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anonymous
writes: I can’t win, ever!My new wife (age 27) of three weeks… yippee!!! …. and I (age 36) am struggling through an old issue that I thought might be partially resolved through our committing our lives to each other. She has admitted that she has always dealt with low self-esteem causing her to often think that she is not attractive and makes her feel like she has to compare herself to other women (either out in public or on TV) and change herself in order for me to think she is more desirable. To me, she is beautiful, sexy, smart, responsible, trustworthy and perfect. I don’t want her to change a thing. She refuses to believe me when I say that.The following might seem sort-of minor but after similar instances of the same issue, it becomes something that makes me concerned.An example of the most recent “issue” was yesterday while we were watching our wedding video. I was just ecstatic… Happier than ever… ear to ear smile! She seemed to be enjoying it as well (other than repeatedly criticizing her uncle who is an amateur video guy, until I asked her to stop). The problem occurred when I neglected to tell her how beautiful she looked on the video (Of course, I repeatedly filled her with compliments throughout the wedding day – Which she says she may or may not remember). Argh! So when she prompted me with “Didn’t I look beautiful?” I snapped out of it and told her how beautiful I thought she looked and that she was the most “beautifulest” bride ever. She responded with a frown and proceeded to tell me why she wanted me to tell her without her prompting me. It was because at some point, years ago, I had told her that I thought my previous wife looked beautiful in the wedding pictures. Once again, she needs the validation that she is better than the ex or any other women on the planet apparently. Understanding that she might be having some insecure thoughts, I moved over to sit next to her, put my arms around her and gave her some smooches while I told her that she really was the most beautiful and glowing bride I had ever seen. I saw things on the video that I didn’t realize was going on… cameras going off, babies crying, people chatting, etc. Why? Because I could not take my eyes off of her! As you might imagine, I was unanimously rejected because by then, it wasn’t good enough. So it escalated to a two hour talk (I get accused often of blowing it out of proportion) and we are still exactly where we started. She says things like, “I don’t know how you expect to make it 30 years if you act like this over something stupid”. I suggested we talk about this with a counselor so I can better understand why she thinks like she does and hopefully be able to change my behavior to help her “get there”. She says something like, I’m not going to a counselor, I’ve been there, they don’t do anything for me… And… what they did say was that the partner of someone who is “sensitive” or has low self esteem needs to be more caring, complimentary and sensitive. Having heard this before, I know that I already practice the more caring approach hoping that it’ll help her/us eventually get through this. She tells me that it’s not enough. So it sounds to me that she has put the burden on my shoulders to bow to this issue and give in. I refuse to give in to this! I feel I am giving her the compliments she craves but when she explains to me that I am just saying that because she wants to hear it, I get very frustrated (but only after over explaining how much I mean it). I can’t win here and it’s driving me nuts!We spent lots of time over the last few years trying to get over this disturbing (to me) trend of looking to the past and thinking she is not good enough and/or requesting my validation that she is better than my ex. For the most part, I am a ‘look to today and tomorrow’ guy. You cannot change the past but you can do your best to control what happens in the future.My problem is that when she ambushes me with these unfulfilled expectations, I feel like I’ve let her down and proceed to get mad at myself first then mad at her for making me feel like it was something I did even though I know it is something that I cannot predict nor control.The question(s): How can I better deal situations like this so we can build off of it instead of causing problems for both of us? Is there something I need to do differently? Is this something she needs to address individually? Or is this something we could work on together?The bottom line is that I don’t want to point fingers and I don’t want to “fix” anyone (unless it’s me). I just seek understanding.Please help! I know we can get past this!Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (29 June 2005):
 Sit her down at your prompting and say this. You know that I think you are beautiful or I would not have married you. However, I am a bit upset at your obsession with your looks and the pressure you are already putting on me and the marriage. I want to solve this problem so that we are both happy.
Then brainstorm what would make her feel more loved. Be specific You could for example try this:
Say she needs to hear you say she is pretty 25 times a day in order to feel loved, try to get her down to say 15. (Trust me that is alot!) Then print up compliment receipts that she gives to you or crosses out each time you do. She would have to pay attention to your acts of love and you will have an exact game plan for solving the problem. Be creative and leave her love notes and the like.
Women have pressure to be perfect or lose out on being of any value. This is exasberated when she has been rejected by the men in her life like Dad or other family of origin males. She will need more reassurance then. If it is more than you can deal with without getting bitter, go for counceling. This is a major self esteem issue and can destroy your marriage. Do all you can to fight for it.
If you do try a commonly agreed method of resolution and she slips up by criticizing you, then she is using this to get her needs met in an emotionally unavailable and dysfunctional way. That is a control issue and a power trip. In this case, therapy is a must for both of you because you are feeding it for a reason too. The problem is that you both need something and your methods to resolve the problem are creating an endless cycle.
Be open to the fact that you probably doing something that encourages the problem. If you know you have tried and she has not noticed tell her that you wish you could help her but only have energy to say it x number of times a day. Then walk out of the room and refuse to talk about it. Tell her that is something she should discuss with the councelor and you could call them not if she thinks it would help.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): The most important thing, is she has to stop rating her total self-worth on attractiveness. She probably has many other desirable qualities, so why is she rating herrself on just one issue? To me, it sounds like she has the belief that to feel worthwhile, she must be attractive and you have to keep validating it. Attractiveness can be a desirable trait, but it is 'just one' of many traits people have. If she continues to base her self-worth on only physical attractiveness, she will be insecure no matter how lovely she is. Physical appearance is only part of the big picture. Your wife need to learn how to unconditionally accept herself and that will take time and effort on her part. She need the courage to look at herself and gain self-love and learn to value herself just for "who" she is.
It is not your fault that she is this way. She has to stop expecting you to always give the self-worth she craves, to exist. She has to find this within herself. She has to practise positive self talking...and not be so hard on herself. She needs to affirm and validate herself, everyday, through her own inner beauty , her accomplishments in life, her intellect, her givingness. And so what if no one pays her a compliment..she should learn to give herself a pat on the back. She has to realize you love her...not only because she is beautiful physically, but because of who she is in her heart and soul. It seems to me that other people's rating of her is of utmost importance to her. I have to ask...was she criticized harshly and never appreciated or accepted for her fallibilties, as a child? As corny as this sounds...that could be an underlying problem. A person's self-esteem can get trampled by their parent's negative comments, when they were kids. And it's tough to rise above that talk in their heads, when they are adults. Many people can survive this by telling themselves that irregardless of what their parents said to them...they still choose to accept themselves unconditionally. And that's what it's all about: choices. Basically in a nutshell...in order to love herself, she must accept herself totally, faults and virtues, quirks, etc.
I think it would help if she was able to get some good , professional help from someone she trusts. I think it may be a good idea if you were to go along and help her through this. Good luck
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