A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm kinda at the end of my tether with something... how can I tell someone I love him, when he's getting married in two months? Or should I? But what can I do?Nothing has happened between us. I'm trying so hard to keep things platonic. I really want him in my life, if only as a friend. And I would feel awful for his fiancée, if anything did happen, so it can't happen. But I feel like I'm going slowly out of my mind. I feel like I'm such a horrible person, but I'm at the point now where I can't eat and I can barely sleep.I also feel like it's the worst kept secret in the world. People have asked me if I like him and I deny it so hard. And vice versa, people have told me they think he likes me, but I never believe them and it just feels like I'm at a stalemate.I've tried being in a relationship with another guy, which ended when he cheated on me. This lasted for about six months. When 'he' found out, he got so angry for me. When my car got damaged, he phoned his mechanic for me. I got hounded with anonymous phonecalls, so kept asking me for my phone so he could talk to whoever it was. But at the same time, all he talks to me about is his wedding plans.I'm so confused, I feel stupid for letting the whole thing get to me. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to be selfish and tell him but a larger part keeps telling me I have no right to put that pressure on him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Hello there,I just wanted to see how things turned out for you?I'm in a similar situation...he's getting married this month but the difference is that I'm married too (a newlywed). We have never spoken about our feelings but I think there is a mutual attraction. Certainly, on my part, there was a thunderbolt when we first met (a month after my wedding!!). Please don't be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are borne out of love, an innocent emotion, and your pain will heal over time. I should take my own advice! :0)Do let me know what happened. xxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): I have been in a similar situation. I can tell you now, with hindsight, that you should not keep your love a secret. It doesn't have to be like Moses handing down the Ten Commandments (dramatic), but tell him how you feel. When you do, whatever the outcome, you'll go through life knowing that he understood your feelings, and without the "what if I told him" regrets. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): If he's giving you "signals" then I think it's appropriate to tell him how you feel. Don't just blurt it out, sorta fish around first to gauge if it's appropriate to say something.next time you see him, start a conversation about his wedding plans...get him talking about his wedding and his plans for his married life. Casually ask about his girlfriend...observe him when he's talking about his upcoming marriage and his soon to be wife. casually ask why is he getting married "now" as in, the timing of it. Observe his responses. Does he positively glow when talking about her? Does his eyes light up when he talks about her? can he not wait to marry her? If so, his heart is with her and that's your answer so you should not share your feelings with him.But if instead his responses about his upcoming marriage seem lukewarm or reluctant, if his body language indicates an attraction toward you, it's appropriate to admit your feelings for him because it's more likely that he shares some feelings for you and if that were the case, you are doing the right thing of stopping his marriage because it's WRONG for him to marry his girlfriend if his heart is not 100% with her!So just start a casual conversation with him about his wedding and play it by ear from there.
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male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (6 February 2011):
The only method I'm aware of to "disenchant" oneself of another is through a strict regimen of no contact. No calls, no emails, no txts, no anything. I'm sure you can arrange it with your friends to avoid being around when your married friend is present. Chances are that his circle of friends may change now that he's getting married. That is not unusual. In addition, you can develop new friends and new interests. The trick is to keep moving. Don't stay at home ruminating about this. It's not easy, it takes determination and discipline. But, if you want to escape from that heavy heart feeling, these are the things you need to do. It's a matter of you living your life and redirecting your thoughts to doing that in earnest. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Hi, thanks all for your feedback. I know I come off sounding like the bad guy, and that's why I hate myself. I do want him to be happy, I just hoped it would've included me. Guess not.
I KNOW the most sensible thing to do is just to move on, but does anyone have any advice for that? What can I do? I've tried to leave it, do nothing and go out with friends. I've tried a relationship with someone else, but it failed and my 'protector' stepped in, which made my whole situation worse. For me, anyway.
I've decided, I don't want to tell him. Like you all say, no one can come out of it unhurt. If she's upset, he'll be upset and then I'll be upset. Bad times.
I need to leave it. Move on. But the hurt is maddening. The unfortunate truth is I can't not see him, as we have the same friends. Literally, the question I need answered is, how do you disenchant yourself from someone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): You're not a horrible person and you can't help how you feel but you need to be realistic. From what you have written i don't get the impression that he feels the same and you telling him won't lead to anything good.
I can imagine how hard it must be to love somebody who is already taken but you're going to have to keep this to yourself because he doesn't want you he wants her.
If you told him and by some miracle he dropped her, how do you think she would feel? The most likely situation would be you would lose him as a friend or at least things would always be awkward between you two.
What about if he turned you down but his fiancée found out? Do you think she would be ok with him hanging out with you? I think not. He would have to stop seeing you altogether or risk his marriage.
I'm afraid you're going to have to accept that sometimes we don't always get what we want and that it just wasn't meant to be. One day you'll find somebody who you'll feel like this about again but this guy is off limits.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Don't you think if he thought you were worth stopping a wedding over he would have at some point in all the time he'd known you asked you on one date? It's time to be pragmatic and honest with yourself and not do something that will make you look foolish.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I think you should tell him how you feel.You shouldnt hide it because then youu might not know how he realli feels about you. And if he only wants to be friend then dont try and mess his wedding up. Just gon on with your life
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): Just tell him.
If he doesn't return your feelings, nothing will come of it, no harm done.
If he does share your feelings, then he has no business getting married and better to uncover this now and put those wedding plans aside and sort his feelings out.
My best friend got married while he was seeing me. We were FWB for years, early on admitted feelings but brushed them off cos we were both in relationships, then agreed to be FWB but from then on I never told him I still loved him. He got married and when he told me he was getting married he gave me this "look"...a few months after he got married, he fell in love with all over again and we admitted we had felt that way about each other for years. He only married her cos he thought I didn't feel that way about him. I told him even if that was true, it's still a crappy reason to marry someone, as a consolation prize. But by now his wife was pregnant. That was a year ago. His baby is now born and he's still in love with me and I'm trying to end my feelings for him that I've been having for five years.
If I had only said something before he got married, things could have been very different. He admitted he wouldn't have married her if he knew I shared his feelings. Therefore given this truth, what kind of a marriage does he have now? Was it a marriage that was meant to be, or which should never have happened? everything else was a mistake - his marriage was a mistake, his present life with her is a mistake, his kid was a mistake?
I'm now walking away from him and we are both emotional wrecks.
You may think that by telling him you're changing the course of history. If his relationship is fine, then nothing will happen and history will proceed as it should.
But if something really is there that should be uncovered, it's better this happen now than after he's married!
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male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (5 February 2011):
The 'ol "do unto others...." applies here (as it does almost everywhere). Don't mess up your friend's love affair with his fiance. That would be the height of selfishness. And, you will come off looking like a real drag and will definitely kill any friendship that exists between you and your friend. Let it go. There are a ton of other available and worthy men to choose from. I concur with all of the Aunties and Uncles who have chimed in so far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): OMG its like a film lol sorry its not laughing situation . hes getting married which means he loves the person hes getting married too and wants to be with her, if he wanted to be wiv you then he would try hes hardest to be with you. im sure its gunna hurt but at the end of the day you say sumthin and stop the wedding also think about the women hes marrying and how hurt she would be.RED LIPZ XX
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male
reader, Older Women dating Younger Men +, writes (5 February 2011):
Oh dear, you really need some good luck honey in your life. The trouble is do you want to wreck someones else's life and marry or it may be the total opposite that this relationship may flourish and you will both be happy together.
Do you know how he feels in his relatioship really. He is getting married and from a personal point of view I would not enter this realm.
I have been in a few relationships and having to leave behind a person who you love is hard and is very upsetting but sometimes it needs to be done to move on in life. Its all about the right choice and I always ask myself would I do it myself having learned from mistakes in the past.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 February 2011):
 The simple truth is, you can't.
The time for telling him has long passed. I know you're upset and hurting, but you just have to be firm and resolve to put him out of your mind once and for all. Everyone else is right: he loves his fiancee and his focus is on her and their upcoming marriage. Otherwise, he would not be with her.
I'm sorry, but please, turn your attention elsewhere! If you make up your mind to it, you can and eventually you'll hurt less and be glad you did the right thing.
Not to mention you'll be making yourself avaible to meet a man who will love you for yourself and be fully committed to you.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): this reminds me of the film " my best friend's wedding ". in the film, the guy chose his fiance in the end, instead of his friend who was in love with him, and i'm sorry to say it, but i think this is how your situation will turn out too. this guy you like loves his fiance enough to want to marry her, and you can't change someone's mind so easily when they love someone else, unfortunately. like auntyem said, it would unleash hell. in the film, this woman also told the guy that she loved him and kissed him, and the fiance saw and there was trouble.i'm just using that as an example. i guess you could stay friends with the guy that you love , but i think its really hard to stay friends with someone that you love.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 February 2011):
Sorry, but all the others are right. If you were the guy for him, he wouldn't be planning this wedding with another woman. Listen to the other posts and pull away from this guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): The truth is he wouldn't be getting married if he didn't love his girlfriend. You just risk rejection on a big scale. I think you would know if he had feelings for you beyond friendship. So I think you really need to do all you can to put this out of your head. Better to walk away than have your dignity torn to shreds.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): He obviously appreciates you as a friend and cares for you. Otherwise he wouldn't do all the things he does or confide in you about his wedding.
I doubt it's conscious on his part, but he may pull closer to you because it's his last chance to be a bachelor. It's not that he's hoping for drama, he just wants to make sure he can spend time with other women before he signs up for the life contract.
He's probably feels safe doing it since all he talks about is his upcoming wedding. (I a platonic male friend that became increasingly needy just before an impending wedding...it was the first time I had every seen him scared.)
Or he could just be a really decent guy looking out for you who happens to appreciate your listening skills since it's not the sort of things guys regularly talk about amongst themselves.
But, I would NOT tell him about your feelings.
Say your suspicions are correct and he wants to be with you intimately. Then you get yourself in some serious drama.... not to mention perpetural resentment since you would be his side woman and not his chosen wife.
If you are not correct and he has no interest you, you will likely damage whatever relationship you could have.
How to cope with it now?
Make yourself unavailable more often.
He's getting married. He's probably scared sh*tless. But you don't need to be his crutch.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): There are three very important things you must do.1) Let it go!2) Let it go!And three is;Let it go.
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female
reader, Outspoken1016 +, writes (5 February 2011):
 I agree with her. Dear Im sorry but it is very simple if he loved you it would be you planning the wedding. Let yoru crush go because it's not love only desire!
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 February 2011):
 No good can possibly come from telling this man now that you love him.
If a guy wants to be with you,he WILL. The fact that this man hasn't worked on whatever could have been, clearly means that he didn't want it. I know this is not what you want to hear, but its the truth.
Just get out of the whole scenario. For starters, its not fair to his fiancée...how would you like it if this happened to you? Just let him get on with his life. No point hoping for a platonic relationship...thats out of the window. How can you even think thats possible when you're in love with this guy?And if worst case scenario, you do tell him and he rejects you...then what??? Its only going to be much, MUCH worse and terribly uncomfortable for you.
Distance yourself from him, be strong, move on with your life, and you will definitely find the right man down the line...someone who's just for you and with whom it wont ever be this difficult. Trust me.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 February 2011):
 he is being thoughtful and considerate to you. That's what friends are for. And is exactly why his fiance loves him, and
he is in love with his fiance. And to make sure everyone knows how much he loves his fiance he has proposed to her. And now he is all excited about his plans to marry the woman he loves.
And he trusts that you are his friend, so he's happy to share his happiness with you.
So why would you want to jeopardise your friendship with this man?
Were you hoping he might call off his marriage and consider you instead?
And have you thought out the consequences if you do attempt to tell him? First it would kill off the friendship.
And he would tell his fiance. Then she and her family would at least be very disappointed by any action that hurt thhe happy couple.
Show some dignity and self control. If inane people make remarks to stir up mischief, then let them know that you are only friends. Say it with strong conviction.
His poor fiance does not need the two months to leading to to her wedding ,being ruined by another woman professing her love for a 'taken' man..
Yes, it is selfish, indulgent and unkind to be contemplating an attempt with an action designed to destabilise a happy couple, looking forward to their special day .
If you are invited to the wedding then please don't try to mention your feelings at the wedding.
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female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (5 February 2011):
 I don't feel the need to add anything to this thread.... AuntyEm is spot on, excellent advice!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 February 2011):
 Let me give you one bit of advice to start, which I hope you will take...RUN!!! Run away from this guy as fast as you can!! No good can come of it!
The guy is getting married, he isn't romantically interested in you, he's romantically interested in his fiance (or they wouldn't be getting married). You absolutely cannot tell him you love him, unless you want to unleash hell!! You could end up wrecking their marriage and let me tell you, as a woman, everyone will blame you!!
You think you feel bad now, you will feel 100 times worse if you confess love for him and he rejects you.
The platonic thing is also a bad idea. You have feelings tha are unrequieted and they should remain so because he is in a loving relationship with someone else. You will never get over those feelings until you cut all contact.
I know it seems harsh and you are probably cursing my words, but I am telling you, if you break up his wedding or even attempt to keep some part of him in your life by admitting love...life will get a whole lot worse.
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