A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm so fed up reading people taking the moral high ground on every topic, especially that of married cheats and 'home wreckers'There is so much contraversy surrounding cheating at the moment on this site and I would like to express my views as everybody else has!How and why do people think its okay to berate women who sleep with married men? Were not married or in a relationship ourselves so we are not the ones who are cheating. It is the man that is the cheat.People seem to talk down to us as if they never made mistakes or did bad things themselves...can anybody honestly reply to my post and say every relationship they had has been perfect? That they've never been tempted to stray? That theyve never been tempted to hook up with another womans boyfriend/husband knowing they won't get caught?Out of all the married men I know including bosses/friends/colleagues/inlaws/neighbours, I'd say 90% of them have or are cheating, mostly with younger lovers. Its what todays society is about, every married man cheats, what gives people the right to say what's right or wrong?I bet a lot of the people on here have or are currently cheating on their spouses but obviously you wouldn't admit that on here because of course being a prude on the outside you have to protect your image don't you? I want somebody to reply and tell me exactly why and when a law was made stating that women who sleep with married men are wrong?
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female
reader, moon river +, writes (10 November 2011):
 haha, nice try at defending yourself. when karma mean this happens to you and you have to sit there feeling physically sick because the man you love had sex with another woman i hope you remember that he is the only bad one, not her. enjoy your fruitless life... try not to wonder why your single
you are a strange one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): We were together almost 6 months. We met through an internet message board and so had been friends for a few months before starting the relationship. Initially he had a girlfriend too but finished with her to be with me. Since writing initially, he has been touch to say he wants no more to do with me. I have asked him why the complete change of heart but doubt i'll get a response. After being so close with someone, sharing so much, and risking everything I have, I am hurt beyond belief. I think ultimately he is not the person I thought he was.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): We can change words try and play with words like 'home wrecker' and say the 3rd party is not the home wrecker, but unfortunaely the sad fact remains the same...a cheat is a cheat a liar is a liar and they all amount to the same thing..two people are doing it and number three does not know. cheating with a married man/woman is wrong and their is no justification for it even when playing with words. cheating WITH....spunky monkey.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): I think it will help if the OP can identify herself when she posts an update.
Perhaps a simple: "OP here: xxxxx
LoveGirl
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 My initial response was spot on. You aren't here for advice, you just want to try and justify bad behavior. So rant away my dear, you aren't going to find many in your court. When you decide to take the blinders off let me know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): Yes it wrong to call anyone a homewrecker. They end up staying in their cozy homes whilst the other woman is crying at the loss she never really had to lose.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): OP if you're seeing a married man, you are probably not the home wrecker, the married man and possibly also his wife wrecked their own home long before you entered the picture. It's only BECAUSE they had already wrecked their home, that there was any room for you to enter the picture. People do have it backwards when they call the 'other woman' the homewrecker. Most of the time, it's the married man and possibly also his wife who wrecked their own home. They just don't want to take responsibility for it and people who project themselves onto those married people without knowing all their painful secrets, dont' want to take responsibility either so they will blame the 'other woman' instead.
what you may be doing as the 'other woman' though, is just making their already-wrecked home a public issue brought out into the light of day rather than just their private skeleton in their closet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): I have followed this thread since it started. I agree with Wild thaing, the OP is projecting.She has strong view in favour of infidelity. Hun, the way u choose to live your life is your business. I realise that u are in pain, after all sleeping with another womans hb will be taxing on anyone. BUT what are u trying to achieve ? So u dont like the word homewrecker and the like, then what do u call your affair.With such strong views and berating all those who condemn cheating, does this make u sleep better. Your situation is NOT unique. there will always be women who betray their own moral compass and justify their affair.You can rant all u want. The reality is still the same: he is still married and u will still be his side item. This is the sad reality. There will always be wifes and mistresses. However the only winner is the marred man . OP why dont u just advise us what your actual situation is. You certainly have some issues with your Married man and perhaps the Aunts can try to help u.LoveGirl
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 You're projecting honey, especially on your last question. Are you involved with a married man and lashing out at that little twinge of conscience?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): affairs don't just happen for no reason. The conditions in the marriage were "right" (or rather, wrong) for the married man to betray his wife rather than to forsake the temptation or leave the marriage first.instead of disproportionately blaming the other woman, the married men should be berated for having even gotten married in the first place. I do think the married man is more responsible for the cheating than the other woman. If you're the one who took vows, who has made commitments and obligations to another, who has created people dependent on you, then you're the one who has more responsibility. The other woman has no connection with his wife and family, only he does.Why should the other woman be expected to care more for his marriage and family than he does?? If he has made the decision to betray his wife and family, it was his decision and his alone so why shouldn't he be fair game? in short: if you're married, it's entirely on you to stay within the bounds of marriage. Don't shift the blame elsewhere or seek to spread it evenly.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): the reason that the mistress gets blamed more than the cheating married man is because it's EASIER and more satisfying to blame the mistress. People want to think of marriage as something sacred. The thought that it is not, is personally disturbing. it's EASIER to uphold the sanctity of one's marriage by claiming it was under attack from external forces rather than being undone from the inside. If people were to blame the cheating husbands as much, it tarnishes the concept of marriage or at least their marriage. It suggests the marriage itself was defective. And that *gasp* maybe they themselves had something to do with it being defective! But if they blame the mistress they can claim the marriage itself was spotless, they as wives are spotless, as in a fairytale and it's all the mistresses fault. so you see, by blaming the mistress, people let themselves off the hook because then they dont' have to fear that their spouses are going to cheat on them or that - if their spouses did already cheat - that they had anything to do with bringing about the demise of their own marriages. It's just so much easier to blame someone else than to take personal responsibility for the state of your own relationship/marriage. And in a way, by deliberately closing one's eyes and ears, that may make it easier for people to forgive their cheating spouses and continue on with the marriage so they don't have to face some disturbing truths.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): To the original poster
GOOD LUCK with your future...i hope you find the lasting happiness and love that you deserve with a man who gives you truth ....try not to loose hope.
Somebody once told me that If the eyes had no tears there would be no rainbows :) they called it a promise.
spunky monkey
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 August 2011):
 OP if or when you ever get married, i hope you are this understanding when/if your man has an affair (and if unfaithful ones are the sort that you usually go for, then there is a good chance of him cheating on you in turn)
it is not just the homewrecking women that get berated, it is anyone who partakes in affairs.
you may find it unfair that you are thought of as low for doing the dirty with a married or attached man. life is not always fair, and personally i don't have sympathy for you, i have it for a wronged spouse who sits at home while they are being cheated on. affairs are wrong and that's a fact of life, sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): This is a comment to the answers here:A marriage certificate is not ownership papers. It is an legal agreement and a promise. The legal part can be terminated (divorce) and promises are broken all the time.You can't steal a person away because you don't own them like cattle. Humans don't own humans.If breaking promises was punished by death - no one would take the chance by making one.People change - circumstances change - life changes - and guess what - feelings change too. Marriage is a partnership that needs to be nurtured by both parties and not taken for granted.Maybe it wasn't stealing - maybe it was lost and found by someone else?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): You are very right. The woman always takes the blame in these situations although it is obviously a two way street. Woman get called sluts and homewreckers. Guys are cheats and rascals but for some reason men are excused because they just can't control themselves and it is our duty as women to keep them in line. Such BS.It always comes down to someone made the first move and someone didn't say no.I won't judge you but just make sure you do not fall in love with a married man. You do not want to be a mistress to your lover (read up on this site about that). You have made no committment to anyone but you are carrying on with a deceit. If you feel you are okay in what you are doing just go ahead and introduce yourself to his wife."Hi, I'm so and so. Your husband and I sleep together." I guarantee he won't be okay with that.He is using you and if you are okay with that, fine.Just don't fall in love with him - no matter what he says to you. Don't give your heart to a man living at home with his wife. They say they are gonna leave but most of the time they don't.Most woman know their husbands are cheating. They live in denial but they know. If they choose to keep them, then the heartache is their own choice.Men don't do that. Why do women make excuses for men and tolerate behavior they shouldn't? It is really quite pathetic.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): thanks for posting this question anon. aunts!! it's easy to berate, but you should understand those mistresses situation too. i also loved a married man. yes, it's wronggggggg. do u know? i never found love. i never liked single men who wanted to marry me. they were not of my kind. yet, this man was amazing, a man of my choice. he had everything i love of a man. and he loved me so much. his love was water for desert. ha ha...at last he cheated on me too. i loved him because i didn't find the kind of love i expect from a man in single men. i did nothing wrong to his wife too. it's me who coax him to call her more often, to buy gifts for her, to take more care of her. he kicked me out. ha ha ha. am i wrong?? aunts, there are no such dedicated, lovable loyal single men out there. believe me. and anon is 100% correct most of married men are cheaters. open your eyes. are you not on this planet earth??? however i love your advice. you all helped me a lot to make up my mind when my married lover cheated on me. i am a very good human. this is the only serious sin i have committed in my life and that was because i found love, love, love. god! he is married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): Female anon...(you say no matter what anyone says she never made him cheat..he had the choice to say no)
Yes he did have the choice and so did she, the problem here is the spouse who is ben cheated on has NO CHOICE, because they do not know...GET IT?
EXAMPLE: not as clean as one would like to believe.
The people who help to cover a crime even though they do not get their hands directly dirty are just as bad, and are responsible even though their plee is, but he did it...yes but YOU knew he vanished every night and washed his clothes and bathed as soon as he got in/ and you knew the community had a rapist that had struck the past four nights....but it was not me. Do you get the point hands are still dirty and the person could have phoned the police and stopped other rapes...but it did not effect her so she did not give a txxx.
Too many people in this sad old world that don't care about anyone else but 'ME ! MYSELF! AND I ! and have no backbone to stand in any truth...no respect for others or themselves...no mind to know right from wrong , no mind to know when to take responsibility for their actions...this attitude is warped and helps fxxx the lives up of innocent people that actually DON'T believe in LIES. Truth it is quite simple...we can fall in love with a married person not our fault..but those two people owe the third person the truth before enbarking on home wrecking..ALL CHEATRES should get the balls to finish their marriage before starting the cheating game. No amount of stupid justification can or will ever make LIES A TRUTH EVER!!!!!
SPUNKY MONKEY
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Female anon...(you say no matter what anyone says she never made him cheat..he had the choice to say no)Yes he did have the choice and so did she, the problem here is the spouse who is ben cheated on has NO CHOICE, because they do not know...GET IT?EXAMPLE: not as clean as one would like to believe.The people who help to cover a crime even though they do not get their hands directly dirty are just as bad, and are responsible even though their plee is, but he did it...yes but YOU knew he vanished every night and washed his clothes and bathed as soon as he got in/ and you knew the community had a rapist that had struck the past four nights....but it was not me. Do you get the point hands are still dirty and the person could have phoned the police and stopped other rapes...but it did not effect her so she did not give a txxx.Too many people in this sad old world that don't care about anyone else but 'ME ! MYSELF! AND I ! and have no backbone to stand in any truth...no respect for others or themselves...no mind to know right from wrong , no mind to know when to take responsibility for their actions...this attitude is warped and helps fxxx the lives up of innocent people that actually DON'T believe in LIES. Truth it is quite simple...we can fall in love with a married person not our fault..but those two people owe the third person the truth before enbarking on home wrecking..ALL CHEATRES should get the balls to finish their marriage before starting the cheating game. No amount of stupid justification can or will ever make LIES A TRUTH EVER!!!!!SPUNKY MONKEY
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 And she had that option too. She is not obliged to say yes to anything that's callous/shady/ devious/morally questionable etc. etc. She can decide she does not care and will just do whatever she wants to do and up yours to everybody else - that's surely an option - but then , bellyaching because mean nasty people scold her and dislike her and say mean nasty stuff about her is hilarious bordering with ridicolous.
Do what you want to do- nobody can stop you- but then do not demand that other people has to like it, or swallow their disapproval !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Everyone has the choice not to cheat, regardless of what the other woman or other man does to attract attention. Therefore, I do wonder why so much time and energy is often devoted to lecturing the other woman. Unless the man in question is physically forced to engage in a physical relationship with someone other than his significant other, HE is the source of the cheating and is, in my opinion, where advice would be best directed. Because - no matter what anyone says - she didn't MAKE him cheat. He had the option to say 'no'.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 August 2011):
I get the feeling you are not married, and I wonder if you'd still write the same post if you were married and your husband had a mistress.
Would you still feel that the other woman is not doing anything wrong, not crossing any boundaries , and well within her rights as long as she does not break a criminal law ( btw , in some countries, and not necessarily Thirld World ones, adultery IS punished by law ). Would you still think it's only the husband who is a cheater and the other woman has no faults and is not to be blamed ? .
Anyway the answer to your question is rather simple : because in our current times and society, scheming and conniving to take something that is not yours and not intended for you is , if not universally, at least widely deemed wrong, bad, despicable and reproachable. You are supposed to leave alone what is not yours : including husbands.
You might object that monogamy / sexual exclusivity is a purely rational, social construction , not a biological law, so assuming that it's a good idea and a principle that must not be tampered with ,is simply a matter of opinions. Ah well. There are people who feel the same about private property. In a way they are right. Suppose that you've got a car , I don't have one and can't afford one. But I need it more than you, I am older and less affluent than you, why should not I just take yours ? Why should we not be given according to our needs, and not to our merits or strengths . So if you are alone and need love and sex badly, why should you get your own man, why can't you just get some other lady's ?....
Because ( thank God, I say ) our customs and society, by common consensus, won't allow it. If I take your car without your consent , I go to jail- and if you sleep with my husband without my consent, you get berated, and you richly deserve it .
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male
reader, mbill48 +, writes (18 August 2011):
It looks like you got a few of the answers. Most people never check to see what people have said with this question I know you will check. Truth be told some of the answers you won’t get because you are anonymous. You won’t get a bashing from me but I will tell you a story.
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (18 August 2011):
 Seriously, we are all going to hell in a hand basket. Britain used to require people to wear gloves, court, declare intentions and leave calling cards. We have gone from this to admitting sleeping with married men and declaring innocence within 4 generations and having the general public declare it "Okay"!
WTF. SERIOUSLY?????
Anyone who can't see the problem with interfering with "Those whom God has joined together; let no man (woman) put asunder.". Good for you Hunnie. Excellent morals and I wish your future husband good luck, and good luck to raising successful children who respect themselves, society "in general", meaning others; and the community at large if this is what you choose to defend as free speech.
Not what I prefer to impart to my children as the way to be a real stand up human being and neighbour in society. We lead by example.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): I'm not sure if this is a serious question or not, but the reasons why someone who does this will be berated are pretty obvious. What you're doing is wrong. It doesn't matter whether you're a man or a woman, married or single. Many single people do intentionally cause harm to good relationships which may be having some problems, and they go to great lengths to do this. Sometimes with ill intentions, sometimes with the idea to get a better mate fo r themselves with no concern for the pain and devastation they cause. Families are often broken, irreparable harm is caused to children, people are harmed! When women or men are berated for having affairs it is usually because they have no concern for what they're doing. You have a choice to involve yourself with someone who is available.I have seen answers which do not berate, but instead try to explain that this is wrong and that it's a doomed relationship which will only cause that person, and other people harm. Very few affairs turn into anything more because the relationship, if it's more than sex, is based in part on lies and harming other people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): I can promise you will feel a lot worse when the affair is over, you are still head over heels in love with the guy but he has ran away crying to be consoled by his wife whose universe you have just shaken. That leaves you with nothing and her with a lot of work to put up towards repairing what you have broken.Ask yourself just this: would you rather be in the shoes of the wife or of the mistress when the affair ends? If you are thinking to answer THE WIFE, then you fully deserve the man as a PRIZE. A treasure indeed.In some cultures, the people who were caught stealing were punished by having their hands cut off. Think about if that would apply to cheaters ... do you really think 90% of the married people would be submitted to the punishment? And if you don't like the advice offered here, why bother asking for it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Hi
You are right no one has a perfect relationship, and yes often one of the party is cheating on a partner...and sometimes the significant 'other' does not know they are married, yet some do know. This actually makes those who do know cheats, even if they are single...in a number of ways, they are cheating themselves out of a fair relationship and are given the scraps, broken promises, and false hope, second place....now in my eyes this falls short of a good relationship and is more often than not built on nothing solid.
I would not want to be second best, are we not worth far more than that, i think we all are. Prudish does not come into it , wld dirty sex is great but i for one don't beg borrow or steal it.
To have the knowledge that some child may loose a parent through divorce caused by a 3rd party is something you should maybe consider. Maybe you should consider the spouse who believes that their marriage is for life and they invest their LIFE into a LIE. Maybe you should consider the worth also of the third party. Law ....it's more about your own law and what you believe to be right and wrong.
You say it's today's world to cheat...it's disheartning.
Integrity is something you can stand alone in.... You know something has made you question this.
It's your life but remember you are playing a significant role in all the lives when cheating.
Anyway not here to attack you and i wish you well...but cheating is cheating and destroys lives yours included.
spunky monkey
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 August 2011):
 "I want somebody to reply and tell me exactly why and when a law was made stating that women who sleep with married men are wrong?"
In a nutshell. Because it is wrong in just about every culture, lawbook and religion on the planet.
Unless you are in a relationship that includes polygamy, polyamory, or an open relationship..sleeping with someone else's spouse (regardless of gender) makes you an adulter.
You do not need to be the married participant to be doing wrong. You are encouraging someone to be unfaithful.
If you helped someone break an entry into a house, but did not do the actual stealing, you are still an accomplice to the crime and there are still consequences to deal with.
If you are an unmarried/unattached person and sleeping with married people and getting judged for it.....try not sleeping with married people.
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female
reader, truckermom +, writes (18 August 2011):
 It takes 2 to tango but that man is 90 percent at fault I believe
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female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Why shouldn't women be berated when they sleep with married men? They're disrespecting the man's marriage, his wife, and herself. If you're expecting more validation besides yourself, then you won't get it. Cheating is cheating, it's wrong no matter who it's with. And the woman is being stupid for not seeing the consequences and that she's really just a sex buddy for the guy and nothing more. He will never leave his wife and many women who get into these affairs already have too many feelings for the guy so they can't accept the truth. But cheating is cheating, the women know what they are doing so they should get no sympathy at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Why would you want to be with a married guy, what makes you think he won't ever cheat on you if he is cheating on his wife already with you? he has made vows, to FORSAKE others... oh my goodness I can't believe you think you are not guilty of cheating...hellooo? You are cheating yourself more than anything, to be with someone who is not available
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): You honestly did not just say every married man cheats!! that is complete bull shit! every unhappy married man cheats! and if you know that man has made a vow to stay with someone but yet you sleep with him anyway, that makes you just as bad! I can honestly say I have never wanted to cheat because I think it is completely wrong.. if you're not happy with someone, dont be with them... it is as simple as that. Also it is obvious if a man is just sleeping with a girl but not leaving his wife then he only wants sex from her.
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female
reader, bunnyblueeyes +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You could also ask 'why do some women think they are excempt from blame because they aren't the ones cheating?'
It all boils down to your moral compass. Most people think that having an affair is wrong as some one always gets hurt. How about lookong at it from the wifes side?
I would hold both parties responsable. If the mistress knows he's married then she is at fault too.
It seems to me you're trying to convince yourself its okay even though you're not sure.
I'm not religious but as for the last question,I believe that law was in a little book called The bible!
Good luck
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 August 2011):
The fact your asking this (=looking for validation of your opinion) means you're not so sure about it. After all, if you really believed that there's nothing wrong with having an affair with a married man you wouldn't care about what others think. You don't have to be honest with us (you're too insecure for that) but atleast be honest with yourself.
Have a good day.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You say that 90 percent of the married people you know are cheating. How do you know? Your comment "every married man cheats": what basis have you for assuming that? You're on shaky ground when you make blanket statements such as this.
Society has, throughout history in most cultures world-wide, imposed restrictions on the behavior of married people. True, most of these were directed at the wives. Do you know why? Because when birth control was non-existent, it meant a man could not be sure that his wife's pregnancy was always from him. If she had cheated, her husband would be responsible for bringing up another man's child in the household. If he could not be sure it was his, then another man's son could inherit everything - land, property, goods, etc. when the husband died. Can you imagine how disruptive this would be if cheating was regarded lightly by the society?
As other aunts have pointed out, it's mostly women who come here asking questions about affairs with married men. However, it goes without saying the married (or committed) man who cheats is equally guilty. And, it never ends well.
Not for the "other woman" and not for the wife.
If someone is attracted to a married man or woman, the decent thing to do is hold off on the affair and if the married man/woman should decide his/her marriage is so broken as to be completely irreconcilable, then do the decent thing: get separated, get divorced, after providing for any children and any support his/her ex might need.
You say "we're not married or in a relationship ourselves, so we're not the ones who are cheating." Ah, but "you" are what, if it was a legal matter, would be called an accessory to the crime. You're helping him betray his wife.
And yes, being attracted and thinking about someone is one thing. But thoughts don't have to lead to action.
I myself am a child of divorce. Years ago when I was nine, my birth mother (now deceased, not my step-mother) had an affair with a married man and left my father and myself, very suddenly one afternoon. Guess what? The man she had the affair with refused to leave his wife and children for her.
As for me, it took many years before I could overcome the anger and hatred I felt toward her and to heal in other ways. I'm telling you this as an illustration of the wreckage that affairs often cause.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 So people should be respectful to home-wreckers' feelings, even though they're not showing the same respect to the married partner of their lover... grow up.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 August 2011):
Because ultimately it shows that the woman has no respect for herself, or the wife of the married man. It shows that she is untrustworthy, that she seemingly knows few boundaries, that she is dishonest. A woman having sex with a married man isn't some victim who can be placed upon a pedestal where we all cry for her when it goes wrong. She's someone who made a terrible judgement and won't accept responsibility.
And berating is not not exclusively reserved for the woman - it's dished out to the cheats themselves. It just depends on who asks the question.
What I find terrible is that clearly there are some women and men who make the usually incorrect decision to see married people in the first place. It takes someone who feels low about themselves and the world to do that really.
In the end, in this world, honesty counts. The more honest you are with yourself and those around you, the less likely you are to be judged and seen as some outcast. If you choose to see a married man, knowing that your actions are making a mockery of his wife and family as much as his actions, you can't blame everyone else when they decide that you're untrustworthy and berate you for the pain you have chosen to cause with no regard for the consequences.
A woman or man seeing someone that is married and cheating, is just someone who is dishonest. And that's it.
You say you're fed up with people taking the so called 'moral high ground' - no one takes the moral high ground. There are those who do the right thing, and those who do the wrong thing. There's no 'high ground'.
And you must lead a truly sad, lonely life if you really believe that seeing a married man isn't wrong. Perhaps that's why you're so fed up - maybe it's just more convenient to blame those who judge you than it is to look at yourself and make changes in your life that would make it more positive. Because the woman having the affair with the married man is in a far worse place that the married man. Whatever causes you to believe that marriage stands for nothing, that caring for another man's wife when she has a crap cheating husband doesn't matter, and that 90% of people cheat is worse than all the judgement you can ever get on here.
You can change people's judgement of you by doing the right thing. But that can't happen until you change yourself. And that can't happen until you accept responsibility for your actions. No wonder this world is crap - no one cares for anyone. It's just easier to ignore the pain you cause and blame it all on the cheating husband.
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reader, soon567 +, writes (17 August 2011):
Theis not one cheater male/female that cheats by themselves, most likely theyre cheating with anothers so to say only one of you is the cheat is like saying (he rob the bank and i was just standing there) no both of you are equally guilty. If you classify them as a cheat then you need to be honest and classify yourself as a cheat. Its your moral character, yours is no better than his, bad upbringing from your parents. Everything start from the home and if youre sleeping with marry people then there was some serious miss guided teaching somewhere in your life. Sleeping with married men/women is normal or accepted especially today. You need the moral character to walk away or gather the courage to let them know your sleeping with their spouse, especially the wife. A man can sleep with an infected HIV person then sleep with his with yet he could walk without getting infected himself. A lot of infection are pass through blood.Here is a law for that still on the books in Texas: a spouse can leagally sue you in court for interfering in there marriage and be awarded damanges.If this is how your parents raise you to be a productive citiz, then what does that say?If you need to cheat then that hiding something, if you need to hide it then its wrong. Be a woman and hold your head up high instead of down between his knees. We all knows what he cannot get his wife to do, he can always get his B to do. I had plenty of chance to cheat and someone willing to do it, yet i choose not too. I never been afraid to be by myself nor been afraid to seek someone else. I felt they day i need another one is the day i need to file foe divorce. Never put yourself in a situation where you have to cheat, look at them from a cross the table, if that isnt what you want for god sakes leave them. Its easier then you think. If youre cheating with a marry person then youre a cheater.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Well, I can speak for myself. In my opinion, the reason why cheating creates such a visceral response in people usually emanates from either past experiences, or a friend that's been hurt by its effects. When a parent cheats on the other parent, the kids do feel pain that no kid should feel. Yes, I know things happen, but that is traumatic when it seems like "Daddy left" or "Mom doesn't love me anymore" because kids don't know what's going on.
Personally, I have FAR more angry feelings towards the married person who cheats than the third party, unless that third party is also cheating on their spouse as well. I don't hold the other person blameless though...they're the accomplice to cheating.
Until just not too many years ago, there were MANY laws that stated that women who sleep with married man were wrong. In fact, in the Uniform Code of Military Justice governing the military of the USA, it's still a crime that people can lose their job for.
What I haven't agreed with is the disbalanced view of the "other woman" in regards to adultery. If my husband ever cheated on me, I'd hold him far more responsible than the other women, unless she was my friend or relative.
You're right. The man is the cheat. However, the other woman is a willing accomplice, and the damage done to the family, especially with kids, is also on their heads. There's no getting around it.
It's degrading for the other woman. Honestly, why be someone's dirty little secret? Why must the dates be nothing more than hidden sex trysts? A relationship cannot grow in a healthy manner. Affairs are most demeaning for the other woman. They are being used and empty promises made to them.
I also reject the notion of "You can't help who you fall in love with." Yes, you can. You can't help who you develop feelings for, but you can help your actions in either nurturing or ignoring those feelings. Example -- if my best friend's husband revealed his feelings for me, and I'd had them for him, it's my responsiblity to say "I will not be disloyal to my friend OR my husband" and give the guy no chance whatsoever to chase me.
Married couples experience an ebb and flow within their relationship. There are hard and stressful times, and there are good times! There will always be passing crushes and opportunities, but a strong person takes steps to nourish their relationship, not erode it.
You won't see sympathy from me, and I've heard all too many stories of women who had affairs with married men who dearly regretted it and wasted years being used and lied to. The few who the husband left his wife for her, 80% of those fail because the cheating was serial cheating by the man. There's no trust from the start, and a marriage has to have trust, or it will be gravely weakened from the very start.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2011):
 As a spouse that was in an open marriage that caused the ruin of a marriage I am going to comment. While I was NOT cheating my behavior had I not been open and honest about what I was doing WOULD have been an affair and cheating... and it did cause the end of my marriage.
As the adult child of a man who cheated on his wife I will answer this as well...
1. I seriously doubt that the percentage of cheaters is 90% I'll be happy to give you 30% but then at any given convention I attend probably 30% of the participants are in open marriages and carrying on as well. If you are not including open relationships where the spouses are open and honest about their extra curricular activities I can't go with 90% if you add in the open relationships 30% may jump to 45% or a bit higher but there is no way that 90% of the traditionally married population is cheating at any given time. But I guess you need to think that to help justify your statements.
Single women who knowingly sleep with married men are making a choice that is not a good choice. Of course the man is in my opinion even guiltier but MORAL ETHICAL people do NOT take what is not theirs to take and married people who sleep with others without their spouse's permission are not moral or ethical and people who choose to enable this behavior are culpable as well. IT goes both ways. Married women who sleep with single men without permission of the spouse are just as vile as the men.
BUT NOTE very few single men have long term affairs with married women? Do ya ever wonder why? Probably a self-esteem issue. They think they are WORTH better treatment... These single women should think the same... yet they don't.
And yes I know PLENTY of men and women who are never tempted to stray and even if they are tempted it's actions that count there are no thought police... I'm tempted to eat ice cream every day but I don't. I'm tempted to drink alcohol daily but I don't. I see a handsome man or a pretty girl that's my type and I'll tell the boyfriend "oh he's on my "to do" list" Just means they are attractive not that I want to sleep with them. I actually no longer want an open relationship... I've given the boyfriend permission to "hit that" and yet even with permission he does not... hmmm.. interesting... yes?
my relationship is far from perfect. NO Long term relationship is perfect... nothing in life is perfect but ya make compromises. You accept imperfection.
my marriages have not been perfect but instead of CHEATING I tried to fix them when they were unfixable I ENDED them.
how hard is that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): There is no law against it. Its more morals than law.
Men cheat with married women, married women cheat with married men, single women cheat with married men
Single women and men have the choice though,they are free to date who ever they want. So why pick on a married man/woman, who has a wife/husband already? Why make life complicated, why sneak around,lie to have sex with a man/woman who is having sex with somebody else ? Who is already emotionally attached.
Just because they want a younger model, or older in some cases? The emotional fall-out is clear from questions on here,the end result is never pretty.
And its not what todays society is about at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Just because you are not married or in a relationship, does not make it right if you knowingly sleep with a married man/woman...simple. If you know they are married or in a relationship then you should walk away, why would you want to ruin someones life, childrens lifes, you can't possibly condone that!!It is mainly women that come on here asking the questions about cheating and if a man came on here asking then they would get the same responses because weather it is a man or a woman it isn't right!!I can reply to you and say no, no relationship is perfect, I know that, you would be lying if you say your relationship is perfect, every couple has problems and every couple argues. But it is how you deal with it that counts and cheating is simply not the answer. Marriage takes work, you will always have to work at a relationship especially if you are with someone a long time because things change, people change, thats life. Yes society is changing and cheating is happening more and more but it doesn't make it right not at all. Weather it is a man or a woman doing the cheating, it is still wrong no matter how much you try to defend yourself, its wrong, how can you ever condone cheating, if your not happy then get out and do it properly, don't hurt someone in that way.I was with my husband for 7 years and no I didn't ever look at another man, why would I, I am not like that, I would never cheat or knowingly sleep with someone either in a relationship or married. Alot of cheaters/homewrecekers out there do not realise the hurt and pain they course when they do what they do not only to the the person wife/husband they are cheating on but their children too. You tell me that hurting children is right, no child deserves that. Of course people are going to get on their high horse when it comes to cheating, why shouldn't they, not everyone cheats and this site is about giving your honest opinions and cheating is always going to be one of those topics where you see things you do not like nor agree with because everyone has their own views but it seems to me that the majority of people do not agree with cheating and if you come on here asking a question because you are sleeping with a married man then you are going to get honest answers and if you do not want them then do not ask the question.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (17 August 2011):
 Because they're the ones asking questions on here? When the married man or married woman comes on here asking if they should cheat they get berated much more. But as far as "berating" people asking if they should be the other woman or man, it's because cheating always leads to heartbreak. Always. There is NO situation in which cheating does not lead to heartbreak for someone, either the person the cheater is already with or the person he/she is cheating with. Cheating is just overall a crappy situation. It has nothing to do with being prude. Even if you are "the other woman" it's a whole lot of waiting and hoping that your married man will leave his wife, and he almost never does. I can think of no situation where cheating leads to anything positive.
Also being tempted to cheat is very different from actually doing so. I doubt there are many people who've been involved for a long time who don't think about it. That doesn't mean they act on it.
It must feel very lonely to be convinced that 90% of married people cheat.
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reader, eek +, writes (17 August 2011):
 as a man i have never cheated. I have also never entered into a relationship with someone who is in a relationship. I am 100% loyal to any partner i am with. As any person in a relationship should be. If your even thinking of looking else where you should end the relationship your in before you look else where.
My ex cheated on me and lied to me. We were together over nine months till i found out she was seeing an ex behind my back for three months which she then left me for. Anyone who cheats or knows that they are with someone that is cheating on a partner is the lowest of the low in my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): "Were not married or in a relationship ourselves so we are not the ones who are cheating. It is the man that is the cheat."Yes, it is the man who is the cheat, but it is the woman who is sleeping with him who has no respect for the wife on the other end, or for herself quite frankly.Being tempted is not the same as doing it."Out of all the married men I know including bosses/friends/colleagues/inlaws/neighbours, I'd say 90% of them have or are cheating, mostly with younger lovers."Don't know where you live and who you associate with, but that is simply not born out by studies. Most people don't cheat apparently...yeah, most of us simply don't. Call us what you will."Its what todays society is about, every married man cheats, what gives people the right to say what's right or wrong?"They call it "cheating" for a reason. Think about it. Playing fair is a whole other ball game. Cheating is taking advantage of the other person behind their back.I've never cheated, my wife has, with a married man...she felt great for a while, a couple of weeks...then felt like shit for years afterward. She could have posted many of these same questions on here. People judge themselves much more than you realize apparently, the harsh words here are nothing compared to what people think of themselves in private.So, ask the cheaters, why do they judge themselves so harshly? I think, in the end, it is because they know they are hurting someone else who is helpless to prevent it.Sort of like stealing candy from a child and slapping them in the face gratuitously...just to make yourself as an adult feel better, powerful, etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): It's not women who sleep with married men are wrong, it is that anyone who sleeps with anyone that is married to anyone else is wrong. I am sorry but your opinion that everyone cheats is misguided. I agree a lot of people do, but it doesn't make it right. I know that I would never sleep with a married man unless he was married to me. I hope you feel better after your rant. It's not about being a prude it's about knowing right from wrong and respecting yourself as well as other people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Eyeswideopen, thanks very much for you reply- though a little pointless. Couldn't quite argue my question was that it?
As for batista, thankyou for a more usefull and better educated reply.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Tell me about it!its such double standards huh, but as they say we are in a mans world hun so what they can do will be considered blokey and typical, but when a woman so much as winks at a guy whos spoken for shes tried,sentanced and convicted by all- in the next breath huh!I know of two incredably happily married women who are with men that is slightly older then themselfs, who they met whilst these guys were with wives or spoken for, and there marrege was completely dead in the water but the men stick around out of responsibility, children, fear and many many reasons. Gradually getting depressed and miserable....They are convinced their miserable marrege is all there is to life and that they must stay miserable for the rest of their life as the alternative is to be called a cheat, a home wrecker or worse....where as (not all admittedly) but alot of these wives have (wheather they admit it or not) given up on the marrege as well, no longer interested in intimacy, totally p***y-whip the men and probably have lucid affairs threw out the marrege as well, but they will not be the first to leave as that way they cant play hard done by and the victim!Good on you for posting this blog, i dare say you will get abuse for it but Hipocracy and Denial seems to be what people are made of these days.takecare
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): The intention behind it is what is wrong. It is selfish and it is malicious. It is true that the person in the marriage is the one who is legally bound to his or her vows. They are just as wrong too.
But you can only be responsible for your own actions. And if you (the paramour) is creating a post about your affair, then obviously much of the criticism is going to be directed toward you.
And you are 100% accountable for your own part in the affair. To take no accountability as you are doing is like saying it is ok to drive drunk as long as you are not driving your own car. We all know that is not true. It is just an excuse to shirk and dismiss your own wrong doing.
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reader, Battista +, writes (17 August 2011):
Cheating is wrong. No-one would really be able to condone it, certainly not me, and it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman doing it. It's equally bad.
The fact is that on here there seem to be an awful lot more questions from women who are sleeping with married men asking for advice than from married men who are having affairs. That's what I seem to see anyway. In that case, for the most part aunts and uncles tend not to take prisoners when giving their opinions on what the woman should do.
I would also add that thinking about hooking up with someone and actually doing it are two very different things and I don't really think they are comparable as you seem to imply in your fourth paragraph.
I also think that hooking up with someone who is already in a relationship is just asking for trouble. Another fairly common question on here is "why won't he leave his wife for me", as is "why won't she leave her husband." There are bound to be far more problems when embarking on a relationship with someone who is already attached.
I'm sure a man who came on here asking for advice regarding his married female lover would get as equally berated as if the genders were reversed. But the fact is, it is largely women who post those types of questions.
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reader, Newbie31 +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You should respect yourself enough not to go sleeping around with men who have made a vow to another person. You are just as much at fault than the married person. What's the point of a relationship if everyones just going to cheat? Yes, it's human nature to be tempted, but that doesn't mean everyone indulges themselves. Where I see your frustration is that it is no one's business of whether or not you are being loyal to your partner. No one has a right to demoralize you because you sleep with married people. I just think that you should know in yourself that it is morally wrong. And if you don't see it as wrong, then so be it.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 August 2011):
ha ha ha ha I hope you feel better after your little rant.
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