A
female
age
36-40,
*oodleness
writes:Hello Cupids :)This is complicated so thank you in advance to those who get to the end!I've been with my boyfriend just over a year now, I am 24, he is 31 and I really should feel lucky to be with him, but instead I am ruining this relationship slowly and painfully from the inside out. I dont know how much more either of us can deal with it.In my last relationship, I was with someone who CONSTANTLY cyber-cheated on me, he had multiple dating site accounts, email addresses and online personas, he behaved sexually on chat sites, webcams and through social networking sites behind my back. I spent four years feeling worthless, unattractive and not good enough. Although I had a great job, I treated my friends and family badly and let my confidence bomb. He had an awful attitude towards work, socialising and basically life in general, the very select few times we went out, alone or with anyone it ended in an argument because he was controlling and I was paranoid. I would search through his phone and computer at every opportunity, always finding something, and always confronting him, but never having the courage or confidence to leave. I finally did it upon meeting my current boyfriend, who made me feel like a million dollars.I went back to college, sorted out my social life, started making plans and my life completely turned around. I became independant and confident, I think Ive been out and done more with him in the last year than I ever did with my ex in four years!I've had a few slip ups - I've looked through his phone a few times and gone mad over misinterpreted things. He's always been understanding and offered to show me anything I want to look at, to prove he wouldnt do anything behind my back. He makes a massive effort with my family and friends, and has introduced me to all of his. He wants us to move in together, always calls or texts when he says he will and never, ever lets me down. He stands by me and my decisions or plans 100%.But recently my insecurities have all come flooding out and I dont know how to cope with them. In the last week or two I've checked his phone pretty much every time I've been with him, I've gotten mad with him for his FRIEND adding his ex girlfriend on facebook, I've shouted at him for getting me chocolates for valentines day (I'm not a really big chocolate eater - but I know he is really broke at the moment - and told him it proved he just 'doesnt get me'). I took huge offence when in a mutual conversation he said he'd only ever slept with girls he had found really attractive (well, thats obvious?!) because I felt like he was saying I have to compete in looks with these other women. I know what 4 of the women he's been with look like, and although I dont think I'm attractive, they definately aren't, so it makes me think he thinks these girls that arent attractive are better than me! I hate myself for typing that, I'm mortified, because I'm an intelligent person and this is making me feel shallow and low. I've tried to talk to him, he says he understands, but thats not what I want at the time. What I want at the time is for him to tell me I am the most beautiful women he's ever been with, that I am better than them. But I have no idea why. I've never questioned my self worth since I've been with him, so I dont know where this has come from.I'm obsessed with his past and compare myself to everyone he's been with. I become positive he's doing something suspicious, and constantly question his motives for everything. I know it's my issue, but then I get angry with him when he agree's with that, even though he offers his support, I want him to take some responsibility, but realistically (dont get me wrong, he's done a few things that havent helped - kept photo's of ex's on a phone he offered me when mine was broken, failed to tell an ex about me when she was bugging him to meet up, etc) I know, in my heart of hearts he's done nothing wrong. I just dont seem to want to accept it. He thinks its because of my last relationship, and I have to realise that letting go and trusting someone doesnt mean that I will be hurt or let down.I wonder if having 'space' or a 'break' would help, but I dont see him LOADS, I work during the week days and he works two nights on, two nights off, so I dont know if that would help or not? I've put this idea forward to him and he said he's willing to do it if it makes me feel better, but thats not what he wants.I'm literately at my wits end, I feel stupid and useless, I cant see a way out of this fog so would really appreciate if someone, somewhere can pull me out of it!
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female
reader, Noodleness +, writes (25 February 2011):
Noodleness is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone, you are all wonderful XXX
I know I need to sort this out, I will think about counselling and do some research into local places that could help. I am also going to start talking to my friends about how I'm feeling (I do have a good social network, so it makes even less sense for me to feel like this).
I know I'm being unreasonable and it's unfounded - I will stop pushing him away and try to work with him rather than against him because I know he's being great, but can only take so much - afterall, he's only human!
Thank you for the proverbial yanking out of the fog - I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and respond. X
A
female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Dear Noodleness,
It's clear to both of us (and your current boyfriend!) that your last relationship has left you quite damaged. However, it sounds like you went straight from one boyfriend to the other, using your current boyfriend to fix unresolved issues from this past breakup. It's easily done, however it is only ever going to be a quick-fix for deeper problems.
While I think it's great that your new boyfriend is so supportive I'm afraid he is right when he says it's your issue and you will push him away if this goes on. I think logically you know that you have nothing to worry about with this guy, but you're too used to worrying about your partner. Try weaning yourself off bad habits like checking his phone, maybe next time you're feeling anxious, go and talk to a friend about it and calm down before you talk to him. It might also be worth talking to someone about your insecurities.
Luckily, it sounds like you have time to fix this, make a real determined effort to understand why you think like this and make slow but steady steps to change it.
Don't despair
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 "In my last relationship" you were with a jack ass.
"my current boyfriend, who made me feel like a million dollars." "never, ever lets me down. He stands by me and my decisions or plans 100%." Great!
"What I want at the time is for him to tell me I am the most beautiful women he's ever been with, that I am better than them." I'm just one man but I would say it is obvious to him you are the "most beautiful" because he is with you.
"I dont know where this has come from." The only thing I can think of is you have unresolved things within yourself that are coming out. Who put them there inside you? An ex, a parent?
"I'm obsessed with his past and compare myself to everyone he's been with. I become positive he's doing something suspicious, and constantly question his motives for everything." He is not the jack ass from your last relationship.
"I've put this idea forward to him and he said he's willing to do it if it makes me feel better, but thats not what he wants." This 31 year old man loves you and is putting your needs ahead of his, for the time being.
"I'm literately at my wits end, I feel stupid and useless, I cant see a way out of this fog so would really appreciate if someone, somewhere can pull me out of it!" From the 'easier said than done' file HE IS NOT YOUR EX. Move on with your current boyfriend. A lot of guys I know would say your behavior suggests you have 'major baggage' and would be long gone, some without even saying goodbye. I sincerely wish you two all the best!
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 You were with a pathological man for four years a guy with a low empathy low conscience personality disorder of the character which is permanent and unchanging. You made a good decision to leave him.Problem is you didn't do any real emotional core healing work. You basically distracted yourself with a fun normal man which didn't allow you to experience the true pain you felt from being abused. Now that you are more serious you are becoming again emotionally enmeshed with thus man like you did the last guy and that's not healthy and can't last long term. You have sort if a post traumatic stress disorder and you need to fund a good therapist who can treat PSTD and preferably be well versed in treating victims of relationships with Axis II Cluster B personality disordered partners. It is not the main priority to make your current relationship last. You must take a step back and do some core work with a trained professional. A place to start reading and educating yourself about this is at saferelationshipsmagazine.com and try gettinbetter.com articles.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): Therapy could be good, you may need to search around abit before you find the right therapist but it's worth it. I think therapy saved my life when I had it. It's good because they will help you see your patterns as clear as day. To be fair, you are already acknowlkedging that you are the one with the problem, not him, which is great.
You are however, really pushing this guy away and you need to do something differently. I think having space may be a good idea, just abit. Also, make time for your friends, is there a friend you can trust to tell all this stuff to, someone who will be helpful and understanding? How about a hobbie to keep your mind busy?
Finally, please remember that you are not alone. We ALL suffer from hideous, gut wrenching insecurities, but it's what you do with them that counts. Example: My bf is going out on a night drinking tomorrow with his male friends and it's driving me nuts! Logically, I know he's not going to cheat. He may have a little flirt and look at the pretty girls, I'm okay with that cos I am a terrible flirt and it really doesnt mean anything to me cos I love my bf to bits. However, there is a part of me that feels terribly insecure and does not want him to go and wants to question him when he gets back, even ask him to not cheat on me! I know the healthy thing to do is to not mention any of this and tell him to have a good night.
Sometimes you HAVE to fight the emotions with logic. Thats what my therapist used to say. Ask yourslef 'Where is the evidence?' You may find you have none, its the past creeping up on you.
Please try to treat him better. You'll hate yourslef if you lose him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): No, taking a break won't work - in fact it's more likely to push you guys apart further. As soon as you get back together, the problem will be there again - because, as you rightly recognize, you have issues with out-of-control jealousy. I'm not judging you for that: in fact, given your last relationship it would be a miracle if you didn't sometimes feel insecure.
I think it's always hard when you reach the point in a relationship where you're taking the commitment a step further. I suspect that emotionally you're becoming more attached to this guy and the greater levels of trust that are involved are triggering these feelings of insecurity.
It's good that you can talk to your boyfriend about this. I suggest that you keep doing that, and keep thanking him for the support he's showing.
I also think you need to find a way to put the brakes on the situation, so you aren't reacting to everything in a highly strung emotional way. Listen - we all feel messed up, snappy, upset, and irritable at times. But it's important to realize that just because we feel that way doesn't mean that we have to act that way (or that we have a right to act that way). It's the things said in the heat of the moment that create the most damage in relationships.
Next time you feel bad about yourself, stop for a second. Realize that these feelings of insecurity come from inside you, not from other people. It's not their fault you feel bad. It's not even your ex-boyfriend's fault. Sure, it sucks that he was an ass, but he's gone now, and you need to take responsibility for your thoughts and behaviour rather than letting the pattern of behaviour he drilled into you rule your mind and reactions and wreck the rest of your life.
Try to identify the particular thoughts that are causing you grief ('I'm not good enough', 'She's prettier than me'). Then come up with a corrective ('I am good enough, I'm doing really well', 'He's with me, not her'). Realise that you're catastrophizing, which means you're turning a minor problem into a major one by linking it up unnecessarily with other issues (so 'I don't like chocolate' becomes 'My boyfriend doesn't get me at all'). Try to avoid this by being more positive and realistic ('I don't like chocolate, but hey it was really sweet of him to buy this for me. He is trying to show he cares even though he's broke and has so many other financial priorities'). If you can keep doing this, your anxieties will start to fade away.
Also, make yourself feel good. Realize that you're a successful, happy, strong young woman - and that makes you really attractive. You have no idea how much guys of all ages will be looking at you and admiring what they see! But if it makes you feel better to get new clothes, new hair, whatever - do it! It's important that you feel confident - because ultimately, however you look externally, confidence and self-possession are far more attractive than insecurity.
Also, recognize that it's not necessarily unhealthy for guys to have exes in their lives. Provided all the feelings have passed, there's nothing wrong with people remaining friends after a relationship (sometimes it's an absolute necessity, as when children are involved). Instead of feeling jealous of these women, or pretending that they don't exist, try to see that they're a natural and inevitable part of his history and past life. He clearly no longer feels anything towards them as all of his actions speak of the deepest respect and love for you! Feeling threatened by them is just going to make you seem like a crazy person, whereas feeling secure in yourself will make you seem all the more grounded and sexy to him!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I really do understand where you are coming from, I've been there. Once someone hurts you and cheats on you, then unless you are made of stone, you worry about it happening to you again in the next relationship. When you are afraid of someone cheating, its so easy to misconstrue everything that the person says or does, and its easy to turn innocent situations into something not so innocent! BUT...you've got to draw the line or eventually more than likely you will lose your guy. It sounds like he's a very good sort, and tries to understand and doesn't get angry at you. But honestly sweetie..you do have a problem and it sounds like its getting worse and worse. You either trust your guy..or you don't. That's the bottom line. If he has never cheated on you, then doesn't he deserve the benefit of the doubt? Maybe its time for you to seek out some counselling. You are a smart girl, and you know what the problem is, but you just can't seem to solve it on your own. There's no shame in asking for help..we all need help sometimes. I don't think taking a break from your guy is the answer, but I definitely think you need to talk to someone who can help you get past the mistrust. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I dont see how a break away from him is going to help you here. You have these insecurities and you need to deal with them or else you will never find someone to settle down with you as you are going to push them away from you. Sometimes the saying goes 'we dont start realising the damage we do until we lose someone that we love'. You talk about small things he has done that has made you fly of the handle. Stop for a minute and put yourself in his shoes and try and see where he is coming from. It sounds to me like he has tried his best and still is trying his best but you shot him down everytime. You yelled at him for buying you a box of chocolates. Turn that around and see how you would feel if he had done that to you. Its the thought that counts and even though he had no money he still tried his best. You need to get help a.s.a.p before you drive him away and then realise how silly you were.
Your insecurities are really bad at the moment and yes this may have to do with your past but you need to let go of that now and move on with your life. You are rid of your ex and now you need to live your life the way you want to. You need to start showing your boyfriend that you love him and that he is worth it. As am sure he sometimes feels like he is worthless when you put him down. Checking up on him is not good either. You are just going to drive yourself crazy and push him out the door. You need to realise that he is not your ex and if you do not trust him then there is no point in being with him.
So you need to work past these issues on your own and show him that you love him, you telling him that a break might be the best way is only probably making him feel like you do not care. Have you concidered therapy? Talking to someone can have huge benefits and they can also talk through your problems with you and help fix them. If you cannot change your behaviour on your own well then you should make an appointment asap. Goodluck Sweetie.
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