A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see him overnight once in December and overnight twice in January. I was just there to see him this past weekend for two nights... it was our first full weekend together.I had so much stuff with me this time for various reasons and he said to me "you have a drawer here" and pulled open one of his bigger drawers that was already emptied out... he also had half the closet available for my clothes that needed to be hung up.He turned to me and said "we are both old enough to know what it means that you have a drawer at my place"I don't want to be presumptuous... so what does he mean? Neither of us are in a position to move from our current locations....
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsupposedly he is starting some sort of treatment this week according to the phone call my friend received from his cousin/therapist due to being distraught since "the incident"
I wanna thank you for all your time and effort in responding to these posts.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
 What is he doing to work on his faults? Therapy? Just because you feel you are broken and have been in therapy for years and years, does not mean you only deserve to be with a guy like him. I don't know what your therapy is like or what your therapist's background is, but if you have been in abusive relationships before or come from an abusive home, many therapists that got their training before 2009, don't have a great background in personality disorder and the effects on their victims. Specifically, Cluster B Axis II personality disorders, the low conscience, low empathy disoders or how to understand the victim. They often get labled as codependents, when that isn't it at all. They don't understand the trance states that pathological people use to manipulate their targets and how those messages are deeply imbedded in the psyche and often have to come out the same way they went in. NLP therapy is helpful, and therapy for Post Traumatic STress Disorder is often needed. If your therapist lacks training in these areas, find one who is more up to date and who can help you learn your vulnerabilities and how to protect yourself as well as help you with the cognitive dissonance etc, you struggle with in these relationships, the heart not catching up with the mind....the ping pong effect of your intrusive thoughts.There is hope for you still, I know I've been there.
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
Sure, you are hurting right now, and nothing makes a lot of sense, nor will you be able to come to a clean decision about him, until you've had some time to process everything.If your head knows better, give your heart time to catch up. I think it would really help for you to know your vulnerabilities for choosing wrong men, and to recognize those red flags and to learn how to heed those warnings even when you would rather be in denial and just let things go along to get along. As you are finding out, it simply isn't worth it.In regards to the family member of his knowing you, it doesn't matter, it is still really, really unhealthy for him to be running to her and her telling you to stay away. The whole dynamic is dysfunctional, who needs to voluntarily join that group?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit was far from our first visit when he gave me the drawer....
just wanted to clarify that
1. he does take responsibility for his faults. he knows he has them. he's not sure how to fix them but he knows what they are
2. the family member that called me knows me I have met her. no one involved does not know the two of us.
3. he is broken. I am broken. I have been in therapy for years and years and years. I am what I am. He is what he is. we both know this
4. he is culpable too. I did not and do not accept all the blame. he has apologized and I did too but right now we are not speaking due to the other family stresses he is suffering.
5. I am not even sure I will be able to save this relationship. and to be honest what scares me more is that I might be able to. I know in my head that my being without him is better for me... in lots of ways. someone needs to tell my heart and my gut this too...
i'm not making excuses. it is what it is... and while I get it all and I know what's the right thing to do it does not matter when your heart hurts...
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
I just have to say, I just notice that you just met this guy in November, he's 37, never married, a pot smoker and drinks alchohol, a lot of it (or so it seems) and after your very first weekend together, he offers you a drawer and leaves an air of mystery about what that means, but cleverly tells you that you are old enough to know what it means so please don't ask me what it means...
Then here it is 7 months later and he's moving into your place and wants to buy a home with you, and he conveniently telecommutes for a livng.
You are in your 50's. Well, honey, I have been there done this, my ex psychopathic lover is now 39 years old (married once at 20) and I met him when he was 35. I am now 54, almost 55 years old and have been out of the relationship for two years. My ex also is a binge drinker, and smoked pot a lot when I first met him (which I didn't like) and he has a history of past drug abuse. While dating him, he got two DUI's, (I wasn't with him) and another offense for driving without a driver's license when he had it take away for the DUI.
To make a long story short, he was a liar, a womanizer, probably a sex addict, a user, in fact after our relationship was over when I finally got tired of his gross immaturity and kicked him out of my house (he moved in with me after a year and a half of dating and lived there for 7 months, we even got a new job together, which he wouldn't have had without my help) I was given a diagnosis for him by three seperate psychologists, one an expert in the field of psychopathology: Borderline Personality Disorder, Anit Social Personality Disorder....in short he's a psychopath. That relationship shattered me, it destroyed my mind for a time, it was a rape of a soul.
Now I can tell when I read these scenarios on Dear Cupid and when I meet them in real life or I can sense that there are at least traits of pathology...and what I have learned is that a little pathology goes a very long way and does inevitable harm.
I don't like the sounds of this whole situation you have going on here. The manipulative way he offered you the drawer, the inability to take responsibility for his faults, having a third party get rid of you, pit you against other people who don't even know you, the push pull, the sudden cut off....the fast start up, the quick rush to commitment and moving in with you....these are all great big red flags and signs of his pathology, what ever that may be.
I strongly suggest you buy the ebooks on that site I gave you, or read the articles or contact them by phone for a referral to a therapist in your town. You have a lot to learn before you go plundering back into this relationship with this very disordered person. Your right, he is broken and he can't be fixed. A 37 year old man that has never been married and behaves this way is an emotional retard...to say the very least.
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
Relationships seem complex because of the drama of life, but really they aren't because people are people and the relationship is either healthy or not.
I think it is a crock that you both got scared things were working out so well. What happened is one or both of you are triangulating your relationship by complaining to other family members or trying to get a rise out of a friend. Sounds like he did. He isn't capable of real intimacy or an adult relationship and there will never be closure, you will always be dangling an on your own accepting all the blame. He's immature drunken pot smoker, look at his age, he's ot going to change.
If you consider yourself broken, can you afford to get some help? You may even have PTSD try going to www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com There is therapy, books, help there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's very very complex. you may be sorry you asked.
he was here for 11 days and we had basically a great time. I worked. He worked from home at my place and life was good.. one of those days he took the train to his home town to work in his office and forgot his keys so instead of my going to get him Thursday he just came home on the train again... we managed just fine.. and since that was to be our plan of action once he moved down here (he would take the train up and back on Tuesdays) I think that it working so well scared us more.
on his last night here we had a HUGE fight. partially his fault as he was being critical of stuff and aiming for reactions from our friends, but my reactions to him were bad however... two broken people who care deeply who are terrified are not often a good match I know this.
The fight got physical and now he won't forgive me.
His dysfunctional family member (an older cousin) is a "therapist" I am not sure of her credentials but she called MY friend yesterday (the one my BF HAD been talking to) and told her to tell me NOT to contact him at all, not to show up at his grandmom's funeral today (his grandmom died a few weeks back and the funeral is today)that he was distraught over the "incident" and he would contact me when he was ready....
we've both been very very very stressed about many things and we both react badly to that stress.
I over reacted to his stress and it got very very very ugly.
I want to talk to him and either fix it or get closure but I'm being left to flounder in the wind....
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
Why or who forbade you to contact him? Of course you deserve love. You have to be careful to not set yourself up, too. It doesn't sound good for you to puck yet another substance abuser, that's a pattern you have to break. You deserve a real relationship with someone capable of that. As you well know a substance abuser us already in a relationship and it's not with you.
You're better off without that anchor.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe is an active user of alcohol and pot
my second husband also an addict...
we are both very broken people but broken people deserve love too.
sadly all of this is a moot point as of yesterday i was forbidden to contact him
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
Livelihood refers to the quality of being not just a means for support, or your job. People who are willing to combine finances without the commitment if marriage is like going into business with an unsecured loan, you may get the business off the ground, but if it fails the lender has no way to recover their investment. This could be an emotional or spiritual investment rather than a financial one. I can see your reluctance if you've been married three times.
Just out of interest, are either of you in recovery, were any if your former spouses alcoholics? Do either of you currently have a problem with drugs or alcohol?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell since I can't use youtube at work I can't comment on what those vows mean.
As for looking down on marriage... nope I've been married three times. We actually feel very married and I refer to him as husband. We may marry we may not. My dad has lived with his gf for 15 years now... they are as committed as any couple and they won't marry. My dad is a widower who only believes in one marriage.
I don't see where I'm setting myself up for being used and I can't see how being used puts my livelihood at risk. Again you are not explaining yourself to me clearly.
Even if he was to use me (which btw how would he be using me?) how would that threaten my job???
as for partnership... I'm not sure what you are looking for in terms of partnership... seriously... two grown adults choosing to have a relationship and build a life together forever (including the purchasing of a home together) seems pretty much like a committed partnership to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (2 June 2011):
Google the cohabitors vows on YouTube. That's what I mean by each one of you having a foot out the door. As far as your livelihood at risk, you could be setting yourself up to being used. Obviously, you look down on marriage, and consider yourselves as most important. I don't feel partnership from your posts, only what the individuals are willing to give up to get, drawers, dogs, get companionship, sex...love for self. For now it's working like a 12 step program.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he telecomutes so he can work from anywhere and he has nothing that ties him to where he lives
as for getting engaged or married neither of us are worried about that or care about that. I don't see cohabitation as settling. I don't see Marriage as the goal... I see being together and being happy as the goal.
i don't see where anyone has two feet out the door or is putting their livilhood at risk... could you explain to me why you see that?
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (2 June 2011):
Why is a man of this age uprooting himself to get a place with you? Is he working? Why are yo settling for cohabitation if you are a fully committed couple? Why have two feet out the door and put your livelihood at risk for a right now? Why not wait to live together until you are engaged to be married?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRe: the animals: the big one is living with a mommy daddy and two kids and other dogs now. He's not living in his crate with me... he runs on the 1.5 acre farmette all day long... he's happy and well cared for and I get daily reports and pictures of him and I will go see him next weekend for a visit.the older dog, she's with me right now but will be going to stay with my ex-sister in law who lives 20 minutes from me and we will see her often.... also will be not living in her crate 8-10 hours at a time... but following a loving "mommy" around all day.... lounging on the couch or out in the yard in the sun....AND I can take them both back at any time. IT is really what's best for the pups... living alone at home in a crate while your mom is at work, the gym or out on a date is no life.... As for him... well sometimes I call him "shithead boy" he can be a total jerk.... but he's MY total jerk....
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 May 2011):
 :( A little sad you have to give up your animals..They become part of the family after a while. Let's hope this man is well worth it.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Iknew That ! "Friends " is never wrong :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to update all of you on my drawer situation....I still have a drawer.and I also have half the closet, a shelf in the fridge and the bathroom. oh and my pillows on my side of the bed.we are now a fully committed coupleI am there nearly every weekend...and often during the week. In fact due to an emergency we spent 9 out of the last 10 days together...he is MOVING DOWN HERE around the end of the year and we will be getting a place together...as for my dogs....the big one has gone to live on a farm with friendsthe older one is going to a family friend on foster care it was the best thing for the dogs they now both have full time SAHMs to take care of them... I admit that this was NOT what either of us planned... nor was it expected on anyone's part... Thanks again to everyone who offered opinions and conversation.
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 'Aint Love Grand!'
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I am currently the ONLY female at the apartment. But he pointed out that he keeps the drawer empty and available at all times for his "special" person... so yes I'm top of the heap.
Our relationship continues to grow and change and intensify... we just had two weekends in a row back to back.. he's being affectionate in front of mutual friends.. it's harder and harder for him to let me go home on Sundays...
I used to leave in the early afternoon... then I left as soon as it was dark (so I didn't have to drive with the sun directly in my face)... now it's like 2 hours after sundown...
and we are planning our next huge weekend which is a special weekend for my birthday....
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (1 March 2011):
He's downplaying it because he doesn't want to put pressure on himself. Like CindyCares says, I really don't think he's given any other woman a drawer.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 March 2011):
Again, it's early . You only met in November ! He can't consciously and purposefully mean something by offering you a drawer - yet, it's a sign. Small but interesting.
A sign of what ? Well, that he wants you to be a recurring , frequent guest. And , most probably, the only female guest.
I have never met anybody who had a chest of drawers with Betsy's undies and lipsticks in the first drawer and Molly's in the second and Jane's in the third etc.etc. Even if ,I guess, in theory it's possible :)
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 never say never! you have only been seeing each other since November so its early days yet. he sounds like a nice guy :)
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I saw him last weekend again... and I did ask him... and it doesn't mean anything other than it's to make my life easier... I will always go to him not the other way around...
there's very little chance of us ending up together permanently but while we are together it's great.
I want to thank everyone for their input and support...
...............................
A
female
reader, swiftone  +, writes (25 February 2011):
Wow you have a lot of dogs!! They sound lovely by the way. I hope it all works out for you. Keep us up to date xx
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 February 2011):
hi
it is sweet that he wants you to have a little place in his home to keep your things. don't read any more into it than that though, just go with the flow. it could also mean that he likes his house kept tidy and would rather you confine all your belongings to a drawer rather than leave things lying around all over the place, either way, he is showing you that your are welcome in his home
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, TeaLady +, writes (23 February 2011):
 He does not want you to move in with him or he would say it directly. Men are simple and easy to understand. A drawer is a drawer and no hidden meaning!
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (22 February 2011):
"I have 3 a lab, a pit bull and a giant long coated dog" "he cannot be around my dogs" This is really making me smile. Maybe sometime in the future you'd consider kenneling your dogs for a few days. For me what started out as 'wow, this is really cool' turned into me throwing my proverbial 'rules' out the proverbial 'window'. Reminds me of a line from an old B.B. King song 'I did what I did before love came to town'. Carpe diem, seize the day! What a great way to start things, no pressure, no expectations, just being in the moment. It will be interesting to see where this new adventure takes you two. I wish you all the best!
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (22 February 2011):
Wow, that's a lot of big dogs, the pit bull would make me phobic, too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat kinds of dogs do I have: I have 3 a lab, a pit bull and a giant long coated dog...(a great Pyrenees) he can't be around them because he is phobic about dogs as well as allergic...
as for set in his ways oh yes... he's 37 and never married... he's very set in his ways.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow... I don't see him as wanting to be that serious with me. Or I didn't... you guys are opening my eyes to the fact that maybe he wants to re-write the rules we set up originally.
He knows I can't and won't move and neither will he. He also knows I'm not in a position or mindset to be very serious with him.
I adore this guy... I do... I like being with him.... I like the fun we have... but I can't see us on a day to day full time permanent basis... and he knows this... I've been totally honest with him about that... and to be honest I left that part out... See our relationship was supposed to be just fun and games for both of us
all of you ROCK with your answers... thanks so very much! I truly appreciate it.
...............................
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (22 February 2011):
"he cannot be around my dogs" what kind of dogs do you have?
"it was our first full weekend together" Terrific.
"He turned to me and said 'we are both old enough to know what it means that you have a drawer at my place' I don't want to be presumptuous... so what does he mean?" "This guy is a huge commitment phobe" It means he is welcoming you into his life, not just his sex life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! This guy is a huge commitment phobe.. hence the reason he has opted to date a woman 2 hours away who has a busy life already...
I did leave a few things...
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I think he was saying that jokingly, but at the same time offering closet space and a drawer means he's very serious about committing to you, but like CindyCares said, don't go buying a wedding dress, but it does mean he's interested in a more serious relationship. He cares about you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): It means, very clearly, that he wants you to feel that you belong there and nobody else does.
IF another woman came in, and looked in the closet and saw a bunch of clothing for a woman and her undies and toiletries, she's know right away that the guy had another woman...and she doesn't have to hide.
He's telling you that you can drop in any time, be there any time, and not have to make a special bag to come, but keep everything you need there.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Haha, CindyCares, that episode is a good one. And she's right OP, it is a step toward commitment. Or rather one of the stages in commitment that some men will take. It's for your convenience as much as his reassurance that you'll be back. By leaving things like cloths at his house, it means you'll be back, at least in the male mind.
It's a step, not a huge step, but a step forward none the less.
I hope you smiled and thanked him.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (22 February 2011):
Even I'm old enough to know what a drawer in a man's house means!
It means he's comfortable and confident enough in this relationship for you to start leaving some of your things at his house. Such as a toothbrush, any necessary toiletries (even tampons, douche might be a little much), clothing, under garments, shoes, etc. In other words, he's in it for the long haul and eventually wants you to move in down the road.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 February 2011):
I am more optimistic than Swiftone, who is probably
too young for having watched "Friends " the first time around, or for wanting to watch the re-runs now, so she does not know about the well known episode where Chandler gives Janice one of his drawers :)
Yeah, the drawer is - or used to be ? - pretty symbolic- and the first step for committment-phobic guys on the road to surrender.
It means : you are welcome to come back, - I want you back and I see this thing between us going on at least for the next future and I don't see myself ending it anytime soon.
Don't rush to order your bridal gown yet, though, LOL. The drawer is an encouraging sign, but it's early days yet to be sure about the developments...
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Maybe he just wants you to leave some stuff at his place, so that when you do go and visit, you're not lugging around a massive bag of stuff.
I did this once, had some clothes and toiletries at an ex's, so if i ever stayed the night, i had fresh clothes and shampoo and make up there to use in the morning.
Maybe he wants to see more of you, and is willing to make you feel comfortable incase you do stay over unexpectedly in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, charitysend +, writes (22 February 2011):
I'm with a guy right now who's awesome at communication. He's taught me a lot by his example in just asking when he's wondering about something.
This is a situation where you're gonna have to ask. You are definitely old enough to have real and honest communication.
You might try, "I was thinking about what you said. I guess I'm not old enough to know what it means that I have a drawer at your place (chuckle a little here). To me it means (insert something here) What does it mean to you?"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): I think it might mean, and don't hold me to this; that he likes you a lot. If he gives YOU some space in HIS drawer and closet I think he expects you to stay over a bit, not totally move in but staying over some nights.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): It means that he is committed. That on some level you are over enough that you have your own "space".
I too am in an LDR. I have a drawer and the bottom shelf of his medicine cabinet. :)
His sister once found my make up bag - I cant take my creams or mascara or lip gloss on a plane, so I keep some there - she asked whos it was, and he said, it was mine. She stole my mascara lol
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (22 February 2011):
His line is kind of cheezy, instead of playing along with his vailed attempt at making a "commitment" by giving you a drawer for your stuff, why did you not ask him to say what he means and mean what he says as you are both old enough to do that.
I would say it is a good sign, but I don't really like the way he presented it to you.
And by the way, why can't he be around your dogs? What do you plan to do about your dogs if this relationship get's serious? I don't know of a good reason why he can't be around your dogs, there are shots for allergies, and medication and dogs can be bathed weekly to alleviate allergy symptoms if that is it. I am getting some glimpse that this guy might be pretty set in his ways and controlling, look out for other signs of that because controlling men are often abusers and it can take a long time before that mask slips...just a heads up to pay attention to red flag behavior and if you don't know what red flag behaviors are then do some research on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair +, writes (22 February 2011):
It means you are in a committed relationship and that he wants to be with you more and for you to spent more nights, weekends, holidays there. Well done. Seriously it's a great thing and you should be honoured that you have that drawer. I hope it goes well.
Good Luck
E
...............................
A
female
reader, sophisticated08 +, writes (22 February 2011):
 it sounds like he is wanting you to move in with him... if thats the case then tell him you arent ready to move in just yet... your not sounding presumptions if you ask him what does that mean.. you just want to know because your a little confused... maybe you and him should have a talk to see where the both of you want this relationship to go
...............................
A
female
reader, swiftone +, writes (22 February 2011):
I wouldnt look into it too much. He may have been having a bit of a joke with you. I dont really think it means anything. I am a bit younger than you though and its just my opinion. All the best :)
...............................
|
