A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years tells me he's not ready for marriage. We're both 27. We talk about commitment and how we see ourselves together long-term, but when I bring up marriage, he says he's not ready and doesn't want to discuss it. He's American, and I'm Canadian, and we met while working overseas together. Lately, we've discussed going back to North America by the end of the year. I researched work visas extensively, and it looks like working in each others' home countries will be really hard to do. I say that if we want to marry eventually, why not now, for the sake of being able to live and work in the same place? Still, he insists that we don't need to rush anything and that we'll find a way to work in Canada or the States without marriage or fiance visas. Frankly, I don't think he's being realistic on that matter.I love him, and I believe him when he says he's committed to me, but I can't help taking all this as a red flag.I'd love some advice!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): He's not ready. Nothing you can do about it. He may be completely committed to you, but still has some doubts. In my case, one reason I waited so long was because I wanted everything to be perfect first. Maybe that's happening here. Maybe he doesn't want to get married for the wrong reasons (practical reasons). Also, in my case I didn't want to get married if I felt pressured into it. The mom-in-law pressuring, the girlfriend pressuring, everyone squeezing and butting into a very personal decision and it made me want to run away. Truthfully, I didn't want people to feel like they were able to influence me in that way even though I really wanted to get married and so I tried to wait for a calm period. With the stress of moving, finding work, and you applying pressure that may be happening here.It's a difficult decision to make and face it, men are usually the ones who ask and who bear most of the financial burden if it doesn't work out. Be patient with him. He may ask you or he may never. Set your own goals, but I think it is reasonable to wait to see how things play out before rushing into this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): I am not in favor of men refusing to commit in the long term. I do agree that stable marriages are better for society as a whole. Especially when children are involved.
But having said all that, IMO you should understand something about the American court system. The laws and court precedents today basically make it crazy for men to get married. It's 100% additional liabilities for the man and no legal protections to balance it out. It's literally just a terrible business decision. So lots of men who are smart enough to worry about their financial future are rejecting the idea of getting married these days. Many of them still like the principle of being married but they just can't stomach the financial risk.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 I disagree that he's committed to you. He probably loves you, but he isn't at a point in his life that he feels he can provide for a family. The fact that he refuses to talk about it and tells you not to worry you will find a way to work in US or Canada with no realistic life plan or how to do that when you've done the research and know this to be an issue, tells me that he is committed for "now". At this time he's putting off the inevitable split that will come when he moves back home. The truth of the matter is, if he wanted to marry you, had plans to do so, he wouldn't be so cavalier. My advice to you is to not follow this guy around in his confusion and to ask for what you want. Tell him you understand if he's not ready, but after three years, you want what you want and you will no longer make yourself available at his beck and call and he can't have you all to himself. He'll get your meaning. Tell him if he starts to date other women, then you know he's made his decision. And start putting your focus squarely on you. Stop sleeping with him. You are behaving now like an engaged woman, clearly you are not. Make him step up to the plate by taking your power back, and if he doesn't now you will leave your heart open to someone who will.Or you can. Continue to be his faithful doormat and be surprised when he wipes his feet on you as a woman who didn't value herself more. Think about it. You guy probably wouldn't take a poor, wet shivering dog hunkering down by his door, but he would drive across town for that shiney, happy, confident doggie in the window.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Well, if marriage is something you want, and something he doesn't, you've got a fundamental difference to start with. By this point, he knows if he wants to marry you or not.
I guess in your shoes, I would decide if I could live with that uncertainty, or for how long. I'd map out the life plan... you know, married by 30, kids (if any) by 32, or whatever your personal parameters are. I'd share that plan with him and see if he's willing to talk about what his mental future plans look like. Then see if the two jibe. If he won't even discuss it, you have a problem. If the two plans have nothing in common, you have a problem.
Decide what works for you and let him know what that is and then you'll have some tough choices to make.
I loved this book when I was going through a situation where I had to decide how to proceed with a relationship: "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills, PhD. It's an older book; one couple I knew broke up after reading it (she HATED it, he loved it) and it helped me solidify my relationship with my now-husband. So for what it's worth, it may clarify your approach and thinking here.
I'd continue to stay practical and calm with him, no need to freak out just yet but remember that you deserve to go for the life you want to live. It's okay to ask for a commitment and it's okay to expect one, especially if you two are considering a major move together.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 He might not be ready for marriage while he's still young. Maybe it will take him 5 more years to get ready. Or maybe he's just not ready to get married to you, but would be with someone else (I know that idea is horrible, but lets face it, it happens).
How important is marriage to you? How important is it to marry young, and not have to wait until you're close to 40?
And then again, how realistic is it that you and him will be able to live together without being married, seeing as you're from different countries? You could always apply for a visa, it could be done. And it shouldn't be trickier than if you were to get married. There's a lot of paperwork included if you want to marry, and then you'd have to apply for a visa at any rate.
However, what's easy in theory might not be easy in real life. So it's all relative. I don't think it'd be easier to get a visa just because you're married, however the type of visa you'd get would be different (lasting longer if married I think, if not you'd have to re-apply every so often).
This isn't a red flag, he's not a commitment phobe, he's been with you for enough years to prove that to you. I think this just speaks more of his values, marriage not being amongst those values. Have you discussed with him if he at all sees marriage in his future, as something that he wants? And if he sees that with you? And at what age?
And what do you see for yourself? If you want to be married before you turn 30, and he wants to get married when he's 40, can you still come to an agreement?
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