A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Other than the history, how can you find out if porn is being viewed on the internet? or webcams being viewed? boyfriend vows that he hasn't been watching it anymore, but how can I be sure? He lives with me and uses my computers, I have thought about putting some kind of tracker on my computer, but I have no idea what would be best. Is there anyway to track this stuff in your hard drive? or do I need to buy a tracker of some sort?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): he's got as much a right to lie about porn as a woman has to lie about her age or weight.it's none of your business.one real concern that is absent from your original post: if these are your computers, there is worry that he might unknowingly contract a virus (if he's a noob), and from your question it doesn't seem like you've got the know-how to correct that. if that's a worry, learn more or make him fix any mess he gets into. also, if you don't want him using your stuff to look at porn, you've got a legitimate right to dictate how your property is used, but no moral high-horse if he uses his own property.
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (19 February 2011):
 A lot of men will say they don't watch porn when they really do, whether or not you say your're ok with it. So, there is no way you can prove if he watched it before you moved in together. As I said before, if you are not ok with it leave him. Find someone who shares your views and life decisions.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (18 February 2011):
 I agree. If you two have an agreement that he doesn't watch porn (as you don't) and he is lying to you about watching porn, then it is an issue. I'm not sure what you can do to go about finding out if he is lying or not short of putting a camera up when he is using the computer, as far as I know trackers and such are illegal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, that is just the thing. When we first met, he told me he didn't like porn, said he never watched it. so for the first 2 years of our relationship, I believed he never watched it. Then we moved in together and I started getting that gut feeling that he was watching it, small things, nothing big,but enough that I paid attention. It took me year to find the evidence, even when I found it, I still couldn't believe it was him, because for so long, I believed he didn't. He shouldn't have felt pressured to lie to me because I was ok with porn when we met, this is something that changed after he and I met. Mostly because he and I never watched it together and over time I didn't watch it alone either. After some time of not watching it at all I seen the small changes in my life that were better. He said he was ashamed of his porn usage and thought it wasn't hurting anyone but himself. he said he also thought me being open to porn in the beginning of our relationship was just me testing him and
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (18 February 2011):
It sounds like you have made a life decision about not viewing porn anymore. If you have made this decision and asked him not to look at it, it seems to me that you would like him to follow your decision. If my assumption if correct, you need to decide if you can live with the constant worry that he is looking at porn again. Most men who have used porn on a regular basis for whatever reason will not stop. Not because they don't care for you, but because they have made the life decision to use it before they met you. If you cannot live with the worry of him looking at porn, you need to leave him. You also need to make a point of asking about porn before you get to far into a relationship because many men use porn. Best of luck with whatever you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am more concerned if he lying about it. If he is lying about it, then that is a bigger issue than the porn. But no, I don't ethically or morally agree with porn. I use to view porn and in my marriage we used it as a tool. as you see, I am no longer married. Pornography did play a role. I have been porn free for 2 years and I can tell you, my mind and thoughts on sex and relationships has changed so much. At times I have urges to view it, but I remind myself that it has infected my mind and isn't good for me and I don't. Pornography does not do any good, it is only destructive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I can see two sides to this:
The first is that your boyfriend is an adult, and should, in fact, MUST, make his own decisions.
The second is that porn is not "just porn". There are real people on screen, engaged in sexual acts. Ignoring the question of its morality for the couple in question, it is at best an exploitation of those people. Sex for money. Just because the end consumer is not engaged in the act, doesn't absolve the financial participation of consuming the product.
You don't seem comfortable ethically with porn.
Many people are not, proselytizing to the contrary notwithstanding.
Instead of trying to monitor and control his behavior, exercise your right to vote.
Vote to either accept it as part of who he is.
Or leave.
Myself, I'd leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): It's really none of your business if he chooses to watch porn. If you don't like it then don't watch it but you can't tell him what to do
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 February 2011):
 How about putting a password on your computer so that way he can't get on it, thus no watching porn?
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Trackers are not illegal to use in the US. I'm not if the school that porn is harmless many experts un psychology agree. It's a morality issue an addiction and disrespectful to you and desensitizes people to life behavior and damages ones capacity for stimulation through real sex and intimacy. Its down right sas that these young girls especially are so accepting of porn use.I don't know why you would want to be with a man who us so addicted to porn he would lie and hide it from you. If I had to track my mist intimate partner's computer use this would indicate he is nit the man for me and I would end the relationship permanently. He has obviously failed on this several times before. That's all the info you need. He's nit willing to change.Cut him loose and get you a better one because you already know in your gut what the truth is or you wouldn't want to spy in him.
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A
female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (17 February 2011):
I don't get why all you women are so concerned about your boyfriends watching porn. What is the big deal? It's not illegal and it's not cheating. Get some self confidence and stop making it something bigger than it is.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (17 February 2011):
Have you never watched a movie and had a romantic fantasy about Brad Pitt? (or whoever)? well it's the same as men watching porn. Its just fantasy, we all fantasize. There is nothing to feel insecure about. He's not cheating. But if you spy on him and try to control his every move and monitor his every fantasy... he might leave. Step back and figure out why it bothers you so much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): there is nothing wrong in watching porn I'm a girl and i do it all the time. actually if he like porn so much then i think you shoud do him some of the stuff they do or maybe watch a porn movie together and start acting like then....do every thing that turns your guy on....and stop being so nosey
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (17 February 2011):
Trackers/loggers are illegal (as already mentioned) and I want to ask you why you are so against your bf's viewing of porn.
I don't share my bf and he feels the same, but it's porn. He's never going to get to touch any of them in reality and men are visual creatures and are stimulated by what they see. He is going to watch porn whether you want him to or not, so maybe instead of worrying about what he is doing on your computer and freaking out about putting a tracker on said computer, perhaps you two could be more open with each other.
I could understand if watching porn was all he did all day long, then it would be time for an intervention, but looking at porn is a natural thing, especially for a male.
I'm not understanding why this is such a big deal. Would you clarify?
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A
female
reader, LittleMissy  +, writes (17 February 2011):
Leave him alone to watch porn if he wants to. Seriously you want to install tracking software. Why not just lock him in a cage for the rest of his life. Oh and blindfold him lest he see any other women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Men will watch porn weather someone likes it or not, Also it should not be an issue as long as it does not become an addition.
Its Normal for males to wacth porn. Do not tray and change it, if you catch him on the computer then he shall go to a friends computer or a public computer.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (17 February 2011):
Instead of having these thoughts about putting a tracker on your computer with the hope of catching your boyfriend out, I would seriously suggest you look at trying to sort out the problem by talking to him and telling him how you are feeling.
If you did catch him out; what would you do? End the relationship, or just continue to not trust him? What if he found out that you had been checking up on him, and that you had gone out of your way to try and catch him out but he was actually telling the truth? What then? Then he would end up not trusting you either.
Anyway, I seriously suggest you sit down and tell him how you are feeling as it has obviously made you feel insecure and he has lost your trust.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2011):
If you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. And as the post at the bottom says, trackers and loggers are illegal (count as hacking).
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Your home, your Computers, you can use network magic.
It still bothers me quite a bit that you don't believe his word on this. In other words why are you in a relationship and live with someone who you don't trust?
In the end if he is smarter than you about computers, he would be able to hide anything from you.
FA
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A
female
reader, lucy.whittaker +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Why do you have a problem with him watching porn in the first place? It's a very natural and normal thing for both women and men to do. Unless his attitude to porn is one of addiction, where he cannot go a day without watching it then it should be something that you accept. Many women find porn intimidating, and I can sympathize with that. It may feel like he gets more satisfaction looking at the women that feature in porn that he does with you. This isn't the truth at all in most cases. He will be thinking of you when you are together and watching porn is totally separate to that.
If you're able to post back, I'm really interested in why you would like to prevent him from going on the websites of his choice. You can set up an administrators account on the computer and put parental controls and password lock restricted websites, but parental controls are called that for a reason, and you are not this man's Mother.
Lucy XxX
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 FYI- trackers, keyboard loggers etc. are illegal.
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