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*olflover844
writes: My problem is boyfriend is 31 and lives at home with mommy. She makes things so easy for him and has him doing things for her, which is okay to a point. We have had an on/off relationship for 10 yrs. His mother is my competition. How can I ever win when she makes life so easy for him? He says he wants out of there but she finds reasons like taking his brother to reg. school and summer school while the parents work. He told her he wants to look for a job but she says as long as he's back home for brother.When he wants to stay by me, his parents dont know he's seeing me again cause he's afraid theyll kick him out if they knew. We've come to another fork in the road and he needs to decide who he wants to be with I guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2005): Don't compete. Tell BF to grow up and get out of his parent's home. You won't know what he is like, and he won't know what he is all about until he lives on his own. When he doesn't have mommy around to pick up after him, wash the clothes, the floors, do the dishes, cook, etc., he will learn a lot more about himself, and about the kind of woman he wants in his life. If he does move out, don't move in with him to take over mommy's role. Give him time to learn to be independent. He needs to do this to completely mature, and to be the kind of man who will stand by you when things get tough. Your relationship may not survive his becoming independent( I finally met the perfect man, but I didn't marry him, because he was looking for the perfect woman...), but it can't go anywhere as long as he is tied to mommy's apron strings. Don't you think it is weird that a 31 year old man is still living at home? phv
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (17 June 2005):
 Oh how I feel you! I too have been seeing someone for 10 years and since his dad died, was a definate number two. This is what I did and it helped greatly.Determine to pull yourself out of the running. If you complain at all about the situation stop. If you do, he will be freed to get ticked off himself. If you show any frustration, he will have to choose sides and defend her from the witch that is you.The more selfish she is the stronger the desire your boyfriend will have to make you pay for her sins. After all, mommy feeds, and shelters him. Live with that reality and if you cannot stand it, begin to pull away. If that does not make him want to run from her and grow up, perhaps nothing will. Your boyfriend has a strong willed mom, you could be just like her and the more you are the greater his fears that he will be ruined and/or smothered. He will allow the drama as long as you do since who really wants to face what their parent is doing when the only answer is "steal your life and use it for her own selfish pleasures."Finally, if you can see it from her point of view and let him see it your boyfriend will feel cornered. The excitement of the tug of war will not be there for him to use as a diversion, and if you are so understanding that you do nothing at all to stress him and nothing that he could see as attacking, then he will want you and see the truth faster.
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