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... Send *haron1111 a private message | | | *haron1111's profile:I reviewed & altered this info a bit. i was too negative about myself before:-
Hi, I am in a long-term very miserable marriage. My kids are all young adults and struggling too, though hopefully my son is doing pretty ok. I grew up in a dysfunctional home too.
I can say things that may help.as per the question asked. I have studied lots, formally & informally & have had a fair bit of relevant experience. I'd love help. I work in a people helping job.
Things are so tough for me in my personal life, especially with my husband and whom I find controlling, unsupportive and upsetting though I am grateful for much that he has done.Sometimes I feel lots of of despair & misery.
I am not young & circumstances past & present make it hard or impossible to leave my husband. So please do not tell me to do this. I think I should be the one to decide this anyway & only I know all about me & my life. I find being told what to do controlling & disrespectful & just more of what I have got all my life. I think disrespect is pretty common. Some people just don't realise. Others think they know it all.
I have always been a questioning, thinking, "seeker" of truth. Maybe it is true to say that I am a mix of stubborn persistence and clear seeing, & self doubts and uncertainties. I am certainly a very spiritual person & always have been. I can stand up for what i believe but I can be brought low, at least for a while, by massive self doubts.
I have studied a lot of things, most recently re religion, cultures & philosophy. I am always into psychology. But I am no rationalist: I try to walk that precarious tightrope between reason and what is beyond reasoning but more real. I love poetry & music, scripture & prayer. I am reasonably tolerant and too freethinking for some people. I think that much truth is to be seen, shimmering, if one digs/dives deep or flies high.
I really like people, animals, nature, rocks, plants & life generally. But I realise one needs to be discerning & careful so I try to be. I am a bit of a risk taker, but I am very straight.
I annoy some people and they are probably the sort who scare me. They are the ones who think they are right; are controlling; and condemn & punish. I have struggled with this all my life. It would be nice to get over it. They shock & horrify me but somehow can plunge me into a turmoil of dark emotions & despair. This probably explains a lot about me.
Finally I believe that it is better to turn to our "shepherd" than to curse the wolves who try to rip us apart. Light drives out darkness and the way of least resistance can have the greater might.
Update:I am now thinking, some days after Google led me here as I was researching coping with abuse, if this site can offer me much more & whether the negative comments or orders I get are good for me. I came here with the goal of learning better to COPE COPE COPE with abuse. I may need to focus elsewhere to give myself a chance to reach my goal. I really need relief from the stress & suffering I am experiencing. There are things i can do to alleviate this and this does not necessarily mean blaming, judging & cutting off what "causes" me trouble. I suspect my best bets are through CBT and religion. This knowledge is pretty specialised & so I guess it is unlikely to be found here though some people can be very kind and wise & they can help in some ways.
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I don't want him to ask me out! What should I do if that situation arises?
Q. I really dono what to do! I've recently met this guy whom i've grown really close! he's sort of kissed me once! We are close friends..share almost everything n i'd broken up with my ex two months back n he wants me back i don wanna get back.....
A. 2 March 2010: How about you just thank him nicely if he does but say you like things just as they are and hope he feels ok about this?
If he says no, you could just say, nicely, something like "I feel disappointed about that. I would like things to stay jus... (read in full...)
How important is it to men that women take care of themselves? And should she take care of the house too?
Q. do guys think it is important for a woman to take care of herself? i mean like always looking good, having her hair done and nails done? or would they think that she is too high maintenance and be put off?? also when a guy moves in with a girl i...
A. 2 March 2010: I don't think it helps much to generalise and talk of "guys" or women. People are all different. People in a relationship need to work out these things for themselves. There is no univerally applicable rule book in the sky. Telling a person they ... (read in full...)
Everytime I get upset or sick she tells me to deal with it! What makes her this way?
Q. Hey, all. I've been with my current girlfriend for about 16 months (same girl as my last question). She's begun pressuring me pretty hard to get engaged, but I have one big (in my opinion, anyway) roadblock to that happening. In a nut-shell, I ...
A. 2 March 2010: Frankly, dump her yesterday. If she isn't giving you what you want, she isn't the one you want, surely? What's the problem here? I mean, what is the REAL problem?
Maybe you need counselling to help you get more confidence to feel ok about yo... (read in full...)
Tips on controlling my outburst during an orgasm
Q. okay, so here it goes. i am 13 and have recently started masturbating. i have orgasms every single time and its hard not to moan or sometimes scream with pleasure! i usually do it when my parents are asleep or when im by myself. do you know any...
A. 2 March 2010: You don't have to make a big noise. That isn't part of the deal. Just as you can sing loud or soft, you can decide how loudly you vocalise when having an orgasm. Restraining your vocalising will not hinder your ability to orgasm or enjoy sex or a ... (read in full...)
Should I keep the baby?
Q. im 27 and have two boys from two previous relationships and my boy of more than a year is 28 and has a two kids as well with his ex whom he was with for 5 years. we have been living together for a year now and it was great at first but little by ...
A. 2 March 2010: Wow! Way to go! What a gal! You have what it takes.
Be careful with him, ok? It is usually best to go no contact with these guys or they mess with our minds and can create lots of trouble. I hope you get away nice and easy.
All the very best :)... (read in full...)
Should I keep the baby?
Q. im 27 and have two boys from two previous relationships and my boy of more than a year is 28 and has a two kids as well with his ex whom he was with for 5 years. we have been living together for a year now and it was great at first but little by ...
A. 1 March 2010: I'm sorry you are facing this. It's really tough but you can come through this ok, with time.
It sounds as if you have to write this guy off, like a bad dept, so sad to say. I think you should just let him go and concentrate on what you want to ... (read in full...)
What can I do about my mom?
Q. this is a question on what to do about my relationship with my mom... i went through my first break up by myself locking myself in my room and crying even on the bus on i would just cry but always make sure she never saw me cry cause i didnt want ...
A. 1 March 2010: It can be tough when you long to share with your Mom & ask her advice but fear her response.
Maybe you are correct to know you can't share with her about certain matters without getting a response that feels more than you can currently handle. ... (read in full...)
Is there any reason why I shouldn't bail on our marriage?
Q. I'M trying to save our marriage at the last 10 years,it is 25 year long now... Well, there is no luck. After years of counseling,self -improvement on my part... He did not change a bit. Now, he is sexually unavailable,not just emotionally.. Long ...
A. 1 March 2010: I think you should ask yourself what you want out of life and whether having this guy in it helps, hinders, or can be tolerated if you adjust your expectations to companionable coexistence (of a sort).
It is unlikely you can change him, so harbo... (read in full...)
Can't help looking at other women and thinking about them sexually! But I love my fiance.
Q. I have a wondeful Fiancé. We've been going out for over 9 years. The problem is that she is the only woman i've ever been with - I always had low self esteem - and lately i've found myself looking at other women and wondering what it would be like ...
A. 1 March 2010: Well, you CAN help it. The question is whether you WANT to. Do you want to stop? If so, work on it. For starters you could think about all sorts of other things.
I am wondering what your real issue is here.
What concerns me is that you seem to... (read in full...)
My b/f says it's the baby or him
Q. Hi I am 14 wks pregnant and been in my relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son together. My boyfriend is not happy about this pregnancy and says he doesnt want anymore kids and is forcing me to choose between him and ...
A. 1 March 2010: How is your relationship with this guy? That is surely a big factor to weigh up. If your relationship is not good, why continue anyway?
Abusive men often threaten to deprive the woman of the child. You need to know this. It is no reason to keep ... (read in full...)
He has a girlfriend but gets jealous when my friends give me a hug
Q. I've posted questions before and my love life is still complicated. im sorry if this is long... A guy and i have been talking for a while. I've stated this in my recent questions also. Even though he is in a relationship he still tells me he love...
A. 28 February 2010: I think this guy is a two timing, dishonest guy, and a physical bully too if he is the one getting physical (I got confused about that). Do you want that?
I'm thinking you must be feeling proud to get his attention, but surely you can get a better... (read in full...)
I was raped by my ex boyfriend
Q. bout a month to 2 months ago i was at my babys dads house who i am not with we have been split for a while now well we were having sex and he asked me if he could put it in my ass i said no he said comeon y not i said no sorry i cant do that so we ...
A. 28 February 2010: This guy abused & disrespected you. Too bad he is the father of your child, but dreams can't make reality. He is just not good enough for you. I say don't put your hand in the fire or you'll get burnt. So see fire as fire not as water because you ... (read in full...)
Help! Is this emotional abuse?
Q. I've been in a relationship for 2 years now. The first year was wonderful. Then from one to the next day everything changed. If i have a concern. And i come about it in a respectable way like foe expl.: i feel that....., or dont you think that.......
A. 27 February 2010: This is very upsetting for you.
I think that now is the time to read some books on abuse. Two helpful authors I know are Patricia Evans and Beverly Engel. You could go to Amazon.com and search for their books. I think you will find this really h... (read in full...)
Do you think my abusive ex knows everything is his fault and just can't handle his guilt?
Q. hi there, anyone got any advice about this? i have left my abusive partner of 20 years. yes we have split up time and time again before but this time i have spoke out and told him exactly what i think of him and told him all the nasty things he ...
A. 27 February 2010: No, I don't think he understands what is going on. We all see through our own mindsets and nobody has the full picture.
Perhaps you could learn more about abuse and recovery from it. We all need to keep learning.
There are things you can d... (read in full...)
How can I recover from this emotionally abusive marriage??
Q. I have recently split from my husband who was my partner for 12 years, married for the last three years. On our very first holiday together over 11 years ago, the first verbally abusive fight happened when he got very drunk and spent hours trashing...
A. 27 February 2010: I am sorry to hear of your terrible experiences. I have been working for years building up an understanding of abuse and people who do this. There is very good literature on the subject. Perhaps put "books". and "abuse" into an Amazon.com book ... (read in full...)
I'm pregnant and worried my lack of sex drive will force hubbie to see it elsewhere
Q. Im 36 weeks pregnan and sex has become a bit painful and uncomfortable for me and i no longer enjoy it. My husband realizes this and hasmade it a point to refrain from kissing and touching too much so that he doesn't crave sex altthough we still ...
A. 27 February 2010: I am worried that your question is just about sex. I am surprised too that a woman wrote it.
Can't help but wonder if you are really a man or you have been abused into thinking you are just a sex toy. ... (read in full...)
By accepting my wifes affair am I just prolonging the inevitable?
Q. Hi , i have been married for 12 years but this year i found out that my wife was having an affair . We are trying to work things out but she still wants to keep seeing the other man . I am not happy about this and at the moment it has been left that ...
A. 27 February 2010: I think you need to tell her what is your bottom line, and, in general to tell her what you think and want. If it is unacceptable to you for her to keep seeing him,I think you should tell her so. And tell her you will move out, or whatever, if she... (read in full...)
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