A
male
age
41-50,
*chlemm
writes:Hey, all. I've been with my current girlfriend for about 16 months (same girl as my last question). She's begun pressuring me pretty hard to get engaged, but I have one big (in my opinion, anyway) roadblock to that happening. In a nut-shell, I guess I still feel like it's all about her, but the nature of that has changed. When I'm feeling down, or sick, it's almost like she gets angry with me instead of offering support. I work a stressful job. I'm an engineer, and for a while last calendar year, I was going through a really tough time at work. A few times in that period, I wanted to talk to her to get a kind word or at least a "It'll be okay, honey", and what I would get instead was "You're not fun to talk to tonight. I have to go." or "You're freaking me out, and you can't freak me out." One time in particular, I had a skull-splitting migraine, I told her I wouldn't be able to make it up to her place that day, but she was welcome to come by mine if she wanted, she told me to "Suck it up and get on with my day." Then she called me back a minute later screaming about how she had nothing to do and would be sitting home alone all day. She got huffy with me this past weekend because I was exhausted and didn't want to do anything, so I left her house. I feel terrible about it, though. When she's not feeling good or is depressed (like the weekend before last), I comfort her, and most of all don't get upset because being sick or depressed sucks, and you don't need someone else adding to it. We have that same discussion every time this happens, but it keeps happening. I'm getting to my wit's end with it. My friends all tell me she's selfish and only thinks about herself, but I do love her and want to give her the benefit of the doubt. What do you all think? What makes a person act like she's acting? Thanks for any advice I can get.Cheers,Schlemm
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Sorry Buddy but I have to fall in with the "dump her" group. Why waste precious time with someone who just brings you down? Marriage to her will be sheer hell.
A
male
reader, Schlemm +, writes (2 March 2010):
Schlemm is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, that was a heck of a lot of responses in a short time, and I truly appreciate it. I especially want to thank the ones who challenged my thoughts rather than the "dump her" response.
That said, I want to expand on a few questions I've been asked.
I'm an engineer (aerospace) who works on several multi-billion dollar ship and aircraft programs, working 9-10 hour days plus bringing work home with me. She's a teacher. I would agree that I'm tired more than her, mostly because I have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night without using sleeping pills. The past 9 months or so, I've been doing a lot better with the work situation, but I don't know if work has actually gotten better or if me seeing a psychiatrist has been doing most of it. Having daily meetings with the head of engineering (at that time) isn't a 'little thing' in my opinion, and certainly wouldn't be if she was having daily meetings with the superintendant, head of the school board, etc.
Also, I live relatively far away from my family, and she's isolated me from most of my friends where I live, who were my support network. To some extent, I don't have anyone else to turn to.
It wouldn't surprise me if she's acting out because she's disappointed about not getting her way (with engagement). Similar things have happened before where. To give an example, we were going to a Christmas party where I was originally going to pick her up (the party was 5 minutes from her house). I ended up having to be there early to set up and she'd have to meet me there. She got so upset at me that she completely tuned me out for the rest of dinner that night. There have been other examples.
I also want to let Miamine know that I'm talking about two separate people, depending on the dates of my posts. So, I guess I could still learn how to choose more wisely.
But I think I do have my own issues as well - my confidence being the biggest. I guess that even thought I have my own place, a 6-figure salary, I'm a good looking guy, a good personality, etc.; I don't see myself as more than the fat kid from high school who never had a date and should be lucky to have any girl he can get. I think in the end, that's why I stick around.
Cheers,
Schlemm
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 If you are always unwell or too often unwell, she may have formed a resistance to you and develop those reactions.
It could also because she was disappointed with your attitude of not granting her wish to be engaged.It could have lead to the way she treats you in this way.
Don't whine too much . Don't go seek her sympathy over 'little things.' You are too predictable.
She may feel annoyed because she considers it a small matter and you should be man enough to deal with it. She may thinks you are a cry baby or too clingy.
This is only my perspective and I am speculating only and which may not be true.I am just putting myself in her shoes and see from her viewpoints.
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A
female
reader, Sharon1111  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Frankly, dump her yesterday. If she isn't giving you what you want, she isn't the one you want, surely? What's the problem here? I mean, what is the REAL problem?
Maybe you need counselling to help you get more confidence to feel ok about yoursef; to drop what you don't want; and to go after what you want.
So she's pressuring you to get married? So? Maybe you should just say no and move on. Why hang around if you don't want what she wants.
She sounds as if she is narcissistic. This type doesn't change and they don't get caring and considerate. Life to them is all about them. If they don't get what they want, heaven help you. She will make your life hell. You want that? You want a woman to say "Jump" and you ask "How high dear?".
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Sorry, missed the "I love her" in all your complaining about her ways... Why do you love her, is it her gentleness, her thoughtfulness, her kindness and her happy bubbly personality that's keeping you fighting to stay with her?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 March 2010):
Hi Schlemm,
Just had a quick read of your other posts on this girl. It really isn't working out honeypie, this woman is driving you crazy. This is what it sounds like you think of her...
She selfish, she's messy, keeps her house and yours like a rubbish tip, she only thinks about her self, she's suffocating, she dosen't know how to make friends, she's depressed, she's stressed, she's distant, she never thinks of your feelings, she's childish and rude, she's insecure, and has problems finding or keeping a man, she dosen't mix with people her own age, she has good brains but can get very involved with rubbish if you don't push her to find herself some goals...
Now she's trying to push you to get engaged!!!!!!!
Come on Schlemm, I checked. You don't have one nice thing to say about this girl. No, I love her, I admire her, I fancy her, or even her body is sexy and she's good in bed.
What you holding on for, are you waiting to get married so you can divorce her or cheat on her? She sounds very irritating, and not mature enough for a proper relationship. GET RID babes, she's doing your head in, you can't relax, your friends don't like her. Sorry she's insecure, but you can't stay with her just because of pity. Break up as soon, and as nicely as you can. It'll be a big weight of your shoulders and you'll be able to breathe and have fun again.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (2 March 2010):
 If this girl is as bad as she sounds, she's definitely not wife material. You've seen how she treats you in time of need...do you want this sort of behaviour when you're married and when she's the first person you have to rely on?
Sure, we all get annoyed sometimes and whatnot, but she should be supportive of you and she should care about you. Has she always been like this? Why have you put up with this for so long? Why are you engaged? I understand you say you love her, but how can you love someone who doesn't appear to love you back?
She's being very selfish and immature. When you're down, she tells you to suck it up, but when it's her, she moans and complains to you. Haven't you had enough?
I'm sure you've learned to deal with this and perhaps you don't even know what a proper GF should be like, so you put up with it. If she doesn't change her ways (and I doubt she will) and you end up marrying her, you're just setting yourself up for a life of nagging, negativity and no support to you. That's not what you want or need.
You can have someone who will care about you as much as you care about them. A GF/wife should enrich your life not act like this. You just need to figure out what you want and ask yourself if you can deal with this for the rest of your life. Getting married will not change anything.
As a side note, why is she pressuring you to get engaged? Is her behaviour recent? Perhaps she's wanting the engagement ring and since she's not getting it, she's becoming impatient and acting out? If this is true it's also a sign of immaturity.
Finally, that roadblock you have is your way of sensing that not everything is right...and good on you for realizing it and not jumping into anything. Ask yourself if she's always been like this and if you think she could change and learn to appreciate you more. Sadly though, if she's been like this all along, she won't change. You're just walking into a trap. If she says she'll change if you get that ring, don't buy that, it's just a manipulation tactic.
If you're at your wits end now, how will you cope when she's with you 24/7, when there are bills to pay, dinners to make, cleaning to do etc?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 Is she working? Is her job just as stressful? I don't like her screaming. She must have been frustrated a lot. What makes a person act like she's acting? I would say a person who doesn't know what real life is. Whenever you are going to disappoint her, you can lesson the blow by asking, "hi, can you come by tonight?" "give me 30 minutes and I will be in my zone again." "would you give me a massage?" Maybe she wants to get engaged so she could see you more often. If you use only your free time to chill and unwind, then you never get to see each other. How do you divide work, me time, and one on one time? Imagine if you do get married and whenever you come home you just rest and look at your wife cook dinner and then entertain the kids, that won't be fun. After marriage, it's work, kids, hopefully some me time, then after you have time to think about intimacy, you are both too tired and would say, just leave me alone. It sounds like you are tired more often than she is. She just wants to know that there would indeed be some fun time in the relationship to balance out the stressful times. Commit to do something fun each weekend, so you don't feel like you are living in a rut.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 March 2010):
I agree with your friends. You've given her the benefit of the doubt for 16 months, and nothing has changed. It seems to me that she either can't cope with not being in control and with having someone around who is ill, or is just plain selfish and prefers the limelight to be on her. Listen to your friends this time, because imagine one day if you have a really bad illness and she just walks out.
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