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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This question seems like a no-brainer at first... who's going to say they DON'T want honesty? But then I read all the posts on here from people (mainly guys, it seems) who are insecure about what their partners have done before them, and with whom, and it makes me wonder what guys are actually looking to hear when they ask this question. Numbers but no details? Or what? I am not ashamed of my past and would happily be up front about it to whatever degree my partner might want... I'm just not sure what that degree is. What's worth knowing, and what's TMI? [Mod note: We assume TMI = 'too much information']
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insecure, sexual past Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr. Average  +, writes (7 January 2011):
Be honest. Lies never last and they can destroy the relationship. At least if you are honest, you can both decide if that works for you. The dishonesty can hurt worse than whatever is being hidden. Trust is a basic factor, a "deal breaker".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): YES, Men always have the jealousy feeling of another partner using and want to be independent and single owner of a girl or a wife
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A
male
reader, alex74 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Be honest in general. But don't go into any details. Be very vague. I NEVER asked for ANY details, but my wife volunteered about her previous lover....larger size, lack of circumcision, stamina, ability to give her orgasms in certain positions (all stuff I'm not/can't).....is that enough or should I keep going?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): As a man, here's what I want to know:
1. Have you ever done ___?
2. Did you enjoy it?
3. Would you like to with me?
4. Am I doing it well (for you).
I don't want to know that you've slept with 20 guys and 3 girls. I know that you've had partners, I hope that they've all treated you well - if that have NOT I need to know only so I can be careful to avoid triggering any old memories, or be aware of situations that might.
I want to know that before me you enjoyed a health sex life and that you're clean. When you have amazing sexual skills I will quietly thank those (unknown number) who came before me and contributed to you skill set.
That all...
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 "They think they do. But they can't handle the truth."
lol, love it
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female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch +, writes (5 January 2011):
 always give the thats the past answer because guys are jealous exspecially if they love you and will most of the time use it against you in anger just think of it this way when you fall in love its hard on both sides to think the one you love has made love to another the way they do you so give the thats my past your my future response
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male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (4 January 2011):
I think you should be honest, and you know if you're right for each other when you are both OK about each others past.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 January 2011):
 If I ask, I want the truth, but I don't want the details. I want your honest number, and I want you to be honest if you have any STD's or have not been checked recently. I don't want to know how good they were, if their cock was bigger or smaller than mine, if they treated you well... None of that. I know that you'd be with them if you wanted to be. I tend not to be the jealous type though, so people with retroactive jealousy issues just baffle me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I disagree with the posters here. I think if the guy asks, you should tell him. But then initiate a discussion later as to its significance. If the number is too high, then yes it bears explanation I think. It is reflective of one's character and approach to sex and relationships.
I have read many posts here that talk about how these things were found out later in a relationship sue to ex-boyfriends surfacing and it was very hurtful.
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A
male
reader, Itsjustflirting +, writes (4 January 2011):
 You need to be honest. Completely honest, UNLESS...you really never see having a future with this person and you never plan on telling them in the future.
If he can't handle the truth, then find someone who can because he will NEVER be able to handle it. It will just haunt him and cause future problems.
But DO avoid details like "OMG he was so good, no other man will ever compare". While I myself see that as a challenge worth taking, most men would not and it would just make them feel like they will never compare.
You can be truthful, yet still hide some of the details.
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male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (4 January 2011):
Depends on the guy really but I think Odds below hit it perfectly. Beyond that, if he wants numbers fine but best to leave out the details.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 January 2011):
 hi
it really depends on the man doesn't it? if he's slept with a lot or few, and maybe how confident he is about his own sexual ability. personally whenever a boyfriend asks me i just say "7". its not a lie, I HAVE slept with 7 (and some extra ones!) i am definitely not proud of my past and that's why i lie about this number. unfortunately most guys have double standards about this and them knowing a higher number than they think is the right one will serve no useful purpose what so ever. the only time this would cause a problem (ie you would get caught lying) is if you live in a small town and u can't walk round a corner without bumping into someone you've sh***ed in the past
xx
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male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Odds, just wanted to say I think that's a great concise response. I think you nailed it right on the head about not lying either. If the truth comes out much later that one was lying then the relationship will be in a world of hurt. A person who would lie undercuts the fundamental integrity of the relationship and that person will likely never be 100% comfortable in that relationship. My other advice is to ask these questions before the relationship progresses and before marriage or kids. Get it out as soon as possible if one feels the need to know. Personally, I think these are very valid concerns. While a person's past may not necessarily predict the future, it would be wise to know a partner's sexual past both for STD concerns/reasons and values reasons. How do they operate and see relationships working? Is sex simply a casual endeavor for them or something reserved for more special relationships? Do you they quickly jump into a sexual relationship or wait until they are confident in who they are dealing with? How young were they when they were sexually active? I have a lot of opinions on the answers to such questions but I'll spare this response...lol.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I would ask him what he wants to know. And tell him what you are comfortable with. Personally, I don't want to know the details. They aren't going to help me in anyway. Same as I do not accept being compared to an ex, I just flatly refuse to listen to that crap lol, I'm me,, not her.
A lot of people tend to over-share IMHO.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): They think they do. But they can't handle the truth.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (4 January 2011):
 If a guy doesn't want to know, he doesn't ask. If he asks, it's because he's trying to gauge your long-term worth. If the number is too high, or includes too much meaningless sex, or includes the sort of people he doesn't approve of, he'll decide you're not worth the effort and leave. If you appear reluctant to answer, he'll assume your past is too lascivious for him and he'll leave.
Basically, give him precisely what he asks for - no more or less. I'd avoid lying, especially because it means you're sticking with a guy who only likes the lie, not you. But do not volunteer anything he doesn't ask for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): For myself, due to a rather I will say a very aggressive response in the past when one disclosed, will state that this thing should NEVER be talked about once feelings are established in the relationship because it risks high emotions and entanglement. Any sexual past should be discussed prior to infatuation to avoid possible issues.
Regards
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Don't ever give numbers. Answer it the way petina said and that should be good.
Here's the thing - if the number is too high in the guy's mind, he'll think that you're easy and somehow less of a conquest. If the numbers are too low in his mind, then he may have concerns about you getting too hung up on him. It's a no win situation to give a number.
As far as details - if he or you are into certain things, then that could be something that you talk about after you're in a sexual relationship - whether it be a fantasy or something that you know that you like from prior experience - just name no names and don't discuss how many or how many times.
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male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (4 January 2011):
No details... whatsoever. If they can't handle hearing the honest number of sexual partners, well that's probably a good sign that they weren't going to be "a keeper" anyways.
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female
reader, petina1 +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I would suggest you keep the details of your ex partners well and truly in the past. Men like to compete with other men and it wouldnt do your current relationship much good. If they insist on numbers, then just let them know that. After all,ones private life is private.
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