A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Need more advice after another question asked here... I'll sum that up. I had a one-night stand kind of thing with someone. It was an accident. I tried to stop things but he was pretty pushy and each times things progressed it kind of felt too good for me to really force to stop, though I did try a couple times to stop things. (Pushing him back to less intimate actions but he'd just kind of ignore me pushing him away and push past them again.) I really don't feel raped so I definitely wouldn't say that's what it was but... at the same time I feel like I didn't really have a choice, like he was using my "weakness" against me. Anyway, so he apparently says he really likes me and I told him I couldn't do it. Out goals are different and I feel "smarter" than him which kind of kills things too. I don't even think we really have the same beliefs but I don't know him well. Anyway, I'm having a really hard time.... the actually questions below.I probably can guess the answer but I need it anyway. I'm having a really difficult time because of how upset this other person is. He's not bugging me about it but... I'm upset too. I don't know this person too well and already feel like things can't work out with a real relationship. Like I said, we have different lives, goal-wise. Besides that, maybe beliefs in life wise. I don't know though. A part of me really feels like I have no choice but to just end things while another part of me kind of misses it and wonders if I'm just making assumptions/freaking out because this never happened to me. I feel like, logically, this is not what I want and, while there's parts of him I liked, the fact that I can't take a relationship with him seriously/the fact that I'd be somewhat embarrassed by a relationship with him pretty much tell me I should end this. But it's hard because I do kind of like him. At the same time though I feel like this is the best way to summarize how I feel about things: I feel like he's like a drug (in the not literal sense of the word), he made me feel good and I kind of miss it when the good feelings gone but... essentially it's not compatible with my life. But... at the same time I feel bad because I was willing to give it a try (since I don't know him and maybe I'm wrong) until I found out that he gets cold sores. Then I was pretty set on my decision. I don't get them, never have. I don't know for sure because I'm not a doctor but cold sores that are actually cold sores are herpes. I also know that they can spread to more places other than just your lips on your face. It's a little late on my part of knowing since he got it yesterday (they day after everything) and I still kissed him that day before fully deciding/waiting to get alone so I could tell him. But... I just feel horrible. I want to give him a chance because I do like most of what I know about him (excluding some people we were hanging out with - which is probably right of me to judge him off of, right??) but I really don't want herpes/don't want to take more chances if I don't already have it. (Don't worry - I know what to do now with that worry. Though that sure sucks too.) I know I pretty much have the answer but I really need push about this. I do like him somewhat but definitely not enough to ignore this but enough that I want to ignore it to feel better about what I did (because now I'm labeled the "player" even though he really pushed things hard), to feel better in the sense of not hurting someone else, to feel better in the sense that I did like him though I just don't think we are compatible, and to feel better in the sense that... well part of me probably wants to not feel bad for having slept with someone I didn't love (or think I loved.) I really wish I had a girl friend to talk to this about but... I don't have anyone that I feel comfortable talking about this to. I feel horrible though for so many reasons. All I want to do is sleep just because I don't want to deal with it all. But I guess that's what you get and I guess I should have been more forceful than I was. =( Anyway...Just set me straight and tell me whether I really made the right decision for me or whether I'm just freaking out/being cocky/whether I just don't know enough to really decide. Because I really doubt myself sometimes and, like I said, I have no one to talk about this with..
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I get cold sores. I have never had any herpes in my vaginal area as a consequence.
The best time to stop a relationship where you see different goals and the likes is BEFORE it gets started. You have the control to do just that but may not have it later. Be gone with him!
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (8 September 2009):
 Absolutely, you made the right decision. You are way too confused to pursue ANYTHING. It's also risky to continue with him... cold sores ARE herpes... his pushiness is a big red flag... and your lack of assertiveness is bad news.You need to be focusing on you, right now, NOT him. Read your posts again...pretend like you're reading about a friend. Do you see how scattered the thinking is? What would you tell a friend to do... And as your new friend, I empathize with your self-doubt, low self-esteem and confusion, and that's what you need to be "obsessing" over. Get to know yourself better. Focus all that scattered energy into improving your own life and being your own best friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Well.. the main thing I'm wondering is if, since I don't know him, I should talk some to try to. I have no problem trying to get to know him but... since things are a little past that point, can you really turn it back? Unless I just stick to phone calls until I decide one way or the other...??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): you probably feel happy when you are near him but if you think he is´nt like you or dont have much in common the first thing to do is to talk and the try to find something on common (dot try to be superior men hate that)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): To add onto this... though it'll probably sound stupid on top of my description on how the first time happened, this person has qualities I've wanted in people before. They're all more physical qualities (like not in looks but in actions) and, like I said, he does make me feel good in a kind of superficial way. =/ I sometimes just wonder if there's something to that and maybe if I got to know him. =| I still feel negatively on it whenever I write this but I'm really torn when I don't look at it from the outside. I just had to add this is all....
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