A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi , i have been married for 12 years but this year i found out that my wife was having an affair . We are trying to work things out but she still wants to keep seeing the other man . I am not happy about this and at the moment it has been left that she can as long as she tells me when she is going to meet with him and that she makes sure he wears a condom when they have sex . Is there any chance this will work or is it just prolonging the inevitable ?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (26 October 2010):
If this was me I would be gone in a NY minute. Lifes too short and love is too precious to waste on anyone underserving, as this woman surely appears to be.
A
female
reader, j44 +, writes (25 October 2010):
Yes you are prolonging the inevitable and making yourself more miserable. If she thinks she can get away with this thier is no telling what else she will do to you. Bottom line is if she loved you she wouldnt do this to you. She obviously is getting the stability from u and the excitement from him. Your worth more than to be miserable and disrespected. Dont get addicted to the drama of it all or be codependant waiting on her to change.
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female
reader, annabellmarie +, writes (5 September 2010):
Isn't she the most selfish person I ever heard of, except for my husband. If it benefits you materially to stay, then go ahead. Otherwise, dump her as fast as you can. I hope you don't have children. I didn't read that far to see if you did.
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A
male
reader, mywifedoesntloveme +, writes (23 March 2010):
by the way she also said that I cant throw her stuff out, lock her out, or go through her personal things, she will call the police. I will be the one left out on the street. I guess I am in a no win situation. Wait for her to go I supose. the poor children they will suffer as much as I do. The businesses will have to be sold to pay her off. There will not be anything left.( not that hter is much there now. After loans and the decreased values because of the economy etc. selling now will only leave me with my heart pumping in my hand, and visitation with MY kids..... UGH...
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A
male
reader, mywifedoesntloveme +, writes (23 March 2010):
OK.... I am 45 my wife is 39. I love her. married 10 years ,two kids. She has been in a funk for years which I tried to get her to address a couple of times and then thought she will get out of it. Well Last week I found out that she has been having an afair for about 3 months. Its heavy and the texts I found show that they are in love. I did the confrontation thing and she rebuffed me and my demands that she end it. I also have my own business, I also had a very bad year last year. I also know now that when she goes out and doesnt return until 3 4 5 or 6 in the morning that she is with him. This went on just last night for the second time since I found out last week. I know your pain, I am living it. I want to get her away from him and get her back. She says there is no mutual love any longer. I do not agree with some of these posts. I read elsewhere to be positive, do not argue, only be happy, and agree with her, I am doing this at the moment, (its killing me not to show jelousy, anger disapointment,)... So far she is cold and will not even talk or look at me. Im not sure where to go with this, she will not go to counseling and will not work on us at the moment. Im holding on by the finger tips wondering what to do. The kids are beginging to see the stress of her activity (which I caused by ignoring her needs) UGH....
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A
female
reader, Sharon1111  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 I think you need to tell her what is your bottom line, and, in general to tell her what you think and want.If it is unacceptable to you for her to keep seeing him,I think you should tell her so. And tell her you will move out, or whatever, if she does not agree. You are telling her what is the marriage deal breaker for you.Additionally, if you are not ready to just walk away right now, I think you need to work out what is a good plan, eg, counselling.There are all sorts of reasons for an affair. Though she did the act, you could be just as "guilty". So counselling or marriage therapy may help, if it is well done. There may be issues in your marriage to deal with. Of course you both have to be willing.If you agree to her seeing him, you are not putting your relationship with her first or insisting she does too or the marriage is over.Maybe you need counslling or therapy to help you feel better about yourself and to value yourself and insist on a marriage where your wife values you too. You may need to learn about assertion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): please change those locks, dump her clothes on the sidewalk and do not give this sh1t a moments thought. talk about treating someone like a doormat. how could you possibly still live with this vile tramp. i can call her other more appropriate words. i am sooooooooo angry. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU LIKE SH1T. she is doing this to you and you just let her. WHY? Kick her to the curb and don't look back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Next time she tries to come home, have her things packed up and tell her she's got to find somewhere else because shes not welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): OMG! If things were so easy! How do u feel when she out w/her gf?
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (22 February 2010):
 I think you know the answer to your own question. If this was your sister, or your son asking this advise of you- you would tell them to GET OUT.
You don't deserve this treatment at all. No one does. Think about it- if you treated your wife this way, you would NOT expect her to wait around whilst you continued an affair, right??
I can also only presume that you would now be free to start new relations outside of the marriage? -And I also presume that she did not enjoy reaping the finanacial rewards of all your hard work through the difficulties of the recession? -and of course, she would rather that your children had gone without since she resents your trying so hard to make ends meet, right?
Why didn't she talk to you BEFORE starting an affair if this were the real reason? Don't take this rubbish- it is NOT your fault, and you should NOT put up with this.
Tell her to get out. If she wants to make this work- let HER fight for YOU.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 1st you working too hard to pay the bills for your family is not excuse for her to have an affair.
2nd, she is going to despise you for being so weak. You need to take a little time off work, find this guy and get in his face. Unfortunately the UK doesn't have the old (up to the 1970s) French defence of "Crime Passionelle" so you are going to have to be careful not to break the law - don't assault the guy but mark your territory and warn him off.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): Thanks for all the replys . First of all I have never cheated but I do feel guilty as the main reason my wife said that she had an affair was due to the fact that I work to much . This is probably true especially this last year as things have been really hard as I am self employed .I do love my wife and children but dont know what to do . We are trying to work things out and the pressure of knowing she is still seeing the other man is hard to deal with . The main stumbling block is that every time we try to have sex I get nervous and cant do it ....I just keep thinking about her with the other man . She has already said that she is going to keep seeing the other man and is undecided as to what to do . I know this is unacceptable and I hope she will realise this too . At least if she makes him wear a condom then hopefully she wont get pregnant or catch something which would just confuse the situation more .
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A
female
reader, jc82 +, writes (20 February 2010):
 This is a question you should ask her, you need to know if she is planning to leave eventually. Obviously, she hasn't left yet, nor does she want a divorce, so maybe she will just get it out of her system eventually. Who knows. No one else can tell you what is right or wrong when it comes to situations like this. Accepting infidelity is ugly, to be sure, but it happens. If you love her, and you don't want to leave, then hang on. Dissolving a marriage is awful and to be avoided. But, you definitely have good reasons to do it, if you wanted. Its really up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): She's not worth having in your life. I think thats is truly unacceptable. She is having a sexual relationship with another guy and you can just say fine, wear a condom! Next time she says shes going to meet him, give her a suprise for when she returns home by packing your bags and leaving her. Find yourself a woman who wants only you and will bring you happiness.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 February 2010):
You're second best. Why would you want to be second best? no one deserves this treatment. She doesn't really love you at all. Find a woman who does love you. Don't waste your time.
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female
reader, gRaa +, writes (20 February 2010):
 this is seriously unbelieveble!i understand you love her with all your heart but if she is going to do you wrong your gonna have to let her go. If you love her wont you let her be with the one she loves? I agree with Angzw
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A
female
reader, gRaa +, writes (20 February 2010):
this is seriously unbelieveble!
i understand you love her with all your heart but if she is going to do you wrong your gonna have to let her go. If you love her wont you let her be with the one she loves?
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 February 2010):
Seriously?? This is just shockingly unacceptable. If you were happy with the arrangement then more power to you, but if this bothers you you should make her choose or you should tell her to leave. How can you not value yourself to the level where you can allow this to carry on? Or maybe you have also cheated so she feels justified? If you want to save your marriage then give her an ultimatum. There is nobody this wonderful.
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