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anonymous
writes: Is her story a lie?Hello, i need some advice about my relationship.I have been seeing a girl for four years now and we are serious. For the last two years we have been in a long distance relationship and we are hoping that in the next 6-9 months we would be together. We have made a real commitment to each other to do this and things have been pretty good so far.I went to see her a few weeks ago and she asked me to help her with her laptop which was running slow. While doing this i accidently found a file of a online chat she had with a friend where she said she kissed someone at a bachelorette night out. After agonizing for a few weeks I asked her. She denies kissing him but agrees that she was flirting. She says she just wrote that to get rid of this friend, who I know she does not like, from the online chat.. It sounds so stupid, but love is blind. She is trying to convince me to stay with her and says she feels stupid for writing it and sorry for hurting me.The story sounds too stupid to me. I think she is lying but she denies it. The thing is we have had a lot of issues with different religion, cultures and countries to deal with and its been ok, but this is not. I don't know if I can trust her. Honesty is very important to me. I don't know if it is worth carrying on now as there are so many other issues. I do love her but that is not always enough. The thought of a long distance relationship without trust doesn't work.Is she lying? Should I carry on?Do not know what to do?Pls help me.O
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reader, Scotty_uk +, writes (21 June 2005):
As with most situations, the key subject is Trust. When you stumbled on this chat log did you have any intention of reading it? did you feel an urge to find out what she talks about while your away? every guy at one point wonders this and it isn't your fault for asking yourself 'what does she get up to?'. long distance relationships can be a dream or a nightmare. never in between.what you need to do before you ask your girlfriend anything is realise that this could have a bad ending. you need to come to terms with that before you involve yourself too much. if your girlfriend is really sorry you should find that she will try and comfort you. if she tries to ignore the fact that you have seen this and she has denied it, you may want to start backing away. she may be trying to hide it. sorry this seems a bit negative. if when you 2 talk about it make sure she can look you in the face. eyes give true emotion not her looking at her right leg. you need to simply ask her straight what happened. and you need to keep asking until your own intuition tells you 'i trust her'. good luck!
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reader, D_Missy +, writes (19 June 2005):
If you really love her you should give her a second chance. Keep an eye on her, though. Not like a hawk, but just enough to feel secure. You have the right to be questionable right now. But I think, from the way it sounds, that its worth giving another shot.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (19 June 2005):
 She is lying- but ask yourself this: Why do the two of you remain exclusive when you really cannot be together for real yet? Dating someone is really just trying them out for the "real commitment or marriage. She in particular should be worried if commitment is the goal. There is very little time for her to be auditioning mates. Women are fertile and have healthy eggs reliably until 35-40. Starting at the age of 30 her egg quality begins to decay. Her biology will not allow her to sit and wait forever. So this is what I would do if you really lover her and not just what you get from her-I would would try to calm myself so that a real and loving heart to heart could take place. Tell her you've been thinking and what I said and that you could understand if she was lonely and slipped. If you do not know her goals ask if marriage/ kids is one of them. Ask if she is unhappy with the current situation and ask her if she needs a break from the super serious monog. Say that you will not change any of the interactions as they have been and you can still visit as can she.In short, she will be doing what ever she is doing and you cannot nor do you have the right to ask her to change. Honesty, yes- waiting her time- no. If you set her free just enough, she may choose you even more than now. No one likes to feel beholden to someone particularly if there is no benefit. If you can move to be together, ask her to be as honest as possible if she still wants that. Things could have changed and she might want to but is afraid to hurt your feelings. Be very careful! She might not yet know that her feelings have changed and once you move, she could become aware after you get there.Then--Please consider why she would lie to either you or the person she supposedly doesn't like. Why even respond to people you don't like by phone or email? I would blow them off! A low self esteem or fear might explain why she did and also why she kissed someone she regretted later and lies to others. Codependents (who are famous for being sweet people and willing to enable bad behavior in others,) do not feel the right to say no or to demand respect. She might have been suprised by the advance and (,as badly as this sounds,) unable to defend herself because she was paralyzed w/fear at what he would do if she pulled away or said no. I know many a gal who got away asap instead of confront the guy who grabbed/ kissed/raped her. In their cases they learn it is better to just not make waves as it is messy to deal with direct confrontation, even more so if she ever has tried and things went sour. (ie. Rape, molestation... remember one of four girls deal with this and then she may feel like a victim again if someone surprises her.) If this is her, then the lie was to save you at her expense. If she did not want the kiss and any other person saw her doing it, she might feel deep shame and has no idea how to cope. She cannot admit she is afraid and weak, she cannot admit to being a slut, so what should she do? (Seek therapy!) Imagine! I mean how do you explain that to someone you don't want to hurt that you kissed a guy against your will. People do not get that unless they have been there, and even then it is removed from them and so easy to judge how you should respond. What ever your do...Don't offer this excuse to her. If you are loving and safe for her, she might start to try to explain it and you, knowing in advance what she is getting at, could help her begin to connect at a deeper level what she is really doing. Could be what happened if she is a co. Codependents (in case you don't know) tend to come from families with any history of addiction or any ...isms (alchohol, gambling, sex, love, eating....) or who had an abscent dad, or has any emotional, physical or sexual abuse patterns (directed at her) in her youth. If she is a Co then Alanon or another 12 step programs would help.In any event, she is not completely emotionaly developed or mature. That could be fixable in the right setting and if she is gently but firmly comfronted.Also keep in mind... She either lied to you, or to her non-friend, she either kissed or flirted, either way it is not exceptionaly great news for you. And you wanted to believe her at your own expense... hmmmm, might want to look into your own tendancy to enable... What about your youth?Go slow, she changes if she wants to and only if she feels the need to. You get involved with your eyes wide open and confront her when she doesn't make sense. Good luck!
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reader, Dear Kelly +, writes (18 June 2005):
Hi,..no one can tell you whether she is lying or not, only she knows the truth, but trust is the most important issue, and with such long distance relationships there has to be a hell of a lot of trust to make it work, if you have doubts then I don't believe this can work out, not only with it being a long distance relationship, but as to any relationship 'trust' is the key to make a relationship work.From reading what you have written in your first few lines, you went from saying ''we are serious''and about both your commitments..... you was not only speaking for yourself but on her part too......Now if she did 'kiss' the other guy, or even 'flirt', like she's admitted to you, then I would personaly say that I dont think she's as serious as you are over her.On a good note, when you confronted her, she did actually admit to you that she was flirting, so I say give her credit for her honesty there.You say she was at a bachelorette night out?...now forgive me if i'm wrong but aint those the kinda places that single people go to? if so, I would also question and be wondering why she was there in the first place, if she is so 'seruios' about you!!I think you need to sit down and have another chat with her, as it's obv really playing on your mind,...if you still belive shes lying, then go with your heart and do whats best for you, you also say there is so many other issues, so I take it theres a whole lot more to the picture,and everything may not be so rosy for this relationship to work,,,, and without knowing I can't answer.Goodluck for the future.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2005): You are absolutely right. Trust and honesty is very important in a relationship especially in a long distance relationship. Although you love her, you don't always want to be in an uncertain frame of mind do you? You don't always want to think, "Oh is she lying to me?" that just causes distress and pain. I recommend you try and find out the full truth somehow. If you can't try asking her again and talking it out. If you are still uncertain if she is lying to you, then maybe you should spend some time apart. Let her think it over and you yourself might come to a firm decision. Hope this helps. take care
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reader, pops +, writes (18 June 2005):
You are not old enough to have a relationship with a woman. Spend time with the guys,until you grow up. Once you have developed self confidence, and a good self image, you will be ready to offer yourself to someone, who you respect and admire. issues or not. You won't need to ask anyone else if you can " trust her ". and you won't need anyone else's help. You will know when she is lying, and will take the appropriate measures if that happens. Getting upset over something written on a computer is juvenile at best. Of course she is going to be seeing other people at her age. And she is going to flirt with other men because she is testing her skills and powers. Do you expect her to stop flirting with you, or others if you get together? Lord, I hope not. That's part of the fun in a relationship. Don't you want your wife or girlfriend to be attractive to other men? Let them eat their hearts out, when she leaves with you. Its a high compliment to you. But you need to wait until you are old enough to appreciate it. pops
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2005): Where on the computer did you find these files? Just for my own curiosity. Also, sounds like she's fibbing. Sorry.
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