A
female
age
51-59,
*aragh
writes:I have recently split from my husband who was my partner for 12 years, married for the last three years. On our very first holiday together over 11 years ago, the first verbally abusive fight happened when he got very drunk and spent hours trashing the hotel room and verbally abused me and the entire resort knew of it. When we returned after that holiday I was so shocked, I buried the night in my head and thought it was a one off moment of madness on his part. Unfortunately, I was very wrong and the anger outburst continued - not all the time, maybe every few months or so. Initially it was when he was drunk but then it spilled into everyday life and over the years has managed to completely destroy my self esteem and confidence. The name calling, abusive comments and rage has happened in front of my friends, previous work colleagues and family to the point where I pushed all outside relationships away as I didn't want to experience these scenes with people around me. I thought if it was just me and him it would change. It didnt; everytime these verbal attacks happened, the next day he would be so apologetic and I would always figure him and sweep my feelings and situation under the carpet. Why have I stayed this long? Well he was abused as a child by a close member of the family who remains in the family and he a daily part of his life...as his family chose to sweep that under the carpet too and it was never resolved. So I used to excuse his behaviour as I believed this rage was a product of this horrible experience and that he really didn't mean what he said and did - he was just really messed up. On NYE we had a nice night until around 2am when he built himself up into a uncontrollable rage, screaming abuse at me and smashing up our home. He punched a wall and broke every bone in his hand. I was so scared he would hit me as he hadn't before but i had not witnessed this level of rage in all my time. He then moved out but has desperately wanted us to heal our marriage. But I am so numb and have no love for him anymore...he is now in counseling and said he will do anything to save our marriage. Everyone says I should stay away from him...I am so lost and scared...I've decided to leave and move and not tell him where i am, i have found a flat and am looking to start my life again and cut him out completely...but am I doing the right thing? I am screaming inside.
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confidence, drunk, emotionally abusive, moved out, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sharon1111  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 I am sorry to hear of your terrible experiences.I have been working for years building up an understanding of abuse and people who do this. There is very good literature on the subject. Perhaps put "books". and "abuse" into an Amazon.com book search and take it from there. You can also Google for information. You need accurate information about abusive men in order to make a wise decision and be sure of it. But I think you have made a wise decision. Research shows that these men (and women) rarely change. Counselling and therapy is not usually helpful in getting these people to change really. Beware false appearances and promises. If you are really seriously thinking of resuming your marriage, maybe date him for a year first; observe his behaviour carefully; and read, read, read.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 What you did was right , you need to have a clean break from your partner to give you some space to collect your thoughts .If you did not leave, there could be domestic violence against you .
Whether it will be permanent or just temporary will be decided later after he has seek treatment or counsel and you find that there is still some goodwill or positive aspects and may want to continue the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): I was emotionally abused and then found myself having rages with the man I love most in the world. Pretty quickly I put myself into therapy (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which is the best thing I have ever done. Very often anger comes out as a direct result of fear and anxiety. I suggest that you take some counselling yourself and put yourself first. He is poorly and it is his past that caused it. It is a shame that he was too afraid to confront his demons before all this damage and has probably wasted your relationship. However, his counselling (if it is any good) will stand him in good stead for the future. So I would say put him aside for now as he is likely to be ok, look after yourself. Leave making any decisions. Thisnk of you now, worry about him later.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi there,
sorry to hear about your problem, it sounds very distressing.
But the answer to your question is yes you did the right thing. Goodness knows you gave him enough time - 11 years of your life - for him to sort through his issues.
Now that he is in counselling some may argue he deserves a second chance, but counselling isnt necessarily going to make all the problems just disappear. There is no reason to believe that he won't lapse into this behaviour again, and you will be the recipient of all this angst. At the moment he has no one to unload all his problems without you there as his punching bag.
The bottom line is you do not love him anymore which has made moving away from him that much easier , it is time to start a new life with someone without the emotional baggage of your last love. He has made you suffer for over a decade while you have watched friends and family disappear off the radar. It is time for you to spend time on yourself, repair broken relationships and start to live your life again. You deserve at least that after suffering for so long.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Your husband sounds typical of a lot of abusive men ie they only start counselling and making huge efforts to save the marriage when it is too late and they realise they are going to lose their wife/partner. I have been in this situation before and I think part of the problem is that we don't nip it in the bud early and leave them and see if they will change but we let it carry on and on until we no longer love them and are literally drive away by their behaviour but this does not make any less painful. You sounds as though you are stressed and at the end of your tether. Have you tried talking to a relationship therapist to help you through this? If ou are sure that you don't love him and can't be with him then nothing he says or does will make any difference anyway so I would say focus on what you need and want, as opposed to what he says. The decision is yours and i think you should reach it without any influence from him. You are still young and could have a fabulous life ahead of you even if some of it is as a single woman. I know it can be scary to be single again but it can also be exciting.He may well behave the way he does due to his own experiences before he met you but that is not your responsibility. It is his presenting behaviour that matters and how it affects you. He clearly has unresolved issues from the past but he is a grown man and should be able to control himself. I lost all sympathy for my ex partner and now believe that lots of people have issues from the past but we choose how we behave as adults. When he is angry, he may well not mean what he says or does but he STILL does and says it. It sounds as though he is getting more angry the more he is losing control (perhaps he has suspected he is losing for a while?). This situation is not good for your emotional health and if he really loses his temper he could harm you. I think you should talk to a professional about this and if you are not 100% sure about whether you are doing the right thing, then take a break from him whilst you get the counselling for yourself and make your final decision with support and when you are feeling calmer inside? In the meantime, to recover from the effects of the abuse, I found it helped to do nice things for myself each day, even small things, a nice walk, a swim, yoga do something fun etc etc - whatever takes your fancy. I also found it helpful to seek out the company of friends who were calm, reasonable and had a good sense of humour as this helped to restore my inner balance and the more I interacted with balanced people, this helped me to get balanced inside myself and then the emotional abuse stood out even more sharply as being wrong. Sorry this is very long but I hope some of it helps. I am sure you will get lots of supportive answers by tonight/tomorrow from this site. I really wish you well You will feel calm and positive again but may need some help to get there. I would be interested to see what others think when they respond to this. Best wishes and do what is right for you and your health and life. xx
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