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female
age
51-59,
*os
writes:I've been in a relationship for 2 years now. The first year was wonderful. Then from one to the next day everything changed.If i have a concern. And i come about it in a respectable way like foe expl.: i feel that....., or dont you think that....., or it would help if.....I dont get angry, call him names or say "you do this', or 'you always do this.Anyways, it seems as he doesnt want to deal with it.He says mean, hurtful things in return or turns something around on me as if it was my fault, or finds something that i did a while ago and has absolutely nothing to do with it.anyways, its a) frustrating, b) degrading,to the point now where i don't feel close to him anymore.Is this emotional abuse? Since he doesnt do any other emotional abusive things, i don't know if you can already consider this emotional abuse. he keeps saying to me that he doesnt mean it that way, that he loves me and that its the way i perceive it.It took me aboit a year now to make him realize that he is actually doing this or for him to apologyse, which he does now. other than that( and this happens alot), he is a great guy.So, i am at my end whits with this. I am not the youngest anymore, know that no matter who your with, most likely there is always going to be something i'll have to deal with. But just the thought of having to live like this for the rest of my life.I don't know. Are there woman out there that had a man that did this and now found someone that doesnt do it. i am scared that the next guy will do this too.And then i will regret that i left this one.i know that he doesnt do it on purpose and that he loves me. Any other advise is highly apreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): He sounds VERY verbally & emotionally abusive to me & I know the signs.
But don't take my word for it. Google about this sort of thing. There is lots of information out there & you need to learn the signs. The truth will set you free. You just have things to learn; he is confusing you and is not talking logically or fair; & he is an abusive type.
These abusive types are as tricky as all hell with their words. You start saying it's a lovely day and somehow it ends up that you are being blamed for something. Doh! This is straight out of the abusers how to (be abusive) book. They are all clones of each other in this, just as all genuinely kind people are similar. He is NOT one of the kind ones. I bet he is great when he likes what is happening or wants to get you to do something. Anyone who "is mean and hurtful" IS MEAN AND HURTFUL. Not all people are like this.
By the way, abusive types do not like to play fair and share honestly. It is all about getting control and looking good. They will lie, be dishonest and mean; whatever it takes to do this. Their favourite method is to bring the other person down as then he thinks he has won. But he has really lost, and so have you.
It is very sad having a partner like this. They do not reform. They apologize only if it suits them but they don't mean it. "I am sorry I said that" really means "I am sorry for myself that you are giving me a bad time over what I said & I will aplogize to get you sweet to me again. Don't trust him. DO NOT LET HIS JUDGMENTS OF YOU SEEM LIKE THE TRUTH. They are just the poison from a twisted mind.
Do yourself a massive favour & read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. These guys make lousy partners.
Yes, there are great guys out there. Find out the difference and go looking. You deserve one of these. And you can manage quite well by yourself. Gals don't have to have a guy. You're not drowning without one. Enjoy life. Make a good life for yourself & kick the jerks to the curb.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Ok I would say start reading up on narcissist behaviour. That may help. You dont need to buy books just read and see if you recognise anything there.
Gut feeling is, if he wont and refuses to change. You have a problem. Good Luck.
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reader, Sharon1111  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 This is very upsetting for you.
I think that now is the time to read some books on abuse. Two helpful authors I know are Patricia Evans and Beverly Engel. You could go to Amazon.com and search for their books. I think you will find this really helpful and an eye opener, especially if you buy a book by each that appeals to you.
I like to buy from Betterworldbooks.com as it is cheaper and helps world literacy. Both booksellers sell second hand books.
Maybe it would be helpful to talk things over with a counsellor.
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reader, Ros +, writes (25 February 2010):
Ros is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for these answers.For the one guy that deals with this for 8 years now. I was just wandering. Did you find a way to handle it.I know that you have been suffering for a long time now.And to the other reader that asked some questions.no i don't think that everything is about him, but when i tell him how i feel he says that i am selfish. he gets angry.As of telling him how i feel, i don't want you guys to get the wrong impression here. one example:i told him that i thought that some of his friends were walking all over him and taking advantage of him.Which was my oppinion. Than of course he brings up this crap about me not putting enough effort into something....(which had nothing to do with what i was talking about),which i think is unfair torce me, and of course it hurt too. But anyways, then he gets angry and says i am so selfish. i told him, thats how i feel, and then he says that all i care about are my feelings. This is one example.i just don't want you guys to think, that i am treating him bad or anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): While your explanations of what he does exactly were pretty vague and how you feel when he does it was pretty vague too, I can only say that it vaguely sounds like it could be a mild case of emotional abuse, sort of. Generally, when a person is being abused emotionally, they feel drained, exhausted, worthless, confused, and depressed. You didn't strike me as feeling this way by what you said. And the things you describe your guy of doing to you seem like common reactions when a guy is tired of a relationship or bored or just not getting what he wants. In these cases they get irritable, testy, annoyed, but these little bouts of insensitivity don't necessarily mean he is emotionally abusive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2010): There's a name for this type of behavior...it's called blameshifting and yes, it's a type of emotional abuse. Usually very narcissistic people use this and there isn't much help out there for narcissists. These are not good people to spend your life with, and no, not every man is like this (thank god).
Find yourself a good man, the sooner the better.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 February 2010):
Unless he is willing to deal with problems without blaming you and hurting you, then there really isn't much else you can do other than tell him that unless he listens you'll have to leave. And if he still doesn't listen, do just that. Don't sit there hurt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): he needs to get some help , and yes i think it is emotional abuse and can lead to other abuse , there is some anger stored up inside him and he might not know what it is but it dose not mean it is your fault or that you need to deal with it . my wife is the same way . we have been married for 8 years now ! 9 months were absolutely perfect , i miss those days and have not seen them scene . it happens because they change or hold back another personality for so long and 1 day it comes out and they don't realize it , first thing i did was to check up on there past and find out what type of person you are dealing with . be careful what you look for in a manbut you noticed something that is a big flag and don't make your self believe all men are like this or you will accept this and because you believe it that is what you will find ! i he dose truly love you he will try therapy or see a psychiatrist before the abuse gets worse as it will lead him to anger , fear , low self worth jealousywhich could devastate you . it may hurt him but he needs it before your relationship can advance . and it may be hard but so will it be for you for the rest of your time together. i would separate to show him how much it hurts you , them assure him that you love him and that he needs some help , this would be the best but hardiest way to make him open his eyes and really see how serious this matter is and that it is not normal believe me when i say you don't want your kids to see this ether ? just some advice from some one that has been to hell and back 10 times . i know she loves me but i am by myself in a aspect that i go through things that she / he will never understand and it seems no one else does hope this helped
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): Before I answer that, to make sure. Do you feel like everything is about him only? Is he acting selfish?
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