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*esperado
writes: I have done a really bad thing and I just don't know what to do!The other night my Boyfriend of 4 and a half years and myself stayed with one of our very close male friends.We shared his bed, which we have done before. I was in the middle. We were all fairly drunk after a party and I fell alseep quickly. I was half woken up by what I thought was my boyfriend touching me very intimately. I was still half asleep and thought nothing of it until that he started taking it further and I woke up! Only to realise it wasn't my boyfriend it was our friend! I went mad I couldn't believe what had happened and he said he didn't know what had happened either and told me he hadn't realised it was me!My boyfriend did not wake up, but he had been in the same bed as us while it was happening! Our friend said that we should not say anything as it was just minutes and we didn't know what was happening and if we were to say anything we would lose so much!However I don't know if I can live with the guilt.I love my boyfriend so much and don't want to lose him.I have never cheated before!!I feel sick and hurt, and that our friend took advantage!What should I do? Please help me!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2006): Er...your friend said he didn't realise it was you?! Who else did he think it could be?!
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male
reader, PsychicHigh +, writes (17 November 2005):
Personally as a guy I would like know when my girlfriend would do something like as this.
It may not be your fault, but don't forget that even though you may have come to a decision in your head that it wasn't cheating or wrong, your boyfriend may consider so. If you don't tell him of this, it will just expand later on where that same friend may try that again and you will let him go farther.
If your boyfriend does love you, he will get fustrated over what happened, but it's something that your friend and him have to sort out, not just you. Since that happened it shows that your friend needs something to talk about to your boyfriend.
Alcohol is no excuse to let yourself go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): that was a terrible answer joislack!! seriously...its not a big deal! mistakes happen. he is a close friend so dont screw it up by telling your bf! you sorted it yourself with him. if you tell your boyfriend he will get angry at you too and it wasnt your fault. what he doesnt know wont hurt him. YOU DID NOT CHEAT! its not cheating if you were sleeping! lol. at least you have good morals. just shrug it off. xo.
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female
reader, joislack +, writes (10 November 2005):
hey i don't think it was rape if a woman out herself into that situation.it is one thing to wear tight clothing or walk alone at night but you were in the bed.and why were you going to even have sex with your boyfriend in the same bed someone else was sleeping in. that is too close for comfort. it is so silly the way people prove to be down by doing the dumbest things. like drinking after other people,smoking together, and the latest sleeping in the same bed. you are not a child. you are a grown woman.you knew better and i can't wait for your boyfriend to find out through you or anybody else! he deserves to know because that is trifeling! he deserves a better woman and friend. you are typical and you two have obviously had sexual tension between yourselves. don't blame it on the alcohol. you probably kept checking to see if he was going to awake from the movements you two made. why did yall even sleep in the same bed.that was a set up.if you were his company he could have found yall somewhere to sleep. or he could have slept somewhere else. and you poor boyfriend probably has a drinking problem where it affects him so much it makes him passed out. are you sure you two didn't pretend to be drunk until he passed out?
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female
reader, Topps +, writes (31 October 2005):
You have loads of replies that I scanned through. My thoughts make me think if my own BF. He wakes (or more to the point doesnt wake) with a 'morning glory'. He will touch me or whatever. When we wake in the morning, I can tell him what he did in the night and he has no memory at all esp. if he been drinking. It maybe the same and no hurt was intended. I just cant see why you would sleep in the middle! and why you BF thought that was ok?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005): You said you thought it was your boyfriend? Even if it was your boyfriend touching you isnt that a bit weird while your sharing with a 'friend'? Also how 'asleep' was your boyfriend? Unless he was passed out or an idiot he's bound to have an inkling!To the people saying this is rape, shut up! Outragous!Dont feel bad; these things happen. Put it down to experiance and give both men a bollocking for allowing a drunk girl in the middle and not being responsible and looking after you!
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female
reader, TRUITY +, writes (5 October 2005):
Dear girl, what your friend did was rape you! Wheather you want to beleive it or not what he did was wrong - You should find the courage to discuss this with your boyfriend, otherwise the guilt of it could bust your relationship. The other boy did the wrong thing, but hey you have to ask yourself why you put yourself in such a situation in the first place? That is what needs to change
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male
reader, Dr Vincenzo +, writes (4 October 2005):
This is an awkward situation. Firstly, your boyfriends mate is a scumbag. He knew exaclty what he was doing. He was taking advantage of you, full stop.
This guilt is eating you up and so you have a choice to make, tell your boyfriend or get over the guilt. It was an accident on your part with no intent so you should be able to get over the guilt. The fact is your boyfriend will be very hurt when he finds out and it will cause problems for your relationship. But if you dont tell him then there is the chance his mate may spill the beans or more likely brag to someone else and this will be much harder for your boyfriend to deal with.
My suggestion is you come clean because you cant take the risk of him finding out from someone else.
What was he thinking letting you sleep in the middle anyway????????
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female
reader, cheeky_minx1987 +, writes (3 October 2005):
this lad friend or not knew exactly what he was... he might of been quite drunk but unless he was really really drunk he had a certain degree of control... you should not feel like it was you fault... it wasn't. your boyfriend will not hate you and you wont lose him the only person both of you might lose out of this is your friend. what he did was wrong and to lie and say he didn no what he was doing means he isnt even a true friend. if you tell your boyfriend what you have told us you will surely be fine!! you shouldn hold anything back the only reason ur 'friend' wantsyou to hold it back from your boyfriend is because he knows he was in the wrong but u have nothing to hide. good luck...
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (28 September 2005):
 'How is she loyal when shes keeping secrets from him?' you ask....ermm, i think thats the whole point of her posting this question?? Because she couldnt live with the guilt and doesnt want to keep any secrets from her boyfriend. I honestly dont see this as her keeping secrets from her boyfriend as I'm getting the impression that this incident has just only happened and she is confused at the moment...confused with what her mate has told her (which was to keep it a secret) and if her boyfreind could accept her for what has happened although it wasnt her fault! I see sometimes people can be harsh but not see the practical side of things happening. Yes, it was her fault to begin with for sleeping in the middle, but to be fair, she dozed off without the intentions of this happening, and she hadnt the faintest clue that that sleazeball touching her wasnt her boyfriend. I commend her for feeling the guilt shes feeling now and wants to do somthing about it (hopefully the right thing) and also the fact that shes disgusted with her mate and how he couldve taken advantage of her like that!! As Ive always believed, we're here to help, not to judge. Hope this clears the confusion of whats been said by myself.
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female
reader, FM  +, writes (27 September 2005):
I think your friend did know what he was doing, never the less, even if he didn't know you should tell your boyfriend, after all it is not your fault and you shouldnt feel like it was. What if the friend decides to tell him himself? then it will look bad for you and you could lose your boyfriend. If you tell your boyfriend what happened then he will be able to talk to your friend and stop this from happening again. Because even if your friend didnt know that the person next to him was you, and he just decided to touch that person and have sex with that person while they where sleeping that would be what I think is RAPE, and although you stopped him before it became rape it is still assault.. You need to tell your boyfriend, because you do not want to find yourself in the same situation again, I think this friend of yours was taking advantage of you because he knows of the situation between the 3 of you would get complicated and you would not talk, and he could very well use that one time to force you to do it again, because he will know then that you are too scared of losing your boyfriend or talking to anyone.
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male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (27 September 2005):
 This is easy. Lots of silly things happen when people are drunk and in many ways you're lucky it ended when it did. In the future do not share a bed with other males, and if you do, sleep on the OUTSIDE not the middle.
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female
reader, Delirius +, writes (27 September 2005):
THIS WILL EAT YOU UP INSIDE, DON'T LET A SEX OFFENDER RE-OFFEND. If you don't discuss this with your boyfriend, the anguish and disgust you feel inside will come out in at first subtle ways and then could affect your life in many major ways. You will all of a sudden not want to visit this friend or worse go along to hide what's happened and be stiff and uncomfortable which your boyfriend will notice. What happened was indeed SEXUAL ASSAULT and a major betrayal of trust by one you and your boyfriend thought a friend. The way you feel is not much less worse than a person who has been raped, it may pay to talk to a crisis counsellor for your own long term mental health. This guy knew exactly what he was doing, honestly, not that you probably could but don't trust him again. Your fella needs to know, this is not a friend he needs. It's awful, I know personally, please do not blame yourself. Some men just let fantasy slip into reality.
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (27 September 2005):
"You're a very loyal girlfriend and should be commended for that!!"
How is she loyal when she keeping secrets from him?
But part from that generally i agree with "I Dont Lie" (doesn't lie just distorts the truth abit sometimes)
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (27 September 2005):
What you did and feel was absolutely right!! You told him off for taking advantage of you and feel disgusted for him doing so! You're a very loyal girlfriend and should be commended for that!! Yea, sure he'd say dont tell it to your boyfriend. I reckon you should but be aware that if your boyfriend is not understanding enough, he might not like the idea of you being taken advantaged of. He might even try to take it out on you but I honestly think things will ok!! Never hide secrets, espcially not ones like this!! This is too big a lie to keep!
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female
reader, Green_Eyez +, writes (27 September 2005):
This is not your fault. This guy took advantage of you and I don't believe this nonsense about him not realising what he was doing. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was testing the water and if you'd have responded positively I have no doubt he would have taken things much further. If I were you I would tell your boyfriend what happened as this guy is no friend. Then he can explain himself to your fella.
I don't think you have anything to worry about - you didn't do anything wrong and you didn't 'cheat'.
Good Luck
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (27 September 2005):
You never cheated, you didnt want him touching you therefore its a sexual assault, if you keep it from your boyfriend he may find out and think you cheated which you didnt, you should tell him!
Then again its your fault, i understand why you would want to share a bed with your boyfriend even if its of a non-sexual nature, but why would you want to (technically i guess) sleep with your boyfriends mate?
I think the issues is you dont want to break the friendship of you and ur bfs close friend, you should both go up and tell your bf what happened and say he was drunk and he did it in his sleep and dreamt of someone he fancies and that he touched you - you dont say where though!
Now for the he didnt know what happened is utter bs to be honest, if you buy that then, you should live life in a plastic bubble... Come one hes mates girlfriend was sleeping beside him and being drunk was the opportunity of an alleby!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2005): Better to be honest and tell him. If he loves you, he will understand and see that it is not your fault. Better coming from you than someone else!
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female
reader, laurette +, writes (27 September 2005):
Firstly listen to yourself not your friend, you didn't do anything wrong so there is no need to keep this from your boyfriend , he will be upset but with this so called friend. If you keep it from your boyfried and some how it comes out , he will blame you and think you had something to hide because you didn't tell him, so the best thing to do is be honest with him, you never know it might be possible that he wasn't sleeping only pretending and is waiting for you to tell him what happened. Don't apologise because that would be admitting to something you didn't do , just tell him what happened and how upset you are with this friend that took advantage of you in your sleep. Don't over react because of nerves because he will suspect that there is more to what you are telling him.
He might go quiet for a while , or go for a walk to think about what you have just told him. Let him do that,if he doesn't believe you tell him to invite this friend round and confront him about it in front of you, if he isn't understanding about this , then he's not the man for you.
it's more that likely he'll understand if this friend says it was a mistake or he will tell this friend he's not welcome in your lives anymore.
I hope this advise helps. If you love your partner be open and honest because not telling him will hurt you both more if he finds out down the line...
laurette
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2005): You did not cheat although if i was your boyfriend i dont know whether i would see it that way although i am quite easily angered. If you know your boyfriend will believe you and take your side then tell him but remember to always use your better judgement. Do you want to lose your friend, do you want to loose your boyfriend? Just remember, It was not your faughlt but your friends.
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