A
male
age
41-50,
*0812
writes:I recently had a really really bad argument with a woman I have been dating for a little over a year. The problem I'm having is that I said some TERRIBLE things to her and I feel awful for it. I guess the best place to start is from the beginning. When I first met her things seemed pretty good...she is beautiful, smart and has a lot of charm. However, within a month or so she started asking me to help her with college algebra. At first I gladly said yes (she was so far behind), but soon after I found myself constantly doing problems for her and even taking online tests (which I did not feel comfortable doing). After awhile It got to the point where I would get off of work and go straight to her apartment and do math until 1 am (while she watched TV) and then get a few hours sleep before going to work the next day. Finally, I told her that if I was going to help she would have to sit with me and learn as well as take her own tests...she said ok so I was happy with that. During this period we became physically intimate with each other, but before intimacy I always had to do math and I was starting to get frustrated and feeling used. Then came december and when I finally finished the semester she asks me to buy a very expensive jacket. I told her I couldn't and got what I thought would be a nice gift anyway. When I gave her the gift she seemed irritated so I explained how I felt I was being used...that turned into an argument with her telling me that I didn't trust her enough and if I did I wouldn't feel used. And because I can be very passive and insecure at times (I do admit it, but I'm getting help) I felt guilty and apologized for feeling that way.A few days after our first argument we made up and things started to pick up again. In addition, I was feeling less and less used. This pattern of ups and downs continued however and has been constant with talk of having children and getting married to weeks of no contact and wondering where she is/was. To date I am near bankruptcy, am exhausted and have become severely depressed and anxious. I have often felt no matter what I do it's never enough or good enough for her. I know I am not perfect and I know if she were writing on this site she would also have her side of the story, but I felt and feel like the effort I have put in was extreme and rarely returned. So, this leads me to our final and worst argument. For the past month or so she has been extremely distant and seldom comes around...and only when she wants something or needs a favor. When we last talked I asked her to talk to me about where we stand and what she wants (relationship, friends?...etc) and why we keep going through these roller coaster phases of ups and downs. She immediately started to lash out saying things like "I'm too stressed and too busy for a relationship" and "I don't want to be with someone I can't trust." This really hurt me because I didn't and don't understand where she was coming from...I never cheated on her, never hit, never threatened, always thought I showed respect and just generally sacrificed a lot because I thought I could always be there for her and make her happy (lesson learned). So the comments upset me and we started to argue with one topic leading into another and during I asked her "are you seeing someone else?" Up until this point and for the most part, I was able to keep my cool until she replied "it's none of your business what I do and why would I want someone who does nothing for me?" I became infuriated and lost my cool saying horrible things such as "you're a bad person," "you're trash" and then I called her "a piece of s_ _ _."Today I feel absolutely horrible and depressed that I said those things to her. I know she will probably never speak to me again and I think it's better we don't. I know I have to keep working on myself because I often give 100% of myself too soon and stuff away emotions...not trying to play victim because I know there's always two sides to every story, but I felt like I just held so much in this past year and it all came out all at once(in a completely inappropriate way). So my question is do you think I should seek her forgiveness and then move on? Or just let everything go?I've never dated or been in any kind of relationship with drama of this magnitude and I know she suffers from depression as well, so I just want her to know I didn't mean what I said. I don't want her to feel hurt or permanently damaged regarding how she feels about herself. Until this weekend I felt used and was building a lot of resentment, now I feel like an abusive jerk.
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male
reader, j0812 +, writes (22 December 2010):
j0812 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for responding everyone. Each and everyone of your answers really helped me and gave me great uplift today. While she's not my first love she definitely has been my toughest. She is 30 years old and is a mother to an awesome son (this was another thing that was tough because he told me he wants me to be his dad). I am 34 and I thought at this stage in each of our lives we could have a meaningful mature relationship...I was determined, but it goes to show you can't make someone love you.
So, I went ahead and apologized (only for the insults, but not how I feel) today just so I don't stress anymore..it's the best I can do. I never really realized that there are people out there that will use others with malicious intent...just to drain them...it just blows my mind. For the most part I have had good dating experiences until my 30's...I think it gets harder as we age but there has to be someone out there.
Well, my plan is to try and cut her off. All of my friends and family have been telling me to do this for months, but it's tough because there is also a child who sees me as his father. But like you said CaptainObvious, I know I have to stick to it...it will be hard, so I'm trying to prepare myself. As for dating, I think I will take some time alone to work on myself. It's been a rough year or so and I think I need to recuperate before meeting someone else.
Anyway, I want to thank you all once again for the responses..they really helped me put things in to perspective today. Life is definitely too short to give yourself away to someone who does not care. I think this can be another learning lesson in life for me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): You told her the truth so you should feel good. If you had lied to her then yes you would be a jerk.
I went through a similar situation, and I never once considered revenge as it's just not in my nature and equally it benefits no one let alone it only results in unnecessary drama which reduces one's quality of life.
Your goal in life first and foremost should be quality living so why in the hell would you want to continue investing unguaranteed moments on a woman who only takes away from your quality of life? The woman you have described is destructive to herself so it's invariable that she can only be destructive for you, hence reducing your quality of life.
It sounds like this woman might be your first love...and that's okay...BUT...what you have to look at is whether or not this woman is capable of meeting what it takes to sustain and better yet enhance your quality of life.
Sure, who doesn't want to always be with their first love...however...the reality as I've learned it is that a first love isn't always one's be all be all.
Take a long step back, and objectively view you're surrounding, being certain to take off those restricting blinders this woman snuck onto your face...and I promise you Sweetie you will see her in a whole new light...and wow...shocking but blessed revelation that will show her substance before you will spin you to a 180 and leaping into the arms of a phenomenal quality woman who has already stepped to the plate and meets 101 percent of standards for what it takes to share and blossom with you in the sustenance and enhancement of your beautiful happy healthy loving lives.
Sweetie, life is too short to waste away precious unguaranteed moments on a woman, or anyone for that matter, who serves no purpose other than to use and abuse.
Now put her in the past where she belongs and do that 180! You go Sweet Thang!
Uh...Le Sigh~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): I was just like you at one time. The guy I was dating was hooked on having sex, but since I wasn't he secretly started going out with other girls and having sex with them and when I asked about it, he would deny it. So when he decided to end it with me, I decided I wasn't going back to him. Weird part was he called me up to ask if I wanted to go out and I told him he probably forgot we had already ended the relationship. He was stunned but I never did go back. I was afraid I would never find someone but I did. God will send you someone that's for you. It may take a while or it may be sooner than you think. But I'm glad I never went back to that ex of mine cause I wouldn't have found this wonderful guy I have in my life now. I'm much more happier and I know you will be too when you find that awesome woman who's at the same place that you are.
How old is this gal you dated? She sounds like she's between 18 to 21 years old. I don't know about you, but I have the feeling that she got what she wanted...you doing her homework. I know for certain that after a set time, if someone was being nice to me and letting me have all the sex I want but I have to do the homework first, I would start to wonder. I would not take that person back. I know it's hard, considering you probably were with her for a while, but if you feel used, then it's probably that. I don't know...maybe it's just me. Don't get mad at her, just move on and know that the best revenge ever is to live your life well.
I would not feel bad for being upset with her. Maybe if you want to, you can apologize for your part. But at this time, date other girls who are much more nicer and compassionate and loving and are also at the same place in life like you are. Look for someone to build a life with and one that's full of love and who also share the same things like you. You learned now what you want and don't want in a woman, now is the time to find someone who can fulfill you and make you a happy man and perhaps a happy marriage that's wholesome and full of love...This woman should be your best friend and bud...someone you can count on to be by your side through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, and someone you feel comfortable in communicating with...you can find someone. It takes time and lots of patience. You will find that special someone. And remember, it's not all about looks either. There is someone out there for you. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaptainObvious +, writes (21 December 2010):
 I think you already know the answer, and while I don't want to discourage you from reaching out for people to talk to, I wonder if what you seek from this forum is advise - or validation.
One should never apologize for feelings.
If one acts inappropriately and hurts someone else in expressing those feelings, an apology might be in order.
But stop and listen to what you wrote.
She is a confirmed liar and cheat - at least on her schoolwork, and possibly on you, depending on what she represented her relationship with you to be - it's clear you had little input in drafting the terms of the relationship.
Sure, if this had been a thoughtful and planned breakup, you probably would have foregone some of the labels you used, but she does sound like a trashy dishonest user.
You don't owe her an apology or any explanation.
If you must say anything to her at all, I'd advise something along the lines of:
"We're over. There will be no more gifts, help or communication from me. The reasons should be self evident, and in any event are not open to discussion."
You have to stick to that though.
If she has a problem with that and tries to make trouble for you, protecting yourself through full disclosure to her school would be in order.
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