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writes: I am married to a beautiful 30 year old woman who I love dearly, but she has always had a very low sex drive and I am finding myself looking at other women and generally getting frustrated and depressed. We have sex less than once every two months and it took a week to consummate our marrage, but she believes she has a high sex drive and we have sex at least once a week. I have read many journals about sexual dysfunction, and I am sure she has nothing wrong mentally or physically, just a low libido. Unfortunately I can no longer say the same for me, I am getting frustrated and depressed, My wife doesn't want to talk about it and thinks something is wrong with me. How can I walk away from my sex drive and save our marrage?
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reader, NordicBeauty +, writes (6 July 2005):
If you truly love this woman and desire to spend the rest of your life with her and grow old together, then I would advise it's time for Action !Sharing sex once every 2 months is not enough for men !Your wife may be comfortable with that idea, but obviously you are not, so she NEEDS to compromise more.I would suggest visiting a sexual therapist together to talk about your feelings and needs.She needs to hear, from a professional, that a man needs sex more than 6 times per YEAR !Her problem might be hormonal, and special medication can increase her sex drive, but she also needs to overcome her narrow minded attitude & stop being so selfish !(Hey, I'm a woman, so I can say that !)I have a very high sex drive...love sex every day, but at one point in my life...I only wanted it once a month, so I visited a doctor, had some tests, & found out it was a hormonal imbalance...several weeks later, along with medication turned me into a nymphomaniac & I love sex now!Encourage her to see a doctor.If she really loves you, she will comply.All the best,
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reader, pops +, writes (6 July 2005):
I tried everything advised above with my first wife, and I spent 15 miserable years with her. Nothing I said or did could budge her. She just did not want to have sex of any kind after we married. If your wife won't talk about it, see professional help, or change, do yourself a big favor and seen a solicitor about a divorce. I did not make a promise to be a eunuch after marriage, and I suspect you did not, either. YOu married her for a lot of reasons, so it is worth the effort to fix this relationship before going out and trying to start another. However, you are not wrong in expecting to have normal sexual relations with your wife. Normal is 2-5 times per week, more when you are younger, and less, sadly, as you get older. Sex is adult play, and is supposed to be FUN. I would ask your wife why she doesn't enjoy having fun with you anymore?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (4 July 2005):
 First, unless you want to betray your vows, you must change YOUR way of thinking before it is too late. Let's just say, stay away from the fence so you can't see how green the neighbors lawn is!
This is step one, and is the most important before anything else can be fixed.
I suppose you knew that she had a low sex drive when you met so for the short run, try to force yourself to remember how you felt about her when things were great. You were not looking around then, were you? This is what some would call, looking back to look forward.
I do not mean to sound cold. I definately understand where you are as I have been through it myself. My worst time was when things got to once every eight months or so.... for 2 min. tops!
Please realize that if you are determined, it can get not only better, but very, very fulfilling. However, since you are the one who has a problem with it, you are the one who has to do most of the changing at least at first.
There is definately something wrong with her if her sex drive is as low as you say. Do I read you correctly when you say it is once every two plus months and she thinks it is 8-10 times in that time period?
I would start here. Have a sit down talk over dinner with no pressure to have sex thereafter. Tell her that you need to schedule this because you believe your marriage is in serious trouble. If this does not get her attention then skip to the end, because then she doesn't care and is trying to end it. (I know, I'm a female- print this and tell her she is passive agressive if she doesn't care and that is weak and hateful.)
If she is concerned, ask her to support you in documenting the dates that you have sex on a calundar. Just put a smiley face on the date after every encounter- nothing huge. Easy right? Tell her you will ask nicely each time you want to and if she says no, put a sad face. When you do this have her there so there is no disagreement.
This alone could solve your problem since evidence does't lie. She, like many women might not be strong in quantitative analysis. We think relationally, and we are all (men and women,) selfish in relationships. We want it all and want to only give when it is easy.
Try that for three weeks to see if there are three smiles and also how many frowns. Pictures can't lie. People can but usually don't realize when they do.
What if you are the one who is wrong? Even then your sex life is too infrequent. At least twice weekly is a good number to aim for. If she is unwilling to even try, try to find out why. Just don't ask her exactly why. Why? That puts her on defense and she will either blame or run. So instead, tell her that you need sexual relating to feel loved. But also ask her to help you understand what feelings she has when you put a move on.
Has she been sexually abused as a child? Was she from a hyper religeous family? Girls are raise differently and if parents are fearful of their daughters safety, they can inadvertently cause their daughter to be repressed and feel dirty after every encounter. You would not want that right?
If there is a yes to the abuse, she will need a lot of therapy to feel good with sex. That does not mean that she should withhold. Just that each and every time you get some, you need to remember how much trust she had to summon. (All the more reason to stop looking around.)
If it was religion, then education from the Bible book of Song of Solomon, might do her some good. The entire book is about erotic sex inside the safety of marriage. Good read to realize that if it is in the Bible God must approve! If she is another religion, talk to an elder of her church. They will have advice for her. There is no religion okay with celebacy after the vows.
Finally, beg her to see a doctor, she may have an undiagnosed condition. Is she on the pill? That can do it. Is she on anti depressive meds? That will too, as will a whole lot of others that often can be substituted with an alternative that does not supress the libido.
Finally, ask her to to say yes half of the time she wants to say no. Sometimes getting used to getting naked and forcing a new habit is all that is needed. ("6 weeks a new habit does make."- someone wise!)
Finally, be gentle and concerned while stating your limits. You have the right to dictate the rules just as much as she does. In the end you may end up with less sex than you hoped but much better than you thought possible.
If you are feeling depressed, see someone. They can help. If she says no to all of the above then it is time for the big guns.
This is the skip forward point.
If she is unwilling to work with you. Ask her what you should do then since she is unwilling to fulfill one of the few needs she is supposed to and even vowed to before God? Should you get into porn? Have an open marriage? Call her on it if she decides you are not allowed to feel the way you do. You are you and you feel what you feel.
Do the above, and expect a long climb out. It could reverse quickly, but if it doesn't you were prepared. Control your impulses and ask for it only half of the time you want to and set aside cuddle nights were she is safe to get close without you expecting anything.
If that doesn't work, and if she won't seek help, I'm afraid she is driving you away in such a way that she can then blame YOU if your stray. A win win for her. That is a control issue, a power issue and really not loving or healthy.
Finally, consider the fact that we bring lifes problems to ourselves. That issue you have the greatest need to face and deal with is the one life will present to you over and over again. Leave her and you will find another just like her eventually. Quite often, when someone is emotionally pent up, so is their partner. She might have physical issues but there is a very good chance that you have intimacy issues.
These are the bad times you vowed to work through. After you do, your reward is the next deeper stage of real love, trust and committment. That is how it is built. If you want that super love that we all dream about, you absolutely must climb the mountain. Continue doubling back to find an easier path and you will eventually run out of time and never see the prize at the top. If you want to get to the next level you must keep your eye on the path you already selected.
It is not fair to your wife to be compared to women who you fill in the blank for. Have you seen any of them first thing in the morning, have any of them shown their selfish side? Have they screamed at you or ignored you? NOT YET is all. Women are women. We all have our moment. Stay with the one you chose first it is your safest bet!
Good luck!
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