A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago I got married for the second time. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and all the time we have been married and for all the time the child has been born the mother and the child have lived in the US. The child who is six came over twice a year and I would see him for a day or so and that was that. 6 months ago the mother decided she wanted to return to the UK and they now live about an hours drive from us. I am extremely career orientated and have worked very hard all my life and am very tired when I get home. My children are all at university or grown up with good careers of their own. My days of dealing with young children are over and if I had had an inkling of the mother and child coming back to this country I would not have got married again. Now the child stays with us evry weekend while the mother is out with her friends etc. The romantic dinners, weekends away with my husband have stopped. The problem is this is not what I want at all. I am very unhappy and have told my husband but he is just delighted to see his child. I cannot leave as I own the house. I am getting older and just want peace and quiet not this. What can I do.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 February 2011):
 If you state EXACTLY what you want BEFORE you get married, I view it much like a prenup contract. Perhaps you should have had it it writing; but you DID tell him in advance.
"My days of dealing with young children are over and if I had had an inkling of the mother and child coming back to this country I would not have got married again."
I'm sure he knew you well enough to have know this and he actually is the person who has changed the contract here, so cut her some slack. Hindsight is 20/20 for everybody!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I do understand where you are coming from. The problem i have is that you saw it as a good idea to marry this guy, which implies true love and a lifelong committment through all things. Please do not marry again as I do not see you as wife matterial, no offense, stick to dating so you can cut and run when the going gets tough.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 February 2011):
As much as I am looking forward to grandchildren, I don't think that at 55 I could ever raise a child again and I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband always said that getting our out of the house before he turned 50 was his greatest accomplishment - lol!
It's very sad that the things you were expecting did not happen in your marriage with regards to your husband and his son; but only YOU know what you wish to do with your life. Knowing yourself and what you want is important, many women put themselves last on the list when it comes to taking care of their own personal happiness. You stipulated exactly what you wanted out of the marriage and as you HAD made that firm declaration this won't come as a total shock to him. I don't think anyone has the right to put you in the pillories because you don't want to be a "mother" again at 40+ to a six year old.
If you are certain in your heart, I would move on your decision as quickly as possible, for the child's sake; and let them get on with their lives as well. Good Luck and I wish you well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very grateful for all your responses. I am interested in the fact that the overall response is that I am selfish. The fact of the matter is that I am not the maternal type and I am career orientated. My own family are grown up and and I do not want a new one. I did explain to my then fiance that I would not marry him if there was the slightest chance that his child would be living with us as this is not something that I could or would want to cope with. I was perfectly clear that I wanted to enjoy just our time together and he did assure me that this would never happen as his ex partner was now happily married in the US. Yes I know things do change and my husband now spends a lot of time with his child which makes him happy but it is never going to make me happy so I have to do what is best for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Just read posters reply to responses..So you want to divorce your husband because of a six year old??? You are indeed selfish..Sorry but the truth has to be said..I had previously posted some advice before reading through...Guess your kids should not expect any help from you raising the grandkids neither....Geezz woman .One advice even if you married a THIRD TIME...there is no guarantee for your peace and quiet not to be disrupted.....That is life....Circumstances change and we adjust...My gosh , he is only 6 years old and they are so lovable at that age..What is wrong with you????????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Be considerate..He is your husband and you knew about the child..What if Heaven forbid something happened to the mother and the child had to be with you permanently? What then? Ask your husband to give him up for adoption so you can have some peace and quiet?...I bet if the child was yours, you would feel differently...Imagine if the situation was reversed and you had a child in custody of an ex and all of a sudden circumstances changed? How would you want your husband to handle it...Would you not yearn for some understanding and compromise?...I sense an inkling of selfishness in your thread..However I do understand that suddenly been thrown into this situation, your life has been disrupted...Maybe you should make some time for family days out so you can get to know your step-child...It is what it is..this child is innocent..So for your peace and quiet the child should grow up and not see his father now that they live a lot closer because of your peace and quiet? What kind of father would that make your husband? How do you think the child will feel growing up not being able to see his dad often enough despite living closer to him? The poor thing would feel rejected...Coming to think of it in plain words..YOU ARE ASKING YOUR HUSBAND TO NEGLECT HIS CHILD FOR YOUR PEACE AND QUIET...Doesnt sound good, does it? like everything in life , it doesnt turn out the way we plan...You can modify the arrangement so you get some weekends to be with your husband but dont ask that he diminish his responsibility as a parent
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A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 I think it's pretty sad that you are putting your marriage through such an ultimatum. However, if you must, can you now suggest to your husband that you have the child every 2nd weekend and see your step-son through the weekdays on the other week? I think it would be extremely smallminded of you not to compromise somewhat?
You yourself have children, so you are aware of the duties (and hopefully LOVE) involved in being a parent. Do you not have a strong bond with your own children? Does your husband ban you from seeing them? Somehow I think not...
It is not the situation you wanted, however, you were aware from the start that your husband had a child and unless you were faking your love for him, you must be rather unintelligent not to have expected some long term visits from your step-son at some point?
Factor this into your lifestyle - and just juggle the time that you have more effectively. I do agree that it is unfair that you have every weekend filled up - so make it every 2nd weekend instead.
I hate to think that you are a female who is so jealous and possesive as to be unable to share the love of your husband with his own child!
If you are, then:
a) Get a quick divorce. I am thinking of your husbands feelings on this one and hope that HE FINDS SOMEONE who is more worthy of his love.
b) Cross your fingers that karma doesn't swing your way resulting in the loss of your HIGH PRIORITY job and lifestyle.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Please do the guy a favor and split. Noone deserves to be with a woman like you. Life is never predictable and you do what you have to for the ones you love. Love IS sacrifice. I am astonished at how cold you are and the support you have gotten from others. Most decent parents want to see their children every day and dads that are only around on weekends get bashed, but here we have a dad getting bashed for wanting to see his 6yo on WEEKENDS. WTH is WRONG with you people? have you lost your friggen minds!What would you say if it was your child and your partner asked you to choose between them and your child? I especially want to ask the moms that question. Is every weekend with your child too much?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Your husband needs to make time to spend with you too. the fact is, he is also a husband, not just a father.Let's say this was a child you two had together. And your husband wanted to spend all the free time on the kids and none on you. Everyone on this site would be saying he needs to show you some attention too because you're still married.Well that still holds true even if you aren't the biological mother of this child.If he wanted to be a single dad he could be just that - a SINGLE dad who has no other adult relationship in his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): wow no wonder you have been married twice good luck finding a man to accept your controlling behavior. I feel sorry for your next husband and the one after that because believe me with your attitude your gonna have a long list of them
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): CaringGuy I think she should tell him the truth. That his child is the reason she's leaving. If he is a good dad it won't effect him but make him look for a woman that does not mind he has a child. Some women do not like it, some do.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (5 February 2011):
 you poor woman I understand exactly how you feel. unfortunately circumstances change in relationships and you have to do what's best for you. don't spend the next 10 years sacrificing your weekends which are very important to those of us that work. freedom and love are 2 very important things that shouldn't be mutually exclusive.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 February 2011):
That's probably for the best. But when you do end it, please don't say it's because of the child. That will make him feel bad, and he may treat her differently because of it. Just say that you want to be alone or something like that. Don't blame the child.
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A
female
reader, MuffinGirl  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 If you want to divorce just because you can't stand his child (did you try to spend some time with child without rejecting him - maybe it would be fun), then you don't love your husband at all. This is not true love. So i think leaving him is not such a bad idea.
Good luck and i hope you'll find your true love someday. It would be faster if you try to be less selfish i think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your very varied replies. Selfish or not it is not a situation I wish to be in so it looks like I will have to find them somewhere else to live while I go down the divorce route
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I understand how hard it may be BUT you married him knowing he had a child, you can say "but I didn't know they were going to move back to the UK" the fact is he had a young child and there was always the chance the child would be back in the country one day. At your age I say it wouldn't be too hard to find a man with older children. But it is your choice, this is your life and if you don't want put up with sharing your life with his child then go for it but if not then split. No other way, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): It is a shame that you thought you were getting one thing then got another. Still, you are where you are. Your only option is to embrace step-motherhood, or leave your husband. He cannot walk away from a six year old - that option is closed to a decent person. If you love him enough you will accept the change in your life. Otherwise, jump ship.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Your husband is happy to see his child. And no doubt the child is very pleased to have a father present more often than once every six months.
I applaud the father of a six year old for being willing to take a bigger role in the life of his child. So many fathers are uncaring dead-beat 'fathers' who have no involvement in the lives of their offspring.
You own the home and you have a strongly developed career. Within the next ten years your own children may start presenting you with grand children. But I suppose they will be kept at arm's length too.
I cannot see that a father of a six year old would preference you over his child.
Maybe you could try, and see how your husband reacts. And the child has possibly picked up the vibes that their presence is not welcomed by you.
At 41-50 I would be surprised if you were really too exhausted to play hostess to a six year old. Unless you are grossly unfit. If the latter then maybe introduce some work life balance by instigating an hour at the gym or pool every morning. After all, a fitter executive is a better executive.
And if you are without ideas on how to entertain a six year old, then think of it as an executive project, testing your creative skills. It will also demonstrate your executive ability to cope with stress/change/innovative solutions/creativity/patience when dealing with difficult clients/communication and negotiation slills/develop some empathy etc. Once again it will show more life-work balance.
And make you seem almost human. And could help suggest you had some empathy (who would have guessed that?).
Some activities you could do with the six year old include:
1. Find a local community garden with a vacancy and hire a small plot so the 6 yr old can grow things
2. Take child to pantomine around Christmas time - get tickets v early for it too
3. Teach the 6 year how to cook step by step with a non pompous cook like Jamie Oliver.
4.sit down and find out what the child loves/enjoys
5. Museums are yr friend - take plenty of time, and allow the child to discover m
6. Go to summer or spring fetes - there are lots of things for a child to do.
7. Set up a chores chart. Who will fill the
Jobs to take the heat off you. Such as filling the dishwasher.
But don't ask your husband to choose between you and the child.
The outcome may disappoint you
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A
female
reader, LostInMyself +, writes (5 February 2011):
 I understand your frustration, I experienced something similar. Sadly you have to either accept it or move on. when you married him you took him with his child. You dont have to take his ex or anything, but when you marry someone you marry their past as well, and you as a mother...put yourself in the position of your husband..would you stop having your 6 year old over to go on weekends?or romantic dinners? I dont think so, you kid is the 3 priority, wouldnt it be?
Your husband is delighted of course, maybe you can try to talk to him, about it...saying that his mother gets the weekend off and you would like to get some time off and spend time with him as well... Maybe you can reach an agreement where the kid does not come for 2 Saturdays of the month and instead comes on Sunday or something like that, that way the father will see his kid and have a day with you, that way you would have 2 days of intimacy. Also you can go out with the kid as well...maybe take him to the park all together, or a beach, or a walk, and you can all have ice cream and this can bring you closer to your guy.
Keep in mind you have to be sensitive about this as this is his child, so he will obviously be upset at any bad comments, put urself on his shoes...what if it was you with the 6 year old?
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (5 February 2011):
CaringGuy nailed it. Ann Landers used to ask the question - "Would I be better off with or without him?". It's what you need to ask yourself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 February 2011):
You can either accept his child is there. Or you'll have to walk. There are no other options. Although you have my sympathy to an extent, you should have been aware that this was going to happen one day. You're going to place your husband in an impossible position, so you've got to sit down and work out what you want. Do you want him, in which case you have to accept eh child. Or do you want your peace and quiet, in which case it's on to divorce. The child is on his life to stay, basically, and he is right to ensure she has his support and attention.
Do you love your husband enough to accept that child will be there? Or is the call of the quiet life stronger?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): kick your husband out. It's your house, and he is the one who has changed the relationship without consulting you.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Tell him you are not fine with him having his child in 'your' house.every weekend...gee, its like a nightmare.especialy when there ar no other litle kids.may be he needs to go to 'his mom's when the child is around.tel him you need his atention too.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Perhaps you need to use stronger language when talking to your husband about this. Every weekend is too much. His ex-wife has been freed up socially, while you have been bogged down. This does not seem like an equitable arrangement. You are in a difficult position because giving your husband an ultimatum will seem like you are trying to separate him from his son. What he doesn't understand is that his actions are separating you from each other. You must try harder to get through to him. Tell him it is not that you want to deny him time with his son, but that you want more time with him. As you work a good deal, the weekend are all you have.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): ***My days of dealing with young children are over.***
Guess again. Kids are a hassle but have you even tried to open your heart to this person.
This wasn't a secret. Did you expect your husband to never step up to the plate. I mean like never.
Even when the child is an adult was he supposed to just tag and run in his relationship with his child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): You are possibly one of the most selfish people I've ever encountered on this site. Your husband has a responsibility and is apparently more than willing to care for his younger child. And although the mother should calm down her own days away, you husband still has that responsibility. If you got married two years ago and your husband's ex and their child have come back recently, how would you have known of that decision beforehand?
If you're going to be controlling, demanding, or otherwise selfish and think YOUR life is ruined because a child of your husband's is visiting and your husband is being a GOOD FATHER, then I don't know what to say about your despicable behavior. Get over yourself. At least you found a good man. Not that you deserve him.
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A
female
reader, Outspoken1016 +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Wow it's all about you I see. I understand your set in your ways and a child is not what you want at this time in your life. However did you ever stop and think that maybe your husband the man your to love missed his child and now to have him so close that it brings him joy. There are things you can do to compromise but it does not seem like you want that at all. You want things your way and thats it. That is not marriage or love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Oh well there is no way out of this unless you split from your husband. This boy is only 6 so he will be in your life for a very long time. It properly is best if you two split. It is not fair on either of you two
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