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... Send *aptainObvious a private message | | | *aptainObvious's profile:I see a lot of the same themes in the questions asked here, and an awful lot seem to center around people seeking validation though the eyes of the people they perceive as their peers.
I have a weakness for pithy quotations, so here is one that applies to about half the questions posted:
"We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and -- in spite of True Romance magazines -- we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely -- at least, not all the time -- but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don't see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
— Hunter S. Thompson (The Proud Highway: Saga of a Desperate Southern Gentleman 1955-67) |
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I'm clueless with girls and in over my head... Help!
Q. Needed to get this off my chest. Enjoy. I am a 21 year old male living in the US as a student and my name is Aiden. Girls confound me and I know virtually nothing about them and I have very limited experience around them. I have a female best frie...
A. 21 December 2010: I suspect Becky's concern was simply that you not be an opportunist scooping Claire on the rebound.
There has now been a cooling off period, so if you want to pursue a relationship with her now, and objections from Becky would be unreason... (read in full...)
Tell me, is there something I'm doing wrong, and is there something I could do to get out of this position...?
Q. Hi all, I've been single for so long I can't even remember for how long exactly. I haven't exactly had any actual relationships before either, just 2 hook ups and a relationship that lasted 5 months but was long-distance and the guy was abusive....
A. 21 December 2010: I would ask yourself why you feel the need to be in a committed relationship at this point.
Dating is a way of learning the art of relationships.
From your description, that's a lesson at which you've failed.
Perhaps if you stop to realize t... (read in full...)
Boyfriend cheated on me and then doesn't understand that I want space?!
Q. my boyfriend is thai and went away to thailand with his sister for 5 weeks. this is his last week of staying there. only yesterday he told me he slept with another girl within the first week of going there. he said he was so drunk and says he doesnt ...
A. 21 December 2010: Classic passive aggressive behavior, with some drama queen thrown in.
If he's claiming he needs help "detoxing from marijuana" he's either a liar, or mentally deficient.
If he slept with one girl, he probably slept with 50.
I'm not exagger... (read in full...)
So why would he keep the ring she bought for herself?
Q. Hi everyone.. I just have a simple question but rather confusing to me. I dont know if I should call him my boyfriend or just some guy i'm with. His 12 years older but I love him to bits and have loved him now for almost 4 years. A while ago I ...
A. 21 December 2010: Have you asked him straight up why he kept it?
Could be simple laziness.
Reselling a ring is kind of a hassle, especially if it's of significant value.
On the bright side, it does indicate that he's financially stable.
If I had a va... (read in full...)
I'm really questioning my feelings for him but I don't want my children to loose another dad.....
Q. my boyfriend and i have been together for 2yrs and have recently moved in together since doing this he has changed, he goes out drinking all the time, spending my money as he doesnt work, and im starting to really recent him freeloading of me, he is ...
A. 21 December 2010: I was never a drunk, but at one time in my life I did consume an amount most people would consider alarming.
When my 1st daughter was born, I lost interest in getting drunk.
No AA - no drama - just a radical priority shift.
That's normal b... (read in full...)
I'm feeling insecure about myself, even though I shouldn't be!
Q. I seem to be suffering from self-image issues since a break-up about a month ago. Since it happened I've had this overwhelming sense that I need to be "better" at everything. I've always been in great shape, but I have gone to the gym every si...
A. 21 December 2010: I'm the absolute last person to give advice on an exercise regimen, but it sounds like you're versed on the dangers of overdoing it and not allowing your body to regenerate.
So the question is - are you going too far physically?
It's not unco... (read in full...)
He wants to stop having sex until we get married! I don't know how to feel about this.....
Q. Ok my fiance went totally religious on me and were on not going to have Sex anymore untill we get married, let me make it clear that we are engaged with no set date at all :-( this past sunday i went to church with him for the first time and we ...
A. 21 December 2010: Also consider the broader ramifications of his sudden religious epiphany.
What does this church believe?
Do you agree?
Do you want your children raised to believe the same things?
It would not be unreasonable at all for you to s... (read in full...)
Can you ever be friends with a member of the opposite sex?
Q. Hey, this isn't really a problem I was just wondering what everyone thinks on whether guys and girls can ever just be friends? My friends think one will always find the other sexually attractive but is this true? I've had lots of guy friends for ...
A. 21 December 2010: If you're attractive, the guys have noticed.
They may not have acted for various reasons - but they notice.
Some people can handle that sort of sexual tension in a platonic relationship, some can't.
... (read in full...)
Am I right to leave him due to his impotence?
Q. i am married for 5 years now my husband is impotent i am really hurt that he hid this fact from me. i want to leave him now is this my right decision....
A. 21 December 2010: If he misrepresented himself, and has no hope for a solution, then yes.
I'm curious though - why has it taken 5 years?
Be aware though - the shoe may be on the other foot at some point.
It's not uncommon for women to lose their sex drive whe... (read in full...)
Does fighting make a relationship better?
Q. i have been with my 16 year old boyfriend for almost 7 months now, we dont fight at all some people say thats its better to fight sometimes it makes the realationship stronger? would anyone agree? we do have little moods with each other but not big ...
A. 21 December 2010: If you lied, you cheated.
But that's not what you asked.
No, fighting doesn't make a relationship better.
However; it's going to happen from time to time.
What's important is how people deal with conflict in relationships.
And it IS b... (read in full...)
He just won't make the appointment to get us checked after his infidelity. How can I pursuade him without feeling like a bully?
Q. Hello Cupiders, My question is this... I have been with my husband for 5 years, about 1.5 married. In this time he has gotten unprotected oral sex with 8 random men. I have been very worried about STI's, and have told him that. I know all t...
A. 21 December 2010: Don't apologize for writing a lot - there are a lot of aspects to this and you are essentially doing a risk/benefit analysis.
Let's get down to brass tacks here.
"bisexual" as a label isn't all that useful - it comes down to specific behavio... (read in full...)
My boyfriend doesn't get the "butterflies" with me!
Q. My boyfriend told me in a conversation about butterflies, and how he hasn't felt them for a long time. The last time being with this fling/ex of his from years ago - who he concluded was flaky and what he felt was infatuation. I asked him why he ...
A. 21 December 2010: You're over analyzing, and he's being honest.
I love my wife dearly, but there are many women that are more physically attractive.
I would never volunteer that, and she has sense enough not to ask.
It works just as well the other way aroun... (read in full...)
Ex says nothing can change her mind about us!
Q. I need help please I'm so in love with my ex and I can't even think about living with out her right now we are just friends and talks to me like nothing happened and like me feeling sad and even crying in front of her many times I just don't know ...
A. 21 December 2010: What really sucks hard is that I understand where you're coming from and can offer nothing but platitudes.
See, I *know* you'll get through this - probably several times before you find The One.
And years of experience will give you perspec... (read in full...)
Is there a possibility of us contracting STDs?
Q. Both my boyfriend and I are virgins. But both of us have progressed to oral sex. Can I just ask if there will still be a possibility of us contracting STDs if we have sex? Since both of us are virgins and even our individual sexual progressi...
A. 21 December 2010: What the previous posters are saying is kinda like the mantra of the TV show House - Everybody Lies.
They are saying you should assume your BF is lying and he should assume the same.
That's a stance that pretty nearly guaranteed to ke... (read in full...)
Swollen penis... how can I stop this happening?
Q. Hey guys, I'm a 16 year old boy and I'm having a hard time masturbating. It never used to be like this. But the thing is, after I climax my penis gets really swollen and it'll go back to normal the next day. That's one of the reasons why I don't ...
A. 21 December 2010: I don't want to start a flame war, but please disregard the comment from MickeySanchez and follow the advice of CaringGuy instead.
I'm no urologist, but I have successfully owned and operated a penis for half a century.
It's NOT NOT NOT norm... (read in full...)
He just won't make the appointment to get us checked after his infidelity. How can I pursuade him without feeling like a bully?
Q. Hello Cupiders, My question is this... I have been with my husband for 5 years, about 1.5 married. In this time he has gotten unprotected oral sex with 8 random men. I have been very worried about STI's, and have told him that. I know all t...
A. 21 December 2010: What's the real issue here?
There are a number of things that just don't sound right.
You said "in this time" but that's pretty vague.
You are making a pretty hard case for risk of a sexually transmitted disease - and I know you mean aids... (read in full...)
In my dreams my ex is great, in real life he's not! Why the dreams?
Q. Ok I'm 23 currently in a relationship with a sweet guy. We have been dating for over a year. No ones perfect but he's close to it. Lately I have been dreaming about my ex bf. Every night actually for like weeks. Its annoying. I thought I had him ...
A. 21 December 2010: There is no scientific evidence that dreams are anything more significant than the brain exercising it's amazing ability to put together a "coherent" picture from the random firings of neurons.
If anyone tells you otherwise, demand citation... (read in full...)
My Guy Will Be Mad If I Get Him A Christmas Gift.!
Q. what should i get my guy for Christmas when he says he dont want anything from me? hes the type of guy that like to be the provider in the relationship! but hes reining my Christmas spirit because im so use to giving gifts on christmas! should i get ...
A. 21 December 2010: That's typically what we say if we suspect your budget might be strained, or that we'll end up with a lame gift anyway.
The only way he might be offended would be if your budget is significantly higher than his, and he feels trapped between ... (read in full...)
Is my married friend trying to get closer to me without realizing it?
Q. I work with a married couple. I am friends with both of them. I email with the husband frequently about guys I like, men and their behaviors, and sometimes other things going on in the office. I do not talk to him on the phone or outside of the ...
A. 21 December 2010: He isn't the one whose behavior needs to change - it's you who is acting inappropriately.
What you said is that while he has never discussed his personal life with you, you took it upon yourself to discuss your love life with him.
He split some... (read in full...)
How do I know if I'm still in the running?
Q. I am at a loss here. I have tried. I recently heard talking about how she wants to work with this other guy just so they can "make out". Now, I'm not naive enough to think that she's not thinking about other guys, that's obvious that she is...but ...
A. 21 December 2010: You aren't in the running.
Seriously.
It doesn't matter if you move on or not - she already has.... (read in full...)
I am ashamed of my looks...
Q. I am a 20 year old guy and I am gay. I have always been Dusky which made me feel ugly as I'm usually attracted to fair guys and It always makes me think that a fair guy will never fall in love with me. I started using a skin lighting cream which ...
A. 21 December 2010: Some people will like how you look - some won't.
But I'm betting you'll have more satisfying relationships if you come to terms with your self image.
If you want to work out - go for it.
Want to invest in some hip new threads?
That wor... (read in full...)
Do men like lingerie or women naked?
Q. So I got some realllly cute Lingerie at Victoria Secret to wear for my boyfriend the other day and I guess the thought never ran through my head but do guy's really enjoy lingerie or are most men just all for the full blown nakedness?...
A. 21 December 2010: Sexy women are a turn on by definition.
Does the lingerie make you look sexy?
Keep in mind that the more we like it on you, the more we like to see it on the floor.... (read in full...)
He wants to have a kid but I'm definitely NOT ready for it! Help!
Q. Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 months now and he asked me if I would have a kid with him. We are both 15 and I just laughed it off as if he was joking and when he didn't mention it for the rest of the night I thought it was a joke. The next ...
A. 21 December 2010: Everyone is sugar coating their advice to you, and I have no idea why.
You realize that deliberately getting pregnant at 15 is stupid, yet you are undecided whether or not you should stay with someone who has stated he will use your habitual... (read in full...)
Men, would you date a girl with a tattoo?
Q. Not a relationship question and i'm quite sure its probably been asked before but was just wondering what guys think of girls with tattoos, not the big sleeves and manish tattoos just dainty ones and ones that have meaning to the individual? Would ...
A. 21 December 2010: My objection to certain tatoos has nothing to do with any moral stance.
I detest anyone who is a herd follower.
The tramps stamps are the most flagrant example of complete lack of originality.
Three of my daughters have tats.
One has a ... (read in full...)
Until this weekend I felt used and was building a lot of resentment, now I feel like an abusive jerk.
Q. I recently had a really really bad argument with a woman I have been dating for a little over a year. The problem I'm having is that I said some TERRIBLE things to her and I feel awful for it. I guess the best place to start is from the beginning. ...
A. 21 December 2010: I think you already know the answer, and while I don't want to discourage you from reaching out for people to talk to, I wonder if what you seek from this forum is advise - or validation.
One should never apologize for feelings.
If one acts i... (read in full...)
In love with a married man, how do I say 'no' when my heart says yes?
Q. Okay, here is the deal. I am in college, but right now I am on winter break. My sister, still in high school, and I went to go watch her boyfriend in a school performance. The teacher I used to have a crush on was there. I gave up on anything ...
A. 21 December 2010: You don't have to say anything.
Just don't go back to her school.
He's married, he's a teacher, it's unlikely that anything will happen unless you create the situation.
Don't do it.... (read in full...)
So why would he keep the ring she bought for herself?
Q. Hi everyone.. I just have a simple question but rather confusing to me. I dont know if I should call him my boyfriend or just some guy i'm with. His 12 years older but I love him to bits and have loved him now for almost 4 years. A while ago I ...
A. 21 December 2010: Etiquette isn't just for Dear Abby and Ann Landers.
Historically, the man buys the ring and it only becomes the woman's upon marriage or promise of marriage, and if that promise is broken, the man gets the ring back.
In modern relationships, p... (read in full...)
I keep driving away the girls I like by being a wuss!
Q. Hi, im looking after some really needed advice or a point in the right direction. the only problem i keep having with my realtionships is limited to girls that are really attractive or i consider special. i turn into the nicest guy/wuss which drives ...
A. 21 December 2010: Define "being a wuss."
If you mean that you let them walk all over you, you clearly either have a self esteem issue, or really are dating girls out of your league.
Everyone can cite an exception to the rule, but generally speaking 2's don... (read in full...)
Mixed feelings for the guy I'm dating.
Q. I have mixed feelings for the guy I am dating. He lives out of town and we saw each other 4 months ago. Things were so/so but we continued to stay in touch as we seem to have some chemistry, albeit sexual. He's coming out over the holidays but...
A. 21 December 2010: Ok - so you aren't in love with him, but you have a sexual relationship.
Unless the guy is an idiot, he can see your ambivalence, yet he is still willing to be with you.
You pick him apart, but still have sex with him.
Are you conflicted ov... (read in full...)
Can a man overlook he's ladies past and just want to love and protect her?
Q. Hi, guy's, i have a concern that I'm scared about and would really appreciate your feedback and words of wisdom. I'm a wonderful loving lady, but my past has been a nightmare. Recently I've met a beautiful man who I'm scared to love. He thinks I'm ...
A. 21 December 2010: So what I'm hearing is that a mental health professional who you trust professionally, at least to the extent that you've continued therapy, has advised that entering into a relationship would currently be unwise for you.
So you've logged onto a w... (read in full...)
Am I defective? I can't have an orgasm
Q. Im 20 now and have been in a relationship or a while and no matter what i do ive never gotten an orgasim. I cant seem to give myself one and my boy friend isnt having any luck wither. Is there a possiblity that not all women get the pleasure o ...
A. 21 December 2010: Yes, you are defective.
However, your defect can likely be fixed - by you.
Don't make your orgasm his goal before you can reach orgasm on your own.
There are plenty of written and visual references that give in depth guidance on different me... (read in full...)
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