A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I have a question for both men and women. My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. When it comes to sex, she claims to love it with me and tells me that I make her feel better than anyone has before - physically but then she starts to nag about the emotional aspect of it. I have told her before that the only thing I 'NEED' from her is good sex and we'll have a happy relationship. She has told me that some of the things I have said to her have made her very sad and feel inhibited with sex with me sometimes. Granted, I went through a stint of depression not too long ago and unfortunately took a majority of my anger and frustration out on her and said (according to her) some of the most mean things that anyone has said to her. I will admit, I told her that having sex with her is like having sex with a limp doll and that she is better when she's drunk - but that she's also a w--re when she's drunk. I also accused her quite a bit of being unfaithful when I know she would never do that to me. We are trying to move beyond these times and to be happy together and, as I mentioned before, I have told her that all I need is good sex for me to be who she wants me to be, "who [she] fell in love with". Why do women put so much emotion into the context of sex with their boyfriends? I met her as a one night stand, so why can't she just have sex with me like that all of the time? Why does she let the things I've said to her affect her physically with me?
View related questions:
drunk, fell in love, limp, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): Wow. If my boyfriend said any of the shit you said to your girl to me, I would have ripped him a new one && dumped his sorry ass. Do you truly love this girl? You obviously dont if you dont understand wheres she coming from.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Dude, what's wrong with you? How can you possibly expect everything to be her fault? I'm all my time of dating jerks, you're the worst. I've been called so much of the things you've said to her, and I went out the door not much later only to see him begging to have me back, and i'm a virgin!!
Who the heck cares if you were frustrated when you said those things!! You are soooooo lucky you haven't been kneed in the groin yet mister.
Change your attitude or she'll leave, I can garentee it. If anything she should be the one on here asking for help and we'd give her the advice to leave you, simple as that. No woman should have to deal with this kind of crap that you're doing to her, it's unfair.
...............................
A
female
reader, scarredkitty  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 Dude, what's wrong with you? How can you possibly expect everything to be her fault? I'm all my time of dating jerks, you're the worst. I've been called so much of the things you've said to her, and I went out the door not much later only to see him begging to have me back, and i'm a virgin!!
Who the heck cares if you were frustrated when you said those things!! You are soooooo lucky you haven't been kneed in the groin yet mister.
Change your attitude or she'll leave, I can garentee it. If anything she should be the one on here asking for help and we'd give her the advice to leave you, simple as that. No woman should have to deal with this kind of crap that you're doing to her, it's unfair.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (20 July 2009):
 A guy can say something, have an argument and be over it 20 minutes afterwards. A girl will remember EVERYTHING that you say for the rest of their life.
We, as women, eventually have to get over this in order to have sex with you idiots. Hope springs eternal, but it would be great if you actually got over yourself and behaved like responsible adult who has the love of an adoring female partner.
Where you stand, as a responsible male and as an adult is apparent to all of the women and gentlemen reading this.
But, of course, the woman that is involved with you is a typical woman and will have sex with you anyways.
And, as in the famous Mickey Mouse Club Show -
"Why?"
"Because we like you."
"M O U S E."
X^P
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (18 July 2009):
It's common knowledge that women like to have their emotional side nutured and it sounds as if you resent having to give this and don't have a need for it yourself. There's no point in trying to change her and it is certainly not acceptable that she be berated for who she is, this is both control and abuse. She needs to be accepted for who she is and it would be useful if you accept yourself for who you are. It sounds to me that you are feeling too compromised and perhaps you would be better off accessing a prostitute or commit to a relationship with a Man.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cutter +, writes (18 July 2009):
I think you really need to pur ur arse into gear if you want to keep her for much longer.
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
There is one good thing about you though, a lot of men would say that kind of thing, but never admit to it. At least you did. But if you want a good relationship, please listen and you need to literally beg for her forgiveness. That was terrible and realistically, she must love you a little, she stayed. Consider that a good thing (but stop mistreating her). She seems to be faithful and like she will stick with you through thick and thin. You are lucky to have her. Most women would have been out the door when you said that. I can't say that SHE is lucky. but YOU are.
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Also, "YOU will decide what to do with her"? Does she have any say in that? It makes her sound like a possession not a person. She is as important as you are, no more no less. Try "we will decide what we are going to do".
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Listen. First you need to stop projecting your insecurities on your poor girlfriend. You said you were depressed right? Chances are then that you are taking antidepressants. Most people who take antidepressants, especially the typical SSRI's, like prozac, paxil, you know, all the newer ones, cause some side effects. Do you know what the major sexual side effect of taking anti depressants are? Not being able to get an erection. So, IF that's the case, then you need to go to the doctor and be honest. Tell him you cannot get an erection on this medication, and you are young. This is important to you. You have been seriously taking it out on your girlfriend, and you need him to give you something that has less sexual side effects. If you have to take this medication, then for God sake's, ask for some viagra. Nobody has to know. You can even order them online. And no problem unless you take certain heart medications (nitrates or something like that). So, anyway, I noticed you were projecting your problems onto your girlfriend when you said that you thought she would cheat because you have and know what to look for. I don't think she is cheating, but you are lucky you still have her. You need to apologize. Tell her it was you, not her. It was your insecurities, that she's not a whore, she's a faithful woman who didn't even cheat on you when you were having these problems. Tell her all those things that you said were untrue and apologize and treat her well. Like a princess, because, you really really hurt her an she didn't deserve it. Also, go get the book she suggested, and another one, called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It will show the differences too. And don't deny the problem and blame her. IF your on those, then please consider that. If your not, then you should be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 July 2009):
 Your logic that because she's not interested in sex with you, that she's finding somewhere else simply floors me. You seriously have no idea how a woman's brain functions. Look, I'm trying to say this very nicely but it may come out nasty.
The problem is that somehow it's been decided that the male brain has the right 'settings' and that it's up to the women to conform to those settings. If they don't, then they are being idiotic, emotional creatures. Unlike those sensible, logical men who don't let emotion cloud their lives. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNK! Wrong.
You're applying masculine logic to the feminine. You are doomed to failure. When you accept and fully understand that a woman's way of approaching the world is as rich and as valid as a man's, you may be able to be in a healthy relationship. Right now, you seem to me to be all about yourself, and how she as an adjunct moon should be revolving around your masculinity.
Okay, time for a sweeping generalization, which are always dangerous and there are always exceptions to them, but sometimes I have to get extreme to make my point. To get you to THINK differently and process the information you're getting differently.
Men who choose women who are little more than a nice decoration on their arm, or find a woman to conform to their idea of what constitutes femininity are ultimately going to be disappointed in their choice. Why is that? Because any well-rounded woman, with a strong sense of self and a backbone won't put up with being thought of as a defective male. She'll be looking for a man who recognizes the difference between them and actually celebrates it instead of lamenting it, complaining about it.
There's a wonderful pair of songs in "My Fair Lady": "A Hymn to Him" http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/myfairlady/ahymntohim.htm followed by the wonderful female response ",Without You" http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/myfairlady/withoutyou.htm
Until you decide to try to accept and embrace that your girl thinks differently than you do, you will be stuck with girls with low self esteem. You may be charming and nice and sweet for 90% of the time, but that 10%, when you are really mean and nasty, that's what she thinks of as the real 'you.' The other part, the niceness and the being charming is just perceived as a facade. She may not consciously be thinking that, but something tells her this isn't right, being called a whore, being accused of cheating, being cut to the core at the most vulnerable part about her, her sexuality, just is not right.
I have some homework for you. I want you to borrow or buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/Different-Voice-Psychological-Theory-Development/dp/0674445449/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
In it, Carol Gilligan suggests that the using the male as the standard of what is considered normal psychological development is a huge disservice to women. There are plenty of criticisms against the book, such as insufficient research and bias, but let me tell you, if you want an 'aha' moment, and if you truly want to understand women better, read this book.
All that being said, I think you should cut her a break and let her go find a guy who treats her like a princess ALL the time, not just when he's looking for sex. Maybe you can find that woman-who-thinks-like-a-man out there, you'll never find her if you're in a committed relationship. And for heaven's sake, don't cheat on her. She feels low enough as it is.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): I am the original poster, thank you for all of the responses - it has been very insightful and we'll see what I decide to do with her.
To answer a question asked: I accuse her of cheating on me because I've done it to my ex-girlfriends so I know what to look for. She has never cheated on anyone (and has been cheated ON by her exes) but even though she says she likes the sex I think she's lying and if she doesn't like the sex then she has to be finding it somewhere else, right?
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (17 July 2009):
Just curious. Why would you accuse her of being unfaithful when you knew she wasn't?
...............................
A
female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Why do you keep calling her all those horrible names? You're rediculous. Have some respect for this girl, she's putting up with a disgusting scum bag like yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (16 July 2009):
Nail in the Fence
There once was a little boy who had a bad
temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his
temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered
it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father
about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that
he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally
able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone. The father took his son by the
hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. You
can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm
sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal
wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise
and they always want to open their hearts to us."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Would you want to have sex with someone who insulted you mister? I think not.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): I don't know. Surely any woman in her right mind would see that you're the catch of the century? I'm only surprised that they're not falling over themselves to get a piece of you.
Women eh? Will we ever understand them?
I jest, of course.
...............................
A
female
reader, jujubelover +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Tisha-1, you rock girlfriend! I can’t remember where I read this about the difference between men and women when is come to sex. In order for men to feel bonded to a woman, they need to have sex. Men have simpler needs. Women on the other hand, need to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and desired, especially out of bed. If you disrespect and insult us, I don’t this there are any woman alive that wouldn’t be limp ragdolls during sex. I can’t believe she still had ANY sex with you after your self-entitled tirade. Women’s most important sex organ is her BRAIN. You know what men’s are, right?! I would begin apologizing big-time to your poor girlfriend or do as other aunts and uncles suggested; find another girl that can put up with your egotistical, insensitive and self-absorbed personality. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Great answers, by all our excellent, esteemed Aunties, here. I have to say, Tisha gives you superb insight into what your gf is thinking when you treat her like pond-scum. I have nothing more to add to that wonderful answer from Tisha and the rest of the advisors. Now it's up to you to read all this over and over again and learn something of great depth and meaningfulness..about women. I sure hope all these 'words and answers' are not beyond your scope of truely becoming a more nicer human being and understanding the female gender, fully and completely. Take what's offered you-- absorb and 'learn'. Good luck with all this sorting out.
...............................
A
male
reader, Harry Castle  +, writes (16 July 2009):
 If you had to ask this question, you are incapable of understanding ANY of the answers here.
Harry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 July 2009):
"Honey, your penis isn't very big and frankly, you're not manly enough in bed most of the time. You want oral sex but you don't wash under your balls and you reek. It makes me gag." ---now tell me you didn't have an emotional reaction to that.
Here's what I expect your girlfriend has tried to get across to you, if only you would listen:
"I don't feel loved and cherished; I feel abused and accused and put down by you. I don't feel you say things to make me WANT to have sex with you; instead, what I hear from you is all criticism. How can I have happy sex with a man who makes me feel so low?"
"My brain is wired differently than yours; for me, as for many women, emotions ARE tied to how I feel about myself and being with you. I need to feel emotionally connected to you in order to 'let go' during sex. If I don't feel I can trust you, I can't 'let go.' My inner voice continues talking even in the middle of sex. It says things like, 'this is the guy who called me a whore. This is the guy who seems to think I'm a slut. This is the guy who thinks I'm crap in bed.' I couldn't possibly get aroused enough while these thoughts are running through my head."
"I get the sense that you have judged my brain and how it's wired and have concluded that male brains and the way they are wired are somehow the 'right' set-up. That female brains are wired wrong. That kind of judgment doesn't bode well for a long-term future with you because your default position is that you are correct and that I am the one who is wrong."
"You've dumped a load of your hurt and your anger and you've dropped it all on me; how do you expect me to erase all that from my consciousness? And you are angry with me now for not being able to hop happily into the sack with you. You even just said that you'll only be a decent guy to me if I conform to your demands. You are basically no better than an emotional blackmailer."
"Granted, a good orgasm feels great, and I like that feeling. The problem is that the physical feeling only lasts for an hour and then we have the rest of the day to interact--and I find our emotional connection then very lacking. In other words, out of the twenty-four hours of the day, I feel good for one hour, sleep for seven or eight, and the rest of the time, I'm stressed by being with you. I'm not sure that's worth it to me."
"Your idea of good sex is like an athletic event, timed out with no emotional connection. I like to be held and stroked and loved and snuggled and basically feel cherished. Sometimes, sex with you is like an aerobics class. I need the emotional connection. And that need is not a fault in me, it is how I'm built to connect with my lover. We need some balance, obviously, but I'm not sure you understand me and my needs well enough to provide it without this smoldering resentment you've just revealed."
-----
I'm just guessing and making an extreme case here but I wanted you to get a glimpse into her brain. Just think of women as being unable to compartmentalize their lives, as opposed to how some men do.
And I do think you have some serious work to do as well. Are you seeing a counselor or have you spoken with your doctor about your depression? Some self-awareness could really help you out as you go through life.
Take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): Thank you for all of your responses and yes, I do need to keep in mind that the biological needs of men and women are different.
And the more I let things sink in, the more I realize that I should clarify that I treat her well outside of the bedroom. She is my princess. However, I have always told her what my (as I have been calling it) 'NEED' is and when I became frustrated I would say very harsh things to her that she can not seem to forget.
I will put out my neck and also admit that I told her that other women (and provided names) had "f----- better" than her, that her "p-ssy is too big and stretched out", that if she is never passionate enough, and what I see as the worst is that when I was at my height of depression I told her that I would cheat on her if she did not meet certain needs.
Again, I said all of these things in the heat of being frustrated with her for not proving to me that she wants to be with me physically.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): face it, women have different emotional programming than men do. The genders brains aren't built the same way.
Men can screw someone and walk away if they want. Women aren't built that way because they could be stuck with a child that was conceived. So they're naturally prone to feeling like sex = relationship. We can invent birth control but a few million years of emotional development don't change overnight.
Some women are capable of having sex as casually as men do but they are in the minority. A lot more women try to do it because the culture says it works, but they discover that it doesn't work for them and it hurts them emotionally.
...............................
A
female
reader, auntylil +, writes (16 July 2009):
As a woman I don't really need emotional aspects to good sex so I am not sure. However you and your partner obviously have differing needs or desires within a relationship. Either you both decide to live with your own desires and perhaps compromise with each other i.e. try and be sympathetic to her needs and she will to you or you should just go your seperate ways.
Personally it sounds like you want different things. There are women out there who just want a laid back relationship with no long chats or emotional needs and just good sex and a laugh, perhaps you just need to find one more like that?
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, miamigirls1 +, writes (16 July 2009):
You are a heartless individual! You actually do not deserve to be loved by her or anyone else! Just let her love someone that deserves it and go around looking for Who^&*^res since that is what you really want, just sex.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura +, writes (16 July 2009):
 Men and women both need physical and emotional intimacy but women are especially sensitive to the emotional side and men the physical. We are different. If you make her feel special outside of the bedroom by paying attention to her feelings and considering her in what you do then she will be a more willing participant in the physical aspect of the relationship. This is also works the other way. If she were to be more sensitive to your physical needs you should be more willing to meet her emotional needs. It's a give and take type of thing. Women, in most cases, need to feel an emotional connection to their partner in order to really feel comfortable with a physical relationship. When you told her all you needed was good sex it likely made her sad as she needs more than that. If you start cherishing her in your everyday life by surprising her with love letters or a special unexpected date than things in the bedroom will improve. You can't expect her to give over to all your needs and expect nothing in return that isn't fair. If you were doing your best to fulfill her emotional needs and she still wasn't giving you the attention you needed physically you would stop wanted to fulfill her needs. i think you should sit down and ask her what would make her feel more comfortable that is if you are at all concerned about her needs. If she knows you are willing to put and effort forth you can both start building towards a relationship that works for both of you.
best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): r u serious? when you love someone, sex is about that, shes not some random girl you have no feelings for, ur suppose to be in love with this girl and i think by the sounds of it she deserves a lot better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2009):
 You have some serious issues.
You don't want a girlfriend you want a blowup doll. Do your GF a favor, dump her and find a girl who don't give a flying frig about you, but just wants sex.
...............................
|
