all in his head like with me. Good luck I need it too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2005): trust me on this,looking at porn is a disaster to your sex life.Think about it,if a dude pulls the goalie 2 or 3 times a day or more,how is his body supposed to get naturally horned out?He prolly wanks it when he isnt even horny,just because its there,and its something to do,so when it comes time to have real sex,he cant perform,cause hes got no juice left.I know a lot of dudes that would rather beat off looking at porn then have actual sex with theire partner,me included,cause you can fantasize looking at a variety of people,and it doesnt take as much effort,sounds wacky,but its true.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (6 June 2005):
 I would always believe that when a person says they are not very sexual, it is at least somewhat true 95% of the time even if it means totally embarrassed about talking about it out loud. In your case, once to twice a week is not far from healthy and normal, particularly after 4 yrs. If however, you need more than 1 or 2 times a week, he should lay off the porn just a very little bit, or he should invite you to join him and get a little kinky. He may be afraid that you would judge him for being a normal guy who is turned on visually and by visual variety. Point being that if you need a little more attention he should be willing to accomidate you even if it is slightly off putting to him. But if you want A LOT more out of him (daily), and it is a physical issue, by a vibrator. If it is because you need his validation, buy some shrink time and get to the bottom of why you need that. That is because no one can fill your void and then also, it's not his (or anyone's) fault necessarily (maybe your parents but go easy even there;). )Only be jealous if the porn is pulling his very limited ability for sex totally away from you. If you fear rejection when you initiate, join the club! He does too if he is human. If you ensure him that he turns you on and that you worry that he might be unreasonably ashamed of what you are embarrassed to suggest yourself, perhaps you can gain more intimacy and acceptance for both of you- which will possibly eliminate all your other concerns. This too is the real benifit of long term, comitted, relationships. If you are scared to broach the subject, do it anyway and tell him you are scared and that don't want him to think your a slut. Remind oou and him that sex and even kinky sex (in a loving relationship that is based on mutual respect,) is totally normal and the reason we shouldn't jump from partner to partner in the first place. Then...The next holiday (or just because) ask him to go to a "love" shop and pick out a movie for the two of you. ( Add anything you think might be fun to the shopping list and ask him to suggest something as well. Then no matter what be playful about the suggestions even if it is a wig or costume- my hair as I type is bright bimbo red and I just tell the folks I needed to get the punk out of me before I am a grandma! Trust me red is not my color but now that it is done, not too bad and spicey in the sack.) Call the shop ahead of time, and ask if there are any female clerks working there and when. When you arrive, ask her to recommend something after you get there. It really will dehumiliate the process and she will steer you away from the disqusting and totally understand your situation. Plus any pervs that might be there will lay off the looking. This might enable you both to relax and start having more fun. I know this could work since I was in your boat (exactly) and it worked absolute wonders! Just don't wait 10 years like I did... what a waste of time and some real fun!
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reader, Your big sis +, writes (6 June 2005):
 Something hit me as I read your question...you have a relationship with man for 4 years and you have never lived together? That alone might be the culprit of your problem. He is right for wanting the sex to be spontaneous. Have you thought how he feels about the whole thing? You come over to his house at the same time every day, walking in expecting sex from him. After 4 years, I'm sure this has gotten old. He knows that when you come over it's time to perform. How would you feel if he barged in your door expecting sex every night at the same time? There's no mystery. No flirting. No passion. You are lucky, he told you the reason straight out. Most women have to wrangle their men to open up. But now there leaves the whole living situation for you two to work out. Or maybe you can deal out the prob even with the two of you living apart, but don't count on it.
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