A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what i feel for him or what i want from this relationship.I have a long distance bf and we are supposed to meet in July for the first time. He's supposed to spend where I live 10 days and we're about to go to a concert together as well. At first i was totally fine with how things were going but lately everything seems to get to me. I guess i'm not used to relationships going this fast. I had online relationships before and those were so different and lot more slow.The thing is i tried to talk to him about this and somehow we always get to a point where i'm the one made to feel like i'm just over reacting this whole thing.I'm not sure i want to be in this relationship.More over at the thought of physical intimacy i get sad and feel empty. I don't think i'm ready for it. We talked about that as well and he keeps telling me that things will come naturally and when he comes i will feel totally comfortable with it as well.I honestly don't look forward to us meeting anymore, it feels like i'm not happy.A part of me says i should end it and a part of me says i should give it a chance. I'm really not sure what to do to be honest. Sometimes i feel like he doesn't understand me and he only sees things from his point of view...i really don't know what to do..
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I am currently in a long distance relationship, and we are planning to meet soon. I sometimes find myself thinking and feeling that maybe I don't want to meet him. For me it's nerves, it is a scary thing to meet someone. Maybe the pressure is getting to you, it can be like that. Try to talk to him and explain what your reservations are, it has worked for me. I wish you luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Have you ever been in a real relationship before? With a real guy, not someone you only talk to online? Someone you get to see often in person, someone to be intimate with physically?
If not, then this is you being scared. You might not be used to things going this fast, and it's ok to ask for more time. He should also respect that you need more time! But, there's two things you need to do. First off, you need to take a deep breath and see that your fear of intimacy might have nothing to do with him as a person, or your relationship. It could be that you are the one who is scared, that the past relationships went slow because you were scared of anything faster, and that the reason you end up in several online relationships is because.. you're scared of a real relationship. Face this fear, and figure it out, or else you wont ever be able to have a normal relationship.
He's right you know, it will come naturally once you meet. And if it doesn't tell him you aren't ready. That's step two: be precise. What do you want from him? You said you need more time, for things to go slow... ok so what does that mean precisely? Does it mean you wait a year into the online relationship to meet up? Does it mean there's a time frame for when you are ready to meet in person? And when you do meet in person, do you need it to be strictly friendly? No touching, feeling, hugging? Decide what you want, then tell him.
If it's going too fast for you, no need to end the relationship. Just take it slower. If the trip has already been paid for, tell him that you don't want him to kiss you or cuddle you as you want this first visit to go slow, and for you two to get to see each other in person WITHOUT taking it to an intimate level. He should be able to accept that. And more importantly, he should be able to respect that. Just be clear about what it is you want.
If the trip isn't already paid for, arrange with him another time to visit when you will feel more comfortable about it.
Last minute nerves are natural though.. in two more weeks you might be super excited about him coming to visit you. And then the days before he arrives you might be so sick and nervous you'll throw up. It swings, you'll feel both uneasy about it and thrilled about it.
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A
female
reader, cherryblossommieko  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 It could probably be nerves getting into the way. You're anxious, and maybe feel that once you meet this person everything will change and youve the phone they seem amazing but in person maybe they're not what you thought. I think maybe you should wait until you meet to decided whether or not its the right thing to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): The thing is, it's not really a relationship until you've spent a significant time around one another. Chatting online and on the phone isn't dating. There's really no other way to get to know someone or date than being around them. Maybe online romances are what you are more comfortable with because the person is kept at a safe distance.
The other thing is if you aren't comfortable setting physical limits with guys you are going out with? Probably not a good idea to date guys until you are.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (3 June 2011):
 The problem with LDRs is that everything seems rushed when you finally meet. You are not obligated to be physically intimate with this person at all. Just like any other relationship guard your heart, your information and your body - and only let down those guards when trust develops.
There are no obligations in a relationship save that which you promise to the other person - remember that and you will avoid a ton of heartache and avoid causing heartache to others.
LDR's fall apart simply because over the time people talk on the phone they develop these expectations of what the person is like based upon a phone voice, text message, and email. When these people meet they find the real person falls short of expectations.
I would suggest simply going through with having him come your way and then you can see if you can develop something. Think of it as a first date, have a good time and go or not go from there.
On the other hand if you feel very strongly you do not wish this to continue - break it off now. It would not be fair to him to dither over things and then at the last minute when he is about to travel - say you don't want this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): How long have you been in a relationship with him? You could just meet him once than deside if you want to stay or not.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I am concerned that you would develop an emotional relationship with a guy on line period, let alone long distance...and call it a relationship and him a boyfriend and you've never actually met! And you've done this before.
Something is very wrong here, and it's you. No wonder you feel uncomfortable, a guy you've never met is spending 10 days where you are and he probably expects physical intimacy and sex, then he leaves and goes back to his real life.
You are only comfortable with non real, fantasy.
That's all this is sorry to say. Granted you may feel close due to the non risk in ever actually having to engage one one one in close physical proximity, but there in lies the problem. You are very retarded in your ability for true intimacy and live out of a place of fear.
I strongly suggest you stop this and start dating real live men in your own town, perhaps you would benefit from one on one therapy as well to get you started.
Tell the guy not to come and move on with his life.
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