A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:Can someone please give me advice on whether or not to keep in touch with my ex? We dated for 5 years he is 30 i am 25. Most say it was emotionally abusive from his part(calling me fat, no good, yelling) et but there were good times. He ended the realtionship and came back but I eventually have decided enough was enough and that i need warthm and a real man. But why do i feel guilty? I keep battling myself thinking no dont go back, but if you leave you cant never go back? Its like a part of me wants to leave and has left, but a part of me is scared and wonders what if I make the wrong decision what if he was really the one? Even though he has been a jerk to me many times there were some nice moments. I have never been wih anyone else and its scary. Its two months that he has been begging to come back since he said i took you for granted but I have not accepted. Im starting to feel pressure that I must decide even though i truly do not know if the grass is greener on the other side. Should i keep contact with him? Do you think he can change? it SEEMS LIKE EVERYTIME I TELL HIM I DONT WANT TO SEE HIM he gets angry and curses me out. Its like everything has to be in his time and in his way. But i'm scared that i am making a mistake..I mean as sad as this sounds I do feel for this man even though he called me fat before(im 5'3 125lbs) and he has spit on me and told me to get out of the car when he was mad. But then there are nice moments. Im so confused? should i not keep contact. should I wish him a happy birthday? i mean i dont want to talk to him but i'm also well a small part of me is unsure if I want to completely forget about him.HELP!!
View related questions:
emotionally abusive, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (24 February 2011):
No don't go back to him. You already know what it's like to be with him. And don't stay in contact with him. Cut off all contact with him. You are NOT making a mistake by leaving him and wanting to stay away from him. Don't give in to his pressure, he's trying to weaken you so he can continue to abuse you. Stay strong.
The reason you want to go back is because - like many victims of emotionally abusive relationships - your self esteem and confidence has been so eroded by the abuse that you're actually dependent on the relationship even though it also damaged you. It's not healthy to be dependent on something that's harmful to you.
"Even though he has been a jerk to me many times there were some nice moments. "
Another reason you are doubting yourself is because there were good times too. Realize that most abusive relationships - both physically and emotionally abusive - have "good times" as well as the abusive times. No person is completely 100% "bad" so of course there will be times of peace and OK-ness. If an abuser was always abusive and never nice to you, it would in a way be easier to leave so you would have left long ago the minute it began. But because sometimes (or even, most of the time) the abuser is not abusing you and is normal or nice and caring towards you, this confuses you into thinking that the relationship is "good" or at least that it's not all that bad. But ultimately, abuse is still abuse and its harmful effects on your emotional and mental health can't be ignored nor will they just go away by themselves which is why it's not good for you to be in an abusive relationship.
Here are some links on emotional (and other types of) abuse. Notice the second link talks about how abuse usually occurs in cycles, interspersed with periods of relative calm and peace (which is what makes victims hold on emotionally to the relationship and think that maybe this makes up for the abuse).
http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Notice also that the advice is usually to leave such a relationship especially if your emotionally abusive partner doesn't even acknowledge that he is doing anything bad. People who are abusive have to recognize that they are being abusive, and take responsibility, and WANT to change and to work on themselves if there is to be any hope of the relationship improving. So your partner would have to do a LOT of inner work and make progress in that if there is to be any hope for the relationship, and from your post it sounds like he's no where near anything of that sort. As long as he's nowhere near changing himself, then the only thing that's left is just for the victim (i.e. you) to just carry on coping with the abuse and enduring more and more, because left unchecked abuse will usually worsen over time not just stay the same.
Another reason you feel guilty (besides eroded self esteem from the emotional abuse) could be that maybe you're also co-dependent. People who are co-dependent make "good" victims for people who are abusive, because co-dependent people tend to stay in very painful relationships much longer than non-codependent people would, and take the abuse believing it's their fault or their responsibility.
"part of me is scared and wonders what if I make the wrong decision what if he was really the one? "
Do you think that he can really be "the one" during those times that he treats you like crap? He may have his good qualities (again, no one is 100% bad) but he is a package deal - with his good qualities comes his abusive qualities too. The fact is that despite whatever good qualities you see in him, his abusive nature has really damaged you. The person who is "the one" for you, cannot by definition be someone who destroys you. The person who is "the one" for you, wouldn't be someone who would spit on you. You also say he's the only person you've ever been with, you have no other relationship to compare this against. So how can you know that he is "the one", if you've never known anything or anyone else? Remind yourself of these things when you find yourself second guessing yourself.
You've taken a huge step towards taking care of yourself and protecting yourself, by leaving him, and this is very commendable. Many victims of abusive relationships are so messed up from the abuse that they can't even see or admit how messed up they are. Stay strong, and don't get sucked back in. Right now having just come out of the relationship you're still under its influence which is probably why you're full of doubt. But when more time has passed you'll be able to step back and see the situation more clearly. Stay strong as stay away from him, cut off all contact with him.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Hi Alexia, I remember you PMed me some time ago about this guy so I remember that the issues where beyond him calling you fat ( which is not nice anyway ).
You said it yourself, you are just scared. He is the only reality that you have known in terms of relationships, so even if it's a reality that sucks, that's what you got used to and came to feel, in a weird way , comfortable with. Better the devil you know....
It does not have to be this way - have the courage to believe that you deserve better and you are gonna find it... in another man. And, supposing this is not so immediate, suppose it takes time, even a long time...
well, better alone than abused and walked all over !
And please, use some logic, being in love does not give you the right to be irrational :)-
He has been a jerk and made you miserable MANY times, but he also gave you SOME nice moments.... Can you see the inbalance here ? Is it really worthy being A LOT miserable, just to get A LITTLE attention in return ?
And, is he ever gonna change ? Of course not, why should he ? People never change, unless they really want it badly. And how would he be motivated to change and treat you better- he knows that he can treat you any way he wants, makes no difference, you'll still be there with a sign over you that says : " Please kick me ". Not a strong motivaton to change , uh ?
YOU need to change- you need to get unstuck once for all from this relationship that has run its course. It's no fun living in the past, it's time for you to look forward.
And, IMO, the only way you can do that is by cutting any contact with this man. No texts, no birthday wishes- just drop him like tha bad habit he is !
...............................
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (24 February 2011):
 He will not change more than likely he has a low conscience low empathy personality disorder which scientific research has shown is permanent. He has low character..he's toxic to you and abusive. Men like this use manipulation and brain washing techniques that act like super glue in these relationships.
You are experiencing ping pong thinking is he good is he bad type of thoughts because his tactics create cognitive dissonance in you because of the abuse and then he's nice. Also, our brains are hardwired to be able to recall in more detail positive memories over painful ones otherwise women would never give birth more than once.
Because he will never change and always hurt you you must cut all contact with him forever. The longer you stay the more harm to you.
An excellent resource for you is to read the articles at saferelationshipsmagazine.com. No I am not working for them it is an excellent place to learn from an expert in abusive relationships with toxic disordered men.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 February 2011):
I think you know that keeping any contact with him is a bad, bad idea! It really is. Don't even consider it. You're headed in a new direction in your life, which should be positive and better for yourself. No one deserves to be emotionally abused by their significant other. He's spit on you, that's battery! Don't wish him a happy birthday, keep him out of your life, change your phone number. If he has the ability to contact you, it will only make it harder for you to move on. Don't feel bad for him, he should feel bad for how he's treated you and let you move on and be happy. If he cared for you, he would know that he's a complete asshole and that you deserve better.
...............................
|
