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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a 39 year old married man with a 1 child. I had an affair about 8 years ago, I was found out, we went through a really tough time but managed to hold on. I have never felt quite the same about us since that time and I feel that it is only because of our son and the expectations of our families and friends that we remain together. I do not enjoy having sex with my wife and try to avoid it as much as possible. We have been together since school days, known each other for about 23 years and married for nearly 15. I do love her but maybe as a brother would love a sister. I recently have been approached by a 20 year old woman,we have flirted and chatted for a long time and she made the first move, we have secretly met just to talk and a little kissing on 2 occasions, we have both fallen head over heels for each other, problem is 1) obviously I am married albeit unhappily, 2) she is not of the same race as me, I am caucasian, she is colored, 3) she has a possesive boyfriend, 4) her parents dote over her and 4) she works for one of my largest clients. Now I know the marriage story, the age gap story etc etc and we dont care we are well suited have the same outlook on life, want the same things out of life etc, now the boyfriend found an sms I had sent her and all hell has broken loose, no one knows that it is me but she is in a state and I am also in a state because I really have fallen for her. Why must life be so hard.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2006): Thanks for your honesty. I think you should stay married and pray. Obviously, I don't know your religious persuasion so I will speak to you as if you are a christian. The reason I say this is because you committed adultery. I'm not saying your wife had nothing to do with creating an environment that made allowed the temptation but at the end of the day you made the choice. That is what created this feeling of being with your sister.
Your feelings can be restored if you want them to. If you act in loving ways, your emotions will follow. It will take time but it can happen. Your wife may need outside help to deal with any residual feelings as well.
In terms of the other woman, I have to say this and it pains me to do so but I wouldn't get involved with her. If she knows your married and you don't seem to have any intentions on divorcing, something is not right there. You will have to pray on that one.
Lastly, both of you are in a dangerous position. She may not think her boyfriend will hurt anyone but if he is possessive, he may very well. That is my biggest concern. I would also think about the danger she is putting you in by knowing what her boyfriend is like and not protecting you.
I guess overall, I would really question whether this is true love. Are you both putting the well-being of each other before your own desires? That's not easy to do when we find someone who we connect with and we are miserable in our marriages.
A
female
reader, wishes +, writes (28 September 2005):
 I am 22 and my partner is 40. He was possibily in the same situation as you, he was with his partner for almost 20 years (they never got married) and had children. We met and became the best of friends, decided that we were soul mates and life without each other would be dull and just plain wrong. It started off very harmless- although everyone around us saw the connection we had before we did! We fell in love even before we had kissed. I broke it off with my boyfriend as I figured that even if it didnt work out with my friend, it wasnt fair to have feelings like that for someone else and pretend that I was still in love with my boyfriend. It took a while, A LOT of hard work, tears, STRESS, but we are now very happy. We hurt a lot of people doing what we did. His kids are fine and stay over all the time. His ex went through a bad depression, high blood pressure, trying to get him back. His kids decided that they didnt want to see him (when they eventually found out about me) but that only lasted about a week. His ex has now moved on, and has a man of her own- which is really hard for my partner to see his kids with another man. But its all worked out for the best. You have lived the last how many years for someone else? Pretending that you are happy when really you are not? Im not saying that it will work with this other girl, but if it does it will be a long and hard road. Is it worth it? Nothing comes easy- but things that do, arent worth it anyway. Dont leave your wife for this other girl, but leave her (if you do) because you are not happy. Please stay in close contact with you boy- and stay friends with your ex as that will make his life so much better. Best Wishes.x Would be nice to find out how you go, or if you have anymore questions.
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A
female
reader, charlotte +, writes (28 September 2005):
Basically i know what you are going through because i have been in sort of a same situation , and basically i suggest you follow your heart.
It isnt fair on your wife if you stay with her, think it wud be better if you left her.Yer it might hurt her, but think it wud hurt her more if you stayed with her . i mean if it was her wudnt u rather it end thn to string u along.
If i was you i would leave your wife and be with this girl.
Try and encourage her to leave her boyfriend and be a support to her, if she has a possesive boyfriend shes better off with you, and obviously if youre making her happy then its you she should be with. If her boyfriend causes trouble then ring the police.
My advice would be to do what you want not what your friends and family would want you to do, at the end of the day its your life not theirs, its you thats got to stay with your wife and not be happy.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (27 September 2005):
Your question, why must life be so hard? Maybe because we create our own reality? Mabey because what goes around comes around? Maybe because some people can't stay faithful? Maybe because a lot of people don't know what they want and don't want what they have? Maybe because we dont know what we've got 'till it's gone.
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