A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, guy's, i have a concern that I'm scared about and would really appreciate your feedback and words of wisdom. I'm a wonderful loving lady, but my past has been a nightmare. Recently I've met a beautiful man who I'm scared to love. He thinks I'm perfect, but I'm not. I was battered by my dad throughout my childhood up till I was 26 years old. I left my home for University. I graduated. Everyman that I've met has been a nightmare of some sorts. I'm in therapy at the moment and I have been advised to abstain from relationships. But I'm lonely, I miss having someone to hold. I'm terrified of starting a relationship with a man because when my last ex boyfriend found out about my past he laughed at me and said I was a looser, that I'm ugly to him and a mess. He was full of joy at the fact that I was abused. I'm scared that this man I've met will react the same way. Will I ever be loved when they find out about my past and the nightmare men I had in my life. I have only had three partners. Can a man overlook he's ladies past and just want to love and protect her? Or do I continue to lie and hide .......thanxs guy's
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 December 2010):
The right man will look past just about anything. You should never need to lie, and he will never use it against you.
The problem I think you've had is the same as many others have had in your situation. You were abused by your father, and where therefore naturally drawn to other abusive men.
I think it's great that you've gone to a therapist, because already you've found yourself attracted to a better guy. You've just got to take things slowly whatever happens, and continue to see your therapist.
This guy thinks you're perfect, and you are to him. Your past doesn't need to affect your future anymore.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): Yes, particularly if you are open and honest with him.
I found out the hard way about my gf's past, and it almost ended our relationship...because of the lying and hiding of it.
Stop that, work with your counselor, and if this guy is so great you need to have him understand you and what you are dealing with. Couples counseling at this point in your life, so he can understand you and so you can understand how you will deal with a maturing relationship with him, will go a long way toward preventing terrible problems in the future.
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A
male
reader, CaptainObvious  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 So what I'm hearing is that a mental health professional who you trust professionally, at least to the extent that you've continued therapy, has advised that entering into a relationship would currently be unwise for you.
So you've logged onto a website hoping that complete strangers will give you a different answer?
If you have been abused in each and every one of your relationships, the abuse isn't your fault, but you are clearly not currently qualified to select a romantic partner - so don't.
It really isn't relevant who broke you - you're still broken.
Get fixed first - then start out fresh.
Past history is an uncanny predictor of future performance.
Odds are that whether you realize it consciously or not, you are self selecting abusive men.
You need to figure out how to fix that behavior or you're putting yourself at further risk.
It's ok to be alone - it's ok to be lonely - it's ok to feel lost.
These are feelings that can be overcome, whereas the fallout from yet another bad relationship could cause damage from which you'll never recover.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 A man who loves you won't see past abuse as something to blame on you. He will want to care for you and treat you like you were the most fragile thing on Earth.
I don't think you should lie to such a man, if you happen to find one. The difficulty lies in knowing whether he is sensitive enough to be the man I described. Or, whether he loves you enough.
Good luck.
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