A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone reading this. I'm 17 and I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. Per my request, we don't have sex - which my boyfriend is fine with (most of the time). Like any other teenager out there, I masturbate. I assumed that my boyfriend knew that I mastubate because it's a pretty normal thing to do. But I guess he didn't because a few weeks ago he kind of walked in on me and freaked out. According to him, he got upset because he doesn't understand why I can "have sex with myself" but not with him. But I could tell by the look on his face that there was more to it. I honesly think the real reason he got upset about it was because it was kind of a blow to his ego to know that I'd rather have "fun" alone than with him. Even now, he's still noticibly bothered by it. I talked to my best friend about it and he said that since I don't have a "legit" reason for not wanting to have sex, it kind of looks a little selfish to my boyfriend. I'm not sure I agree. So, guys, if you were in a situation like this, what would you think?I think I still don't want to have sex, but I do need to know what I can do to help repair his ego or at least make him more comfortable it know that he knows. Thoughts and advice please?
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 February 2011):
I also think that's a very mature attitude, so good for you.
The basic problem, is he feels threatened and rejected because to him sex and masturbation are the same. That probably shows that he's a bit immature when it comes to sex really, though I won't totally condemn him because he's also a teenage boy (i.e. walking hormone), and he has been loyal for two years.
You need to talk to him, and explain how you feel. Explain that you do fancy him, but that you're not sure if you're ready, and until you are it would be best for you not to have sex.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 So, basically you agree with Woody Allen : " Masturbation is sex with someone I really love ".
Boyfriends may come and go , but - ahem- "she " will always be there for you...
Sorry, just feeling like clowning a bit today :). Actually , talking seriously and being a parent, I agree with C. Grant and I think it's fantastic that at your age you are so mature , clear headed and immune to peer pressure. Thumbs up for you .
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Thank you for that follow up post. This probably isn't what I should be saying, but wow. What you've said is absolutely the most amazing, the most wonderful thing that a parent could ever hope to hear. That you are so focussed on what is right for you, that you are so clear on what you want and need? And that his pressure isn't swaying you off that track?!
My eldest is a girl who is close to 18 as well. I suspect that she is doing pretty well at being true to herself, but of course she'd never give me the details. If she is doing as well as you, well, all I could say is that I'd be thrilled.
Good on you for having your head so squared on!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA lot of you want to know why I've chosen not to have sex - to be honest the answer ranges from "I'm not sure" to "I'm not ready" to "I want to wait until I'm married" and, quite frankly, I'm scared of doing it. I'm all about living with no regrets and I want to have that figured out before I make any decisions.
About whether or not I'm even sexually attracted to my boyfriend - YES!!! When you love someone as much as I love him, there's no way you can't be sexually attracted to them. And honestly, the second I get my head figured out and if I were to decide I'm ready & I'm not going to regret it, he and I would definitely be having "fun" together. But I want to know he's going to be around for a really, really long time. But we're young and according to everyone around us, the odds of us being together that long is slim to none and I'm not sure I want to give something as sacred as my virginity to someone who might not be here tomorrow.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): What is your reason for not having sex? Very important in order to advise you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Perhaps it's not even legal in her state to have sex. I don't think two years without sex is a lot at all, we're talking about a girl who dated this boy from the age of 15-17. If she was 20+ it'd be different! But even then, as long as she's not stringing him along with "some day we'll have sex, some day..." but has made it clear that sex will not happen until an exact time, example marriage, or she turns 18, or she's a virgin and wants to wait until ready, or wants to wait until she can actually take care of a child in case of pregnancy, whatever reasons she's got... he agreed to them when he started dating her. And if he doesn't agree he can always leave.
I think it's quite sensible for a teenager to WAIT with sex, no matter the reason. When you have sex you are essentially making a baby, you try to use protection to prevent that, but in essence sex is about making babies. I don't support that anyone has sex until they are ready to face the consequences, which could be: a baby! And at whatever time a person feels ready for that is dependent on that particular person. But a 17 year old is in most cases not ready for that.
I don't know if that is her reasons, or what her reasons are. But to me, any reason why a 17 year old doesn't want sex is a good enough reason.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dataluke +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Perhaps I can lend a male view.To guys there is no distinction between sex and masterbation, or very little anyway. To us, sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure is sexual pleasure either way.In your boyfriends eyes, the idea that you would 'rather' have sexual pleasure from yourself than him, makes him think that their maybe something wrong with him, or that you don't care about him.Talk to him, tell him that you love him and you do appreciate what you have together. Explain to him why you don't want to have sex, but also try and understand why he is upset, you will both understand better if you see where the other one is coming from.Me and my girlfriend had the same problem. The way she let me in is by letting me be there when she masterbated and letting me masterbate with her. There was still no sex but we became much closer and much more trusting. You might like to try this if you want.If you guys have managed to stay together for two years then I think you can easily move past this.All the best, Dataluke
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (26 February 2011):
I think Chigirl summed it up very well. You're 17; not having sex at that age is a very responsible decision.
That you masturbate may well have been news to him -- girls are mysterious, and the impression lingers that they're not as interested as boys. As for how you handle it from here, part of the answer is whether or not you see yourself ever having sex with him. If it might be in the cards someday, you can reassure him that because you know your body well you'll be able to guide him to a great experience for the both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (26 February 2011):
 I don't think 2 years is a long time not to have sex with a boy, that's right a boy when you are still in you teens.Obviously, you want to wait until you are ready to be married, or for very sane reasons are prepared to take care of a child financially, emotionally, psychologically should you get pregnant which is a very real possibility once you start having intercourse. Your boyfriend is a tool, and he is the selfish one. Although, I can understand him wanting to have sex with you, if you made the boundary decision not too, then he is simply manipulating you by blaming you for a very natural act of masturbating. Masturbation is how we deal with our sexual urges when we don't want to have sex or choose not to do so. His reasoning is absolutely ridiculous and an attempt to control you through guilt, projection of blame and by trying to shame you into doing what he wants you to do.I think the relationship has finally run it's course. Go onto University, make some goals for yourself and wait until you find a guy who knows where he is going in life because he is of the age to support himself and offer you a true partnership. In short it is worth waiting until you are married or until you are damn well good and ready to have sex. It's your life at stake here as well as it being your body.Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss.Knowitall +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Ok. So look at it from his perspective. You have been dating for 2 years, and not have sex and he is a hormonal teenage guy he must REALLY like you. It takes less time then that for some people to decide they want to get married. There is no connection really between masturbating and sex, but at the same time it means you have sexual needs you have to have filled. He obviously is hurt that after 2 years you can not let him be the one to do that for you. I have to ask if you have been with him for 2 years and don't feel any need to have sex with him are you even sexually attracted to him? What is your reason? Do you just want to wait for sex because you feel it is something only married people do? Or Do you just not want to have sex with him? If so I think you might want to reconsidered your relationship. He is obviously a VERY understanding guy, but everyone has their boiling point. Not many guys would be with a girl for 2 years who showed no signs of ever wanting to go further with him without reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2011):
Your boyfriend is being irrational. There is no comparison between masturbation and sex with another person. By that logic you should also be having sex with every man in the neighborhood.
You made it clear from the onset that you would not have sex with him, and you have not had sex with anyone else either, or cheated. Masturbating is masturbating, it's not a sexual act that includes another person, it's not comparable.
And does he really not masturbate himself?
Any reason you have for not wanting sex is a legit reason. It's YOUR body, you have every right to decide what happens to it. Anything else would be ridiculous. If it's your choice to not have sex, and your boyfriend wants sex, your boyfriend should have found himself another girlfriend.
Perhaps it's time you let him move on?
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 February 2011):
I'd have to ask why it is you're not having sex with him. You didn't put down your reason. Because unless you have a good reason (religion/not ready etc), 2 years is a long time to not be having sex in a relationship. What's your reason?
...............................
|
