A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few days ago, I slept with a male friend while my husband was out of town visiting relatives. It only happened, once, i swear, and I did not intend for it to happen. I didn't set out looking to cheat, it's something that just happened. We'd had a little to drink. That doesn't excuse it though. Now, I feel incredibly guilty. I can't even look at mine and my husband's bed without getting sick. I love my husband and never planned to betray him. Now, I'm wondering if I should tell. If I do, he may leave me. I wouldn't blame him if he did.I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about what I did.
View related questions:
cheated on my husband Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): yes you cheated but first you need to ask yourself why you did what you did. was it that your husband lacked in some areas or was it simple time for a new driver. i know for a fact that people only truly cheat when they are unhappy so u need to figure or why and if you really love your husband in the first place.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): The person who posted below me is so right....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): wait a minute. YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR LOVER ON YOUR OWN MARITAL BED, the bed you and your hb sleep on??HOW did this just happen. in your home. and in your husbands bed?
first point to consider when YOU CLAIM TO FEEL SOOOOOOOOOOO GUILTY-:
were you forced?
STARS20 says it so well " Go back and think about the moment you was undressing, kissing, and eventually "in the act" with that man, I am sure doubt passed by your mind but you continued."
where was this apparent gulit when you were having full blown sex, defiling your home. you allowed a perpertrator in your home, in your marital bed. You were not forced. you knowingly indulged. you knowingly and purposefully betrayed your marriage and your husband. where does this guilt now apparently stem from??
you knew your hb was out of town and you PLANNED the whole infidelity. you knowingly and purposefully (deliberately) betrayed your husband. someone else on this site always say:
you do not trip and fall on a penis, when you stray.
LEARN TO BE HONEST. you deliberately had sex with another man, you had no thoughts of your faithful hb away on business. you were not forced to have sex with your lover. you engaged freely. so where is the guilt??
please learn to make the distinction bet HONESTY AND DELIBERATE LIES. you planned the sex session and well, the rest is history.........
regarding telling your hb. you have come to a VERY liberal site where infidelity is mostly condoned. this gives you a false sense of security and a false concept f right from wrong.
although you now claim to be sick at the mere though of another man engaging in sexual acts with you, you willingly part took in the activity. you wanted it from another man and so you should accept the consequences. you know that since you have gotten away with it once you will just continue with your betrayal. you see, you have it now imprinted in your mind, that is is ok to stray.
as for the bed- the bed only symbolises the place the indescretion took place. it is your own morals that have to be questioned. nothing just happenes. it happens because we want it to.
as for your lover- you do know that men talk about their conquests don't you? no matter how much they say that mums the word, most men just cannot keep their big mouths shut. your hb will not leave you, because a dutiful wife will never spill the beans about her shenanigans.
secrets ALWAYS come out. the question is WHEN and WHO will reveal them.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 Don't under any account tell him. It's not what you did that causes him pain but him finding out about it. If by any chance he finds out through any other channel then deny it with vigour - if you love him then put your whole heart and soul into that denial.
If you find yourself feeling bad about it then obviously don't do it again. Probably half a dozen blowjobs and breakfast in bed a few times should reset the balance.
...............................
A
female
reader, superbunny  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 A point I would like to raise, is if your husband did forgive you - you'd be more likely to do it again because you would not have received the necessary punishment for betraying the trust in your marriage.
I think I'd tell him and take the consequences because, if you properly love him, the guilt is going to eat you from the inside out because things you feel guilty about do not go away. It will hurt him; but if he does find out from a third party can you imagine how humiliated he is going to be? He will feel humiliated, embarassed, broken hearted, angry, upset... Which is much worse than you just running straight to him with the truth. You cannot stay with him just to save yourselves from a divorce, you have jeopradised your marriage; not him.
We are not ostriches - we cannot bury our heads in the sand!
Sorry if any of this comes across angrily it's just I (I know it's not the same as your situation, but..) kissed another lad when I was in a relationship and I was so guilty and I told my boyfriend about it, who actually said we should continue to try to make it work but I couldn't do that to him. He was lovely, loyal and I'd broken the trust between us and I honestly thought I didn't deserve to be with him so then he got nasty with me but this is what I deserved and now he is in a lovely relationship wit someone who deserves him and I feel happy that he is not living a lie - and I can imagine this would be about 1000000x stronger in a marriage.
I hope this helps
x x x x
x x x x
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (8 September 2009):
 THeres a song about this its by p diddy and mario winans its entitled I DONT WANT TO KNO.
I dont want to kno if your playing me keep it on the lo. first verse.
dont tell him why shatter his fantasy life over one screw up. If my girl told me that she was sleeping around when im out of town it would be a rap,
get your self checked for stds and dont make this a habbit but in my opinion if you cheat once you cheat twice.
you only want to tell your husband to quench your guilt it wont do him any good at all to know this
...............................
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 You don't need to say anything. You know you made a mistake and its over and you have learned from it, in fact it may help you to love your husband even more. Unexpected life experiences can do that sometimes. Leave it as it is and move on to an even more wonderful life with your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 This is a terrible dilemna to be in... I read all the other posts and they all have great points, both for and against telling.As a devastated spouse, who knows first hand the incredible pain, confusion and temporary "insanity" that this knowledge brings, I would love not to know. The guilt is rightfully your burden, you should never share it just to get rid of the guilt... if you tell it should be for the other reasons mentioned in the other posts, but NOT because you feel guilty nor should it be to prevent him from divorcing you. If you KNOW for sure he would divorce, then take your punishment and tell.My suggestion however is if you have a reasonable belief that your affair partner will never tell, and you are sure you are neither pregnant nor have an std that you hold off telling. Then use the rest of your marriage to be the best wife ever, be open and honest about EVERYTHING else, no secretive guilty behavior, no passwords, no private phone calls, TOTALLY transparent. NO discussing this with girlfriends, only a counsellor, but no one else.You also need to put in place safeguards to prevent this from EVER happening again. You cannot rely on your guilt to protect your husband. Fatherly Advice is right... no alone time with males (especially male friends), limit time away from husband, and no more alcohol. Then if down the road it becomes necessary to tell or he finds out, you have already made the changes necessary to protect your husband from further harm, and he will be able to see the proof of your remorse. These would be necessary changes even if you told and your husband decided to stay, so you are making the changes but saving your husband the pain, if possible.I would rarely ever advocate not being honest, but unless you have been devastated there is nothing in the world that compares to that pain. Your husband has a RIGHT to know, but its not knowledge you can ever take back if its too much for him to bear.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): You must tell him IMO because if he does find out anyother way it hurt him alot more then coming from you, maybe he will forgive you maybe he will not. Saying you were drunk will not work as an excuses no matter how drunk you were you still knew what was going on. I feel sorry for the fella, but if he truly loves you he would give you one more chance.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I am not a huge subscriber to marriage itself, as I have seen too many of my male friends' lives wrecked in messy divorces, but I firmly believe that if two people really love each other and do get married, cheating will never occur.Sex is a funny thing really. Lots of chemical releases and hormonal rushes. But it NEVER happens by accident, and can't 'just happen', even though you never intended it to. You seriously expect people to believe that you had sex, but didn't really want to?Please.Was there some miracle of physics, whereby your clothes and underwear 'just happened' to fall off your body, at the precise moment when your male friends clothes and underwear 'just happened' to fall off HIS body, when you both 'just happened' to be in your BEDROOM, were together on a day when your husband 'just happened' to be out of town?If your husband is really the man that you love, then you have to tell him, before someone else does. Believe me when I say that this male friend has already gloated about his conquest to other people. Who would you like your husband to hear it from? I used to be a professional sportsman, and we always spoke of things like a 'perfect record'. Start a season, be perfect. In marriage, get married, be perfect. Once you cheat, like losing, that 'perfection' is gone forever.I hope your husband forgives you. But was it all really worth risking a marriage for?
...............................
A
male
reader, JSBach +, writes (8 September 2009):
Don't tell him. I understand that you feel guilty and you have an urge to confess, but it will hurt him a lot, and he'll never feel the same about you.
I'm quite happy with my wife, but if she suddenly told me that she had cheated on me, I would be devastated. I would much rather not know.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): You want to still love yourself and you want your husband to still love you. Neither of these things can happen without him knowing.
If he doesn't know about this then he doesn't love you anymore. He only loves who you used to be.
And if you keep quiet then you can't love yourself either because you don't respect yourself enough to even admit who you are anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, masoxi  +, writes (8 September 2009):
you need to be honest whith your husband tell him what happened, tell him that was an accident and dont try to blame him tellng that shouldnt gone onthat trip
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): OK, you need to think this through. First, you're remorseful and HIGHLY UNLIKELY to do this again. I do NOT suggest rushing anything, especailly telling him. Many times people who are in this positon tell their spouse in an effort to ease thier own pain. This can be a disaster. If there's little to no change that he'll find out, then you may want to seek some counciling to deal with your feelings and redirect your relationship. Odds are reasonable that you could forgive yourself and recommit yourself to your relationship and to him, and don't take this mistake ever again.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): you made a mistake, and the guilt is already there so i dont think you should tell him. Even if he might forgive you, he will never look at you the same. Living with the guilt is the price you have to pay, dont let it ruin your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, kahlan +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I'd feel the same way.However i wouldn't tell him.Unless you are pretty sure someone will tell him first,in which case,it'd be better coming from you.You didn't make it sound that way though,so the only reason to tell him would be to ease your own concience,which would result in the end of your marraige,and it would break his heart.So if it was me i wouldn't tell him-especially since you have no intention of it happening again,and telling him wont turn the clock back.Was there some reason apart from the drink that you ended up sleeping with your friend?Is your marraige feeling a bit stale?If so,try and get some romance and try to spice up your sex life.I actually wrote in about a month ago as my partner and i's sex life had went downhill-in fact it had turned none-existant.I got some excellent advice,plus i found a website www.sheknows.com You just click on the bit about sex.I was really pleasantly suprised at what came up.You should give it a go.If you are satisfied in your relationship,hopefully you wont be tempted to stray again.Try and focus on the future instead,telling him would honestly make things worse.I usually believe in honesty in a relationship,but in this case,i truly believe you would make everything worse for everyone involved.If you really feel you need to unload,and get it off your chest,then write a letter to him confessing-then tear it up and burn the peices,or phone the samaritans or something.Good Luck, Love Kahlan.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stars20 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 you should have thought before doing what you did. I am no one to judge you but I don't take the remark: "I didn't set out looking to cheat, it's something that just happened" Nothing like deciding to sleep with another man "just happens" by the time your panties were off you should have known what you was getting into. I am a woman, if i were to cheat on a husband, I would be doing it knowing that infidelity is definitely going to happen. You need to realize what you did. Go back and think about the moment you was undressing, kissing, and eventually "in the act" with that man, I am sure doubt passed by your mind but you continued. You should deal with your mistake. I would feel bad for your husband, he is innocently sitting next to you unaware of what happened. Hopefully, you used protection. It would be completely unfair to him to contract a virus. Be mindful, think through your actions twice and if your husband is considerate, try to be the same for him. Take a while to think about your actions, and when you're ready, tell him. If not, you will live with the guilt for the rest of your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I don't want to rub salt into the wounds but your letter is such an opportunity to discuss these important things. First you are young and probably have not been married long. You have made some mistakes that others can learn from. Your husband went out of town without you. Young marriages can't take separate vacations, separate vacations are hard for mature marriages. If it was a family emergency that would be an exception. If it was just for convenience it should have been canceled or re scheduled. You say that you never planed for it to happen, that you would betray your husband. That is good. The problem is that you did not plan to resist the temptation. You didn't have a rule that you would never be alone with any man. It is very sad for you now that the deed is done. You feel terrible guilt. In order to continue your relationship with your husband you will have to get rid of that guilt. Many people believe that confessing and trying to repair the damage is the best way to remove that guilt. Many marriages survive infidelity, it is never easy for either partner. Only you can make that decision to start the healing process. I know it is very scary.
FA
...............................
A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (8 September 2009):
 I think your husband has a right to know the truth. It may hurt him, but in the end, finding out you lied to him will only hurt him more in the end. Tips on what to say, I really couldn't help you with I'm afraid, but I do think you should tell him, although I suspect excuses like "We were drunk" will not go down so well with him.Choose your words carefully, but in my humble opinion, he has to know. It's much better it comes from you now rather than later on in your marriage, and from you rather than someone else who might find out, don't you think?
...............................
|
