A
female
age
41-50,
*ylieekristina
writes:View points and opinions please!! Should there be "rules" in a relationship in regards to friends of the opposite sex? In regards to your ex lovers? My boyfriend doesn't want me talking to any men on the phone or by email. I work in a bar so he says i get enough attention from the opposite sex at work, I shouldn't burden him with more to be jealous over........what do you think about this? He also feels this way because he doesn't talk to any women out of respect for me and our relationship.
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female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (3 June 2011):
kylieekristina is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow! Thank you so much for all of the honest and well thought out feedback. Just about every response I recieved helped me put things in a little better perspective or helped me wrap my head around these rules on the table. Ohgetreal helped me not feel like he is too controlling. I hear that about him/the things he does quite often and it was nice to hear a different point of view. I don't feel he's too controlling most of the time. Like you said, he is very big about respect and he wants the same respect he is giving me which if fine. I'm having a problem with this because it started out we are not to talk to anyone we had any type of sexual moments/conversations/relationships with. Now he has made it clear that me talking to any man on the phone or by email upsets him. He feels that anything I talk to them about I should be talking to him about. He says there is nothing or should be nothing I need to discuss with the opposite sex. He is here for me for whatever I may need. He said he is on his job as my man therefore I have no reason to "reach out" to another. Some asked how I would feel if he were talking to women by phone , email , whatever..... I trust him so I would try to be "ok" with it. I feel I would have to. But to be honest on the inside it may make me a little jealous. Lucklily I have a very respectful man when it comes to dealing with other women, so much that if he does talk to a female for business or otherwise I feel very secure that he's keeping her in line as well as himself. He has women hitting on him all the time, and I mean all the time, everywhere we go, He's younger than I , has long beautiful hair, and in complete rock hard shape from head to toe....He has better abs and longer hair than me!! lol I asked to feedback because in previoousl relationships if a man tried to even think about putting "rules" in motion I was outta there!! I considered it controlling and insecure and felt that i could be friends with and talk to and even hang out with who i want when i want, and no one could tell me otherwise. Now that I'm growing up a little and head over heels in love with this man I'm trying to be more compromising and understanding. I care how things make him feel. I want him to always smile when he thinks or hears about me. Thanks again to everyone!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Wow, your bf sounds really controlling and insecure to me.
I think this sounds really unhealthy. I don't trust men that don't have any female friends and I cant belive the feedback you have received here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I don't care what my GF does with male friends (and she has quite a few) short of sleeping at their houses. I wouldn't trip over it unless she was spending a ton of time with one particular guy.
As far as ex-BFs it's about the same, I only care if she's spending A LOT of time in contact with someone and/or I get the feeling she's not over him.
Maybe I'm too lenient. But I have yet to be cheated on as far as I know. One girl swears (even long after we have broken up) that I'm the only guy in her last 3 years of college that she didn't cheat on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I think he's right for the most part. What business does anyone in a good relationship have talking to an ex? Exes should be automatically off-limits. Same goes for former crushes as well.
As for talking or emailing with any men on a strictly platonic basis, the test of appropriateness should be the following:
1. Would you be comfortable with the conversation if your boyfriend were also reading or listening to them?
2. Would you be comfortable if your boyfriend were having the same kinds of conversations with a woman?
3. In the course of time, would you be able to stop talking to him if feelings were to develop, or you were to learn that he was developing feelings toward you?
4. Would you be comfortable with this other man's girlfriend seeing the sort of conversations you're having with him.
I believe that men and women can be acquaintences, but spending hours emailing or talking or texting should indeed be out of the question. If your boyfriend isn't lighting you up every time you see him, you should evaluate the health of your current relationship.
As far as the premise "Don't talk to men after hours because your job puts you in contact with them" is pretty absurd though. You work in a bar. That's your profession. Likewise, if one of your male co-workers were to call the house and ask you to cover his shift, your boyfriend shouldn't freak out about that.
He is, however, right about respect. If any aspect of your friendship with another man doesn't respect the boundaries of your current relationship, then it is out of bounds.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I think a lot of relationships do have some "rules" about dealing with exes and friends of the opposite sex. However, saying you can't so much as talk to men outside of work since being at work means you're around lots of men is pretty over the top. I can't imagine he doesn't have any women he knows. He can't control you that much out of sheer jealousy. There are other men in the world and it's not fair to completely isolate you from half the population because he's insecure. You two need to find ways you can work around this so he doesn't feel threatened and you don't feel confined. He is, to be blunt, just going to have to deal with the fact that you are in a world where other men exist who you want to be friends with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011):
In my opinion: YES!
I feel the same as your boyfriend! I don't talk to other women outside of work without my girlfriend's presence or consent. She feels a need to continue to do this despite the fact that she, like you, works in a social setting and gets plenty of attention from men at work. They hit on her all of the time. Also, she seems to think it is okay to keep her past lovers as friends and I don't like this. I don't keep mine.
Now, I am not saying my rules will work for everyone, but there need to be some boundaries set whatever they are. Not having any boundaries at all will create trust issues. His may or may not be reasonable, but work together to come up with some you can both live with.
Possible areas that need boundaries (from a web site I found and I am paraphrasing):
VEHICLES: Sharing a vehicle alone with a member of the opposite sex
MEALS: Eating meals together with a member of the opposite sex
PHONE CALLS: Keep calls pointed. Don’t connect with an opposite gender person more than it seems their spouse is–VERY easy to do with IMs, blogs, chat rooms and texting!
PERSONAL CONVERSATIONS: Don’t talk cross gender about marriage problems, struggles, and frustrations.
COMPLIMENTS: this is an area of high need for most people. Seasoned and matured people have learned to deal with stray flattery and even honest compliments. We all want and need to be complimented. But beware of frequent compliments toward the same person or received FROM the same person too often.
DRESS: If YOU are the focus of your dress rather than the function you need to perform that day, reconsider WHY you are dressing the way you are. If you are hoping to be noticed and given attention…discipline yourself. If you want to flaunt what you've got, then flaunt it when you are out with your partner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Honestly he went into the relationship knowing you work at a bar, I think it's disrespectful to talk to several guys at once but I think it is selfish of him to put you on lock down like that, he sounds slightly insecure to me. Trust until there is good reason not to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I think both of you should sit down and talk it out. Be gentle and non-aggressive about this. It is the best way to work it out. If you love him and want to stay with him, then you should take the time to be understanding and find an agreement that will make both of you happy.
I could understand how he might be jealous of you working at a bar and emailing the men you meet (assuming that is who you are emailing).
Would you be okay with him talking on the phone with and emailing women from work?
There should definitely be clear rules about what is okay, when, and with whom. In my relationship if we talk to a member of the opposite sex we tell each other about it and we are open about it, if he wants to see the emails so he can put his mind at ease then I let him, if I want to see the texts to a girl he has been talking to, then he lets me see them too.
We also have no contact with our exes outside of a hello when we see them somewhere. Personally, I think this is the best way to handle previous partners.
But I recommend you sit down with him, talk it through and make sure both of you are clear and happy about the boundaries you are setting.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I think it is your relationship and the two of you have to make your own rules and set your own boundaries, by that I mean set your own rules for what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.
I think your boyfriend has set his own boundary with respect to other males and ex lovers. I think it is a sign of maturity and commitment to not triangulate your relationship with your exes and to do what is in the best interest of protecting your partnership.
Less mature, more selfish people will tell you he is being controlling, he accepts you'll be receiving male attention, he just doesn't want you crossing boundaries, that's respect, not control.
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